Friday, January 19, 2007
Seaman 2?
Raise your hand if a sequel to Seaman is the thing you crave most in life. Ok, I can understand the few people who love the absolute power Seaman brings. But let me ask this: how many people would want the star of the original, a human/fish creature from parts unknown, unceremoniously taken away? How many want that cranky bastard to be replaced by a nearly naked caveman? Anyone? I imagine Sega conducted the same poll, got the same results (three people want a new Seaman, none of them like the idea of ordering a hairy caveman around) and then, as Sega seems to do, they decided to spend a lot of money developing a game no one will play. Oh Sega, what happened to you?
The original Seaman was actually pretty cool. Sadly, along with everything else on the Dreamcast, it has gotten kind of stale. Basically, you play god to this horrible little fish being. As the game begins, you have to go through the painstaking process of growing the little fishman from egg to maturity. It either takes two real life days or two real life weeks (I forget which) to get a fully functioning creature, which is one of the all time great butt pains in gaming. It's like playing B-17 Bomber on the Intellivision. You have to wait a good 20 minutes before you can actually start flying the plane. Don't we play games for instant gratification?
Anyway, after you have a living Seaman, you can mess with him until you get bored. Deprive him of food to make him cranky, swear at him with the attached microphone or just ignore him and make him rot in his isolated hell. It's a fun game to mess around with, but not deep enough to replace an actual pet. But at least the main character was cool. Who wants to order around a stupid Caveman? You will be in constant fear of accidentally seeing his unevolved wang. That's not entertainment.
This is just another baffling decision from Sega. Since it's coming out the on the PS2 (I think...) they'll at least sell a few hundred copies for the sheer novelty of playing this game. Sadly, only the reviewers will actually spend significant time with it. Oh, how I pity their bleak existence. I have no problem with Sega reviving older franchises, but it seems like they have a knack for very poor implementation. They either use the wrong main character (Shadow the Hedgehog), make it for the wrong platform (Panzer Dragoon Orta on the Xbox) or decide to make an unplayable spin-off (Virtua Quest). If you're going to make sequels to long forgotten games, Sega, don't include a friggin' naked caveman!
The original Seaman was actually pretty cool. Sadly, along with everything else on the Dreamcast, it has gotten kind of stale. Basically, you play god to this horrible little fish being. As the game begins, you have to go through the painstaking process of growing the little fishman from egg to maturity. It either takes two real life days or two real life weeks (I forget which) to get a fully functioning creature, which is one of the all time great butt pains in gaming. It's like playing B-17 Bomber on the Intellivision. You have to wait a good 20 minutes before you can actually start flying the plane. Don't we play games for instant gratification?
Anyway, after you have a living Seaman, you can mess with him until you get bored. Deprive him of food to make him cranky, swear at him with the attached microphone or just ignore him and make him rot in his isolated hell. It's a fun game to mess around with, but not deep enough to replace an actual pet. But at least the main character was cool. Who wants to order around a stupid Caveman? You will be in constant fear of accidentally seeing his unevolved wang. That's not entertainment.
This is just another baffling decision from Sega. Since it's coming out the on the PS2 (I think...) they'll at least sell a few hundred copies for the sheer novelty of playing this game. Sadly, only the reviewers will actually spend significant time with it. Oh, how I pity their bleak existence. I have no problem with Sega reviving older franchises, but it seems like they have a knack for very poor implementation. They either use the wrong main character (Shadow the Hedgehog), make it for the wrong platform (Panzer Dragoon Orta on the Xbox) or decide to make an unplayable spin-off (Virtua Quest). If you're going to make sequels to long forgotten games, Sega, don't include a friggin' naked caveman!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
My first Dragon Quest
I have almost nothing in my brand new apartment. No pans with which to cook. Not one picture of my dog trying to use the barbecue. Not even a television to watch. My internet access is limited to one hour a day in which I have to quickly read my email, apply for jobs, and find out how my depressing Pacers are doing. So how have I been spending my days? Playing my Nintendo DS, of course. Gamefly was kind enough to send Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime to my old home in Libertyville mere days before I moved, and I have been enjoying its companionship ever since. Is it a great game? No, not even close. If you want to get a taste of what my life is currently like, isolate yourself from all your possessions, remove the car you so rely on, and lock yourself in a room with this game. You may hate it at first. You may curse it for damning you to a hell you didn't deserve. But, as your only silicon companion, you will learn to love it like its Chrono Trigger's long lost cousin.
It is unfair for me to judge the entire Dragon Quest series based on one spin-off game which does not resemble the classic gameplay found in the eight main adventures in the slightest. Some people, from some far off place where even the likes of Oblivion are considered RPGs, may peg DQH:RS in the same category. But those people would be wrong. This plays more like a simplified Zelda than anything else. The combat is real time, the story is practically non-existent, and the main draw is collecting every last items and monster that populate the land. In other words, if you are trapped in a technology free world, you will relish the shockingly high level of collecting this game requires.
The story is very simple: the Plogs, an evil breed of Platypuses, are trying to destroy the peaceful kingdom of Slimeania. The names may not be accurate, but they are close enough, right? I mean, how many people have even played this game? So these evil duck-billed creatures have captured every Slime in the village, except for your hero and mine: Rocket. So you have to rescue them all, while learning the true motive of the evil Platypus boss. I could tell you the "twist" if you want. It won't ruin the experience at all. Like I said, the plot is almost completely absent. If you don't want to know the evil motives, just skip to the next paragraph. Here I go: Don Platypus wants to steal the precious Warrior's Flute from the Slimes in order to impress a fine, young celebrity. Clearly, the game doesn't take itself too seriously.
The above spoiler mentioned a magic flute, and that flute is what drives the most entertaining gameplay aspect of Rocket Slime. You, as the chosen hero, blow on the flute to call your Battle Tank! Weeee! Who doesn't love battle tanks? The game has about 30 one-on-one battles with evil tanks, in which you easily whack them into submission. It's actually really fun. You have two different cannons: one fires at an upward angle, the other straight ahead. There are various weapon dispersing pipes throughout the tank, where the items you have collecting throughout your adventure fall from some mysterious place. You grab as many as you can - three - and fire them at the enemy. If two items collide, they fall harmlessly to the ground. When their health reaches zero, you storm the tank. Either walk lamely across the ground or fire yourself into their base. Then you travel to the center of the tank and destroy their heart (literally) with one fatal blow. It may be easy, but it is really fun.
The rest of the game has you traveling through various worlds trying to round up the rest of the Slimevillian's. Every level has carts that deliver goods back to town. So, when you defeat an enemy or find a bomb, you can toss it on the cart and make god use of it later. As I already mentioned, the items are used in tank combat. The enemies can be used as assistants in battles. Collect 30 of the same species and you can command them in a tank battle. It adds a nice little element and provides so reason to collect as many enemies as you can.
Not surprisingly, the gameplay is really simple as well. You are a slime. You hop around the level because you have no legs. If you see an enemy or item, you hold down "A" and stretch yourself in the direction you wish to fling. Hit something important and it will pop into the air. If you catch it, you can toss it at another foe or on a nearby cart. You don't learn any new moves through the game, so the gameplay never evolves from the first stage. I still spent more than 20 hours playing it, though. I was clearly desperate.
Thankfully, the game doesn't take itself seriously. All the tanks you fight come equipped with a silly name and a pun description. Who doesn't like puns? Sadly, I only remember one, but it's the best in the game. The tank is called DQ Swords. The description: The Revolution is coming! Weeee!
Now that's comedy! DQ Swords is, of course, the upcoming DQ spin-off for the Wii. Come on, you know that's great. Well, you would if you had no TV or internet to occupy your time.
And so ends today's update. If you find a grammatical quirk or slight spelling error, please be kind. I do not have the ability to go online later and update the post. The library may seem kind, but they allow a mere one hour of internet time a day. Cavemen use the internet longer than that.
It is unfair for me to judge the entire Dragon Quest series based on one spin-off game which does not resemble the classic gameplay found in the eight main adventures in the slightest. Some people, from some far off place where even the likes of Oblivion are considered RPGs, may peg DQH:RS in the same category. But those people would be wrong. This plays more like a simplified Zelda than anything else. The combat is real time, the story is practically non-existent, and the main draw is collecting every last items and monster that populate the land. In other words, if you are trapped in a technology free world, you will relish the shockingly high level of collecting this game requires.
The story is very simple: the Plogs, an evil breed of Platypuses, are trying to destroy the peaceful kingdom of Slimeania. The names may not be accurate, but they are close enough, right? I mean, how many people have even played this game? So these evil duck-billed creatures have captured every Slime in the village, except for your hero and mine: Rocket. So you have to rescue them all, while learning the true motive of the evil Platypus boss. I could tell you the "twist" if you want. It won't ruin the experience at all. Like I said, the plot is almost completely absent. If you don't want to know the evil motives, just skip to the next paragraph. Here I go: Don Platypus wants to steal the precious Warrior's Flute from the Slimes in order to impress a fine, young celebrity. Clearly, the game doesn't take itself too seriously.
The above spoiler mentioned a magic flute, and that flute is what drives the most entertaining gameplay aspect of Rocket Slime. You, as the chosen hero, blow on the flute to call your Battle Tank! Weeee! Who doesn't love battle tanks? The game has about 30 one-on-one battles with evil tanks, in which you easily whack them into submission. It's actually really fun. You have two different cannons: one fires at an upward angle, the other straight ahead. There are various weapon dispersing pipes throughout the tank, where the items you have collecting throughout your adventure fall from some mysterious place. You grab as many as you can - three - and fire them at the enemy. If two items collide, they fall harmlessly to the ground. When their health reaches zero, you storm the tank. Either walk lamely across the ground or fire yourself into their base. Then you travel to the center of the tank and destroy their heart (literally) with one fatal blow. It may be easy, but it is really fun.
The rest of the game has you traveling through various worlds trying to round up the rest of the Slimevillian's. Every level has carts that deliver goods back to town. So, when you defeat an enemy or find a bomb, you can toss it on the cart and make god use of it later. As I already mentioned, the items are used in tank combat. The enemies can be used as assistants in battles. Collect 30 of the same species and you can command them in a tank battle. It adds a nice little element and provides so reason to collect as many enemies as you can.
Not surprisingly, the gameplay is really simple as well. You are a slime. You hop around the level because you have no legs. If you see an enemy or item, you hold down "A" and stretch yourself in the direction you wish to fling. Hit something important and it will pop into the air. If you catch it, you can toss it at another foe or on a nearby cart. You don't learn any new moves through the game, so the gameplay never evolves from the first stage. I still spent more than 20 hours playing it, though. I was clearly desperate.
Thankfully, the game doesn't take itself seriously. All the tanks you fight come equipped with a silly name and a pun description. Who doesn't like puns? Sadly, I only remember one, but it's the best in the game. The tank is called DQ Swords. The description: The Revolution is coming! Weeee!
Now that's comedy! DQ Swords is, of course, the upcoming DQ spin-off for the Wii. Come on, you know that's great. Well, you would if you had no TV or internet to occupy your time.
And so ends today's update. If you find a grammatical quirk or slight spelling error, please be kind. I do not have the ability to go online later and update the post. The library may seem kind, but they allow a mere one hour of internet time a day. Cavemen use the internet longer than that.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Library sponsored quickie: Dungeon Explorer
Not only has Brendan offered me his home and access to a television that seems to relish in displaying my precious football almost constantly, he has handed me his fabled Wiimote as well. And, with him donning a fighter's armor by my side, we have ventured forth in the Turbo Graphix 16 classic Dungeon Explorer. Don't look ashamed if you had never heard those word muttered in succession before. I know I haven't heard of half the TG-16 games that have graced the Virtual Console. But I can say, with full honesty, that DE is an absolute blast.
Though Hudson would have you believe this is a Zelda clone, in reality, it is a "modern" update to Gauntlet. And, though the TG-16 came equipped with only one controller port, it actively allows FIVE people to join in the fun. In essence, take Gauntlet, add one more controllable character, touch the graphics up slightly, include one completely pointless overworld and you have Dungeon Explorer. In other words, what's not to like?
The game does tease you with the available character types, though. You have something like eight different archetypes to choose from, but they are all pretty much identical. The only thing that seems to change is the amount of health you begin with. Clearly, it was a bad idea for me to venture forth with a Bard as my avatar. He was dead after merely spying a spider resting in the grass. Since then, I have juggled between a Bishop (who uses the Word of God to destroy evil), Elf, Gnome, and even a Warlock. All the while, Brendan and his Fighter laugh as he vanquishes another worm hole. Oh, to one day be a Fighter.
At $6, there is no reason you shouldn't download this game. If not for the extreme incompetence of Five Star Moving and Storage, whose delay in delivering my toys will soon reach Judicial levels, I would have my Wii right now along with the two Wiimotes I own. Playing Dungeon Explorer with two people may be the most fun I've had on the Wii thus far (excluding Zelda of course) but four player adventuring could give most any game a run for its money. There is something to be said for focused, old-school gameplay. It may not have the flash and thrills of modern games and the instruction booklet is so sparse I can't figure out the difference between a Bishop and a Warlock (irony!), but they are just as fun as gaming gets. I look forward to finally playing Lost Planet and Crackdown, but I won't leave the classics far from reach.
Though Hudson would have you believe this is a Zelda clone, in reality, it is a "modern" update to Gauntlet. And, though the TG-16 came equipped with only one controller port, it actively allows FIVE people to join in the fun. In essence, take Gauntlet, add one more controllable character, touch the graphics up slightly, include one completely pointless overworld and you have Dungeon Explorer. In other words, what's not to like?
The game does tease you with the available character types, though. You have something like eight different archetypes to choose from, but they are all pretty much identical. The only thing that seems to change is the amount of health you begin with. Clearly, it was a bad idea for me to venture forth with a Bard as my avatar. He was dead after merely spying a spider resting in the grass. Since then, I have juggled between a Bishop (who uses the Word of God to destroy evil), Elf, Gnome, and even a Warlock. All the while, Brendan and his Fighter laugh as he vanquishes another worm hole. Oh, to one day be a Fighter.
At $6, there is no reason you shouldn't download this game. If not for the extreme incompetence of Five Star Moving and Storage, whose delay in delivering my toys will soon reach Judicial levels, I would have my Wii right now along with the two Wiimotes I own. Playing Dungeon Explorer with two people may be the most fun I've had on the Wii thus far (excluding Zelda of course) but four player adventuring could give most any game a run for its money. There is something to be said for focused, old-school gameplay. It may not have the flash and thrills of modern games and the instruction booklet is so sparse I can't figure out the difference between a Bishop and a Warlock (irony!), but they are just as fun as gaming gets. I look forward to finally playing Lost Planet and Crackdown, but I won't leave the classics far from reach.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Don't say I didn't warn you
Games games games. Haven't really been playing them. There are few things better in life, and I've been enjoying them while I can. That, and planning a hectic cross-country move like the one Tom apparently just completed. Yes, I'll be living significantly closer to the City of Games in about two weeks, and I'll be a solid step closer to being paid for this crazy ol' lifestyle. I'll do my best to catch you up on the gaming I've accomplished in the last month, but I warn you it's not pretty:
Call of Duty 3 - Yes, for all my bitching about Activision (which is well-founded, don't get me wrong) I still play their games from time to time. I would condemn myself to hell if I bought the game, but I figured a rental to play the game through on Veteran difficulty with my buddy Matt (whom I played through the second game with) was a sound investment. Well, now he's gone back to school, I'm on chapter 10 of 14, and I just can't imagine this game will get finished. Without someone to pass the controller to when that Nazi pops around the corner and shoots you in your French face for the 37th time, it's just too frustrating an experience. Well, it's frustrating either way on Veteran, but not being alone in your endeavor at least makes the sadistic achievements that can be gleaned not quite so soul-crushing. What of the game? It looks great (even after Gears of War), it has a decent amount of small improvements over CoD2, and as long as you're not expecting any innovation whatsoever, it can be a very fun, rewarding shooter.
Point Blank DS - Weird, huh? Couldn't pass it up for $10 at TRU, and I'm glad I didn't. Because it's Point Blank. On a DS. It's exactly what you'd expect: tapping the screen like Michael J. Fox with a jackhammer. There isn't much of a learning curve to the difficulties since you're probably about as good at tapping accurately at this point in your life as you'll ever be, but it's somehow still fun having a minor panic attack only to come in two targets short of the goal.
XBL Arcade - Yup, back to Hexic. Broke a million finally. And...*shudder*...Zuma. It's so, so lame, such a fundamentally unentertaining game, and yet I must finish it for the achievement, and so I never have to touch it again. I've had buyers remorse since the moment I clicked 'purchase', but I won't feel quite so bad if it's been bested. Also still trying to get that last par time in Marble Blast Ultra, and wrap up the Assault Heroes achievements. The Arcade is where I find myself more often than not when I sit down to play these days, and with Alien Hominid, Worms HD and Symphony of the Night coming down the pipeline relatively soon that time can only increase.
New games you say? Yeah, I'll go rent Lost Planet when I finally get the time to play a real game, no rush. I want to go pick up Wario Ware Smooth Moves today (and probably will), but I still have to finish Elebits. My Wii hasn't been touched in weeks, and it's not my fault. See you soon?
Call of Duty 3 - Yes, for all my bitching about Activision (which is well-founded, don't get me wrong) I still play their games from time to time. I would condemn myself to hell if I bought the game, but I figured a rental to play the game through on Veteran difficulty with my buddy Matt (whom I played through the second game with) was a sound investment. Well, now he's gone back to school, I'm on chapter 10 of 14, and I just can't imagine this game will get finished. Without someone to pass the controller to when that Nazi pops around the corner and shoots you in your French face for the 37th time, it's just too frustrating an experience. Well, it's frustrating either way on Veteran, but not being alone in your endeavor at least makes the sadistic achievements that can be gleaned not quite so soul-crushing. What of the game? It looks great (even after Gears of War), it has a decent amount of small improvements over CoD2, and as long as you're not expecting any innovation whatsoever, it can be a very fun, rewarding shooter.
Point Blank DS - Weird, huh? Couldn't pass it up for $10 at TRU, and I'm glad I didn't. Because it's Point Blank. On a DS. It's exactly what you'd expect: tapping the screen like Michael J. Fox with a jackhammer. There isn't much of a learning curve to the difficulties since you're probably about as good at tapping accurately at this point in your life as you'll ever be, but it's somehow still fun having a minor panic attack only to come in two targets short of the goal.
XBL Arcade - Yup, back to Hexic. Broke a million finally. And...*shudder*...Zuma. It's so, so lame, such a fundamentally unentertaining game, and yet I must finish it for the achievement, and so I never have to touch it again. I've had buyers remorse since the moment I clicked 'purchase', but I won't feel quite so bad if it's been bested. Also still trying to get that last par time in Marble Blast Ultra, and wrap up the Assault Heroes achievements. The Arcade is where I find myself more often than not when I sit down to play these days, and with Alien Hominid, Worms HD and Symphony of the Night coming down the pipeline relatively soon that time can only increase.
New games you say? Yeah, I'll go rent Lost Planet when I finally get the time to play a real game, no rush. I want to go pick up Wario Ware Smooth Moves today (and probably will), but I still have to finish Elebits. My Wii hasn't been touched in weeks, and it's not my fault. See you soon?
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