G-pinions

If my 1,501 word preview on Conker was too much (though every self respecting video game fan should know the various weapons a Sneaker can wield) I present to you a quick and easy joke.

I just saw this thumbnail on Gamespot's main page:


Elektra - N Gage

This whole thing is just too funny for me to pass up. First, the movie studios release a horrible picture that no one really wanted in the first place. Then some sucker publisher nabs the rights to make a game based on that horrible movie (which is, presumably, based on a lame comic to begin with). Said sucker publisher decides to bring their game, not to the Xbox or Gameboy Advance, but to the worst "system" out there - N Gage. Rearrange the letters and you get Gag Ne, which is really close to Gag Me.

So they have this horrible license on a horrible system, where do they go from there? Make a horrible game! Now, I haven't actually played the game or even read Gamespot's article on it (Preview? Review? Who cares!), but I can safely guess that any game that presents a life bar as an idea so new they have to explain how it functions, well, that just deserves an entire post.

Man, how come only the lame journalists are invited to play games early? If Microsoft really wanted to hype up the new Conker game, they should have flown me out to Redmond to play it first hand. Seriously, can you even imagine my reaction if Microsoft did this? I'm one of the few Rare fans left in the world, and though I don't think the first Conker was especially significant other than offering massive amounts of entertainment, I would love to get my hands on the new one a few months before everyone else. Of course, the world is a cold, dark place where fairness is balled up in a hole somewhere; so the lame folks at Gamespy took my place in Redmond. Seriously Microsoft, a few more people may visit Gamespy, but they don't know a damn thing about Conker. Anyway, even though their preview totally sucked, a few nuggets did somehow slip through the cracks. So without further ado, my first mini preview about a game that may actually get me to play online again.

Before I start talking about the content, check out this ridiculously lame quote: "Of course, I'm talking about Conker, the hero of the Nintendo 64 smash Conker's Bad Fur Day, the game that finally helped Nintendo shed its kid friendly image." Are you kidding? So, is the Gamecube not a kid friendly system any more because Rare made Conker on the N64 in 2001? It seemed like they were trying to say something like "Nintendo is a kiddie system" but instead said "Kid friendly" which is completely different. Nintendo will always be synonymous with kids. Parents know about Mario and Zelda. They know they aren't horribly violent games, and are going to be more likely to buy a Nintendo system for their kid than something with Grand Theft Auto on it. Nintendo will always be the "kiddie" system, and I don't think Nintendo ever wants that to change. Man, I hate irresponsible journalizing. Conker was a good game, yes, but it hardly paved the way for any new trends and certainly didn't shed an image Nintendo had been building for years.

End rant.

Oh, and thanks to Gamespy for providing the two multiplayer pics you see below. We would provide our own but, well, Microsoft didn't fly me out to play Conker, now did they?



Most of the column was composed of generic comments like that, but there were a few bits of information sprinkled amongst the crap. First, the different character classes were finally revealed. I knew they existed for quite some time, but, since no one is allowed to actually play pre-release Rare games, no one was able to mention what the classes actually were. Well, hold on to your hats because these are pretty typical fair. Demolishers are perfect for someone with little skill and a love of big explosions. They slowly lug a giant Bazooka around the map. You know, even though it would be ultra cheap, it would be funny to have a character who was super fast and had a bazooka. I guess every game needs balance, but where's the humor?

Next they have the aptly named "Long Rangers." Apparently the guy who comes up with interesting names was on break or something. The Long Rangers are either porn stars or snipers. I think they're snipers. And that's all I can say about them. I remember that sniping in Bad Fur Day was one of my favorite things to do. The actual mechanism of aiming and firing wasn't any better than other games, but you could actually make your enemy's heads explode with a perfectly fired shot. I know I sound like some stupid teenager, but that was pretty funny. When you shot the head off a Tediz (a teddy bear...) you could see the stuffing fly right out. Good times.



The next class, the grunts, will only take a sentence to describe. They are the "I can't make up my mind" class, jack of all trades, master of none. They are a complete disgrace to the game. Sure, they are needed in there, every game needs a middle ground character, but who wants an "I'm OK, You're OK" character when you can choose a slow guy with a bazooka? You won't catch me anywhere near these indecisive bastards, unless I'm chopping off their head with a...

Sneaker! Once again, ultra lame name, but will probably be my favorite character. Even with a gattling gun to man and a plethora of awesome guns available, I always went for the sword in Bad Fur Day. I know what you're thinking so stop right there. The sword in Halo 2 is ultra cheap. In Conker, it's just really fun. You make this little "hutty hutty hutty" sound when you run and can do flip jumps and stuff. Man is that great. There isn't any lame lock on or anything, or a super lunge to make it long range. You have to get right next to someone to cut their head off. But it is oh so rewarding. Jumping over bullets and rocket blasts until you are right next to your friend, he yells "Crap!" just before you chop his head off. Fantastic.



The last class, according to this preview at least, is a Thermophile. They use a flamethrower. I don't have much to say about them. The flamethrower in Bad Fur Day was awesome... except once you lit someone on fire they could run into you and make you burn as well. Just like Romeo and Juliet. There wasn't any way to put out the fire, either. It was a one hit kill, though it took awhile for you to finally burn away. Hopefully there will be water or something in the new one to avoid this. Not my favorite weapon, but still better than that lame Grunt.

Just a quick note about the classes - while only one gun was actually mentioned (yay Gamespy!) every character can use different guns. For instance, the Sneaker can use a daggar and a sabre. The Demolisher also has huge guns to compliment his bazooka. I have no idea what else the Thermophile will be able to use. Maybe an acid shooter? Or some kind of chemical burn weapon? Who knows? Also, the vehicles you can drive are dependant on who you are. This game sounds so fricking good. I can't wait anymore.

Rare mentioned something about a Medic a while ago, but I'm not sure if that actually made the cut. I'd bet there are more than 5 classes though, probably 8-10 if I had to guess, but that's just pure speculation. It's nice to see games like Unreal Championship 2 and Conker coming out with some real variety in characters. I think the days of one size fits all multiplayer are coming to an end.

The only other thing that was revealed in the preview was the inclusion of more modes than just CTF and Deathmatch. Duh. Obviously. Though Gamespy says "It seems that much of the multiplayer content is similar to that found in the original game" the only modes that seem to have made the transition are standard CTF and Deathmatch. The multiplayer in Bad Fur Day was great because of the sheer variety. There were the standard CTF and Kill Everyone That Moves modes, but there was some really original, fun stuff as well. In one mode, two people would be Raptors and the other two would be Cavemen. This was an objective based game different than simply "kill or be killed." The Cavemen had to sneak into the Raptor nest and steal their eggs, then race back to their camp, which doubled as a frying pan, and toss the sucker in. The Raptors had to catch the Cavemen, alive, and bring them back to the nest for their babies to feed on. Super fun.



Anther great mode featured a small army vs. French refugees. As the Army, you would stay in your base and fire bazookas, a gattling gun or a sniper rifle at the approaching refugees. The Refugees didn't actually have any guns. They simply needed to avoid being killed and make it safely past their enemies. If they ran across a bridge and to an open field, they could push a button that would kill the army for a few seconds. Pure entertainment.

As much as I loved CTF and Deathmatch in the first, I spent most of my time playing the creative modes. I hope Rare keeps those, but I fear they won't. The only non-CTF/Deathmatch mode I know about is the classic "Storm the beach" scenario. One side, well, storms the beach, and the other tries to mow them down. Fun? Probably, but not really that original. They better have some different game types, bots, and a kick ass offline mode.

Anyway, I'm pumped for this game now. Everyone needs to buy it so I can play you guys online.

There is a reason that some genres disappear forever. What makes for a simple, fun gaming experience in the old days simple does not translate well to what is fun today. For instance, as good as something like Alien Hominid is, the 2D shooter genre is all but dead because technology cannot improve on it at all. Sure, you can add bigger explosions and transparency effects, but the gameplay will remain unchanged. Alien Hominid doesn't play any better than the original Contra, even though it came out about a million days later. Essentially, these games hit an evolutionary brick wall the second they were made. There isn't anything inherently wrong with these games, but I have very little problem seeing their dead carcasses lying on the side of the road while games that actually can take advantage of new technology are released. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with these games - they are fun. But I already own Contra and games of its ilk, there really isn't any point in rehashing past hits. There is a system for all these old school games - the Gameboy Advance. If you're putting the time and money into developing a title for a new system, it sure as hell better be worth it. So either give me something new or release a "Tour of the Past" disc with a bunch of old school games wrapped in today's technology.

Want to know what isn't worth it? Spikeout Online. I thought this was actually a sequel when I first heard about it, but apparently there is no other Spikeout title for any other console. Still, this is basically the same game as Dynamite Cop - a game that sucked when it came out on the Dreamcast years ago - only this one has online play. Do we really need online play in a beat 'em up? These games failed because it's almost impossible to improve on the original design... and the original design was fairly limited. Remember when Fighting Force came out for the PlayStation? That game was fun for a few hours... but then I finished it and moved on to something else. And I don't think anyone is surprised that Rare hasn't made a new Battletoads since the SNES era. These are some of the most mindless games around, and are probably a genre that will be even worse with online play.

The whole point of playing online is going up against other people. I'm sure there are a few games that are fun co-op, but mostly it is about killing your opponent in the coldest way possible. You don't need to care about them because they are only a piece of meat for you to plow through. But with a game like Spikeout, you're actually going to have to work together. You'll have to use certain low level strategies to get through areas alive. I don't know how many of you have played a game on Live, but I can tell you that the average player is a moron. The average player is not going to be fun to have to team up with. They are the putrid crap of the industry, and building a game with the focus of working with these heathens sends a chill down my spine.

There is a place in the industry for "Old School" games that are unlike anything else. The concept of Katamari Damacy is old school but offers something that no other title has. Same thing with Pac Man Vs. If you're going to resort to the golden years of gaming for your muse, make sure you aren't simply updating old games with better graphics or online play.

Sega, I know people don't like you anymore. But this is no way to get back into the industry. Regurgitating an old idea and adding online play is not going to win you any points. Why not actually make something worthwhile. Make a new NiGHTS. Only the four richest sultans in Europe actually played the original. Or how about a Sonic game where you, I don't know, actually play as Sonic? Or just make a brand new friggin' game that doesn't rely on gimmicks, Neo or distant memories from long since jaded gamers. Just stop churning out crap that no one wants.

Alright, I give up. What the HELL is Killer 7? I mean, I know it's a game, I know it's coming out for Gamecube and PS2 in June, and I know it's made by Capcom's most inconsistent studio ever (Viewtiful Joe, P.N.03, Under the Skin, Resident Evil 4). I mean, watch the trailer - does it not make you want to vomit in confusion? Perhaps throw yourself out the nearest window? The plot is actually pretty cool, though it doesn't really make what you're seeing any clearer - an elderly assassin is wheelchair-bound, and must use his seven different personalities, who all have different powers, to do his job for him. The noir look and style are certainly badass, but man is that music terrifying. I also wish I had some inkling as to how the game will play; I'm gonna go with rail shooter, House of the Dead style, where the movement in-between areas is done for you. Then again, I remember the developer saying something about not wanting to reveal how gameplay actually works quite yet. Back to confusion. Let's move on.

Scott wanted me to write something about Samurai Western, which is apparently coming here if the translation of the trailer is anything to go by. It's funny how most of the games in EGM's cute lil' International section end up coming here anyways. So anybody remember Rising Zan?



Well, that was the last game I can think of that had cowboy hats and swords. Samurai Western looks fun, sure, but the combat looks so bloody generic. Just watching it makes me want to go play my God of War demo (though doesn't everything?). Though yes, chopping people up is always fun, so maybe it won't be so bad. (Man, I think the worst part of Resident Evil 4 so far was finding a huge sword and not being able to use it as a weapon - whose idea was that?).

Lastly, in my cavalcade of random games for the day, is HomeLand, a GAMECUBE MMORPG. Well, one disc contains a single-player quest, the other an online-only portion for thirty players to romp around together in online. The Animal Crossing/Katamari Damacy comparison, visually, is certainly spot-on, but jeez, do they expect people to find and buy GC Broadband Adaptors for this? "One of the most interesting aspects of HomeLand is the "hand holding" system, where you link with other characters in the game by holding hands. Forming a chain with fellow HomeLand denizens boosts your statistics and abilities, depending on the abilities of the characters you're with, of course." That sounds all well and cute to me, but try not to alienate the entire male populace all at once, would you? Anyhow, I'm glad this games exists and is coming out, I just wish the Gamecube got a real online game one of these days, not just this and POS (call it what you like, this is my acronym).

I picked up a copy of the Chaos Theory demo that everyone has been raving about. It does indeed look like something from the next generation of hardware - natural rock surfaces are impossibly complex and perfectly reflective, running water has a depth and movement I've never seen before, and things are pretty photorealistic all around. So while the game impresses on just about every technical level, it's a bit disheartening to see that not only has the gameplay changed very little since the first Splinter Cell, but that it is largely unaffected by the new coat of paint. I'm not a fan of stealth outside of MGS, so I shouldn't be expected to like Splinter Cell, but everything except the look of the game and some bells and whistles (I can cut through cloth - call the media) felt terribly archaic. The awkward combat view, the unintuitive control scheme, the hit or miss A.I.; these things shouldn't have a place in gaming anymore, and it's frustrating that they're still supported in such a fanatical fashion.

Tech wizardry should remedy this, but it doesn't. Looking at my game collection for games whose graphics greatly improve the gameplay, there are only a handful; most games, even the best ones, rely on a simple gameplay concept built around a character, license or theme. It's rare to see the visual and visceral aspects of a game come together perfectly, and even rarer to see them come together and excel. Let's take a game like Downhill Domination, one of my favorite and most overlooked games this generation. The game succeeds because not only does it feel great and move well, but the visual and technical design of the game (plummeting down obstacle-filled mountains at a ludicrous speed) works perfectly with the gameplay. If you were going any slower, or if things were any less visually clear, it wouldn't be quite the game it is. Splinter Cell typifies the opposite end of the spectrum, where the graphics are great and the gameplay is polished (for what it is), but those things don't have anything to do with one another. Sure, it's nice to be able to see exactly where a shadow begins and ends when you're hiding in it, but that's something that's been standard for a while now, and only improves very minimally.

Starting right about now, the balance between gameplay and graphics will start to see a shift, and I'm hoping we don't end up with too many playable tech demos when all is said and done. I understand the relative plateau of ideas in some of the more overdone genres, but things can still be polished to perfection on the gameplay end. This is more than a graphics versus gameplay issue - it's not comparing and contrasting the two, it's seeing how they work together.

My beefs with the PSP have been well documented. However, it seems like one major flaw is actually being fixed. Usually, Sony would just wait three years, ignore the horde of angry phone calls, and eventually be served with a massive class action lawsuit. This time, Sony decided to be proactive, take the bull by the horns, and fix the already busted portable. Due to a design flaw in the original model of the system, the fancy ass LCD screen is actually a millimeter too long. This means it crowded the button right out of functionality. Smooth, real smooth. A few weeks ago, Ken Kutaragi (Sony Computer Entertainment president) said in a statement that the major flaw that caused the button to simply not work on some systems, wasn't a flaw at all but merely a feature. He said, and I'm using quotes here because he actually said this, "I believe we made the most beautiful thing in the world. Nobody would criticize a renowned architect's blueprint that the position of a gate is wrong. It's the same as that."

VS

Anyway, I guess the architect decided a gate shouldn't be in the bathroom, because all future versions of the PSP, included the one gamers with too much cash are picking up in the US next month, will make sure they come with working buttons. Or maybe they'll just put a thin piece of glass over the whole right side of the system so you can't use any buttons. Who knows?

For those of you who are craving even more G-Pinions content, don't forget to check out our Release section and Columns section every Tuesday. Feel free to comment on our stupidity in not choosing Resident Evil 4 as the Game of the Week or simply ignoring every, single EA release.

The closest thing I can compare the "zombies" in RE4 to is Bugs Bunny. Bear with me. The "zombies" are so well-designed and so well-animated that you can't help but feel like they lurk inside your game, inside your Gamecube, even when you're not playing it. They sit and wait, alive, content in their lust for your cerebros. Thus, I feel the need to kill them, even as I lay in bed at night. While I have nothing against Bugs Bunny (except for that one time a rabbit murdered my sister), he is such a completely ingrained character to me that I think of him as sentient, dwelling deep within the recesses of my TV, waiting to emerge next time I watch some old cartoons. I swear, they're similar. No, you're crazy!