Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Lost Planet - Get Lost!

Capcom sure loves throwing controversial political ideas into their science fiction adventures. Last year, Dead Rising taught the world that Americans are mindless zombies of consumerism. You can chop off their arms with a samurai sword or even place a Servbot helmet over their greedy heads, but they will never stop buying crap they don't need. It was a lesson well taught since I never actually purchased said game, even though it was one of the best games released last year. Anyway, their lecturing of the American public continues in Lost Planet: Extreme Condition. The lesson this time: cut back on the fossil fuels! The planet will freeze and giant insects will take over! If the future of gaming is anything like this sorry game, I welcome our ant overlords.

I think Capcom really missed the boat on Lost Planet. The first few levels are actually really entertaining. You find yourself virtually all alone on this horrible, frozen wasteland of a planet. To make matters worse, there are giant insects crawling out of every building you come across and they even make postulating nests of evil to breed their kin. It's quite revolting. I loved making my way across the tundra, using my grappling hook to climb buildings while I methodically dismembered the tyrannical trilobites. Every great science fiction tale includes horrible bugs whose sole purpose is to make our lovable human compatriots live a wretched existence. I could get behind a title that advocated the systematic extermination of these horrible beings.

But then Capcom threw it these god damned Mechs.

This should have been the preeminent grappling hook adventure of the modern age of gaming. Levels should have been constructed with multiple pathways in which your grappling hook became your best friend. Battles should have required the quick rappelling action only a grappling hook can provide. This could have been Spider Man in the snow with a gun. This should have been a great action game. But the mechs are not particularly fun to controls and are certainly not fun to fight against. When the mechs entered stage right, they dropped the stage lights right on the head of all that was fun in this game.

Enough dreaming about what the game could have been. What it is is a disjointed adventure title with average control and very little originality. I am utterly shocked that Capcom is behind this. They have been on a roll recently. They have already developed two of the most entertaining games released this century - Resident Evil 4 and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. Even more shocking, Keiji Inafune was the man responsible for this inconsistent mess. Just last year, he graced the world with Dead Rising, one of the most original and satisfying games I have played in a long time. And now he's combining Global Warming, an underutilized grappling hook, and mechs into this hodge podge assortment of cliche action themes whose only saving grace is the bleak wilderness where the battles take place.

The control in Lost Planet has given me nightmares. The difficulty is centered on the fact that this game controls like dog poop. In a mech or on foot, your character has no significant defensive maneuvers. Basically, if the computer wants to hit you, there is very little chance you will be able to move out of the way. Because the animations for every action, from jumping to reloading and even switching weapons, takes a second after pushing the button before it activates, you can be sure that you will rarely do what you want when you want.

Any fight that takes place in close quarters is a migraine inducer. Enemies are equipped with fast firing rocket launchers that can hit you repeatedly until you die, with no ability to move out of the way. The beautiful particle effects Capcom worked tirelessly to create means you won't be able to see your opponent during most fights. There is a perpetual cloud of smoke and snow floating around your head. Lost Planet gives you the experience of piloting a mech as Stevie Wonder. I just called to say I loathe you.

Do not even consider playing this game. Lost Planet may not be bad, but it's not particularly fun either. I spent most of my time either concocting new curses that could fully express what I was feeling or lecturing Bethany about the finer points of game design and how Lost Planet fails at every opportunity. Without an audience to listen to my cries, I would never have had the strength to finish it. If you are halfway through and expecting a crescendo at the end, give it up now. The final battle throws everything you have been doing through the entire adventure straight out the window, replacing it with a bland Zone of the Enders clone that would have felt outdated last decade. Xbox 360 fans deserve much better than this.

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