G-pinions

Back on schedule, how about that? It's the end of a generation, and we usher out the Gamecube by counting down it's best exclusive games. Plus the usual news, what we've been playing, and Al shows up to tell us the apparent merits of Earthbound, eleven years too late. Dig in!

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I must apologize. In my haste to complain about the PSP and gather support against the evil Electronic Arts, I never wrote about what truly matters. Nick and I played one of the greatest games of all time last March but there has been no mention of it on these virtual pages. My experiences are not fresh enough to recreate the experience here, but I did make a few notes back in March that I will share now. And then? A huge announcement that will move the Earth itself as it spins with joy.

"The other day, God and I were having a pretty serious conversation. Names were thrown around and feelings were hurt, but eventually God tried to make amends. He offering me a gift. "Anything in the world!" he said. Well, when you can have anything you can possibly imagine from God himself, you shouldn't just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. And believe me, I certainly didn't. I thought about all the starving children in the world and homeless puppies, but I didn't want God to think I was some lame do-gooder, trying to show my benevolence in exchange for more wishes. So I asked for something I think we can all appreciate - a really great video game. Don't laugh, I didn't just ask for any old game. That would be silly, no? I said I wanted a co-op game that would put all other cooperative endeavors to shame. I wanted an idea finally realized; one that has been drifting in and out of my conscienceless since birth. I wanted something with giant spiders. God nodded his head, thrice blinked his eyes, and spat out, in a way that only God can, Earth Defense Force 2.

Of course, I forgot to specify that I wanted a game on a system I actually own. The Japanese have been playing EDF2 for a year now, blissfully unaware that the silicon they were so enjoying was crafted from neuron particles drifting around my carbon coated cabeza. God must have had quite a laugh at my inability to play the game he created specifically for me. Eventually, he took pity and blessed my buddy Nick with the desire to import this dream game for the two of us to share. So finally, I have laid my hands upon the greatest cooperative game ever imagined by human and deity alike."



Ever since that day 8 months ago I have been pining for more Earth Defense Force action. But it has only been released in Japan. Neither I nor any of my friends have a foreign console. I was stuck reading other people's experiences with this great game, hoping that one day, God would finally bring it to American shores. Would you like some symmetry? Next March, exactly one year after I first experienced Earth saving bliss, a new EDF title will come to America for my Xbox 360. I cannot possibly capture how important this announcement is to me. There is no greater joy in gaming than playing with a friend. Notice I said "with." Competition may drive our society, but making your way through a video game with a buddy is about as good as life gets. Why do you think Nick and I spent 200 hours playing Champions of Norrath, Gauntlet: Seven Sorrows and Adventures of Cookies and Cream? Co-op makes everything more fun. So, when you have a game that is already brilliant and add in a second player, well, you have a classic for all of time.

Like everything in life, there is a slight catch. You may have read how God tricked me earlier. Don't worry, the sequel to the PlayStation 2 classic will come to America next year and it will have cooperative play. However, it will not let you and a friend team up online. My initial reaction was pure anger. You expect me to go all the way over to my friend's house? Or, god forbid, I have to shell out $60 for another controller? The nerve! But then I started thinking. Co-op is the best thing ever, but part of that fun comes from hanging out with a friend. Voice chat is impersonal. It's distant. I assume D3, the publisher of this game, left out online co-op because of technical limitations (did I mention the 10-story tall insects?), but, deep down inside, I'm sure they understand the joy of hitting your friend in real life because he shot you with a god-damned rocket launcher.

It's going to be some competition for my gaming time next March. Should I play Earth Defense Force X, possibly the new greatest co-op game of all time? Or should I try that Halo 3 Beta everyone is talking about? decisions, decisions...

Trauma Center: Second Opinion is forcing me to relive the humiliation of being cut from the high school basketball team ten years ago. This may surprise readers of this site, but I used to dabble in athletics from time to time. I was never the most gifted player on the court, but I was good. I made up for my lack of pure talent by hustling, playing solid defense, and using the all mighty power of momentum to my advantage. But I'm short and slow, always have been, and simply could not compete with the world-class athletes from my high school. I walked away with my head down, vowing to never touch a ball again nor run more than ten feet at a time. And now, here comes Trauma Center, reusing the scenarios from the NDS version with pretty new graphics, and it makes me feel like an inadequate teenager.

I can't draw a star. I just physically cannot do it. I spent twenty minutes yesterday practicing. "Up, down, cross the middle... BAH! That one looks like a dwarf star. That's a red giant. That's a god-damned billy goat." None of them looked like the five point prince I was supposed to draw. I couldn't do it. My brain knew what needed to be done. My hand, usually a happy participant in all things gaming, just could not do the required motion. I switched to lefty at one point, hoping he could save me. Nope, not even close. So now Trauma Center sits in a cold mailbox, waiting to be sent back to sunny California, while I hang my head in shame.

This seems like as much an issue with Trauma Center as with the Wii itself. Are developers going to expect precision drawing? Am I going to have to perform complicated motions in the future? Is there a section in Zelda I won't be able to pass because I can't move the Wiimote in some arbitrary manner? How about Mario Galaxy or, god forbid, Mario Kart Wii? What if I have to fling the controller in a specific manner to use my Star Man? The Wii is all about mainstream bonding. It's about accessibility. Ease of use. All the crap Nintendo has been spouting and now I, an avid gamer, can't draw a god-damned star in a surgery simulator. Someone has failed here and it isn't just me.

The gestures have already become a problem. In Zelda, I have to lunge with the nunchuck to perform a shield bash. I am rarely able to mimic the motion demanded of me. I usually end up spinning around in a circle, flailing my sword like a dancing Muppet, while losing my healthy to an attacking enemy. Does Nintendo really expect me to learn multiple motions to progress through a game? I'm used to pushing buttons not conducting symphonies! This isn't a huge problem yet (except for Atlus, whose game I cannot adequately write about now), but it certainly could be. If this is the future of gaming as sales reports and mainstream news would have me believe, they better make sure their technology is solid and the games versatile enough to allow a sometimes spastic gamer to advance.

The next generation retro gaming battle has finally begun. Microsoft started dumping crap from the late '70s on us last year and gamers resisted. It was a valiant effort on their part to attract an audience that doesn't play First Person Shooters, but I have no interest in Joust or Robotron. A year later, Nintendo has followed suit. Though they have actual games in their library to release, they are holding them all back for a rainy day while they milk gamers $5 at a time with Pinball and Soccer. Clearly, we need someone to intervene. Surely Sony must have a better plan to introduce their own classic games, right? They don't have anything approaching Nintendo's catalog of hits, but they've been doing this for 10 years already. They can still save us, right?

Yes and no. As far as games go, the initial offering of PlayStation One titles is both less entertaining than Nintendo's VC games and in even shorter supply. When the highlight of your five released games is Crash Bandicoot, well, you have some issues. But Sony has done something quite admirable. They are only charging $6 for these games. To compare, Nintendo is charging $5 for NES games, $6 for TG-16 games, $8 for SNES and Genesis games, and $10 for N64 games. The PSX lineup may not has aged as gracefully as the SNES library, but $6 versions of Jumping Flash and Twisted Metal 2 sound incredibly temping to me.

I honestly can't believe Sony has gone the cheap route with their downloadable titles. Their online service may be piss poor, but they aren't charging people so much as a dime to play online. They aren't even pushing nominal upgrades for their PS3 games. There is no Horse Armor or overpriced, relit maps available for purchase. As far as I can tell, Sony is not nickel and diming consumers at all. The console may cost $600, but everything else is either free or cheaper than the competition. I am floored. And, if you look at the picture located just below this paragraph, it seems like Sony is actually offering the occasional online deal as well. $2 off an original title for a limited time sounds like a fantastic idea to me.



Sony has had a lot of problems in the early going for their new uber-console. And it should be noted that these PSX games can only be played on your PSP right now, though that should be amended at some point. However, it is nice to see signs of improvement. Sony has a lot of ground to make up and I honestly don't know how they will ever manufacture enough systems to overtake the Wii, but this is at least a hint of what we can expect in the future. MS and Nintendo were content releasing old games for way too much money. Sony, as the reigning market leader, may be able to bring a little order to this chaos. We'll have to see what happens in the coming years, but I can't imagine Sony will allow EA to rape consumers with $50 worth of microtransactions for lame racing games. It almost feels like the parents had been gone for a weekend and the kids have thrown a disastrous party. A little discipline is just what this next generation of gaming needed

Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin - The second half of the year has been very disappointing for the Nintendo DS. Mario Basketball was incredibly cheap, Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2 wasn't nearly as good as its predecessor and Contact was just boring. Not even Elite Beat Agents could capture the magic of Ouendan. But I still have hope. I don't think there has ever been a bad 2D Castlevania game. It doesn't matter if it's of the linear action variety, is chuck full of role-playing elements like Castlevania 2 or the Metroid-vania games we've been enjoying since Symphony of the Night came out. Castlevania is one of the few franchises that seems to deliver every single time. It's uncanny actually. I honestly have no idea what is going to differentiate this game from SotN, Circle of the Moon, Harmony of Dissonance, Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow, but I do know it will be fantastic. I mean, it's a new Castlevania. I may rant and rave against yearly sequels, but I will never snap at a hand so eager to deliver treats. If you're as down on the NDS lineup this year as I have been, you can't go wrong with a new Castlevania.

Kirby Squeak Squad - Kirby was shown for the first time at this year's E3. I was pissed when I saw what they were trying to sell. A Kirby game that uses buttons? How crass. You actually expect me to move the pink puff with a D Pad? Like a common houseboy? I expected a real sequel to Kirby's Canvas Curse, but I was stuck with a "traditional platformer." How quaint. But I gave it a shot while waiting for someone to stop hogging Chibi Robo DS. The first thing I noticed was that the top screen is where the bulk of the action takes place. I am a journalist and therefore one of the most observant people in the world. I'm sure a lot of average folk would not have picked up on this detail. Looking slightly down, I found the bottom screen was occupied with something much more entertaining than suck 'n hop action. It was a view, from the inside of Kirby, of his always-overflowing belly. Yes, it's kind of a waste of a perfectly good touch screen, but who cares! It's Kirby's stomach, on fully display, for the entire adventure. That alone will persuade me to play this game. The NDS may be having a lousy year, but four classic 2D games (Mario and Yoshi's Island) in one year makes me quite happy.

Full Auto 2: Battlelines - You know something, I really enjoyed the first Full Auto. It was shallow and repetitive, but the core concept was quite enjoyable. Call me a simple American if you must, but I see no problem with a game centered around driving quickly through detailed cities with a hood-mounted gun. Isn't that just a recipe for fun? This PS3 exclusive adds a much needed multiplayer mode to the mix. I know there aren't enough PS3's out there to take advantage of a multiplayer mode, but in theory this sounds really fun. It should be just like those old school vehicular combat games that have disappeared for some reason. Twisted Metal and Rogue Trip were excellent in the mid-90s and I have no reason to believe Full Auto 2 can't be fun ten years after the fact. Once you're done playing through Resistance, what other choice is there?

If you're still reading at this point I have a prize for you - a chance to be entered in the Halo 3 beta! Isn't that fantastic? Just visit Halo3.com some time today and enter. The site is not up as of publication, but it is supposed to become active sometime on December 4. Good luck.