G-pinions

First, let us mourn the loss of Dead Rush. This GTA-plus-zombies, modern marvel of design was obviously way ahead of it's time. I mean, killing zombies with a car can't be any less fun than with a gun, right? Right? Well, seriously, Treyarch was making it, so it couldn't have been too bad. Though, it did look pretty awful. Either way, god rest it's 'organs stuck in your fender' soul.

Secondly, and I know Tom has written about this at length, Second Sight is going to kick ten types of ass. Free Radical can apparently do no wrong, and I'm sure this will be no different. In fact, after watching a recent video of some basic psionic stuff (the first I'd seen of anything besides gunplay), I've decided to return or trade-in Psi-Ops, having not even opened it. The video is that impressive (says I); they seem to have everything Psi-Ops has in SS, only done in infinitely more stylish and well-developed ways. Plus I'm not currently playing PO anyways, so I might as well get rid of it while it's worth something (because I assure you, once Second Sight comes out, it will not be). So there you have it. My allegiances lie with Free Radical when it comes to mind-control games, where they should be.

Also, Tom better be using the track-ripping ability in ESPN NFL 2K5 that he probably doesn't know about to make his crappy favorite band play every time he scores a touchdown, cause that feature is just plain cool, even with lame music. Along those lines, the fact that the whole ESPN lineup is $20 this year (including basketball, yay!) makes this old man quite pleased.

And finally, I don't know what the shit this game is about, but it looks hella scary. Dan, you should play through it with me, holding hands, under a blanket. And why does the new Hot Shots game look exactly the same as the last one only with more annoying caddies? Fuuuck that.

Apparently, monkeys are the secret sauce of the video games world. Sure, they stink a little and are really bad for your health, but add a little to a normally bland game (or burger patty) and you have yourself a game (meal) worth talking about. Ape Escape 2, the sequel to the first ever monkey catching simulation, is pretty much identical to the original, only this time around there are even more monkeys and monkey related paraphernalia. This game does skew towards a decidedly younger audience than those with violent murders and blood lettings, but if you’re as sick of needless violence as I am, this is the perfect palate cleanser.

So what makes this game so amazing? Well, it certainly isn’t the graphics, which, through my rose colored beer goggles, are exactly how PSX games used to look. The control also leaves a lot to be desired with an iffy double jump move and a horrible camera system (there is no system). Oh, and the game is easy even for the most “Did I say mildly? I meant wildly” retarded of young children.

The developers realized they were not dealing with a technically “great” game though, and just ran with the fantastic idea of trampling around a coloring book world capturing monkeys with your monkey catching net. Oh don’t think that’s the only device at your disposal. The game gives you a limitless variety (ten or so…) of different gadgets to capture the horrible little primates with a penchant for monkey mischief. Sure, only half of them are actually fun to use (the helicopter would be loads more fun if I could use it as a horizontal whacking tool), but the half that are worthwhile are sadistic sex in digital form.

Take, for example, the stun club. Such a simple object - looking more like a neon blue light saber than a weapon of brutality - but with it comes great joy. Sure, it is fun watching monkeys do their monkey thing, but it’s even more fun to whack them with the stick until they lay still, stretched out and in obvious pain, on the cold, uncaring ground. And if they get up again, which they most definitely will, you can whack them again and again! The best things in life are free. And they involve hitting monkeys with sticks.

Later in the game, your stick of monkey pain gets set aside as you acquire the punching glove. Those that think sticks are more powerful than gloves have never seen a monkey get knocked out with just one punch from a glove – a feat that would take a half dozen whacks from the stick.

And then there’s the RC Car, which you can use to run over a careless monkey's foot. When they are taking part in the one legged pain dance, grasping their flattened foot with their monkey hands, you can run up and whack them with a stick! The game urges you to put the monkeys out of their misery by capturing them with your net. That’s not nearly as much fun as pegging them a few times with an explosive shell from your slingshot before storing them safely in your nylon death trap.

The game is not just for sadistic, monkey hating bastards like me, though. The game uses the useless coins found in most platform games as actual cash money. For every 10 you collect there is a junk ball machine that will reward you with great prizes. Present in the machine are all kinds of rewards – from one ups to game hints and upgrades to your RC Car to Monkey Fables.

What’s a Monkey Fable you say? Glad you asked. Permit me to recite a favorite of mine:

“The Monkey Who Cried Jimmy

A long, long time ago there lived a monkey who told lies all the time. He was such a terrible liar that all the monkeys in the town ceased to trust anything that he said. One day, he was busy lying, just as he always did, when he spotted Jimmy thundering towards the town. He tried his best to warn everyone: “Jimmy is coming! Jimmy is coming!”

But not matter how much he shouted and screamed, not a soul listened. So he had no choice but to run from the town by himself. Every last monkey was captured by Jimmy, and the town was finished. The liar monkey lived out his years comfortably in a far away town.

The End”

See that? Genius!

The game isn’t short either. It took me, arguably the greatest monkey capturer of all time, 12:46 to catch all 300 monkeys and defeat the head monkey. But, the game is even longer than that. To finish 100% of the game, you need to defeat all 20 levels in a time trial. Only a gold will get you those pesky extra percentage points. And, there are over 20 fables to unlock, as well as a variety of very Japanese-y comics and other monkey related things.

As you know, video games were originally intended for monkey trainers to perfect their monkey catching skills in their homes before attempting to catch the real thing. With this in mind, and considering that Ape Escape 2 is the best monkey catching game out there, I can safely say that AE2 is the best video game ever.

Hell yeah, bitches! Katamari "Motherfucking" Damacy, a fan favorite around here, is finally coming to the States. Everybody's favorite "your-dad-is-the-prince-of-the-cosmos-and-trashed-the-place-one-night-while-drunk-so-you-
as-a-tiny-alien-have-to-roll-up-everything-on-earth-from-an-orange-up-to-a-skyscraper-into-
balls-of-random-crap-to-replace-the-stars" game is coming over thanks to Namco, whom I will now worship for a short time.

However awesome this may be, it does represent a growing problem for me, and no doubt countless other over-eager gamers. There are too damn many great games coming out this fall. Fo' real. It's not even a problem financially - I'm sure i'll be able to scrape it together and find a good deal or flimsy raincheck policy or two - it's more an issue of time, unbelievably. And desire, I suppose. I mean, there have got to be at least 30 must-play games being released between September and December.

I will be purchasing, for sure: Halo 2, Fable, GTA: San Andreas, Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal, Burnout 3: Takedown, and Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. If they're as good as I think they'll be, I'll also be purchasing The Movies, Star Wars Battlefront/Battlefield: Modern Combat, Mortal Kombat: Deception, and Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition. And finally, I will be playing through Second Sight, Silent Hill 4, Gradius V, X-Men Legends, Prince of Persia 2, Neo Contra, Devil May Cry 3, and Resident Evil 4, even if I have to rent them one at a time. There's a ton more I want to play, that's just the main stuff. And I won't even get into next spring, which is almost as ridiculous.

I mean, check this out: Fable - September 13. GTA: San Andreas - October 19th. Halo 2 - November 9th. Each of those games is an easy 50+ hours. Good times, for sure, but at what cost? Of course I could just "not play" a bunch of these games, but c'mon, you're reading the wrong site if you think that's the case - I'm obviously crazy.