Saturday, January 01, 2005
New year, same crap
Though I said on this site last week "I won't buy any more games from now until March" I did buy three more games yesterday. But, that was because Nick had already purchased them for me at Circuit City a few weeks earlier. So while some people may say I went back on my word by finally giving him the cash I owed him yesterday, to that I say you are all fools. But now everything works out perfectly. I got three new games on December 31 and now that the New Year has strolled on by, I won't be buying any new games for a few months. Works much better having a nice, happy date like January 1st rather than some arbitrary December or Smarch day that no one will remember anyway. So, to commemorate my new found freeness from the constant worry of having to buy every new game that comes out, combined with this fancy new shirt I now wield (like a can of soup) I present to you a list of the top 10 reasons I am looking forward to Jade Empire. In keeping with G-Pinions tradition, I didn't do any actual research to prepare for this. And I haven't ready anything about the game since, oh, May of last year. My theory is, if you are already going to buy a game, why read about and subsequently ruin every little detail? Also, my naive readers will follow me down whatever cave I point them towards anyway. On with the show!
10) Setting
Ok, I'm not actually a huge fan of ancient China. It's so free of technology and Americans I just want to scream! Scream and throw paper airplanes with brave mice wearing goggles going down as the kamikaze pilots (leave it to me to throw a Japanese analogy into my paragraph about ancient China). Anyway, ancient China is the setting of such craptacular novels as... that one... I was supposed to read for Asian History a few years back... if I can't remember the name these past few sentences will stand as a testament to my ever receding memory brain. But, while I may not be enamored with the time and place of this latest awesome adventure, it does have one thing going for it - it's original. There is not one game in my library which takes place in ancient China. In fact, I can't think of any game, ever, that takes place there. I bet there are all kinds of cool story ideas and gameplay potential that will be opened up with this fancy new world. And, yes, I just referred to ancient China as new. Send any complaints by way of Nick.
9) Real-Time Combat
I have a feeling I'm going to have to string this list out a little towards the end, so I'm just going to talk about the real-time aspect of the combat here. None of the other drool worthy aspects of the fighting system will make their way into number nine. As much as I love RPGs, it can be tiresome trudging through turn-based battle after turn-based battle for more than 40 hours. Sure, some games, like Chrono Trigger, have such amazing battle systems you really don't mind the constant fighting. And others, like Knights of the Old Republic, let you be a bad-ass Jedi. Who could possibly find any problems with a game that lets you have a choice of wielding two separate lightsabers or one dual-ended lightsaber? That's the kind of choice I wouldn't mind tackling in real life. But, even with the awesomeness other RPGs offer, a game that can combine a great story with great, action-oriented combat would be second to no one. Not Churchill. Not Mao. No one. I just better make sure I play through KotOR II, Paper Mario 2 and Final Fantasy 2 (and any other sequel you can throw my way) long before March roles around or I may find my catlike reflexes dulled to narwhal or, fear of fears, mere sloth-like levels.
8) Graphics
Of all the things I can be called a whore of, graphics are not one of them. On any list chronicling the various things I am a whore of, graphics would be somewhere between ice and top hats. But I am still human. I recognize beauty it all its forms, and there is a poop load of beauty in Jade Empire. Have you seen the graphics? It makes Knights of the Old Republic look like some hot lady's diarrhea. Everything is so lush and vibrant, I just want to grab a piece of that bamboo and curl up with a nice, warm panda bear. If I wasn't trying to cut swearing out of my vocabulary, I would tell that hussy Fable to stick something round and hard up a sensitive area. Everything looks like crap when you compare it to Jade Empire! Jade Empire will combine the sheer technical proclivity of The Sands of Time with the raw graphical power of Conker's Bad Fur Day: Online and Ultra Fury. There is something to be said for allowing artists a blank slate with no restrictions. Jade Empire will prove that every ounce of power Microsoft squeezed into the Xbox was well worth it.
7) Mini-Games
This really shouldn't be ahead of graphics, but I refuse to actually cut and paste this column. Don't worry; I have my top three already decided. No skimping on quality for that part of the post. As for the main mini-game in question, I'm not sure if it will actually turn out to be a good thing or not - but the potentially is certainly there. Apparently, when you travel from one place (county? back road? castle? I don't know much about this game...) to another you go by way of flying ship. This leads to a pretty awesome looking mini-game. Sort of like an update to 1941 by Capcom on the good ol' NES. Simple, yes, but oh so rewarding. I love flying and bombing enemies in the comfort of my two-dimensional world. I figure these action areas, combined with the already kickass real-time combat system, will make this game both the second greatest RPG ever (nothing can top Chrono Trigger) and the best action game ever (a category so vague no game currently holds the top spot in my world).
6) Shirt
Laugh if you must, but this T-Shirt is the coolest thing ever. And when Jade Empire comes out and all the kids are drooling at its unparalleled awesomeness, they will look to me, the wearer of the shirt, to guide them. This shirt is guaranteed to make others see me as the hero I truly am. No longer will I need to pay full price for my dry cleaning, or get on my hands and knees when I beg for dates. This shirt, provided I keep it lemony fresh, will be the key to the doors currently locked from me.
5) Jade
Do you really think it's a coincidence this game is called Jade Empire? They could have chosen any name. They could have even made up a name. But no, they chose Jade. A name which just so happens to be shared by the amazing lead character of Beyond Good & Evil. Since BG&E is one of the top games made this generation, you can be assured that Bioware got their hands on it. Clearly, using Jade in the title of their soon-to-be Best Game Released This Generation is an homage to the best heroine.... ever.
4) Choice
By now, the ability to choose your own path through an RPG has been done to death. I mean, there was already Knights of the Old Republic, and Fable... and I'm sure there have been others. Regardless of how many titles actually allow this, the feature has been done before. But this hardly makes it any less tasty. Just like jumping on enemies heads has been the predominant way of disposing of evil since the way back generation yet it was still a blast in Alien Hominid, Jade Empire will prove that reworking and perfecting features in previous titles is the only way to ultimately create the best game ever. As much as the open ended nature of gaming scares me, being able to choose whether I'm the hero or the anti-hero is just far too interesting for me to pass up. It shows me that, while many favor a life of goodwill and virtue, there are certain amenities the dark side offers. Or have you not read my review of Knights of the Old Republic?
Segue!
3) Bioware
Once again, if I was in the swearing mood, you would see a big expletive right between the O and W. I think they earned that respect. It is rare that a company is able to produce only one console title, and a licensed one at that, and yet somehow vault their way towards the very top of my favorite developers list. Though KotOR will surely only get worse with age as more RPGs with the moral structure are released, and maybe even better Star Wars RPGs, it was so amazing for its time I will never forget my time playing it. Just like Rare, EAD and the rest of my favorite developers, Bioware has earned my respect and dollars until they prove they cannot be trusted.
3) Fighting
I already mentioned the real-time combat system up around the top, number eight or nine I think, but didn't even touch on what Bioware has in store for us. This may very well be the most complex real-time combat system every implemented on a home console, outside of fighting games of course. At the touch of a button, you can completely change your fighting style, use magic powers, or even morph into various deadly creatures. This game has the same number of moves, if not more, than your typical, turn-based RPG, but somehow is able to let you pull them off real-time. Imagine this senario: you fight some drunken Chinese guy with mostly punches and kicks. For some reason, he refuses to bow to your might. So you do what any good warrior would do and freeze him cold with a burst of Chi. Then you whip out your trusty nunchucks, whipping his frozen ass with your wood. From there, you transform into some sort of lizard beast and squish him into the hard ground. Has there ever been anything as cool as that? In any video game? I think not.
2) Music
I miscounted so I'm sticking music in at number two, though clearly this is way too high up. Anyway, I'm sure the music will be really good. I mean, I don't really remember the music from KotOR at all, but I'm sure it was great. If everything else was great, why wouldn't the music be as well? It's like Superman not having super humor. If the yellow sun made everything about him "super" why wouldn't he be super funny as well? Now that I've ripped off Seinfeld and disgraced G-Pinions in one swift blow, I'll move on to number 1.
1) You Get To Be a Woman
Come on, what else did you think would go up here? Every game should give you the option of being a woman. Yes, Madden, I'm looking in your direction. I know everyone thinks I'm a weirdo because I was a chick in KotOR, and then I was that hot Viking girl in Champions of Norrath, and will be a kickass Asian woman in Jade Empire, but it's just so much fun. There are so few games released that actually let you play as a women. It's refreshing to find one even if it is merely an option. And don't forget that most video game heroines are overly busty, fantasy women. It's nice having a relatively normal woman, like whatever girl I end up being in Jade Empire, or the always welcome Jade from Beyond Good and Evil. I know there would be a lot of differences if more women played video games, but I'm sure the biggest difference would be more female heroines.
Only about 90 more days until release.
10) Setting
Ok, I'm not actually a huge fan of ancient China. It's so free of technology and Americans I just want to scream! Scream and throw paper airplanes with brave mice wearing goggles going down as the kamikaze pilots (leave it to me to throw a Japanese analogy into my paragraph about ancient China). Anyway, ancient China is the setting of such craptacular novels as... that one... I was supposed to read for Asian History a few years back... if I can't remember the name these past few sentences will stand as a testament to my ever receding memory brain. But, while I may not be enamored with the time and place of this latest awesome adventure, it does have one thing going for it - it's original. There is not one game in my library which takes place in ancient China. In fact, I can't think of any game, ever, that takes place there. I bet there are all kinds of cool story ideas and gameplay potential that will be opened up with this fancy new world. And, yes, I just referred to ancient China as new. Send any complaints by way of Nick.
9) Real-Time Combat
I have a feeling I'm going to have to string this list out a little towards the end, so I'm just going to talk about the real-time aspect of the combat here. None of the other drool worthy aspects of the fighting system will make their way into number nine. As much as I love RPGs, it can be tiresome trudging through turn-based battle after turn-based battle for more than 40 hours. Sure, some games, like Chrono Trigger, have such amazing battle systems you really don't mind the constant fighting. And others, like Knights of the Old Republic, let you be a bad-ass Jedi. Who could possibly find any problems with a game that lets you have a choice of wielding two separate lightsabers or one dual-ended lightsaber? That's the kind of choice I wouldn't mind tackling in real life. But, even with the awesomeness other RPGs offer, a game that can combine a great story with great, action-oriented combat would be second to no one. Not Churchill. Not Mao. No one. I just better make sure I play through KotOR II, Paper Mario 2 and Final Fantasy 2 (and any other sequel you can throw my way) long before March roles around or I may find my catlike reflexes dulled to narwhal or, fear of fears, mere sloth-like levels.
8) Graphics
Of all the things I can be called a whore of, graphics are not one of them. On any list chronicling the various things I am a whore of, graphics would be somewhere between ice and top hats. But I am still human. I recognize beauty it all its forms, and there is a poop load of beauty in Jade Empire. Have you seen the graphics? It makes Knights of the Old Republic look like some hot lady's diarrhea. Everything is so lush and vibrant, I just want to grab a piece of that bamboo and curl up with a nice, warm panda bear. If I wasn't trying to cut swearing out of my vocabulary, I would tell that hussy Fable to stick something round and hard up a sensitive area. Everything looks like crap when you compare it to Jade Empire! Jade Empire will combine the sheer technical proclivity of The Sands of Time with the raw graphical power of Conker's Bad Fur Day: Online and Ultra Fury. There is something to be said for allowing artists a blank slate with no restrictions. Jade Empire will prove that every ounce of power Microsoft squeezed into the Xbox was well worth it.
7) Mini-Games
This really shouldn't be ahead of graphics, but I refuse to actually cut and paste this column. Don't worry; I have my top three already decided. No skimping on quality for that part of the post. As for the main mini-game in question, I'm not sure if it will actually turn out to be a good thing or not - but the potentially is certainly there. Apparently, when you travel from one place (county? back road? castle? I don't know much about this game...) to another you go by way of flying ship. This leads to a pretty awesome looking mini-game. Sort of like an update to 1941 by Capcom on the good ol' NES. Simple, yes, but oh so rewarding. I love flying and bombing enemies in the comfort of my two-dimensional world. I figure these action areas, combined with the already kickass real-time combat system, will make this game both the second greatest RPG ever (nothing can top Chrono Trigger) and the best action game ever (a category so vague no game currently holds the top spot in my world).
6) Shirt
Laugh if you must, but this T-Shirt is the coolest thing ever. And when Jade Empire comes out and all the kids are drooling at its unparalleled awesomeness, they will look to me, the wearer of the shirt, to guide them. This shirt is guaranteed to make others see me as the hero I truly am. No longer will I need to pay full price for my dry cleaning, or get on my hands and knees when I beg for dates. This shirt, provided I keep it lemony fresh, will be the key to the doors currently locked from me.
5) Jade
Do you really think it's a coincidence this game is called Jade Empire? They could have chosen any name. They could have even made up a name. But no, they chose Jade. A name which just so happens to be shared by the amazing lead character of Beyond Good & Evil. Since BG&E is one of the top games made this generation, you can be assured that Bioware got their hands on it. Clearly, using Jade in the title of their soon-to-be Best Game Released This Generation is an homage to the best heroine.... ever.
4) Choice
By now, the ability to choose your own path through an RPG has been done to death. I mean, there was already Knights of the Old Republic, and Fable... and I'm sure there have been others. Regardless of how many titles actually allow this, the feature has been done before. But this hardly makes it any less tasty. Just like jumping on enemies heads has been the predominant way of disposing of evil since the way back generation yet it was still a blast in Alien Hominid, Jade Empire will prove that reworking and perfecting features in previous titles is the only way to ultimately create the best game ever. As much as the open ended nature of gaming scares me, being able to choose whether I'm the hero or the anti-hero is just far too interesting for me to pass up. It shows me that, while many favor a life of goodwill and virtue, there are certain amenities the dark side offers. Or have you not read my review of Knights of the Old Republic?
Segue!
3) Bioware
Once again, if I was in the swearing mood, you would see a big expletive right between the O and W. I think they earned that respect. It is rare that a company is able to produce only one console title, and a licensed one at that, and yet somehow vault their way towards the very top of my favorite developers list. Though KotOR will surely only get worse with age as more RPGs with the moral structure are released, and maybe even better Star Wars RPGs, it was so amazing for its time I will never forget my time playing it. Just like Rare, EAD and the rest of my favorite developers, Bioware has earned my respect and dollars until they prove they cannot be trusted.
3) Fighting
I already mentioned the real-time combat system up around the top, number eight or nine I think, but didn't even touch on what Bioware has in store for us. This may very well be the most complex real-time combat system every implemented on a home console, outside of fighting games of course. At the touch of a button, you can completely change your fighting style, use magic powers, or even morph into various deadly creatures. This game has the same number of moves, if not more, than your typical, turn-based RPG, but somehow is able to let you pull them off real-time. Imagine this senario: you fight some drunken Chinese guy with mostly punches and kicks. For some reason, he refuses to bow to your might. So you do what any good warrior would do and freeze him cold with a burst of Chi. Then you whip out your trusty nunchucks, whipping his frozen ass with your wood. From there, you transform into some sort of lizard beast and squish him into the hard ground. Has there ever been anything as cool as that? In any video game? I think not.
2) Music
I miscounted so I'm sticking music in at number two, though clearly this is way too high up. Anyway, I'm sure the music will be really good. I mean, I don't really remember the music from KotOR at all, but I'm sure it was great. If everything else was great, why wouldn't the music be as well? It's like Superman not having super humor. If the yellow sun made everything about him "super" why wouldn't he be super funny as well? Now that I've ripped off Seinfeld and disgraced G-Pinions in one swift blow, I'll move on to number 1.
1) You Get To Be a Woman
Come on, what else did you think would go up here? Every game should give you the option of being a woman. Yes, Madden, I'm looking in your direction. I know everyone thinks I'm a weirdo because I was a chick in KotOR, and then I was that hot Viking girl in Champions of Norrath, and will be a kickass Asian woman in Jade Empire, but it's just so much fun. There are so few games released that actually let you play as a women. It's refreshing to find one even if it is merely an option. And don't forget that most video game heroines are overly busty, fantasy women. It's nice having a relatively normal woman, like whatever girl I end up being in Jade Empire, or the always welcome Jade from Beyond Good and Evil. I know there would be a lot of differences if more women played video games, but I'm sure the biggest difference would be more female heroines.
Only about 90 more days until release.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
OPM Demo Disc Review Issues 86 & 87
Well, I know that I'm way late on both of these issues - most of these games are out now, in fact. Regardless, I played them to talk about them, so here you go:
Issue 86 Demos:
Dukes of Hazzard: Return of the General Lee - Pretty fun, actually. I'm not sure if I'm too young or too not-an-idiot to have watched the show when it was on, but it somehow works decently well in videogame form. Sure, the speed, controls and actual gameplay are decades behind Burnout and the like, but it's fun to run from the cops down dirt roads and hit the "yee-haw!" button non-stop (yes, it has its own button, just for kicks). Good cut-scenes and voice acting too (I assume on par with the show if that's saying anything). I'd never buy it in my wildest dreams, but it's not pure crap like I was expecting.
Fairly Oddparents: Shadow Showdown - Not that many console games seem to be made purely for kids these days - there's always some snide humor, phallo-centric weapons or shiny, shiny graphics to keep adults mildly entertained as well. This game however, is just for kids. You explore the levels and collect keys, and you can't even really attack bad guys. Just kind of run into them until they die. Anyhow, if you're old enough to comprehend what I'm writing here you're probably too old to ever enjoy this. Ever.
The Incredibles - The demo level is lots of fun, and looks damn good while doing so. It's too bad a glitch got me stuck in an elevator so I couldn't finish it. I'll probably pick this game up one day when it's down to $5, just to relive the awesomeness that is the movie. I assume the final game is way too short and that only half of the characters are fun to play as, but I can vouch for the demo at least :-)
Jak 3 - Finally, something worth talking about. It's hard to judge Jak fairly now, being such a huge Ratchet & Clank fan, and especially hard since I'm currently playing Up Your Arsenal. I really enjoyed the first Jak game, and played through most of the second one despite the sometimes soul-crushing difficulty spikes. It's definitely got a wonderful presentation and story going for it, and that's not lost in the third game; it's just that....well, the actual gameplay isn't half as fun as R&C. They're impossible not to compare. It still controls well and is one of the best-looking games on any system, but beyond the characters and gameplay variety there's not much to care about. The levels can quickly get monotonous, the move set feels limited even with the light and dark powers, and the targeting can be iffy. They've just never struck the right balance of platformer and shooter, and keep striving for some unattainable middle-ground that apparently doesn't exist. It just feels like an obsolete series now with such crushing competition, though I'm sure many would argue. Try before you buy.
Killzone - Without any hype behind it, this game would have been critically adored, I just know it. I've talked about it previously so I won't get into it again, but it's a fun FPS with some great visual design. Damn the nay-sayers.
King Arthur - I was shocked at how decent this was (based on two levels) after reading some horrendous reviews. Well, decent to bad, but far from awful. The whole riding a horse mechanic is thrillsville, complete with blur-effect speed charge and man-trampling skills. The on-foot level felt a lot like LOTR, only with characters I don't give a shit about and even more repetitive tasks to accomplish (kill them! then...kill them!). I'd rather just give the real Clive Owen a foot massage (*sigh*, that dreamboat...).
Spyro: A Hero's Tail - I loved the first two Spyro games on PS1 - lame art design, but fantastic level design and lots of quality platforming saved them. So without either of the latter, which Insomniac took with them when they left, you're left with a boring game with even more boring art design. They've obviously realized they'll never get the main game right again and have added a bunch of other playable characters to compensate (the flying penguin level is actually pretty sweet), but it just makes me miss the quality of the original. Weak.
Suikoden IV - I can totally see the appeal of the previous games in the series from what little I've played, but man I hated this demo. I just utterly despise the look of the game. Every human character looks so bland and typical, and the one non-human in the demo is a fucking cat in a sports jacket. So. Fucking. Lame. What's the point of being able to get 108 people in your party if they're all completely uninteresting? It also plays just like every other RPG based on my fifteen minutes or so (I know, not nearly enough to judge), only with much assier graphics. I'm sure fanboys will eat it up, but it's just REALLY not my thing.
Under the Skin - Sometimes games need to stay the fuck in Japan. I'm all for whimsy and oddness (or Engrish), but this bored me to death after about fifteen seconds. You run around earth annoying, tricking or scaring people into coughing up (I can only assume) delicious, addictive coins, usually by putting dogs near them or disguising yourself as one of them. In fact, it's even lamer than that description and I can't even explain how. It's just an exercise in wasting your life, and should be avoided at all costs. Damn you Capcom, you don't need this crap.
Issue 87 Demos:
ATV Offroad Fury 3 - As 'good' as this series is, I kind of wish it had died off after the second game. This newest one controls well, looks good, and is fairly fun, but doesn't offer anything new to the series. Continually honing a good idea can be fine, but not in such a limited setting as ATV racing. I just ended up saying "fuck the race" and finding new and inventive ways to throw my driver to his death.
Champions: Return to Arms - Man, I forgot how much I love this series. The first game (Norrath) was the only game, ever, that I've picked right back up immediately after finishing it and started all over again. It helps that I played it co-op the whole way through with Tom, but it's still a fun game by yourself. You know that feeling of exploration/reward you have when finding a new weapon or ball upgrade in Metroid? That's in Norrath too, only constantly. Hopping over to your inventory screen to see what kind of axe fell out of that boar when you killed it is half the fun. Anyhow, this sequel looks even better, if that's possible, and feels just as fun to play. I'm glad they didn't mess with the interfaces too much, and the new race they give you to play as (I call him man-tiger) is tits. I'm pretty sure this is currently coming out in February, and you'd best believe Thompson and I will be exploring every last cavern (whether he knows it or not).
Megaman X8 - Three-dimensional side-scrolling can certainly work (see: Klonoa 2), but it looks and plays like ass in this demo. The Megaman controls have never been exact, but when you have complex character models there's just a certain level of believable moment you come to expect. Everything feels sloppy and imprecise, and it's just not fun.
MTV Music Generator 3 - Y'know, I just didn't play this. I'm sure it's fun, I'm sure it's decently powerful, but if I'm going to spend my time messing with loops and samples I'd rather just hop on to Garageband.
Prince of Persia: Warrior Within - Didn't play this either, but not for the same reason. I just don't want to play any of it until I can rent it and play through all of it. With Tom, no less. It's tempting, of course, but the relatively lukewarm reviews have helped me stave off the urges. I'm sure there's still a fabulous game under all that badditude, and I aim to find it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Battle Nexus - Ha! This is a game....that's hilarious. So. Bad. I can't even tell if it's better than the first one because both are next to unplayable. This is such a cool, unique franchise, how can they bear to botch the game so badly? Everything is just ultra-lame. The guys you fight, the moves you have (since when was the turtles' best attack a rushing shoulder-thrust?), the waaaaaaaay-too-pulled-out camera, and yes, the sound effects and voices. Again. When my Leonardo picks up throwing stars, he says "Thought I was only good with a sword? Wrong again!", simultaneously insulting my knowledge of the turtles and implying I was wrong about some asinine assumption previously. Arguably my favorite line ever in a videogame, yeah, but not for positive reasons. Suck.
Issue 86 Demos:
Dukes of Hazzard: Return of the General Lee - Pretty fun, actually. I'm not sure if I'm too young or too not-an-idiot to have watched the show when it was on, but it somehow works decently well in videogame form. Sure, the speed, controls and actual gameplay are decades behind Burnout and the like, but it's fun to run from the cops down dirt roads and hit the "yee-haw!" button non-stop (yes, it has its own button, just for kicks). Good cut-scenes and voice acting too (I assume on par with the show if that's saying anything). I'd never buy it in my wildest dreams, but it's not pure crap like I was expecting.
Fairly Oddparents: Shadow Showdown - Not that many console games seem to be made purely for kids these days - there's always some snide humor, phallo-centric weapons or shiny, shiny graphics to keep adults mildly entertained as well. This game however, is just for kids. You explore the levels and collect keys, and you can't even really attack bad guys. Just kind of run into them until they die. Anyhow, if you're old enough to comprehend what I'm writing here you're probably too old to ever enjoy this. Ever.
The Incredibles - The demo level is lots of fun, and looks damn good while doing so. It's too bad a glitch got me stuck in an elevator so I couldn't finish it. I'll probably pick this game up one day when it's down to $5, just to relive the awesomeness that is the movie. I assume the final game is way too short and that only half of the characters are fun to play as, but I can vouch for the demo at least :-)
Jak 3 - Finally, something worth talking about. It's hard to judge Jak fairly now, being such a huge Ratchet & Clank fan, and especially hard since I'm currently playing Up Your Arsenal. I really enjoyed the first Jak game, and played through most of the second one despite the sometimes soul-crushing difficulty spikes. It's definitely got a wonderful presentation and story going for it, and that's not lost in the third game; it's just that....well, the actual gameplay isn't half as fun as R&C. They're impossible not to compare. It still controls well and is one of the best-looking games on any system, but beyond the characters and gameplay variety there's not much to care about. The levels can quickly get monotonous, the move set feels limited even with the light and dark powers, and the targeting can be iffy. They've just never struck the right balance of platformer and shooter, and keep striving for some unattainable middle-ground that apparently doesn't exist. It just feels like an obsolete series now with such crushing competition, though I'm sure many would argue. Try before you buy.
Killzone - Without any hype behind it, this game would have been critically adored, I just know it. I've talked about it previously so I won't get into it again, but it's a fun FPS with some great visual design. Damn the nay-sayers.
King Arthur - I was shocked at how decent this was (based on two levels) after reading some horrendous reviews. Well, decent to bad, but far from awful. The whole riding a horse mechanic is thrillsville, complete with blur-effect speed charge and man-trampling skills. The on-foot level felt a lot like LOTR, only with characters I don't give a shit about and even more repetitive tasks to accomplish (kill them! then...kill them!). I'd rather just give the real Clive Owen a foot massage (*sigh*, that dreamboat...).
Spyro: A Hero's Tail - I loved the first two Spyro games on PS1 - lame art design, but fantastic level design and lots of quality platforming saved them. So without either of the latter, which Insomniac took with them when they left, you're left with a boring game with even more boring art design. They've obviously realized they'll never get the main game right again and have added a bunch of other playable characters to compensate (the flying penguin level is actually pretty sweet), but it just makes me miss the quality of the original. Weak.
Suikoden IV - I can totally see the appeal of the previous games in the series from what little I've played, but man I hated this demo. I just utterly despise the look of the game. Every human character looks so bland and typical, and the one non-human in the demo is a fucking cat in a sports jacket. So. Fucking. Lame. What's the point of being able to get 108 people in your party if they're all completely uninteresting? It also plays just like every other RPG based on my fifteen minutes or so (I know, not nearly enough to judge), only with much assier graphics. I'm sure fanboys will eat it up, but it's just REALLY not my thing.
Under the Skin - Sometimes games need to stay the fuck in Japan. I'm all for whimsy and oddness (or Engrish), but this bored me to death after about fifteen seconds. You run around earth annoying, tricking or scaring people into coughing up (I can only assume) delicious, addictive coins, usually by putting dogs near them or disguising yourself as one of them. In fact, it's even lamer than that description and I can't even explain how. It's just an exercise in wasting your life, and should be avoided at all costs. Damn you Capcom, you don't need this crap.
Issue 87 Demos:
ATV Offroad Fury 3 - As 'good' as this series is, I kind of wish it had died off after the second game. This newest one controls well, looks good, and is fairly fun, but doesn't offer anything new to the series. Continually honing a good idea can be fine, but not in such a limited setting as ATV racing. I just ended up saying "fuck the race" and finding new and inventive ways to throw my driver to his death.
Champions: Return to Arms - Man, I forgot how much I love this series. The first game (Norrath) was the only game, ever, that I've picked right back up immediately after finishing it and started all over again. It helps that I played it co-op the whole way through with Tom, but it's still a fun game by yourself. You know that feeling of exploration/reward you have when finding a new weapon or ball upgrade in Metroid? That's in Norrath too, only constantly. Hopping over to your inventory screen to see what kind of axe fell out of that boar when you killed it is half the fun. Anyhow, this sequel looks even better, if that's possible, and feels just as fun to play. I'm glad they didn't mess with the interfaces too much, and the new race they give you to play as (I call him man-tiger) is tits. I'm pretty sure this is currently coming out in February, and you'd best believe Thompson and I will be exploring every last cavern (whether he knows it or not).
Megaman X8 - Three-dimensional side-scrolling can certainly work (see: Klonoa 2), but it looks and plays like ass in this demo. The Megaman controls have never been exact, but when you have complex character models there's just a certain level of believable moment you come to expect. Everything feels sloppy and imprecise, and it's just not fun.
MTV Music Generator 3 - Y'know, I just didn't play this. I'm sure it's fun, I'm sure it's decently powerful, but if I'm going to spend my time messing with loops and samples I'd rather just hop on to Garageband.
Prince of Persia: Warrior Within - Didn't play this either, but not for the same reason. I just don't want to play any of it until I can rent it and play through all of it. With Tom, no less. It's tempting, of course, but the relatively lukewarm reviews have helped me stave off the urges. I'm sure there's still a fabulous game under all that badditude, and I aim to find it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Battle Nexus - Ha! This is a game....that's hilarious. So. Bad. I can't even tell if it's better than the first one because both are next to unplayable. This is such a cool, unique franchise, how can they bear to botch the game so badly? Everything is just ultra-lame. The guys you fight, the moves you have (since when was the turtles' best attack a rushing shoulder-thrust?), the waaaaaaaay-too-pulled-out camera, and yes, the sound effects and voices. Again. When my Leonardo picks up throwing stars, he says "Thought I was only good with a sword? Wrong again!", simultaneously insulting my knowledge of the turtles and implying I was wrong about some asinine assumption previously. Arguably my favorite line ever in a videogame, yeah, but not for positive reasons. Suck.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Fuzzy Green Ball
I feel like a video game orphan right now. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Maybe I feel like a shopping cart with one wheel. Or a dog with three legs? Does that mean anything? Let's just say I'm a worm who can't find his rain puddle. I'm at home in Libertyville with a plethora of new games, and a Gamecube hooked up to my old, yet still functioning, television. But, and this is the lamest complaint you will ever hear on this site, without my lovely video game chair I can't even begin to lap up their tasty juices. Told you it was pathetic, didn't I? Well, you try sitting on the floor with nothing to lean against for an extended period of time. You try dealing with that overrated bringer of life and glare - the sun - during the day. And then there's the light that may sound like angles humming but clearly originates from a much darker place that disrupts my playing experience at night. Throw in a housemate (mother for some of you) who does not appreciate the sanctity of gaming and you have an environment that is not conducive to the dark and gritty Echoes experience. So, while I would love to tear into KotOR II instead of updating the site, sadly you can see what I actually did. Oh the horror.
Thankfully, I have been able to brave the less-than-ideal conditions to string together a few matches in Mario Power Tennis. Considering that Mario Tennis (there is no 64 at the end of this title!) is one of my top 5 favorite games of all time, I had very high hopes for its sequel. Sure, it's only tennis, so you can't do much more than update, but I had to buy it nonetheless. Even knowing full well that I was merely going to get Mario Tennis with prettier graphics, I'm still kind of disappointed. The game plays fine for the most part, I guess, but there are two things that are killing the experience for me. First, the game has super moves. I know, it's Mario and his wacky friends. It should offer something besides standard tennis fair. But having super moves just makes the game cheap and significantly less fun. You are allowed to use them at seemingly random intervals - sometimes after one or two hits, other times after more than ten. When they are activated, your racket head glows, and you can let loose with either an ultra-powerful super move (which is actually easily returnable... they always land in the middle of the court) or a defensive maneuver which lets you hit the ball no matter where it is on the court.
In theory, this concept sounds horrible. In practice, it is even worse. It's almost like Square had a part in this game. Every super move has a long animation sequence which cannot be skipped. So while it's mildly entertaining to watch Donkey Kong pound the ground, jump into a barrel and smash head first into a tennis ball the first time, it gets exponentially less fun each time you have to watch it. Kind of like that horrible Colin Quinn show with the C-level comics. I have no idea why Camelot, or Comedy Central, thought this would be a good idea. And, to make matters even worse, the animations are so over-the-top the ball is almost impossible to see. So many times, your opponent will activate their annoyingly cheap defensive move, which lightly returns the ball to your side of the court, and you'll miss it completely because pink hearts are in the way. Lame lame lame.
Thankfully, you can disable these moves in the exhibition mode. Which brings me to my other problem - the Tournament mode. A fresh copy of MPT, using the standard characters, plays really slow. Shockingly slow even. A more appropriate adjective would be painful. Puppy-stompingly painful. A mashed baby could play this game. To make the game, you know, fun, you have to unlock the Star version of your character. To do this, you have to play through Tournament Mode. I don't know who this mode was designed for, but it couldn't be people who actually play games. I have played through the entire tournament 5 times now - each tournament lasts 9 matches (or 15 sets) - and have lost about 10 points total. I obviously haven't lost one set or even a game yet. Just a few random points here and there. Now, I am pretty good at the game. But I'm clearly not godlike. They just made the game ridiculously easy for some reason. So, in order to unlock the fun characters, I have to take about 25 minutes to play through the Tournament with every character in the game. Considering that I already played through everything the first Mario Tennis had to offer a few years ago, I really have no interest playing through the one player mode in the new one to unlock the goodies. I only wish Camelot had realized that many people buying this are Mario Tennis veterans and play the game primarily for it's amazing multiplayer mode and not its ultra-lame single-player crapfest.
I'm disgusted.
The only other game I have been playing this week is.... Donkey Konga! Yeah, I know, of all the one player games I could possibly choose why would I choose the monkey hand clapping game? That's easy - I'm insane. I took it out to show some friends.. and then I kind of got addicted to it all over again. Of course, I can't physically play the game for more than a half hour straight. After clapping too much in such a short period of time, I can no longer produce sound by banging my hands together. I think I should call science about this problem. Despite my handicap, I have now almost unlocked all the Gorilla songs and all but one or two of the secret, ultra-annoying alternate bongo sound effects. Though I completely dominate in the Chimp difficulty (the second hardest/second easiest) I still get owned quite hard at the Gorilla mode. I guess my dreams of being a professional bongo player/clapper will need to be buried next to my dream of retiring when I'm 22. On to my next dream - creating a flying walrus that tastes like chocolate.
One last thing, and then I'm done. You know how I always come up with arbitrary rules? Here's my next one - I'm not buying, or accepting as gifts, any video game until March. I look over my collection and see a ton of games that I still need to beat. I got five new games for Christmas, plus eight $5 games from Circuit City in early December, plus there are still Nick's games I need to play through and the second half of Final Fantasy 2 and many other games. Anyway, I have enough to last me a year or two (I'm still only about 50% through Perfect Dark...) so I think I can last a few months until my next purchase. I said March because that is the magical month that will see the release of Conker (Yay!) and Jade Empire (words cannot express my need for this game). So, just a heads up to Brendan and the nice folks in Edmond - you'll be reading about a lot of old games for the next few months. And you're going to love it.
Thankfully, I have been able to brave the less-than-ideal conditions to string together a few matches in Mario Power Tennis. Considering that Mario Tennis (there is no 64 at the end of this title!) is one of my top 5 favorite games of all time, I had very high hopes for its sequel. Sure, it's only tennis, so you can't do much more than update, but I had to buy it nonetheless. Even knowing full well that I was merely going to get Mario Tennis with prettier graphics, I'm still kind of disappointed. The game plays fine for the most part, I guess, but there are two things that are killing the experience for me. First, the game has super moves. I know, it's Mario and his wacky friends. It should offer something besides standard tennis fair. But having super moves just makes the game cheap and significantly less fun. You are allowed to use them at seemingly random intervals - sometimes after one or two hits, other times after more than ten. When they are activated, your racket head glows, and you can let loose with either an ultra-powerful super move (which is actually easily returnable... they always land in the middle of the court) or a defensive maneuver which lets you hit the ball no matter where it is on the court.
In theory, this concept sounds horrible. In practice, it is even worse. It's almost like Square had a part in this game. Every super move has a long animation sequence which cannot be skipped. So while it's mildly entertaining to watch Donkey Kong pound the ground, jump into a barrel and smash head first into a tennis ball the first time, it gets exponentially less fun each time you have to watch it. Kind of like that horrible Colin Quinn show with the C-level comics. I have no idea why Camelot, or Comedy Central, thought this would be a good idea. And, to make matters even worse, the animations are so over-the-top the ball is almost impossible to see. So many times, your opponent will activate their annoyingly cheap defensive move, which lightly returns the ball to your side of the court, and you'll miss it completely because pink hearts are in the way. Lame lame lame.
Thankfully, you can disable these moves in the exhibition mode. Which brings me to my other problem - the Tournament mode. A fresh copy of MPT, using the standard characters, plays really slow. Shockingly slow even. A more appropriate adjective would be painful. Puppy-stompingly painful. A mashed baby could play this game. To make the game, you know, fun, you have to unlock the Star version of your character. To do this, you have to play through Tournament Mode. I don't know who this mode was designed for, but it couldn't be people who actually play games. I have played through the entire tournament 5 times now - each tournament lasts 9 matches (or 15 sets) - and have lost about 10 points total. I obviously haven't lost one set or even a game yet. Just a few random points here and there. Now, I am pretty good at the game. But I'm clearly not godlike. They just made the game ridiculously easy for some reason. So, in order to unlock the fun characters, I have to take about 25 minutes to play through the Tournament with every character in the game. Considering that I already played through everything the first Mario Tennis had to offer a few years ago, I really have no interest playing through the one player mode in the new one to unlock the goodies. I only wish Camelot had realized that many people buying this are Mario Tennis veterans and play the game primarily for it's amazing multiplayer mode and not its ultra-lame single-player crapfest.
I'm disgusted.
The only other game I have been playing this week is.... Donkey Konga! Yeah, I know, of all the one player games I could possibly choose why would I choose the monkey hand clapping game? That's easy - I'm insane. I took it out to show some friends.. and then I kind of got addicted to it all over again. Of course, I can't physically play the game for more than a half hour straight. After clapping too much in such a short period of time, I can no longer produce sound by banging my hands together. I think I should call science about this problem. Despite my handicap, I have now almost unlocked all the Gorilla songs and all but one or two of the secret, ultra-annoying alternate bongo sound effects. Though I completely dominate in the Chimp difficulty (the second hardest/second easiest) I still get owned quite hard at the Gorilla mode. I guess my dreams of being a professional bongo player/clapper will need to be buried next to my dream of retiring when I'm 22. On to my next dream - creating a flying walrus that tastes like chocolate.
One last thing, and then I'm done. You know how I always come up with arbitrary rules? Here's my next one - I'm not buying, or accepting as gifts, any video game until March. I look over my collection and see a ton of games that I still need to beat. I got five new games for Christmas, plus eight $5 games from Circuit City in early December, plus there are still Nick's games I need to play through and the second half of Final Fantasy 2 and many other games. Anyway, I have enough to last me a year or two (I'm still only about 50% through Perfect Dark...) so I think I can last a few months until my next purchase. I said March because that is the magical month that will see the release of Conker (Yay!) and Jade Empire (words cannot express my need for this game). So, just a heads up to Brendan and the nice folks in Edmond - you'll be reading about a lot of old games for the next few months. And you're going to love it.
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