G-pinions

Check out our ENORMOUS (1:47 - yikes!) year-end extravaganza! Our 'Best of 2006' lists, the PS2's turn in the third part of our 'End of a Generation' countdown, what we've been playing and all sorts of other things you'll probably stop listening to after the 1-hour mark!

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Metroidvania has officially run its course. I thought the formula was so simplistic that every game that fell within its stronghold would, at worst, turn out to be really fun. Symphony of the Night was the first game to use this approach. It is structured exactly like Metroid: an open world where you only need the appropriate item to get to the next section. SotN actually expanded upon Metroid's structure by adding those oh so tasty RPG elements. You can level up as you backtrack through the world, and even collect items from fallen foes. It was a match made in heaven. And that simple formula was able to continue unchanged for almost a decade. It's not quite so fun anymore, though. The only way to describe this obsolete series is to use a term the kids grew tired of about three years ago - Metroidvania has jumped the shark.



I should have known this game was going to be garbage. It is a yearly update after all, the very thing I preach against. Dawn of Sorrow had just come out last November. I had dutifully played more than twenty hours, tediously collecting all the souls to make my evil venture complete. It was a great game in my mind. One of the deepest games I had experienced on the NDS. And I did not imagine a developer would ever be able to mess it up. But Konami has done just. Portrait of Ruin is almost indistinguishable from DoS. It is almost the same game as Circle of the Moon as well. And Symphony? You guessed it: same game. I can't imagine I would be able to enjoy even SotN at this point. These are all the same fucking game!



All of these games feature the same tired play mechanic, although they use a different name to describe it. In SotN, you get weapons from vanquished foes. Each enemy has a specific weapon they leave when they are gone. So, you have to kill the same bad guy over and over until you can fill another spot in your slowly growing arsenal. In DoS, enemies leave their souls instead. These act as weapons, giving you new attacks, but they take the form of glowing balls of light instead of axes or lances. Same concept, though: kill the same enemy until he gives you all that he has. In PoR, you can get a special attack from the filth you exterminate. It may not be called a weapon, but it is used to kill. It may not be a soul, but it is a ball of light. This is the basic play mechanic of every game in the series, and, quite frankly, it has become awfully tired.

To make matters worse, the level design has an autistic zeal to it that would make pregnant mothers faint. Metroid suffers from the same tired ideas. Is that door way up there too high for you to reach? Come back when you can double jump! Most of the time, when you are given a new ability, you don't even have to seek out the obstacle you can now conquer. As soon as you are able to turn into a bat, there is a long tunnel above you that needs to be investigated. You think I should try it out? If you are stuck, you can just take a quick peak at the map. If you see a room where you couldn't explore all the way to the ceiling before, just teleport down there and fly around. There is no need to explore because the game has carefully laid out the easiest path through the castle. You just need to read maps with the expertise of Rand McNally's dog to figure out where to go next.



When I was halfway through this game last week, I was going to recommend picking this up for $20 someday. I rescind that recommendation. If you need a new game, just pick up a used copy of any of the preceding Castlevania titles. They're all the same anyway. Don't raise the sale figures of PoR any higher. Konami must know that people are tired of yearly sequels. This is as bad as Call of Duty, Need for Speed and all those other games I rail against. It is bland, and boring, and it is turning into a rather transparent cash cow. Take a year or two off and make something worthy of the Castlevania name.



You may thing I am being overly harsh. You may drift over to Game Rankings, see that Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin has a rating in the mid-80s, and once again ignore my opinion. I may be just one lone voice in the vast sea of the internet, but I'm the only one who apparently isn't scared to speak the truth. When big companies release a game, they need only make the graphics on par with other titles in the genre while making sure the controls respond adequately. That is the formula to getting an 8 out of 10 in this industry. That does not mean games such as C:PoR should be supported. It is the epitome of the uninspired crap that is really hurting this industry. Do you really believe Konami will rework this tired series if review scores stay as high as they are? Do yourself a favor and pick up a game worthy of your time and money. Castlevania fans deserve much better than this rehash.

I was going to write a similar gift guide for the industry, but 1UP did it so well I figured I'd just link to them:

Naughty or Nice: Presents for the Games Industry from 1UP.com

Happy Holidays to all from The G (and you can all go to hell for having presents to open tomorrow morning while I solemnly spin a Dreidel in the corner).