G-pinions

Most of the time, whenever someone talks about a quirky Japanese only title, I laugh a little than move on to a real, American game. They leave most of that oddball stuff in Japan for a reason. But, I just watched a movie of this game that I believed was released in 2003 called Katamari Damashii. I have no idea what it means, but if I had to guess it would be Super Happy Ball of Sticky Goodness.

From what I am able to gather from the video, it appear you control a squat little man who pushes a ball around a city. While he moves it around, it somehow makes everything stick to it. The more you push it around, the larger it gets. Eventually, if you can make the ball grow big enough, you can pick up larger objects like buildings and people, who seem none too happy about this.

I guess that's it. It doesn't seem like there is much to do other than make your mass of objects grow bigger and bigger. But it looks so fun I really, really want it. I figure the game is some thing of a scavenger hunt, where you have to collect 5 people, 7 park benches, and a stick of gum before you can move on to the next level.

The best part is there's a multiplayer mode. The video only showed 2 people playing so I assume it doesn't go up to 4 players, and only about 3 seconds worth of footage, but I assume it's pretty great as well. You can slam your giant ball into your friend and, um, something great happens I'm sure. I think the perfect solution to all of life's problems is to have 989 stop making games completely and just port wacky stuff like this over.

Check out the movie here. It's long but so worth it.


Addition by Nick: I just wanted to link to a couple of screenshots as well, because this game needs to be seen even if you're too damn lazy to watch the video. Also, apparently the name translates roughly to "The Massive Spirit."

Remember a few weeks ago when rumors were flying around the internet that Microsoft had purchased Bioware and were ready to reveal this spectacular news come E3? Apparently, like so many internet rumors, that little bit for information was every bit as untrue as Nintendo leaving the console wars or Sega reentering it.

If you'll direct your eyes to this news story, you'll see the Bioware is planning on showing more than just Jade Empire at E3 this year. What other games can we expect? A new game called Dragon Age that may not appear on the Xbox at all if the "PC RPG" designation is any indication.

I could obviously be wrong about this, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Microsoft probably doesn't own Bioware if Bioware isn't even releasing all its games on the Xbox. Shame for those of us (me) who don't own a PC capable of actually playing games, but it did seem a little too good to be true. MS better have something in its bag of goodies or it will be completely overshadowed by Nintendo and Sony at the show. No matter how cool your lineup of games is, nothing can compete with the unveiling of brand new hardware.

This again eh? Yes, this again. This month was actually pretty damn sweet, and certainly settles some issues and expectations around here. Well, mine anyhow. And last month was lame, so I decided to forgo it. Dig:

Demos:

Transformers - This was a mixed bag. I would have liked it to be sweeter than being kicked in the mouth by a man made of sugar (*tips hat*), just to rub it in Tom's smarmy mug, but while it was certainly fun for a bit, a couple of issues need to be fixed before the final game if they expect me to play it again. The idea is pretty cool, and very motivational - you scour huge landscapes as a robot, car, or, er, glider, looking for mini-cons (adorable lil' robots) that give you various upgrades (missiles, invisibility, toaster). Along the way you encounter various nefarious decepticons to dispatch or avoid, depending on your level of pussy-imitation. The level in the demo was massive, and had plenty to do in it. And combat was fast and fun, and took a fair bit of skill. As far as the different forms, only the car made it into this demo, which looks great and goes nice and fast, but controls like a garbage truck. The glider thingy looks like the coolest of all by far, it's too bad they didn't include it in the demo. Another problem I had was the movement of your basic mech-man. I give him plenty of leniencies for being a giant walking/talking car, but he controls like some sort of even larger, more awkward car (a hummer, perhaps?). As I said, combat is fun and quick, and so is maneuvering in small bursts, but just running and jumping around the landscape is kind of a clunky hassle. OPM also mentions that the final framerate is much better than that of their demo, which I didn't even really notice as a problem. Although more visual smoothness probably equals more smoothness in movement, which is good. In the end, it certainly seems like a simple, fun game, but unless some control issues are corrected before the release, I fear it will never reach its license and game engine potential (anything with giant robots has a ton of potential in my book, especially if they're fighting in a damn rainforest).

Psi-Ops - I've certainly been looking forward to this one a lot, especially after seeing those videos of it a couple of months back, and for the most part it doesn't disappoint. Again, a sweet concept - you have various psionic powers to help you defeat your enemies and traverse the levels. The demo contains the first two missions and a sweet practice room to just mess around with infinite health and powers and bad guy supply. You can lift shit and throw it, set fools on fire, take control of enemies and make them shoot their comrades or kill themselves in some gratifying manner, or use "remote viewing" to see ahead. All the powers are as cool as they sound, and make the gameplay amazingly flexible. In a room full of guys with guns looking to kill you, you could A) shoot them B) take control of one of them and make him shoot the other C) set them on fire D) throw a box at them E) throw a flaming box at them F) throw one of them at his evil friends G) set him on fire, then throw him H) throw a corpse (also optionally flaming) I) pick them up and drop them on some sort of electrical hazard or into a pit where available J) levitate a nearby hunk of metal and administer beatings K) pick them up and shoot them L) hop onto a box and levitate the entire thing past them, or over them M) hurl an explosive gas tank in their midst N) sneak up and mind drain them, making their heads explode in a fountain of arterial fun (not available in the demo, but for sure in the final version) O) etc., etc., etc. There are plenty of options in nearly every situation, all inventive and all fun and/or gruesomely satisfying. It also extends to level design too, not just combat; if a nearby floor is electrified, you can ride a platform over it, via levitation, mind-move some debris to make a bridge across, or take control or a nearby baddie and make him shut it off. This all sounds wonderful in concept, and is, mostly, in execution. The only real complaint is in the controls. They're not bad, by any means - better than most games of this type. But considering what you're capable of, and the myriad things you can do at any given time, it can be tough to throw a box/body/gas tank/wrecking ball in the perfect direction in the heat of combat. Most situations end with you standing amongst a detritus of flaming corpses and shattered boxes, but I imagine later in the game it gets tough when it gets imprecise. The only other, somewhat silly, complaint is the lack of infinite psi-powers. It's obviously necessary from a design standpoint, as they can't have you setting everything on fire, all the time. But having to get it from mind-draining dead bodies and collect it like health just makes me feel like there has got to be a better way to dole it out. I definitely had the most fun in the practice room, just going nuts with all manner of items, alive and dead, but I suppose that's to be expected in a game with such a great physics engine.

NBA Shootout 2004 - It's fun, in that, it's basketball, it's on your TV, and it's a videogame. In comparison to most other basketball videogames, or games in general (including Sorry!), it's a travesty. Lameness all the way. 989 hasn't made or published a good game since the first Syphon Filter. And they've never made a good sports game.

Alias - Wow. This was a goddamn shock, I'll tell you what. I mean, I'll never buy it, or rent it, and I'll continue my tradition of having never seen the show, but the demo was hella sweet. The graphics were tasty (polygonal Jennifer Garner is debatable more attractive than flesh Jennifer Garner), and the level was lots of fun. You get to sneak around and disable laser tripwires, hack computer terminals in a Mastermind-type mini-game, and kick dimwitted guard ass with whatever you can find (getting into a fight in a weapons room of a museum is one thing; realizing you can use all of the weapons is another level of badassness altogether). If I was a fan of the show, I would be wetting my overalls. As is, I'm more than satisfied.

Front Mission 4 - Typical Square (er, Square-Enix, I'll never get used to it) level of presentation, sweet CG intro and all. The game itself is quite complex, and I generally don't invest time in demos of strategy games. But I'm sure if you're a fan of this type of thing, you'll go bonkers over it. I have full faith in Square. I suppose it's just not my bag, too much of an investment (this coming from the guy who's playing Disgaea, where you can level up to level 999,999). Again, giant fighting robots are sweet, in pretty much any context.

MX Unleashed - Rainbow has always made fun, beautiful racing games. I just don't like supercross racing games, no matter how realistically my biker flies off his ride.

Future Tactics - Where the FUCK did this game come from? It's great. Possibly the best on the disc, for real. It's the kind of game you don't hear about until you've played it, and then you're hooked. It's kind of a quasi-real time strategy game, with awesome gameplay that borrows the best from many game worlds, and great, great art design. You and the enemy take turns moving around a big, fully 3D map, attacking or defending as necessary. It looks more like a platformer than anything, but plays like the blue-blooded offspring of FF:CC and Worms. And again, I can't blab enough about the awesome art style; it's a bit Mark of Kri with character designs reminiscent of Jak & Daxter. Even simple physics of various objects being shot around the level was fully in-place and well done. The game did have a few slight clipping issues, but that kind of thing usually gets ironed out by release. Oh, and the very best goddamn part of all? The game will only be $15 ($20 for the other consoles) when it gets released next week. I believe I shall be purchasing it. Well done, Zed Two Game Design Studio.

Video, Misc:

There are few months where both the demos and videos are sweet, but this month could do no wrong. They have some great preview videos for Driv3r (I wish that was a typo), Robota, and GT4 (and some other ones), and the ridiculously mind-blowingly awesome intro video from Onimusha 3 I raved about a while back. It looks even more incredulous on a TV. They even had a 'replay' video showing you how to beat the final boss in Castlevania:LOI, which I happily watched, figuring I will never play through the game. All in all, it was a sexy, sexy month.

The week leading up to E3 is always the hardest pat of the year for me. For the past few months all I've been hearing is "wait until E3 and we'll reveal all." Well, it's just about here and I can't wait anymore. I need to see how this DS thing will really work. Two screens? What is Nintendo planning? And what is Sony planning with their PSP? Is it a video game system or a multimedia do everything contraption? And, of course, will Tecmo shock the world and finally unveil a sequel to Solomon’s Key?

To distract myself from the events taking place one week in the future, I've traveled back (in my mind...) to 2001, when I was one of the privileged few (thousand) who was actually admitted into E3 - also known as gamers heaven except you're alive and can tell your friends about it later - and was able to actually play games before anyone else. I will tell you folks who haven't attended this event a story that perfectly describes the situations will you find yourself in when trapped in a giant building with thousands of games for 3 days.

During those days at the show, I traveled almost everywhere with frequent poster Brendan.Sure, I forget all about him when I was playing Metroid Prime, but you definitely need a buddy with you when Pac Man Fever comes your way. And who else will show you up in a game of Unreal Championship by coming in first while you come in dead last? Believe me, Brendan is the guy you want with you at E3. As far as I can tell, there aren’t any other journalists on the planet who will take time away from playing brand new games to get their hands on an arcade version of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 – a game that came out one year earlier on the Dreamcast.

Anyway, my favorite moment of the show happened just after leaving the Microsoft booth. As you can imagine, MS's booth was jammed packed with eager gamers. Needing some relief from the crowds, Brendan and I snuck away to a quieter booth where there were no lines or people to worry about - Acclaim. I remember making frequent trips through the Acclaim booth that year to play the god awful Turok: Evolution. But this time, a new game caught my eye: Legends of Wrestling 2.

For those who aren’t aware, the LoW series is Acclaim’s attempt to cash in on the lucrative wrestling market. Their shtick was placing the greats from our youth into the game – great wrestlers like Koko B. Ware and Big John Studd. It was a good idea, but they forgot to implement fun gameplay. Still, it was a new game and there wasn’t any wait, so Brendan and I approached the kiosk. As we reached for the controllers and started to play, we realized something was wrong. Apparently, when you churn out the hits like Acclaim does, you have to skimp here and there. The result was one dead controller in my hands. Fortunately, I’m a kind man, so I let Brendan play the game one player.

This game represented the dark side of E3. It was very buggy with only an average product to eventually look forward to. Bad combination. Just when we were about to move on to something more exciting, though, a booth babe approached. Could a legendary booth babe really be approaching us? It was too good to be true.

She walked up to us and said "Hi" or "Hello" or whatever they say in L.A. So attached to the amazing gameplay at hand, we acknowledged her existence briefly, and then resumed the classic fight between the Hulkster and Andre the Giant. She started to talk about the game, I think she mentioned it was a sport and took place in a ring. After she had clearly established her expertise with the game she picked up the broken controller to demonstrate just how awesome she was.

"Sorry, that controller’s actually broken." I said to her.

She was undeterred though. "That's ok."

It was then that I realized she was not your average booth babe. Despite my kind warning, she started to hold the controller in such a manner that it appeared like she was trying to play the game. Her left thumb rested awkwardly on the directional pad while various fingers from her right hand slapped surprisingly hard at the poor little buttons. Brendan and I exchanged a look, but I assumed she was simply playing around, joking if you will, so I remained silent.

A few seconds later, after Brendan had knocked Andre down on the mat, we heard her speak again. "No, get up!" she slammed on the buttons "Get up! Get up!"

Brendan intervened this time. "You know, that controller isn't working."

"Yeah, I know,” she responded.

But then, "I'm going to beat you now. Wait... Yay!" as Andre landed on Hogan.

At that point the game froze or reset or some other glorious signal from above and Brendan and I were able to meekly walk away from the kiosk.

Did you hear there's going to be a Goldeneye 2? Yup, after all these years, we're finally getting a sequel to one of the games that made the N64 such an amazing system. Remember all those late night multiplayer matches you played with your friends? Remember how awesome it was using Proximity Mines in the basement level? You could stick the mines in all the respawn points and kill your friends as soon as they appeared. Or License to Kill in the Stack level using only pistols? Was there any game more tense than that? It's about time someone finally resurrected that classic...

Wait a second. This new game isn't Goldeneye 2 at all. It's called Goldeneye: Rogue Agents. It will probably still be great though. I mean, it does have the Goldeneye name behind it and GE is one of the best games ever. No worries right? They still have the same levels and talented development team behind it, right? Nope, guess again.

Electronic Arts, the most hated of all video companies, is once again trying their hardest to single-handedly ruin the industry. Sure, that's a little over dramatic, but what else is there to say about a company that is blatantly trying to make money off the work of another developer?

When I first heard about the proposed Goldeneye sequel, I was obviously quite upset. Goldeneye/Perfect Dark are my second favorite games of all time, and I spent most of my junior year of high school in my basement playing Bond with my friends. It is a game that revolutionized first person shooters on home systems and is still amazingly fun today. Yes, Nick, some people are able to play FPSs without dual analog sticks.

I assumed, when EA announced this game a few months ago, that they would simply remake the N64 classic. For some reason I thought I would see Temple and Archives redone with modern graphics and an online mode. Obviously, I wouldn't purchase this, but it would have been a fun game.

Apparently, EA is completely ignoring the original. They have decided to create a band new title from the ground up. The only thing Goldeneye: Rogue Agents has in common with Goldeneye is the name. This is much, much worse that I had thought.

To anyone who was blind to their tyranny before, this should be a wakeup call to exactly what kind of company EA is. They have built their fortune with licensed titles. Besides Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, they have not made any original games this generation. It's sick, but that's to be expected from them.

Simply owning the Bond name wasn't enough for them though. People loved Goldeneye back in the day and I'm sure more than one copy of EA's Bond games have been sold to ignorant consumers who aren't aware Rare isn't in charge of the franchise anymore. While the previous Bond games - NightFire and Everything or Nothing - were not bad games, they were nothing special. People did not run out to purchase new systems to play them nor did they organize huge multiplayer tournaments every week. They were simply fun games to play until something else came out. Hardly carrying on what GE started 7 years ago.

Can you think of any ethical reason EA would reuse the Goldeneye name? They already established with Everything or Nothing they have no problem hiring actors and writing an original script for a new Bond game. Try as they might, though, they aren't able to recreate the buzz that surrounded Goldeneye. Even after pumping millions of dollars into the development of Everything or Nothing, they still were only able to produce a fun, but very forgettable, game.

By reusing the Goldeneye name, EA thinks they might be able to once again sucker the people who don't know any better into buying their game. Most people will see the Goldeneye name and assume that Rare is still behind it. People will think they can relive past glory. There is no other reason, other than money, EA would need to go back to this title. There is no similarity between this new game and the old game. In this game, Goldeneye refers to a gold hued eye the main character has attached after losing his real eye in a battle with Dr. No. Did EA have such a need to create this ridiculous story they were forced into using the Goldeneye name? I'm going to guess no. It is simply a way to cash in on a big name. If EA is so worried about making money, why don’t they just make an original game that is as good as Goldeneye? Why not attempt to make a classic people will still be playing in 7 years rather than trying to cash in on popular licenses?

I know Nick is going to try to defend his company once more, but this is beyond defense. It's one thing to buy popular movie franchises and churn out games to make a quick buck. It is another thing entirely to reuse another video games' name in attempt to bolster your own profits.

So here I am, back from Boston, belly full of seafood and heart full of anti-Yankees sentiments. And mind full of Kaiju. I'm glad to see Tom kept the fine tradition that is this site going in my absence, but fear not, for all arguments will once again have another side thanks to my return. On to the post!

I actually managed to get a good deal of gaming done while on vacation, perhaps even as much as I would have done lying around this god-forsaken city. This is mostly due to the fact that everything in Boston closes at like 11, so we had little to do at night. The dorm was also well equipped, with a sleek TV, an X-Box, Gamecube, and a broken PS2. And great guys that dig video games. I forget if I mentioned it, but I bought Breakdown the other week at an unadvertised sale at Target ($20), despite my lack of an X-Box (soon, soon). So I brought it with me on my trip, and played a good three or four hours of it. Let me say right off, it is like no other game. Just as Tom mentioned that Metroid Prime isn't really an FPS, it's Metroid in 3D, Breakdown isn't really an FPS. I'm not quite clear what it is, but it doesn't feel right dropping it into such a typical category. The whole thing of seeing your limbs on screen most of the time, and using them to punch and kick and drink soda and climb ledges, the selling point of this game, is actually super well-done. And the entire game, including cutscenes, is done this way. Near the beginning of the game, you vomit into a toilet. Talk about immersive. The animations for it are done really nicely; when you open a door, you reach out, grab the handle, and kinda lean into it, the way you would open a real door (as opposed to letting it swing open while you stand there, then walking through). You gain health by drinking soda (which you see onscreen, as your put it up to your lips), and eating ration bars and hamburgers (same thing, you take bites out of them). You actually pull your flak jacket over your head, instead of just hearing a zipper sound and seeing on your HUD that you can take more damage. You also have some crazy moves that work better than you’d expect from this perspective, like a backflip and a side roll. The resulting effects are convincing and actually useful. The first boss picked me up by my neck, slammed me up against a window, and knocked me to me feet before smashing up and away through the ceiling. It's all super-immersive, and strangely effective in holding your interest.

Now, it's not all good. Far from it. I'm sure I'll finish the game (after restarting, because my save is on an X-Box a plane ride away), but there are several issues that almost ruin the insane amount of creativity and coolness going on. First off, the controls. There's really no reason why a FPS (for argument's sake, I stand by my non-classification) in this day and age shouldn't have perfect controls. One stick for movement, one for looking, inverted. That's it. Adjust sensitivity as desired. But the control in Breakdown just blows. I'd love to be able to blame the awful, non-symmetrical X-Box pad, with it's janky analog control and badly-placed jelly-bean buttons, but I have to lay this one on the designers. The movement is always slow and somewhat unresponsive, and the look is either slow as well or way to erratic (I tried every damn control setting available). Then there are just some bad design choices - block (which looks cool, crossing your super-powered hands out in front of you) is mapped to the button in the left analog stick (L2 on X-Box?), so, as you would imagine, moving while blocking is a bitch. As it auto-targeting, having it either lock on or not when you start shooting/punching, and stay locked on until you hit 'A'. It's just frustrating, and ruins some potentially tense moments. Well, I guess they're still tense, but more in a "Will my controls work or won't they?!!??" kind of way. Another problem I have, though not nearly as potentially game ruiningly evil, is the level design. It's cool that the game is Japanese-made (they don't make many FPSs), but it's obviously made very differently from anything here, and I think that the quality isn't quite up to our standards, seeing as we goddamn own the genre. The levels are fairly repetitive so far, and not laid out naturally at all. It's nice that a lot of parts cater to the game's hands gimmick, but they could have been even better. Overall, I'm happy with the game, and will surely defeat it in time, but I can't handle bad controls, especially when the game is supposed to be emulating the complexities of human movement. Quite the awesome concept though.

Another game I put a good amount of hours into whilst away was Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Tides of War. One of the guys I was staying with picked it up while I was there, and I knew that the game had gotten pretty great reviews when it came out a while ago, so Matt (my host) and I decided to play it through co-op. A good way to kill a couple hours at a time throughout my stay, we naively figured. Little did we know, the designers of said game made the INEXPLICABLY RETARDED decision to not let you save during co-op play. At all. Wanting people to get the most time possible out of your game is fine, but not being able to save is just fucking stupid. We were already a couple of levels in at that stage, and decided that we were gonna take it all the way. Go through it in one session, that is. It took us two (left the game paused overnight), but we did it, in something like seven hours.

So how's the game? Meh. I mean, almost anything is fun co-op, but as an FPS, and the sequel to the game that started the whole damn genre, it was painfully average. Mostly boring levels (castles, caves, labs, and a couple outdoor levels), typical weapons (two or three guns that you end up using almost exclusively, cool-looking but crappy flamethrower), silly enemies (zombies and a nazi dominatrix or two), and fairly crappy graphics and physics. Oh, and a few borderline-fatal glitches. One particularly aneurysm-inducing stealth level took us 83 (eighty-fucking-three) attempts and a good hour to get past, simply because Matt ran a bit ahead when I guess we weren't supposed to be that far, forcing us to respawn standing right near several nazis who were just dying to spot us. I'm not even sure how we did it in the end. Overall I just don't think it was meant to be a co-op game, as the levels don't cater to it whatsoever (they make it more frustrating, actually). I suppose I still had a good time playing through it, because as I said, co-op is always fun), but the game wasn't anything special.

So those were my basic gaming experiences while gone (besides a couple levels of co-op Halo). What else has been going on around here? Let's see...

It looks like multiplayer Metroid is going to be just what we've been talking about, fighting and finding weapons while escaping as a ball and grappling (cool), but with the same lock-on control scheme (lame). Oh well.

I got a bunch of magazines yesterday and today. I'm glad to see PSM has a decent exclusive cover story (Devil May Cry 3, looking badass), GMR being ballsy and giving FarCry a 7/10, and OPM having sweeeet demos (look for a disc review soon), despite getting a makeover that makes their reviews almost unreadable. Shame.

Random game I'm looking forward to: Mark of Kri 2. Random game I will be buying come September: Burnout 3.

In looking at the Gamefaqs best-game-ever poll, there are some really interesting results so far. In the Vice City vs. KOTOR battle, I'm shocked that KOTOR has as many of the votes as it does (about 40% as of now). Maybe Tom was right (I feel so dirty saying that). Starcraft beating out Halo is pretty cool, but not too surprising I suppose, as I still know plenty of people who play the six year-old game regularly. Final Fantasy vs. Pitfall is stupid, as is Super Mario World vs. The Simpsons. Seeing Castlevania:SOTN beat Perfect Dark makes me squeamishly jolly, whereas Metroid Prime beating Half Life does not. It'll be cool to see some of the later battles (Tetris vs. GTA, anyone?).

Here are those X-Box2 specs I mentioned a couple days back. Oh so elusive my ass.

I can't believe Tom hasn't been all over the rumors of a new Sega console. I mean, he sleeps with his Dreamcast at night (totally unsubstantiated). Anyhow, the rumor has been making the rounds, and while I doubt it's happening, we'll have to wait until E3 to see anything solid. Maybe they'll do something crazy and enter the portable market, or announce they're installing a copy of Crazy Taxi in every taxi in the U.S.

I hope to god Splatterhouse does indeed get a PS2 sequel, which is also a fun new rumor.

Those tiger-men I mentioned in Champions: Return to Arms are actually called Vah Shir Beserkers, and are a new playable race. Badass! Also, the game is going to have a lot of unlockable stuff, like alternate missions which the first sorely needed.

IGN seems to have gone the Gamefaqs route and gotten a makeover. Kinda fugly, but at least it loads a tad quicker. A tad.

Finally, Timesplitters 3 is now officially called Timesplitters: Future Perfect, and will officially kick ass.

Do you ever get to the point in a game where you're cruising along, figuring out puzzles on the fly while blasting any bad guy that comes your way - and then, out of the blue, a huge boss appears and proceeds to kick your butt until your vision is blurry from the constant stream of tears flowing from your eyes and you keep trying to yell for help but the phlegm is blocking your vocal cords? I was at that point in Metroid Prime for 24 long hours. I couldn't sleep with the stink of failure spewing from my pours. Images of the all mighty Omega Pirate flashed into my head whenever I closed my eyes. There I was, pinned against the wall like a helpless squirrel, while he pummeled me mercilessly. He laughed - that deep, guttural, not-quite-human-because-he's-a-genetically-mutated-pirate laugh - while his unholy minions finished me off. I had to walk through an entire day with these images flashing through my eyes. The laughter of children sent shivers up my spine and curses from my mouth when I assumed they were laughing at my ineptitude. Then the debilitating depression hit when I realized they were... but not because of Metroid Prime.

The darkness is gone now. I have finally beaten the Omega Pirate in Metroid Prime, and I am here to not only regale you with tales of conquest, but show you how easy it is to defeat this hellacious beast. Just clear your head of the thoughts of losing and focus your energy on taking down this satanic spawn.

When I first encountered this most giant of evil pirates - the twisted love child of an X-Men Sentinel and Ebeneezer Scrooge - I ran to the farthest corners of the room. He is so tall I, as an adult human, barely even reached his knee. The mere sight of him made me run like the scared girl I had become.

This strategy is as likely to succeed as trying to kill Ghandi by poisoning his food. For you see, the developers of this game, sadistic men that they are, thought they would play the role of psychologists by building a boss so large and scary one cannot help but run away - a strategy they knew full well would lead to the player's demise. The only way to even begin to take on the Omega Pirate is to come as close as you can without actually making contact with him.

I can hear you complain about this strategy already, and your complaints fall on sympathetic ears, but you must believe me. If you take any sort of distance with this warrior you will be pelted with shiny red bombs that will lower your defenses rather quickly. As these bombs are completely unavoidable, you will need to stay close to this Omega Pirate if you want any chance of staying alive long enough to teach baby to tap dance.

While the incoming bombs will no longer bother you up close, a new threat rears its ugly head - the dreaded arm swipe. Sure, when your pet duckling or Roger Ebert attempts such a maneuver you can merely take the blow and laugh at your muscular superiority. Metroid Prime delivers a much deadlier opponent. Omega Pirate is 50 feet tall and made of steel (aren't all pirates made of steel?) so one swipe from him will send you flying into the nearest wall and 1/5 of your life bar will fly down with you.

While this attack cannot, under any circumstance, be avoided, you can make sure Mr. Pirate does not even attempt this. Is this true? Oh, it's true. If you stay very close, but move constantly backwards, he will not be able to swing at you. He likes a stationary target, so make sure you don't back into any walls either, ok?

Now, it's time for your first attack. You will need missiles, lots and lots of missiles, so make sure you're fully loaded before you enter the battle. While it only takes 40 shots to bring him down, you will miss him a few times and there are his miniature minions to worry about later, so come equipped with around 100 missiles.

While you are staying close and avoiding his attacks make sure you are charging your power cannon the entire time. This is when it gets a little tricky. If you stay close to him long enough, eventually he'll grow to hate the little bug you've become and will unleash his Electric Wave Attack of Death. Beware of this attack, respect it, but also love it. This attack is the only way to even begin to hurt him, so anticipate it like summer vacation but make sure you execute the moves like a child blowing up his Teddy Ruxpin with firecrackers.

You can tell when he is set to unleash this attack when a glowing purple ring of electricity circles him. When you see this circle appear, brace yourself, but don't be too hasty with that B button. Wait until he strikes the ground - it will be less than half a moment so stay sharp – then slam on the jump button as the purple ring rockets towards you. If you timed it right, Omega will still be crouched low as you hover unfazed in the air. When you begin your descent, hit B one more time while simultaneously hitting Y to smash his armor off with your Super Missile. Repeat this 3 more times and then you're on to phase 2.

The deadly phase 2 is the place where I saw the blurry screen of death flash oh so often. At this point, all those annoying Elite Pirates you have been battling for the past 4 hours arrive on the scene with a bloodlust you have not encountered previously. You will have no way to prepare for their attacks either. Any of the four deadly variations of pirate can appear, along with a buddy or five, in a violent attempt to take you down.

Any fighting you do at this point will have to be efficient and deadly. Pray for an appearance by the weak white guys or the pansy yellow pirates. You should be able to dispose of these wanna be bad boys in one or two blasts. If a red or purple pirate appears, just do the best you can in the time allowed.

Time allowed? Is there a time limit to these duels? Actually, yes, there is. The only way you can actually harm the Omega Pirate is when his mini cohorts take the stage. At this point, Omega has turned himself invisible and disappeared in any of five Phazon pits. He will not reappear for 10 seconds, so use your time wisely by destroying as many of the Elite Pirates as you can. But when the 10 second mark roles around, switch to X-Ray vision and prepare to attack your mortal foe.

It shouldn't be too hard to locate Omega Pirate - he is bloody huge - but make sure you're jumping and grooving to avoid stray attacks from the still pursuing Elite. When you do catch up to him, blast him with another Super Missile. He will scream in agony and disappear again. Do not turn back to your normal vision mode at this point. I made the mistake of trying to kill off all the Elite Pirates before dealing with the real enemy and found myself dead over and over again. Stay in X-Ray mode for your real enemy will show himself once more in only 5 short seconds.

Once again, blast him with your Super Missile. He will scream a most pained scream. You should notice at this point that half his life bar is gone. You need only to repeat the steps I have listed above one more time to finally defeat him once and for all. Your reward for this battle is a suit of black and white that makes the previous wardrobe choices of Samus look quite lame in comparison.

Or - Random Thoughts in the World of Gaming

First up, the always enjoyable Electronic's Boutique online. Today is the day that F-Zero GX for the Gamecube finally drops in price from $40 to $20. Joy! Upon browsing EBGames I laughed when I saw a brand new copy of F-Zero retails for a mere $20, while a used copy goes for $27. Good job EB.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate them? Well, I will now. Up until 2001, EB was the only place I would buy games. They used to have this great program where you could return a game, for whatever reason, after 10 days. 10 whole days of being able to play around with a game before you had to decide if you liked it enough to actually buy it. That was genius. Pure genius. I assume people abused the policy, buying a game only to return it a week later when they won it. But I used it like I was supposed to… for the most part. There was that time I bought Shadows of the Empire for the weekend when Blockbuster was sold out. And another when I bought Marvel vs. Capcom 2 and Street Fighter Alpha 3 at the same time, knowing full well I was going to return one of them in a week.

But, by having that policy, they made much money from me. I probably bought 40-50 games from them over the years. Anything I got on the Super Nintendo, Genesis, Nintendo 64 and PlayStation I got from EB. I was such a blind loyalist that when I moved from Michigan to Illinois I went online beforehand to see just how close the nearest EB was. I was a little bit crazy.

But then, it all went wrong. The EB closest to my house, in Gurnee Mills, is run by Satanist. In January 2001, when I decided I would need a Gamecube when it launched in November, I ran to EB to preorder it. I had preordered a Dreamcast from that very same store less than 2 years earlier and recieved good service and a cool Dreamcast shirt for my trouble. So, with little hesitation, I asked them if I could give them money to ensure I could get a Gamecube the day it came out. They refused. Like a poor man passing off cupcakes for cash, they said I should take my business elsewhere because the Gamecube was going to be delayed until 2002. Obviously, this pissed me off. I marched right over to Babbages where they gladly accepted my money. Oh, the GC never was delayed.

I've had a few more instances with them - once I returned an Xbox game and asked for NBA2K3 in exchange. They handed me the PS2 version and were surprised when I told them I wanted the Xbox version. Did I mention they are all blind Sony loyalists at that store? I know it's not fair to lambaste an entire corporation for one crappy store, but that's how I am. They should have just hired me a few years ago when I applied. Though combining my hatred of mainstream with a store who wants to make money could be trouble.

Let's see, what else is going on...?

Nintendo just announced a few new details about Paper Mario 2. I know it's boring to talk about RPGs before they come out, but this little tidbit seemed cool. You're much more 'paper' in this version than the N64 original. Now you can slide under doors and through cracks... and make yourself into a paper airplane to fly across large gaps. That just sounds so awesome. I'm not really planning on buying this game, but a Mario Air Plane? I may just have to rethink.

I should write about Metroid Prime some, since I've been playing it many hours the past few days. It's actually really good. Maybe even great. The deeper I get in the game the farther the game gets away from the mindless wandering around. I don't think I've had to suffer through that for many, many hours now. The game has a built in hint feature which pretty much tells you where to go next. So now, instead of wishing I could do something fun, I'm fighting and exploring all the time. And I'm having a blast.


I can understand where Nick is coming from with the bad control comment. The game doesn't control like Goldeneye or Halo or any other FPS. It actually controls like Metroid set in a 3D environment. Sure, it's annoying sometimes not being able to strafe around corners like I've been doing since Wolfenstein 3D, but the lock on fighting is actually quite enjoyable. My only problem is the lack of quick movement. There are many times when I'm hit because Samus just won't move fast enough. Other than that, it's a very enjoyable alternative to the norm.

I figure that the multiplayer mode in Metroid Prime 2 will be very different from the standard deathmatch mode. Unless they completely change the controls, which I think would hurt the one player mode, it will have to be a game that focuses more on evasion than fighting. With a grappling hook and morph ball you should be able to quickly travel around the environment. The mode might work best if the ultimate goal is to find an object or complete a task rather than kill the most people. I have high hopes that Prime 2 will kick ass.

My only real problem with the original Prime is the length. It's a bloody long game. I'm at 46% and almost 10 hours in. Back in the day I used to wake up, play through the original NES Metroid in its entirety, eat lunch, then play through again. I liked how Metroid was short and you tried to beat your old record time or win without getting all the weapons. Now, it's like an actual, full-length adventure. It's pure fun, but I miss the old style.

Oh, I almost forgot. Rare just released some new pictures of Conker - Live and Uncut. Man, this game looks so awesome.

There are too many good games. As soon as I finish Prime I'm finally going to start Viewtiful Joe. Might have to put school on the backburner for awhile.