G-pinions

As this site is clearly an advocate of cougar kind, I feel I have some responsibility to ensure that our readers know what to do if they ever encounter a cougar in the wild. You should know that the situation listed below is one of necessity. Do not actively try to find a cougar to test my advise.

If you are ever in a park playing Frisbee with a friend and you see a cougar sprinting towards you, you are going to need some fast reflexes, sharp thinking and a lot of luck. With nowhere to hide and no chance of out running the bloodthirsty beast, you have only one option - you need to train the wild animal or die trying.

The first thing, and by far the most important, that you need to do is establish trust in the animal. Like most id centric carnivores, the main concern of a cougar is where its next meal will come from. Therefore, if you can offer it something to fill up its belly maybe, just maybe, it will begin to trust you.

So, the first step to training a wild cougar racing towards you and your friend in a park is to attack your friend. Actually, the first step should be a quick apology or farewell if you have time. But, you must attack your friend as soon as possible. Cougars are a meat-eating mammal and only the freshest, purest meat will satisfy them. It does not matter that you have hamburgers and hot dogs cooking on a nearby barbecue, your friend's meat will be the most appealing to a hungry cougar.

If you have some sort of weapon, like a hard rock or stick, feel free to bludgeon your friend with it. Barring that, simply tackle your friend to the ground and attempt to beat him about the head and chest.

As most people cannot kill another person, especially a friend, in the minute or less it would take for a charging cougar to reach you, your immediate goal should be to gain the upper hand. If a cougar reaches you while you are still fighting with your friend, one of two things will occur. First, though least likely, the cougar will simply watch the fight. Cougars are a social animal and actually take pleasure in watching other cougars or entirely different species fight. If a cougar has reached you and has not yet attacked, assume that it will circle the fight until a victor has emerged.

As social as cougars are, however, they enjoy getting in fights more than they enjoy watching them. Therefore, it is even more likely the cougar will join in the fray. This is why it is so important to establish dominance as quickly as possible. As much as cougars like to fight, they hate losing. Oftentimes in the wild you will see multiple cougars team up in a fight so they will not be on the losing end. Because of this, a cougar will team up with whoever is currently winning. If your friend is on his back, covering his head with his hands as you continue to strike him with your fists, the cougar will recognize your dominance and help you defeat your buddy. If, however, you are on your back or your friend is making the fight even in any way, the cougar could very well be confused and join your friend's side.

Assuming you win the fight, you must show the cougar not only that you are pleased to
see him but that you consider him your new friend. Do this by offering the cougar a piece of your formerly living friend as a gift. An arm is the easiest appendage to remove, but if you notice the cougar eyeing your friend's buttocks or thigh, be sure to tear off a chunk and hand it to the eager cougar. Remember that if you chose wrong, the cougar might get angry and simply kill you as well, giving him two freshly killed bodies to feast on.

If you correctly selected the part of your dead friend's body the cougar most wanted, he should begin to eat. Do not relax just yet - you are still his enemy. You might notice he will not take his eyes off of you as he chews down to the bone. Do not make any sudden movements now; it is best not to upset a cougar while it is still hungry. You can move slowly, though, so use this opportunity to remove another body part. You may not end up giving him this piece, but it is good to have some backup food because a cougar can have a hunger attack at any time.

Now that the cougar is fed it is time to get down to business. His razor sharp reflexes will be slightly dulled after consumption of raw meat, but do not let him lull you into lowering your guard. He is still quite capable of striking at this point, so avoid any sudden movement or loud sounds.

What you need to do is approach the cougar as slowly and deliberately as possible. Chances are this will displease him and he will let you know by snarling or even swiping at you with his paw. Do not back down. While feeding them is one way to gain their trust and respect, if you show fear in front of them they are likely to get mad and possibly even eat you. So watch out.

At this point, if your friend is wearing shoes, remove one. You need to hold something that can reach the cougar without you needing to risk an arm trying to touch it. Now, using the shoe to keep his teeth away from you, get as close to the animal as it will allow. It will not appreciate you getting so near to it so use the shoe to fend off any attacks. If the cougar gets too vicious, simply toss it another part of your friend to keep it happy.

When you are walking towards the animal, try to appear as large as possible. Stand as tall as you can and spread your arms out like wings to increase your girth. If you have a jacket, make sure you spread that as you stretch your arms. Cougars are much less likely to attack an animal that is larger than it is, especially if it is all alone. Use your size and intelligence to your advantage.

If you can stay close to the animal without it constantly trying to attack you, you are well on your way to success. At this point in your cougar training you should still be more concerned with your safety than actually training the cougar. The only command you really need it to know is to not kill you. However, even if you can stand next to it with nary a hiss, you still might be in for some danger if you attempt to walk away later.

To have any confidence in turning your back to a cougar, you must get it in a playful and happy mood before you leave. As it already trusts you enough to let you stand next it, it should be more than willing to accept more food from you. If you do have burgers or other food, feel free to use it now. If not, your friend is still lying on the ground and has no use for his body anymore.

Simply toss small pieces of meat about 10 to 15 feet away. The cougar, whose belly is never quite full, should race after the meat and quickly wolf it down. Repeat the step a few times, slowly increasing your throwing distance. After a number of throws, usually around ten, the cougar should have calmed down a little. At this point the cougar is likely to turn and walk away from you giving you a chance to finally leave. If, however, he is still hungry, he will make his way to your friend and continue to eat. Either way, he is essentially telling you that you are free to go.

If you want to train the cougar to be somewhat of a pet to impress your living friends, follow the method diagrammed above. However, you will need to repeat the steps quite often. Unlike a dog, a cougar will not become domesticated. Do not believe you can train it to lie down or shake hands. They are wild animals and should be treated with caution. However, if you can get the cougar to trust you, by feeding it and standing close to it and generally letting it get used to your presence, it will learn to not attack you or your friends.

Crazy, crazy, crazy. There have been a lot of odd happenings in the videogame industry recently, especially in this last week. Well, let me back it up a bit. First, after it's suspicious absence at E3, it was announced that True Fantasy Live Online was cancelled. Apparently Microsoft didn't think it was making much progress in development, so they cancelled it (this, after deciding to drop publishing on the new Oddworld game and Psychonauts). Personally I think the game was looking fantastic, and with Level 5 (Dark Cloud) behind it I'm sure it would end up top tits. Also, X-Box could use a MMORPGB (the 'B' is for bagain). And does X-Box really need any more reasons to do terribly in Japan? Japanese kids eat up MMORPGs like delicious chocolate; it probably would have been the "killer app" over on their shores. I can never understand cancelling games that far in development. I mean, even if it sells badly it will still make it's money back, right? It's not like a damn movie. And I don't think Microsoft needs to worry about money at the moment anyhow, just about making strong new franchises to lure fans, which this would have done. Bah!

Next on the news list, shortly after E3 Blizzard announced it had taken development of Starcraft: Ghost away from Nihilistic. Now, I trust Blizzard completely seeing as they've never released a less-than-awesome game, so despite it looking great, if they say they want someone else working on it I'm down. Now here's the weird/great part - they've chosen Swingin' Ape Studios, creators of Metal Arms. The game is pure fun, and Swingin' Ape are pure awesome; they represent everything that's right and good with making videogames. I know this because I watched a documentary on the making of Metal Arms a while back on G4, and they just came across as a bunch of great guys who love to make great games. They're all about making their games pure fun, and somehow incorporating every good idea they come up with into said games. They're passionate about their work, and so far it's (mostly) showed in the critical reception of Metal Arms. So, I'll be very interested to see where they take Ghost. I'll also make the prediction now that in their hands it will be one of the highest-rated games of whatever year it ends up being released in.

I guess this isn't that shocking, but Acclaim lost the Turok and MLB licenses. They've been close to bankruptcy for a while now, and haven't exactly made good use of the licenses in the last couple years. Looks like Tom's game character "raptor riding a T-Rex with a cowboy hat and whip" hits it's first real obstacle. I must say, this saddens me. So who's going to pick up the Turok series? My guess would be.....hmm.....Sammy Studios. We'll see.

Hmm, well, I guess there's less news than I thought there was (i.e. I'm probably forgetting a couple of things). I think I'm going to go play some R-Type Final, which just arrived in my mail. Yay!

Once again I have interrupted my quest through the world of Beyond Good and Evil to play another (lesser) title, just so I can update this site. Only when I finally complete BG&E, which should be later this week, will I actually talk about how bloody good that game is. So, for now, you will have to read not about my amazing exploits in the deeply flawed yet ridiculously fun Spiderman 2, but instead my run through one of the most hated games this generation: P.N. 03. An unwieldy title for an unwieldy game, I have to ask - Capcom, what were you thinking?

Product Number 03 is a game that defies categorization. Wait, that’s really cliché. Let me try again: Product Number 03 is game unlike any other game out there because no other company was crazy enough to make such a game. Screenshots make it seem like your run of the mill 3rd person shooter. I guess that would work, except the controls are not the most conducive to running and gunning (meaning you can’t move and shoot at the same time) and there aren’t even any guns in the game. But, it’s at least similar to other 3rd person shooters in that it’s a 3rd person game with shooting, albeit of the palm blasting variety.

But it’s also got this whole Space Channel rhythm game going on. You don’t have to time your moves or any other Parappa type nonsense, but it has a very similar feel. PN03 has this ultra repetitive techno music (redundant, eh?) blaring constantly, but it actually works with the game. The main character tends to move in time with the music, and the frantic beat will keep you locked on to the task of finishing the levels to shut that damn music off.

Oh, and to make the game even more confusing, it actually plays more like a top down, 2D shooter than anything else. Fights are choreographed similar to Space Invaders – walk into a room, see enemy, shoot enemy, cartwheel right, shoot enemy again, duck, then destroy enemy. With the techno music blasting and wave after wave of the same enemy in the same room coming at you, it’s easy to lose yourself in a Zen like trance that would make Buddha do his patented jig. Or maybe even Jesus…

Once again, I cannot stress this statement enough; I have no idea what Capcom was thinking.

This game is as difficult to play as any game this generation just because the controls are so unforgiving. Your character, though she dances constantly and wears many different skin tight killing suits, has the grace of a sloth. She has little problem walking forward, but struggles with lateral movement of any kind – and don’t even consider moving backwards. Did I mention already that you can’t move and shoot at the same time? I think this might be a first in gaming. Basically, this is the most structured game ever. Capcom wants you to do things their way and any deviation from their designed path results in death.

The problem then, once you figure out the controls, is the pure repetitiveness. There are only about 10 different rooms in the entire game, so there is little to no variation as you traverse the levels. Instead, the game lets you upgrade your suit and purchase new attacks in an attempt to liven things up. It’s a system that works, but, because of the high cost of items, you will find yourself playing practice missions to level up far more often than actually going through the main story.

Now that I’ve pegged the game as a repetitive shooter with frustrating controls you probably assume the game isn’t very fun, right? Well, it actually is. I know, I’m just as shocked as you. It’s that element of Space Channel - the hypnotic feel and frantic pace – that makes the game somewhat enjoyable. The music, though horrible in any other context, is almost intoxicating when in the middle of battle. I found myself moving in time to the music, and was actually having a pretty good time playing the training levels for the right to buy some pretty new armor.

The game is not amazing by any stretch, but it’s different enough from anything else out there that I really am enjoying it. If I could only find a comfortable way to hold the controller, one that doesn’t cause my hand to lock into a claw-like position after a few minutes of play, this game would be even better. As it is, it’s a fun game mostly because of the feel and weirdness rather than actual, solid gameplay.

Despite my mind being in a gaming frenzy after picking up sixteen new games for $5 a piece at Circuit City today (thanks, CAG), I'll try and talk about Spiderman 2 cohesively (the game, not the celluloidal disgrace of a film that shares the same name). I played a good three hours of it yesterday at Dan's place, and an hour or so the day before; I've gotta say, it's pretty great. It's very different from the first game, and fairly different from anything else on the market. It's closest comparison is indeed GTA, but Spiderman has a very different sense of freedom.

And freedom is indeed what it's all about here. In GTA, you had the freedom to do what you wanted to do, to whomever or whatever you wanted to do it to. In Spiderman, it's about going wherever you want to go, and exploring the realms of 3D to an extent I've never experienced in a game before. The actual missions and story and combat all have their own pros and cons, which I'll discuss in a bit. However, even if you never play a single mission, the game is probably worth a purchase just for the ability to explore the city to the extent in which you can, and the ways in which you can do it. As far as I'm concerned, the controls and camera and near perfect, considering what you're doing. Once you get a hang of the variety of button presses it takes to webswing around in the most efficient manner possible (and it's fairly intuitive, unless you're a go-tard of some sort), whizzing through city streets and spinning around lamp posts feels heavenly. You can climb the tallest building in a few tall leaps, swan dive off of it with the whole city spread out before you, and plummet hundreds of stories down, only to shoot a web to save yourself mere feet above the ground. It's really spectacular to watch, and tons of fun to play.

As I said, the rest of the game has it's share of debatable problems. The side missions which you'll end up stopping by to take part in while swinging around are pretty damn repetitive - save a falling person, help the police with a shootout, fight some bad guys, or stop a car, or a combination of several of them. Even the story missions, which are indeed unique some of the time, usually follow the same mold as the side missions, only with more city traversing. But, y'know, as similar as they all are, I never got bored. They rotate pretty nicely, so I'd save a falling construction worker, then have to save another one five missions later. In-between those mission though, I'd learn several new moves or maneuvers, which just made me want to do it even better than the last time. The game is constantly encouraging you to try new things, however subtly. Just when you think you're swinging along at a brilliant speed, you'll burst out from two buildings and find yourself over a park, forcing you to webzip from tree to tree to get over it, and without hesitation at that.

The combat feels sloppy for the first ten fights or so until you learn to dodge and focus, and then the fights quickly become fast and fun, whipping fools around on webs and kicking their dead bodies off of buildings (only to jump down after them, landing on their head, then kicking them in front of a moving car). It never really feels tight, especially in comparison to the flight controls, but once you get the hang of it it's still fun. The game actually has a surprisingly steeping learning curve, in terms of being relative to your enjoyment level. Until you're completely comfortable with the controls, little things are consistently frustrating, but once you've learn them, oh boy...

Story-wise, it's definitely a mixed bag. It roughly follows the movie, sometimes mixing it up to throw Aunt Mae in front of a speeding train, and incorporating several other major villains from the comic series. A lot of the dialogue sounds cheesy when spoken by the stiff characters (and is badly or boringly acted for the most part), but is actually much closer to comic book dialogue than I think most people realize. Some of the cast, like J. Jonah Jameson, actually resemble the characters they're based on more accurately than the film versions, which is nice too. Basically, if you know Spiderman best from the films, you'll find a lot of the missions silly and out-of-place, but if you've actually read the comic books, they'll feel right at home.

So I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who likes fun. If not, well, you can continue to knit barbwire socks in your free time. The game isn't perfect by any means, but after a couple hours of play you'll soon forget you ever bitched about the controls or the fights or the fact that Spiderman can't swim.