Saturday, August 07, 2004
G:Phoria - no, it has nothing to do with our site, but we will be suing
Earlier this year, AICN ran a little feature with Harry Knowles writing about the Academy Awards as they happened. I found it to be a decent way to cover an awards show, so i figured I'd do likewise with G4's second annual awards show, G:Phoria. It was all written as it was happening, with some links and minor clean-up added later, so don't bitch about my poor grammar or anything. Otherwise, enjoy:
pre:phoria (the pre-show)
not a whole damn lot going on....tommy tallarico looking like a gay pirate...mekhi phifer says he's presenting game of the year (nevermind the fact he has nothing to do with the industry, and he only plays halo), several b-list celebrities who say they're presenting but admit to not playing games whatsoever (some ho from the o.c., others from even lamer places, somehow...)...various g4 show hosts interviewing one another...stan lee, always classy "i don't have enough time, and i'm not good at them"....he's presenting hideo kojima with a "jeep legend" award? what the shit?...anna nicole smith sounding like she lost a bit of brain matter when she lost all that weight...aisha tyler and hal sparks - former talk soup hosts are apparently big gamers...blah, a wholt lot of nothing.
g:phoria
opening list of appearing celebs is pitiful, nevermind the fact that there shouldn't be any in the first place...dave navarro and carmen electra hosting, maybe he plays SOME games, who knows or cares. at leats she's easy on the eyes...they're swearing a bunch, leading into some lame fcc-ripping bit....ultra-lame...the crowd looks like a bunch of seat-filling tweens who have never touched a controller....wait, why are they still ripping on the fcc? what the fuck? at least go after the esrb or something that makes vague sense....decent montage of random game footage..hey, breakdown! props!...man, dave navarro has come a long way since being remotely cool...
hmm...three guys who i don't know and whose intros i didn't quite understand presenting EB gamers choice award...need for speed underground, call of duty, KOTOR, Ninja Gaiden, mario kart: double dash...not a shabby list, NG should get it...KOTOR wins. it probably deserves it (even though they didn't say what the fuck the criteria was for being nominated....hk-47 from the game accepting the award by insulting the presenters from a screen...some new form of undiscovered lameness...oh i think these hosts are stand-up comedians...you wouldn't guess it...
hey it's tina wood, foxy g4tv.com host, and some douche named cliffy b....oh wait i think cliffy is the head designer at epic games or something, but he's young and blond so he's hosting a bit. at least he has something to do with the industry...showing an "exclusive" preview for the new def jam title...hey, that was a decent 15 seconds...alright, they're showing a piece on the first game up for game of the year - viewtiful joe! at least they recognize good game design to some extent ...why are they having random gamers talk about the game? they could at least talk to the developers...
ok next presenter....from sky captain and the world or tomorrow (this could be great....).....bai ling?.....she can hardly speak english...this is embarassing....ok wait, she's introducing a band.....phantom planet, not too shabby...by far the best band of the night for sure....showing driver 3 (boycott, remember) footage on some screens in the background while they're playing....they must be on the soundtrack.....it's a decent performance, but flock of seagulls last year (you read that right) way at least hilarious....doing some research on bai ling...hey, turns out her name is actually ling bai, way to go you stupid fucks...she's listed like fifth on the sky captain cast...is it that mothefucking hard to get giovanni ribisi?? christ on a crutch...
commercial break
hey, some red vs. blue catered for g:phoria, nice.....funny enough....um, topless dave navarro for no reason...ha! nice. a "security tape" of dave backstage swinging a metal rod around like the star wars kid...i don't think he gets what he's parodying, which makes it even funnier i suppose....
next presenter....anna nicole smith.....hmm, well, she was in a videogame, so i guess she has more right to be here than most of these clowns...relatively, of course....she looks alright, too bad she can hardly speak straight...presenting the award for "hottest game character"....they have some sweet graphics during the cuts and overlays, it should be mentioned....now she's dressed up as each nominee - ivy from sc2, vanessa from p.n.03 (whatcha think tom??), rikku from ffx-2 (dear god anna looks so fucking fugly and wrong in the costume it's terrifying...farah from prince of persia (she actually looks pretty hot as her, though the "real" farah is still foxier), some broad named stacy from wwe smackdown, meh....farah should get it, maybe rikku...i can't believe i'm actually giving an opinion on such an egregious award...winner is....rikku....more of anna posing and talking as her in some stupid baby voice...why not just give the award to the voice actor or the character designer?? argh this stupid show...yeah, the in-game rikku is much hotter than anna...
hmm, an almost identical sketch about some guys watching dave n.'s star wars kid parody video backstage...not funny this time, just boring...more tina and cliffy talking about some horseshit....ok next game of the year profile...prince of persia!!....it better fucking win. if it does win, this entire show will break even on the lameometer...
some bmx assholes presenting best extreme sports game...man these guys aren't funny in the least....ok actually it's the "alt sport award powered by mountain dew"....nominees...tony hawk's underground, nba street 2, nfl street, ssx3, wwe smackdown.....ssx3 should win....and the winner is...thug. eh, it deserves recognition, but it won because he's a celebrity...some lame roast of tony hawk, jokes about him selling out (why does this show incorporate insults into every award)....a joke directed towards tony: "you know, tony has retired from competitive skateboarding, which is kind of like a hobo retiring from riding trains - WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!??...hmm, now preston lacy is running on stage to jump on tony, this show has lost me completely...jesus this award for tony is like 10 minutes long...and now wee man and chad muska are on the stage too...just an excuse to cram more celebrities into this ridiculousness...footage of thug2 and the introduction of a retarded skater you can play as, not unlike timmy from south park only angrier...i've bought the last five games, so i'll probably pick this one up eventually...finally tony is going to the mic...sooooo looooong.....thanking more people than adrian brody....video preview of thug2...
commercial break
next presenter...jenna jameson...also has the loophole of having been in a game and thusly having more right to be here than most of these idiots...presenting...best racing game?? why couldn't she have been modeling those outfits that anna was? dammit...anyhow, f-zero gx, project gotham racing 2, nfsu, mk:dd, midnight club 2 (didn't that come out last december?)...midnight club should win, but won't, so mario should...man, nfsu won....hmm, jenna rubbing her boobs, nice...crowd sounds quiet and horny..."exclusive look" at nfsu2....man, i could not care less, it looks pretty but i'll never, ever play it....they didn't even give an award to anyone, they just showed the clip...
more tina and cliffy...next game of the year nominee - call of duty. eh, pc gaming, don't care, moving along...
just blaze (good record producer and shitty annoying announcer in nba street) presenting the next musical act....sigh...jadakiss. shitty lyrics being projected behind them, apparently they aren't even on a game soundtrack...talentless, typical rappers (don't get me wrong, i dig some rap and hip-hop, i just find most mainstream rappers boring)...man, that was miserable...
commercials
carmen and dave dressed in stealth shit taking down some soldier, expectedly lame...hey, fuck, it's stan lee! shut up you stupid crowd, let the man speak...he's dressed in camo.. "revolver ocelot has arrived"...sweet...they're honering hideo kojima, if you couldn't tell...he deserves lots of recognition, but not like this....well, it's better than nothing, or honoring some asshole supermodel...man, mgs3 looks so good...good, they're actually giving the "legend" award to kojima-san himself...adds come much-needed legitimacy to the show..."my dream is to keep on creating games until I die" = awesome...now they're showing some "exclusive" mgs3 footage...most, if not all of it is from the E3 video...eh, still cool...
tina and assface...next game of the year profile....beyond good and evil!...man, these choices are all pretty damn solid so far, especially considering that three of them weren't even big sellers...
haha, two of the members of good charlotte, and not even the main two guys....some idiot banter about how they like to play games....they're presenting best traditional sports game...nominees, tiger woods 2004, winning eleven 7 (sweet!), madden nfl 2004, top spin, espn nba basketball...i'm hoping winning eleven wins just for the hell of it....of course, madden wins. hey, the guy accepting the award was the assistant head encoder of programmer, meaning.....he.....actually worked on a game!! wooooo! let the man speak!.....looking nerdy and nervous...getting footballs thrown at him, har har..... :-(
wizzing through a list of other (mostly more important) awards presented this evening in a very brief montage....best adaptation: kotor...best innovation: splinter cell pandora tomorrow multiplayer (not really innovation as much as design)...best mobile phone game: bejeweled (i've heard it's as addictive as meth, and I'll probably download it when X-Box Arcade is released)...best voice performance, male: pierce brosnan, 007: everything or nothing. meh, if you've been in several james bond movies, you'd better know how to speak like goddamned james bond...best multiplayer game: unreal tournament 2004 (don't care, pc)...best sound design: lotr:rotk; i can dig it, at least they're recognizing quality game making...
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hmm, carmen playing ddr, not too shabby, certainly a high point in the show so far...alright, apparently the dudes from harold and kumar go to white castle are presenting something. these guys are actually pretty cool, i've seen them on tv a lot recently, we'll see how they fare...not funny, but they're presenting best new franchise, should be an interesting category...far cry, bg&e, viewtiful joe, call of duty (shouldn't get an award, too similar to other war games), breakdown!? yay!...bg&e should win....winner is...viewtiful joe! that's pretty cool, it deserves it...why are they asking kennedy and hal sparks what they think about the game? does anyone even know who kennedy is besides me?...lots of celebrities making quasi-jokes about the game, again, why not just award the designers?...
more tina and douchy...exclusive footage of splinter cell 3...looks gorgeous, as usual...next game of the year nominee, KOTOR...i haven't played it, but i'm sure it deserves a win. it won everything at the GDC awards, so i'm kind of sick of seeing it win though...
aisha tyler presenting something...best easter egg! this should be cool, sounds like a nice quirky award...nominees - unlock snoop dogg in true crime (it's not an easter egg though, it's a secret, there's a difference), geometry wars in pgr2 - i now want to get the game back from being loaned out just to play this mini-game (though still not an easter egg, it's a secret dammit!), unlock star wars arcade in rogue squadron 3 (again, not an easter egg, it's a secret), unlock 3D remake of the original prince of persia in the new one (debatably an easter egg, plus it was only a remake of the first level, and only in some versions), insomniac museum in ratchet and clank: going commando (the only real easter egg, i haven't unlocked this myself but it looks awesome and should definitely win)...snoop dogg wins! eh, i'm not gonna hate on my man snoop, but the game was nothing special...at least they actually spoke to the person that won...quick gratuitous sketch with carmen pillowfighting some playboy bunnies...
commercial
from the upcoming national lampoon movie 'golddiggers', nikki something or other....presenting...best cinematic, should be nice...lotr:rotk (eh, shouldn't count cause it's all taken straight from the films), drakengard (they were awesome, even if the game was not), ffx-2 (yeah, they were nice), ninja gaiden (money, like the rest of the game), metal gear solid: twin snakes...actually a close category, i'd give it to gaiden though...meh, ffx-2 wins. they were great, of course, but no better than any previous FF game...
more tina and spunky....showing some exclusive video of prince or persia 2.....video isn't great quality, but this footage is new for the most part, and showing off some awesome combat (i still have my doubts about the game though)...now talking about the final game of the year nominee, r&c:gc...i actually wouldn't be the least bit upset if this won, it's one of the best games i've ever played...the footage is making me want to play it again...
some girl and some kid presenting...i think it's the girl who hosts extreme dating...they're presenting a band called chronic future who i've never heard of...they're actually kind of an interesting mix of fairly good rap and average pop punk...hmm....hey, he has a cursive shirt on! sweet! maybe dan knows what i'm talking about...
dammit, more relatively important awards given away this evening in another quick little montage...best soundtrack: thug - agreed 100%...best handheld game: final fantasy tactics - i believe it...best graphics: ninja gaiden - why isn't this category one of the big ones?? is best extreme sports game more important? bah! anyhow, yes, it had the best graphics, no question...best rpg: KOTOR - no surprise there...favorite character: ryu hayabusa from ninja gaiden - he's a badass, but not much of a character...best voice performance, female: jada pinkett smith for enter the matrix - she was nothing special, and there a lot more deserving voice actors out there...
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word, more red vs. blue...alright, and now mekhi "I only play one videogame and have little else to do with them, if anything, and have no business presenting an award at the golden globes nevermind a videogame awards show" phifer is here to present game of the year...the nominees, once more, ratchet and clank: going commando, call of duty, KOTOR, bg&e, prince of persia, viewtiful joe...this is surprisingly tense, although it will go to either KOTOR or PoP, guaranteed....and the winner is....
KOTOR. goddamn it. i mean, fuck, i'm sure it's great, i'm sure it might have been game of the year, but prince of persia really needed this win. it didn't sell nearly as well, and had a much lower profile...they're within a ratings point of one another on gamerankings...argh, oh well....some random footage of the game, set to a music/lights show by BT, some other dude, and....tommy tallarico. damn it. way to go out by giving the biggest douche within three miles of the show stage time....
Oh well, that's it. What did we learn? That random celebrities with spotty careers apparently deserve more screen time and recognition than anyone who had anything to do with actually making a game. That apparently gamers are immature sexist assholes and needs tits in their face every five seconds (not that I mind that much, but it gets ludicrous after a while). That the show organizers don't know what an easter egg is. That Anna Nicole Smith could easily be confused with a lobotomized orangutan. And finally, that if this is what gaming needs to do to appeal to a mainstream audience, I'm not sure I want anything to do with it.
Update: I realize that I can only bitch so much without suggesting some ways to fix the things I'm bitching about. After all, I don't want to become the Michael Moore of the videogame industry (burn!). So, here's how the ideal gaming awards show should go down: First off, you can keep the whole celebrity thing. They're real people too, and some of them are as big gamers as anyone. Robin Wilson, the lead singer of the Gin Blossoms, in an avid gamer and now writes a great monthly column for OPM. So, they're out there. In fact, I wouldn't even mind them as presenters, just make it appropriate - Carmen Electra can stay on the stage, but she should at least be presenting the award for Hottest Game Character. The Rock can present the award for Best Action Game, Ben Kweller can present the award for Best Music, and Stephen Hawking can present the award for Best Puzzle Game. There should be an award for each main gaming genre, one for best undefinable genre game, one for each major aspect of gaming (control, graphics, art design, innovation, online play, etc.), some quirky ones (like the hottest character one I mentioned above), best developer, best publisher, most influential person in the industry, a lifetime achievement award, worst game award, and best exclusive game for each system. I know that's a ton of awards, but you could save the smaller ones for the pre-show, and make the whole show longer in the first place. PC games should have their own award, but shouldn't be considered for anything else outside of game of the year (a good game is a good game, so you can't exclude it from everything). It should be held in a much bigger place, with the main floor space given to one or two people from each nominated game development team. The rest would be filled out with other people from around the industry, including journalists, and if there's room left, a couple gamers. Each award would actually be given to the person representing the game that won it, and each person would have a couple seconds to speak to the crowd and thank whomever needs thanking. They wouldn't run commercials they would just have exclusive footage of new games in-between breaks in the show, which would help pay for it. Hell, they could even make the entire thing pay-per-view if need be. There should be viewer interaction, like a giant Halo 2 tournament you can play in from home during the show, and they announce a winner live at the end. The nominees should be chosen by gamers who vote at stores around the country, and the actual game award votes would come from the same people let into E3 - people in the industry, and whomever else can get in (or vice-versa). In fact, they could even take the votes there and hold it at the end of the final day. Well that's all my ideas for now, maybe I'll be struck with something fabulous later.
pre:phoria (the pre-show)
not a whole damn lot going on....tommy tallarico looking like a gay pirate...mekhi phifer says he's presenting game of the year (nevermind the fact he has nothing to do with the industry, and he only plays halo), several b-list celebrities who say they're presenting but admit to not playing games whatsoever (some ho from the o.c., others from even lamer places, somehow...)...various g4 show hosts interviewing one another...stan lee, always classy "i don't have enough time, and i'm not good at them"....he's presenting hideo kojima with a "jeep legend" award? what the shit?...anna nicole smith sounding like she lost a bit of brain matter when she lost all that weight...aisha tyler and hal sparks - former talk soup hosts are apparently big gamers...blah, a wholt lot of nothing.
g:phoria
opening list of appearing celebs is pitiful, nevermind the fact that there shouldn't be any in the first place...dave navarro and carmen electra hosting, maybe he plays SOME games, who knows or cares. at leats she's easy on the eyes...they're swearing a bunch, leading into some lame fcc-ripping bit....ultra-lame...the crowd looks like a bunch of seat-filling tweens who have never touched a controller....wait, why are they still ripping on the fcc? what the fuck? at least go after the esrb or something that makes vague sense....decent montage of random game footage..hey, breakdown! props!...man, dave navarro has come a long way since being remotely cool...
hmm...three guys who i don't know and whose intros i didn't quite understand presenting EB gamers choice award...need for speed underground, call of duty, KOTOR, Ninja Gaiden, mario kart: double dash...not a shabby list, NG should get it...KOTOR wins. it probably deserves it (even though they didn't say what the fuck the criteria was for being nominated....hk-47 from the game accepting the award by insulting the presenters from a screen...some new form of undiscovered lameness...oh i think these hosts are stand-up comedians...you wouldn't guess it...
hey it's tina wood, foxy g4tv.com host, and some douche named cliffy b....oh wait i think cliffy is the head designer at epic games or something, but he's young and blond so he's hosting a bit. at least he has something to do with the industry...showing an "exclusive" preview for the new def jam title...hey, that was a decent 15 seconds...alright, they're showing a piece on the first game up for game of the year - viewtiful joe! at least they recognize good game design to some extent ...why are they having random gamers talk about the game? they could at least talk to the developers...
ok next presenter....from sky captain and the world or tomorrow (this could be great....).....bai ling?.....she can hardly speak english...this is embarassing....ok wait, she's introducing a band.....phantom planet, not too shabby...by far the best band of the night for sure....showing driver 3 (boycott, remember) footage on some screens in the background while they're playing....they must be on the soundtrack.....it's a decent performance, but flock of seagulls last year (you read that right) way at least hilarious....doing some research on bai ling...hey, turns out her name is actually ling bai, way to go you stupid fucks...she's listed like fifth on the sky captain cast...is it that mothefucking hard to get giovanni ribisi?? christ on a crutch...
commercial break
hey, some red vs. blue catered for g:phoria, nice.....funny enough....um, topless dave navarro for no reason...ha! nice. a "security tape" of dave backstage swinging a metal rod around like the star wars kid...i don't think he gets what he's parodying, which makes it even funnier i suppose....
next presenter....anna nicole smith.....hmm, well, she was in a videogame, so i guess she has more right to be here than most of these clowns...relatively, of course....she looks alright, too bad she can hardly speak straight...presenting the award for "hottest game character"....they have some sweet graphics during the cuts and overlays, it should be mentioned....now she's dressed up as each nominee - ivy from sc2, vanessa from p.n.03 (whatcha think tom??), rikku from ffx-2 (dear god anna looks so fucking fugly and wrong in the costume it's terrifying...farah from prince of persia (she actually looks pretty hot as her, though the "real" farah is still foxier), some broad named stacy from wwe smackdown, meh....farah should get it, maybe rikku...i can't believe i'm actually giving an opinion on such an egregious award...winner is....rikku....more of anna posing and talking as her in some stupid baby voice...why not just give the award to the voice actor or the character designer?? argh this stupid show...yeah, the in-game rikku is much hotter than anna...
hmm, an almost identical sketch about some guys watching dave n.'s star wars kid parody video backstage...not funny this time, just boring...more tina and cliffy talking about some horseshit....ok next game of the year profile...prince of persia!!....it better fucking win. if it does win, this entire show will break even on the lameometer...
some bmx assholes presenting best extreme sports game...man these guys aren't funny in the least....ok actually it's the "alt sport award powered by mountain dew"....nominees...tony hawk's underground, nba street 2, nfl street, ssx3, wwe smackdown.....ssx3 should win....and the winner is...thug. eh, it deserves recognition, but it won because he's a celebrity...some lame roast of tony hawk, jokes about him selling out (why does this show incorporate insults into every award)....a joke directed towards tony: "you know, tony has retired from competitive skateboarding, which is kind of like a hobo retiring from riding trains - WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!??...hmm, now preston lacy is running on stage to jump on tony, this show has lost me completely...jesus this award for tony is like 10 minutes long...and now wee man and chad muska are on the stage too...just an excuse to cram more celebrities into this ridiculousness...footage of thug2 and the introduction of a retarded skater you can play as, not unlike timmy from south park only angrier...i've bought the last five games, so i'll probably pick this one up eventually...finally tony is going to the mic...sooooo looooong.....thanking more people than adrian brody....video preview of thug2...
commercial break
next presenter...jenna jameson...also has the loophole of having been in a game and thusly having more right to be here than most of these idiots...presenting...best racing game?? why couldn't she have been modeling those outfits that anna was? dammit...anyhow, f-zero gx, project gotham racing 2, nfsu, mk:dd, midnight club 2 (didn't that come out last december?)...midnight club should win, but won't, so mario should...man, nfsu won....hmm, jenna rubbing her boobs, nice...crowd sounds quiet and horny..."exclusive look" at nfsu2....man, i could not care less, it looks pretty but i'll never, ever play it....they didn't even give an award to anyone, they just showed the clip...
more tina and cliffy...next game of the year nominee - call of duty. eh, pc gaming, don't care, moving along...
just blaze (good record producer and shitty annoying announcer in nba street) presenting the next musical act....sigh...jadakiss. shitty lyrics being projected behind them, apparently they aren't even on a game soundtrack...talentless, typical rappers (don't get me wrong, i dig some rap and hip-hop, i just find most mainstream rappers boring)...man, that was miserable...
commercials
carmen and dave dressed in stealth shit taking down some soldier, expectedly lame...hey, fuck, it's stan lee! shut up you stupid crowd, let the man speak...he's dressed in camo.. "revolver ocelot has arrived"...sweet...they're honering hideo kojima, if you couldn't tell...he deserves lots of recognition, but not like this....well, it's better than nothing, or honoring some asshole supermodel...man, mgs3 looks so good...good, they're actually giving the "legend" award to kojima-san himself...adds come much-needed legitimacy to the show..."my dream is to keep on creating games until I die" = awesome...now they're showing some "exclusive" mgs3 footage...most, if not all of it is from the E3 video...eh, still cool...
tina and assface...next game of the year profile....beyond good and evil!...man, these choices are all pretty damn solid so far, especially considering that three of them weren't even big sellers...
haha, two of the members of good charlotte, and not even the main two guys....some idiot banter about how they like to play games....they're presenting best traditional sports game...nominees, tiger woods 2004, winning eleven 7 (sweet!), madden nfl 2004, top spin, espn nba basketball...i'm hoping winning eleven wins just for the hell of it....of course, madden wins. hey, the guy accepting the award was the assistant head encoder of programmer, meaning.....he.....actually worked on a game!! wooooo! let the man speak!.....looking nerdy and nervous...getting footballs thrown at him, har har..... :-(
wizzing through a list of other (mostly more important) awards presented this evening in a very brief montage....best adaptation: kotor...best innovation: splinter cell pandora tomorrow multiplayer (not really innovation as much as design)...best mobile phone game: bejeweled (i've heard it's as addictive as meth, and I'll probably download it when X-Box Arcade is released)...best voice performance, male: pierce brosnan, 007: everything or nothing. meh, if you've been in several james bond movies, you'd better know how to speak like goddamned james bond...best multiplayer game: unreal tournament 2004 (don't care, pc)...best sound design: lotr:rotk; i can dig it, at least they're recognizing quality game making...
commercial
hmm, carmen playing ddr, not too shabby, certainly a high point in the show so far...alright, apparently the dudes from harold and kumar go to white castle are presenting something. these guys are actually pretty cool, i've seen them on tv a lot recently, we'll see how they fare...not funny, but they're presenting best new franchise, should be an interesting category...far cry, bg&e, viewtiful joe, call of duty (shouldn't get an award, too similar to other war games), breakdown!? yay!...bg&e should win....winner is...viewtiful joe! that's pretty cool, it deserves it...why are they asking kennedy and hal sparks what they think about the game? does anyone even know who kennedy is besides me?...lots of celebrities making quasi-jokes about the game, again, why not just award the designers?...
more tina and douchy...exclusive footage of splinter cell 3...looks gorgeous, as usual...next game of the year nominee, KOTOR...i haven't played it, but i'm sure it deserves a win. it won everything at the GDC awards, so i'm kind of sick of seeing it win though...
aisha tyler presenting something...best easter egg! this should be cool, sounds like a nice quirky award...nominees - unlock snoop dogg in true crime (it's not an easter egg though, it's a secret, there's a difference), geometry wars in pgr2 - i now want to get the game back from being loaned out just to play this mini-game (though still not an easter egg, it's a secret dammit!), unlock star wars arcade in rogue squadron 3 (again, not an easter egg, it's a secret), unlock 3D remake of the original prince of persia in the new one (debatably an easter egg, plus it was only a remake of the first level, and only in some versions), insomniac museum in ratchet and clank: going commando (the only real easter egg, i haven't unlocked this myself but it looks awesome and should definitely win)...snoop dogg wins! eh, i'm not gonna hate on my man snoop, but the game was nothing special...at least they actually spoke to the person that won...quick gratuitous sketch with carmen pillowfighting some playboy bunnies...
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from the upcoming national lampoon movie 'golddiggers', nikki something or other....presenting...best cinematic, should be nice...lotr:rotk (eh, shouldn't count cause it's all taken straight from the films), drakengard (they were awesome, even if the game was not), ffx-2 (yeah, they were nice), ninja gaiden (money, like the rest of the game), metal gear solid: twin snakes...actually a close category, i'd give it to gaiden though...meh, ffx-2 wins. they were great, of course, but no better than any previous FF game...
more tina and spunky....showing some exclusive video of prince or persia 2.....video isn't great quality, but this footage is new for the most part, and showing off some awesome combat (i still have my doubts about the game though)...now talking about the final game of the year nominee, r&c:gc...i actually wouldn't be the least bit upset if this won, it's one of the best games i've ever played...the footage is making me want to play it again...
some girl and some kid presenting...i think it's the girl who hosts extreme dating...they're presenting a band called chronic future who i've never heard of...they're actually kind of an interesting mix of fairly good rap and average pop punk...hmm....hey, he has a cursive shirt on! sweet! maybe dan knows what i'm talking about...
dammit, more relatively important awards given away this evening in another quick little montage...best soundtrack: thug - agreed 100%...best handheld game: final fantasy tactics - i believe it...best graphics: ninja gaiden - why isn't this category one of the big ones?? is best extreme sports game more important? bah! anyhow, yes, it had the best graphics, no question...best rpg: KOTOR - no surprise there...favorite character: ryu hayabusa from ninja gaiden - he's a badass, but not much of a character...best voice performance, female: jada pinkett smith for enter the matrix - she was nothing special, and there a lot more deserving voice actors out there...
commercial
word, more red vs. blue...alright, and now mekhi "I only play one videogame and have little else to do with them, if anything, and have no business presenting an award at the golden globes nevermind a videogame awards show" phifer is here to present game of the year...the nominees, once more, ratchet and clank: going commando, call of duty, KOTOR, bg&e, prince of persia, viewtiful joe...this is surprisingly tense, although it will go to either KOTOR or PoP, guaranteed....and the winner is....
KOTOR. goddamn it. i mean, fuck, i'm sure it's great, i'm sure it might have been game of the year, but prince of persia really needed this win. it didn't sell nearly as well, and had a much lower profile...they're within a ratings point of one another on gamerankings...argh, oh well....some random footage of the game, set to a music/lights show by BT, some other dude, and....tommy tallarico. damn it. way to go out by giving the biggest douche within three miles of the show stage time....
Oh well, that's it. What did we learn? That random celebrities with spotty careers apparently deserve more screen time and recognition than anyone who had anything to do with actually making a game. That apparently gamers are immature sexist assholes and needs tits in their face every five seconds (not that I mind that much, but it gets ludicrous after a while). That the show organizers don't know what an easter egg is. That Anna Nicole Smith could easily be confused with a lobotomized orangutan. And finally, that if this is what gaming needs to do to appeal to a mainstream audience, I'm not sure I want anything to do with it.
Update: I realize that I can only bitch so much without suggesting some ways to fix the things I'm bitching about. After all, I don't want to become the Michael Moore of the videogame industry (burn!). So, here's how the ideal gaming awards show should go down: First off, you can keep the whole celebrity thing. They're real people too, and some of them are as big gamers as anyone. Robin Wilson, the lead singer of the Gin Blossoms, in an avid gamer and now writes a great monthly column for OPM. So, they're out there. In fact, I wouldn't even mind them as presenters, just make it appropriate - Carmen Electra can stay on the stage, but she should at least be presenting the award for Hottest Game Character. The Rock can present the award for Best Action Game, Ben Kweller can present the award for Best Music, and Stephen Hawking can present the award for Best Puzzle Game. There should be an award for each main gaming genre, one for best undefinable genre game, one for each major aspect of gaming (control, graphics, art design, innovation, online play, etc.), some quirky ones (like the hottest character one I mentioned above), best developer, best publisher, most influential person in the industry, a lifetime achievement award, worst game award, and best exclusive game for each system. I know that's a ton of awards, but you could save the smaller ones for the pre-show, and make the whole show longer in the first place. PC games should have their own award, but shouldn't be considered for anything else outside of game of the year (a good game is a good game, so you can't exclude it from everything). It should be held in a much bigger place, with the main floor space given to one or two people from each nominated game development team. The rest would be filled out with other people from around the industry, including journalists, and if there's room left, a couple gamers. Each award would actually be given to the person representing the game that won it, and each person would have a couple seconds to speak to the crowd and thank whomever needs thanking. They wouldn't run commercials they would just have exclusive footage of new games in-between breaks in the show, which would help pay for it. Hell, they could even make the entire thing pay-per-view if need be. There should be viewer interaction, like a giant Halo 2 tournament you can play in from home during the show, and they announce a winner live at the end. The nominees should be chosen by gamers who vote at stores around the country, and the actual game award votes would come from the same people let into E3 - people in the industry, and whomever else can get in (or vice-versa). In fact, they could even take the votes there and hold it at the end of the final day. Well that's all my ideas for now, maybe I'll be struck with something fabulous later.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Radder than rad
You wanna play one of the best multi-player games ever made? Get R.A.D. Robot Alchemic Drive. I played the demo a year or two ago, loved it, and have yearned for more ever since. I finally picked it up recently, and popped it in last night to try out the 2-player mode. Soooooo much fun. For those unfamiliar with the game, it's basically a giant robot fighting game, seen and controlled from the perspective of your tiny character on the ground. The battles play out somewhat like Godzilla movies, with buildings getting smashed left and right, and people being stepped on (usually your character, accidentally). The coolest thing about the fights is that all the details cater to making it as "realistic" as possible. The characters move with the weight and awkwardness that real giant robots usually display, very mechanically and rigidly.
Controls are amazing, and really make it feel like you're commanding these massive steel beasts. L1 and R1 control your left and right legs respectively, so you need to move them alternately to walk. L2 and R2 makes you take steps back instead of forwards, and holding L1+L2 or R1+R2 makes you turn your body either left or right. You can hold L2+R2 to duck, and press L1+R1 while doing so for a huge robot jump if you're so inclined. Some robots can turn into planes or tanks, but still function similarly. Combat isn't all that dissimilar from Fight Night (the truth comes out about where EA got their control scheme from!), with each analog stick controlling an enormous metal arm. You can throw hooks, jabs and uppercuts easily by swiveling the sticks in specific ways, you can push them towards each other to block, and away from each other to, uh, start the Macarena. Several weapons (usually of the blaster variety) are mapped to the face buttons as well, so as you can see, you have plenty of combat options.
Now for the most beautiful part of this game - the view in which you play from. As I said, you see everything from your character's (regular-sized human) perspective, whether that means standing at your robots foot, standing on his shoulder, or standing on a nearby building (you can fly for short distances, which makes getting to those places easier - you are Japanese, after all). You have to find a balance between getting a clear view of the fight and staying out of danger, and often switch control back and forth from your mech to your human to make sure things stay that way. You'd think that this whole dynamic would be a massive bitch, but I can't imagine playing the game any other way; controlling your robot directly from a normal third-person view would just be boring. The great sense of scale and the intelligence of the controls both stand out a lot because of how you're viewing the action, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I know I started this by saying it was a great multiplayer game and then started talking about the specific game mechanics, but they really do go hand in hand. Multiplayer is basically you and a pal trying to kill each other's robot or human, whatever dies first (I almost forgot, the humans have a projectile attack), in various locales around the world. And let me tell you, there's nothing quite like uppercutting someone's giant robot backwards through the Coliseum in Rome. The single player game has all the same great details, but is constantly interrupted by the most hilariously badly voice-acted/translated cutscenes you've ever heard. I'm only one level in, and it's still a lot of fun, but the multiplayer mode is where it's at. So seek it out, or better yet, come over and play my copy, because you probably won't find one yourself. Oh, here's a video, so you can see if it's anything like you imagined from my description.
Controls are amazing, and really make it feel like you're commanding these massive steel beasts. L1 and R1 control your left and right legs respectively, so you need to move them alternately to walk. L2 and R2 makes you take steps back instead of forwards, and holding L1+L2 or R1+R2 makes you turn your body either left or right. You can hold L2+R2 to duck, and press L1+R1 while doing so for a huge robot jump if you're so inclined. Some robots can turn into planes or tanks, but still function similarly. Combat isn't all that dissimilar from Fight Night (the truth comes out about where EA got their control scheme from!), with each analog stick controlling an enormous metal arm. You can throw hooks, jabs and uppercuts easily by swiveling the sticks in specific ways, you can push them towards each other to block, and away from each other to, uh, start the Macarena. Several weapons (usually of the blaster variety) are mapped to the face buttons as well, so as you can see, you have plenty of combat options.
Now for the most beautiful part of this game - the view in which you play from. As I said, you see everything from your character's (regular-sized human) perspective, whether that means standing at your robots foot, standing on his shoulder, or standing on a nearby building (you can fly for short distances, which makes getting to those places easier - you are Japanese, after all). You have to find a balance between getting a clear view of the fight and staying out of danger, and often switch control back and forth from your mech to your human to make sure things stay that way. You'd think that this whole dynamic would be a massive bitch, but I can't imagine playing the game any other way; controlling your robot directly from a normal third-person view would just be boring. The great sense of scale and the intelligence of the controls both stand out a lot because of how you're viewing the action, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I know I started this by saying it was a great multiplayer game and then started talking about the specific game mechanics, but they really do go hand in hand. Multiplayer is basically you and a pal trying to kill each other's robot or human, whatever dies first (I almost forgot, the humans have a projectile attack), in various locales around the world. And let me tell you, there's nothing quite like uppercutting someone's giant robot backwards through the Coliseum in Rome. The single player game has all the same great details, but is constantly interrupted by the most hilariously badly voice-acted/translated cutscenes you've ever heard. I'm only one level in, and it's still a lot of fun, but the multiplayer mode is where it's at. So seek it out, or better yet, come over and play my copy, because you probably won't find one yourself. Oh, here's a video, so you can see if it's anything like you imagined from my description.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
You don't have to run and hide away
I see our fans have been clamoring for more gaming opinions, so I am happy to oblige by writing a little something about the game I have been playing for the last week: NFL2K5. Yes, this is a sports game, so for those of you averse to hearing about games involving balls, please bear with me.
I have been trying to figure out how to write about this game since I first popped it in my Xbox. The game is fun, no question there. It is absolutely gorgeous, or at least as sexy as 300 pound men can be, and has some of the best sound in any sports game I have ever played. It has a ton of options and different memorabilia to earn (unfortunately, no Monkey Fables, though) and the best online mode of any game I have played.
But, the game plays exactly like previous NFL2Ks. Seeing as this is my favorite NFL franchise you would think this would be a very good thing indeed, and it is… for a while. The problems this game has, though, are the same problems found in the first game of the series released five years ago. So, while I dance with joy when things are running smoothly and the game is living up to its enormous potential, I turn manic depressive on this thing in a heartbeat as its evil soul awakens from sleep.
For instance, this game once again gives receivers the uncanny ability to drop any and every pass thrown their way. In double coverage along the sideline: drop. Coming out of the backfield in the flat: drop. Running a seam up the middle: drop. One handed, diving, tipped passes: all dropped. Wide open in the middle of a zone: dropped. 90% of incomplete passes thrown in this game are the result of blatant drops. This does not happen in real life.
The only other major problem with this game is the worst AI since Defender. Offensive lineman will sometimes completely forget to block a person directly in front of them, resulting in a quarterback sack some 3 tenths of a second into plays. Fullbacks leading the way for Halfbacks will run past an unblocked linebacker to double team a tackle falling down 10 yards away from the play. Wide receivers twice the size of their cornerback counterparts will get thrown to the ground like a crippled retard any time they go against one another.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on route running in this game. You would think if a wide receiver is supposed to run across the middle of the field they will do just that. I wish I had video footage available to show just how ridiculous this simple task gets, but you’ll just have to trust what I tell you. There are many times when a WR will be open in the middle of the field. I will hit the corresponding button to pass to them and then, just as I release the ball, the WR will turn abruptly in the opposite direction. Has this ever happened in real life? Even one time?
The game is still fun, though. Playing online with friends, where you can bitch to them about how retarded the game is, has instantly become the focus of my life. There is nothing quite like coming back from 5 down in the closing seconds to beat some trash talking punk from Ohio.
I just remembered a piece I wrote a few years back. I was desperately trying to get on the staff of a now defunct website and submitted a review for NFL2K1. I loved that game too, but the flaws were so obvious my review centered mostly on the inexcusable negative aspects of the game. I submitted this review in the hopes I would be hired to write full time. The editor in charge happened to love the game in question and, apparently, promptly discarded my work. It took the love of a truly great game: Soul Calibur, almost a year later, to bring out my passion in an appropriate enough way to be hired. I could easily post my NFL2K1 review on this site and all of my complaints will still be relevant. If I can scrounge it up from the depths of hard drive hell I will post it, giving more in depth analysis of the problems in NFL2K5, while showing just how ridiculous Visual Concepts is for not updating their game in almost half a decade.
So, in conclusion, the game is fun, but severely flawed. If they would just let me help them, show them that Charlie Garner is 30 years old and could not possibly overpower a linebacker. Make them understand how it is not fun to watch wide open WRs drop passes on 4th down. If I could just help them clean up this game a little bit we would have video game perfection. As it is, though, we have the perfect appetizer for God’s gift to sports. Best $20 I ever spent.
I have been trying to figure out how to write about this game since I first popped it in my Xbox. The game is fun, no question there. It is absolutely gorgeous, or at least as sexy as 300 pound men can be, and has some of the best sound in any sports game I have ever played. It has a ton of options and different memorabilia to earn (unfortunately, no Monkey Fables, though) and the best online mode of any game I have played.
But, the game plays exactly like previous NFL2Ks. Seeing as this is my favorite NFL franchise you would think this would be a very good thing indeed, and it is… for a while. The problems this game has, though, are the same problems found in the first game of the series released five years ago. So, while I dance with joy when things are running smoothly and the game is living up to its enormous potential, I turn manic depressive on this thing in a heartbeat as its evil soul awakens from sleep.
For instance, this game once again gives receivers the uncanny ability to drop any and every pass thrown their way. In double coverage along the sideline: drop. Coming out of the backfield in the flat: drop. Running a seam up the middle: drop. One handed, diving, tipped passes: all dropped. Wide open in the middle of a zone: dropped. 90% of incomplete passes thrown in this game are the result of blatant drops. This does not happen in real life.
The only other major problem with this game is the worst AI since Defender. Offensive lineman will sometimes completely forget to block a person directly in front of them, resulting in a quarterback sack some 3 tenths of a second into plays. Fullbacks leading the way for Halfbacks will run past an unblocked linebacker to double team a tackle falling down 10 yards away from the play. Wide receivers twice the size of their cornerback counterparts will get thrown to the ground like a crippled retard any time they go against one another.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on route running in this game. You would think if a wide receiver is supposed to run across the middle of the field they will do just that. I wish I had video footage available to show just how ridiculous this simple task gets, but you’ll just have to trust what I tell you. There are many times when a WR will be open in the middle of the field. I will hit the corresponding button to pass to them and then, just as I release the ball, the WR will turn abruptly in the opposite direction. Has this ever happened in real life? Even one time?
The game is still fun, though. Playing online with friends, where you can bitch to them about how retarded the game is, has instantly become the focus of my life. There is nothing quite like coming back from 5 down in the closing seconds to beat some trash talking punk from Ohio.
I just remembered a piece I wrote a few years back. I was desperately trying to get on the staff of a now defunct website and submitted a review for NFL2K1. I loved that game too, but the flaws were so obvious my review centered mostly on the inexcusable negative aspects of the game. I submitted this review in the hopes I would be hired to write full time. The editor in charge happened to love the game in question and, apparently, promptly discarded my work. It took the love of a truly great game: Soul Calibur, almost a year later, to bring out my passion in an appropriate enough way to be hired. I could easily post my NFL2K1 review on this site and all of my complaints will still be relevant. If I can scrounge it up from the depths of hard drive hell I will post it, giving more in depth analysis of the problems in NFL2K5, while showing just how ridiculous Visual Concepts is for not updating their game in almost half a decade.
So, in conclusion, the game is fun, but severely flawed. If they would just let me help them, show them that Charlie Garner is 30 years old and could not possibly overpower a linebacker. Make them understand how it is not fun to watch wide open WRs drop passes on 4th down. If I could just help them clean up this game a little bit we would have video game perfection. As it is, though, we have the perfect appetizer for God’s gift to sports. Best $20 I ever spent.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Take advantage
I usually save mentioning good deals for links to CAG, but everyone who reads this site should know about this one: At any EB Games that carries them, you can get a free Dreamcast or N64 just by picking up three games for $4.99 or above for whichever system you want. Pretty sweet.
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