Friday, April 22, 2005
What have they done to my Prince?
I am at the point where I just wish Electronics Arts would buy Ubi Soft, in full, and put them out of their misery. I can't believe that just two years ago they were an up-and-coming developer who couldn't do anything wrong. Now they are content merely churning out cash-in sequels to their money franchises while trying desperately to destroy Prince of Persia for the fans out there who have actually enjoyed the franchise for the past decade.
Check out the list of games Ubi Soft is going to show at E3 this year.
"And 1 Streetball [PlayStation 2]
Far Cry Instincts [Xbox]
Heroes of Might & Magic V [PC]
187 Ride or Die [PlayStation 2, Xbox]
Peter Jackson's King Kong [PlayStation 2, Xbox, next-generation console]
Prince of Persia 3 [PlayStation 2, Xbox]
Blazing Angels: Squadrons of WWII (working title) [Xbox]
Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon 3 (working title) [next-generation console]
Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Lockdown [PlayStation 2, Xbox]
America's Army: Rise of a Soldier [PlayStation 2, Xbox]
Two additional Ubisoft titles will be shown behind closed doors:
Brothers in Arms Road to Hill 30: New Chapter (working title) [PC, Xbox]
Myst V: End of Ages [PC]"
I know you can figure out what types of games these are by the titles, but I'm going to give my take on them anyway. This is probably the most disappointing display of games a major developer has ever had to show at E3. We'll start things up with And 1 Streetball. I know I love competition and all that, but is there really a need for another hip hip style arcade basketball title? I'm pretty sure the potential for the genre was reached with the second NBA Jam. I guess Ubi Soft has tapped their creative potential in just two short years. This is clearly developmental resources that could have gone towards a worthwhile product but it's so much easier to make an uninspired basketball title and hope mindless casual gamers will buy it when NBA Street Volume 4 is sold out.
Far Cry Instinct has no reason to exist. The PC title, which is actually pretty darn fun, came out more than a year ago. It wasn't really the most innovated game but it did look gorgeous. Plus, you got to play on an island instead of the depths of hell, which is a welcome change of pace. I just have no idea why Ubi Soft thinks this would be a worthwhile release now. The first Far Cry came out before the world had ever played Halo 2 or Half-Life 2. It was a really good game because there simply wasn't any competition at the time. No one is going to buy a port of an old PC title when it's not nearly as good as Halo 2. Good luck trying to find a market for this one, Ubi. You probably would have been better off making a new title of some sort.
I have no idea why a new Heroes of Might and Magic is coming out. Do people still play hack 'n slash D&D style games? I can't imagine someone is looking over this list of games, seeing a fifth HMM title, and screaming with joy. If you're not interested because this game is a new chapter in a thankfully dead genre, let me quote the Ubi Soft press release so you can know why you should be excited. Let me just scrounge it up for you... Heroes of Might and Magic takes place in a "more mature fantasy universe." I think we all know what that means: metal thong!
187 Ride or Die just makes me sick. As far as I can tell, this is a street racing game "borrowing" many of the bawdy elements that makes Grand Theft Auto so popular. No surprise that Ubi Soft is stealing an idea another company made popular and trying to sell their own game based on it. Well done, Ubi Soft. I'm sure everyone appreciates the steps you're taking to push this industry ever farther. I can't imagine how bleak my future would be if a badass street racing game wasn't coming out.
Prince of Persia 3, as the scan I posted indicates, will be the worst game ever made. Doesn't it seem so long ago that Sands of Time came out? If you're wondering, it was less than two years ago, in late 2003, when what will forever be known as "The last good Prince of Persia title" was released. They are trying so hard to appeal to the casual gamer they forgot what makes the game so fun to begin with. Why is the game so dark now? Why are there stealth elements? The first game was great because it had top notch platforming and tons of whimsy. They have literally killed everything I loved about the franchise in the lifespan of a kitten.
Blazing Angels is a bloody World War II game. Hey, I have an idea: let's take the bleakest moment in the history of human kind and make a video game about it. That will be fun, right? People love remembering the horrible depths the human mind can turn down, right? And there aren't plenty of other WWII games either. This is an untapped market!
There are two new Tom Clancy games coming out. Do people still buy these? Is there any difference between Tom Clancy Espionage Game X and 2X? I can't imagine they offer anything as substantial as a roster update, a reason many people buy Madden every year, and yet people are outraged over the $50 price point for one and are willing to sink $50 into the other? Hypocrisy anyone?
I don't actually know anything about America's Army other than it being another freaking war game. I guess people love war, right?
There is also another Brothers in Arms and another Myst coming out, but Ubi Soft wants to keep their been-there-done-that gameplay under wraps so only the privileged media can see them. Is this a joke? Didn't Brothers in Arms just come out this year? And is there really a need for a fifth Myst title? Is there really a person out there who has played through all 4 previous games? Wouldn't they be completely insane at this point anyway?
The one game I'm actually looking forward to, however slightly, is King Kong. I know that it is a licensed game and therefore has a 95% chance of being completely unplayable. But it is being headed up by the man responsible for Beyond Good and Evil. I can't imagine he will be allowed to make a great title, but if he can somehow avoid the crushing stink of suck emanating from that office, this should be a title worth playing. I'll cross my fingers but keep my expectations low.
Also, if you'll peruse that list carefully you'll see not one title is being show for a Nintendo console. Obviously, the Gamecube has fallen into a very bad place in the industry right now, but there is simply no reason they can't port PS2 titles to the GC. IGN has reported that some of the aforementioned titles will eventually make an appearance on the GC, but Ubi just has no interest in wasting space at their booth demonstrating such a product.
I hope, more than anything, that Ubi Soft never touches the Beyond Good and Evil franchise again. They clearly have no idea how to make a game that doesn't involve lots of violence. They clearly don't understand there are gamers out there who actually enjoy a thoughtful gaming experience and would love to solve problems in a way that doesn't involve a gun. Ubi Soft has become a one trick pony, churning out war sims and espionage snore fests. They are far too large to make such a limited spread of games. I honestly don't care if Ubi Soft dies as this point, but here is just word of advice if they want to stay relevant - diversify.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
How does AP Style deal with hype?
Today's Top Headline at Gamestop: Capcom teases gamers with countdown clock.
Go ahead, click on the link. You know you want to. You know you're just itching to find out about this clock. What is it counting down to? When does the countdown end? Is this the apocalypse or just another shitty video game that everyone will forget about in a week anyway?
You'll have to forgive me if I sound upset about this whole Capcom Clock business. I know it could be considered unprofessional when I center an entire column on the competition - namely every other video game journalist out there. But today's atrocity is just the latest in a history of reporters blatantly running with the hype companies feed them. Just hours after I sent in my most recent column to The Buzz, an article centered around the gross overuse of hype in this industry and the lack of any effort in trying to curb it by lazy journalists, I see this headline at Gamespot. I think Mrs. White said it best "It, it, the, it, flames, flames, flames . . . on the side of my face. Breathing, breathless, heaving breaths, heaving . . ."
Here is my main problem with this - Gamespot is not merely excited about a certain game. It would be understandable if one of their writers saw footage of a brand new game and though it looked fantastic. I would not be angry if he wrote about why he thought Killer 7 was going to be great fun and could potentially change gaming. He's a gamer and a writer and I expect nothing less than some times blind passion towards games. Passion, I can understand. Being a peddler of company hype I can neither understand nor condone.
This announcement comes on the heels of hype gone overboard stories from last week. First, Microsoft announced the grand unveiling of the Xbox 2 for sometime in May. Obviously, this is important information since it has simply never been done before. But instead of merely reprinting a press release, wouldn't it have been more interesting if a video game journalist was able to investigate and reveal exactly what MS was going to show at this presentation? Isn't that the type of thing a journalist is supposed to do? Follow leads and whatnot? And then EA announced they were going to show a commercial for Madden 360 this Saturday. Websites read the press release and merely regurgitate the information. And everyone accepted this. Shouldn't we have expected someone to try to use their contacts within EA or ESPN to get some early footage of the commercial? Would it be too much to ask a journalist to actually put some work into their stories?
Wouldn't it be nice if journalists did their job instead of merely printing whatever press releases told them to?
Go ahead, click on the link. You know you want to. You know you're just itching to find out about this clock. What is it counting down to? When does the countdown end? Is this the apocalypse or just another shitty video game that everyone will forget about in a week anyway?
You'll have to forgive me if I sound upset about this whole Capcom Clock business. I know it could be considered unprofessional when I center an entire column on the competition - namely every other video game journalist out there. But today's atrocity is just the latest in a history of reporters blatantly running with the hype companies feed them. Just hours after I sent in my most recent column to The Buzz, an article centered around the gross overuse of hype in this industry and the lack of any effort in trying to curb it by lazy journalists, I see this headline at Gamespot. I think Mrs. White said it best "It, it, the, it, flames, flames, flames . . . on the side of my face. Breathing, breathless, heaving breaths, heaving . . ."
Here is my main problem with this - Gamespot is not merely excited about a certain game. It would be understandable if one of their writers saw footage of a brand new game and though it looked fantastic. I would not be angry if he wrote about why he thought Killer 7 was going to be great fun and could potentially change gaming. He's a gamer and a writer and I expect nothing less than some times blind passion towards games. Passion, I can understand. Being a peddler of company hype I can neither understand nor condone.
This announcement comes on the heels of hype gone overboard stories from last week. First, Microsoft announced the grand unveiling of the Xbox 2 for sometime in May. Obviously, this is important information since it has simply never been done before. But instead of merely reprinting a press release, wouldn't it have been more interesting if a video game journalist was able to investigate and reveal exactly what MS was going to show at this presentation? Isn't that the type of thing a journalist is supposed to do? Follow leads and whatnot? And then EA announced they were going to show a commercial for Madden 360 this Saturday. Websites read the press release and merely regurgitate the information. And everyone accepted this. Shouldn't we have expected someone to try to use their contacts within EA or ESPN to get some early footage of the commercial? Would it be too much to ask a journalist to actually put some work into their stories?
Wouldn't it be nice if journalists did their job instead of merely printing whatever press releases told them to?
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
A bit of this, a bit of crap
Yesterday was a big day for all us nightly worshippers of the Church of Halo. The first big auto-update has been released, fixing glitches, stopping cheating, and balancing the weapons a bit. I guess it did take them almost six months to do, but considering how many people play the game and how thoroughly they have to test every change, it's actually understandable. I especially commend Bungie for all the weapon balancing changes; it's something they just felt needed to be done, and took the time and resources to do it. It's similar to Ninja Gaiden's Hurricane Packs in that way - it's just fan service to improve an already great game, nothing that they had to do. It will be great playing with no cheating now, at least for a while, as that was by far the biggest problem with the game. Now all we need are new maps and a resetting of the ranks (all happening by the end of the month), and it will be a brand new game again (and the best online game by an even wider margin). Anyhow, I try not to talk about Halo too much here, as it's probably pretty boring for everyone who doesn't play.
After reading some rave reviews from the big sites, and even some positive ones by people whose opinions I respect, I expected Lego Star Wars to rock my world. Well, at least rattle it a little - I love quirky games, and as awful a prospect as licensed Lego toys are (the idea is to build your OWN people, places and things), the idea of a game based on it seemed just crazy enough to work. But man oh man, it's easily one of the worst games I've ever played. And I played it co-op, which seemed to amplify the problems even more.
Let's start with the good parts of the game - the cutscenes are kind of cute, the first time you see them. When watching them over and over between attempts at an unplayably awful pod racing sequence (shit controls, terrible camera and collision detection issues abound), not so much. And that's about it for the good stuff. Everything else in the game, walking, fighting, jumping, collecting, changing characters, etc. feels unimaginably sloppy and uncared for. First of all, the games' currency, little gold and silver 'studs', resides inside every possible goddamn object in the game. So if you want to get enough of them to unlock anything worthwhile, you'd better destroy or move every single item in every single room before you move on. Oh, and they don't pull towards you at all like Ratchet & Clank - you have to walk over every single one to collect it, and they disappear several seconds after appearing. So that's one completely pointless game mechanic.
The next huge problem comes in the changing of characters. Admittedly, there are some borderline clever puzzles to overcome (how can we get all five members of our party on top of that ledge when only two of the can use force powers and only one can fly?), but most of it is much less exciting than that. Having to switch to Jar Jar to make a certain jump or R2D2 to open a door is just tedious. As is having to smash every potted plant in a given area to find a certain spot you can grapple from, which seems to happen every other room. Limitations of otherwise decent ideas abound too; you can move large objects with just the power of the force, but only back and forth between two locations, very rarely wherever you want.
They just manage to lame everything up, no matter how cool it was to begin with. The Darth Maul fight from Episode I is stretched out to an entire level, most of which you're not even fighting him. If I wanted to deflect blaster shots and jump on hovering platforms, I would not have challenged the most badass Star Wars character since Boba Fett. Man, everything about the game just stinks. It might be passable as a ten dollar title, but I think I'd rather just play Deer Hunter if it came to that.
Thankfully, there was still some fun co-op gaming to be had that night, thanks to Obscure. If you haven't heard of it, go ahead and chuckle at the title like a moron - you know you want to. It's a fairly fun little co-op survival horror game set in a high school run amok with monsters and the like. And you get to play as all sorts of stereotypes, including ghetto white guy, jock guy who dies pretty quickly, and two hot girls. That's right, you can both play as girls if you want (Tom would have a field day here). The dialogue and story are fairly laughable, but it's endearing in that 90210 way. You can carry around a gun, and even tape a flashlight to it (take THAT Doom 3!), but baseball bat is where it's at. And steel pipe, for smashing every vending machine, window, and mirror in sight. The monsters are a bit Silent Hilly, but the gameplay is thankfully a bit less tense. Oh, and you're always playing as two characters, like it or not, whether a human controls the other or not (you can hop in and out though, which is nice). I definitely had a lot of fun running around in my mini-skirt, smashing things and solving minimal puzzles, and I might even go through the game with it's owner. I'm sure most people will never give a crap about this game, but I'd recommend it over Lego Star Wars every goddamn day of the week.
After reading some rave reviews from the big sites, and even some positive ones by people whose opinions I respect, I expected Lego Star Wars to rock my world. Well, at least rattle it a little - I love quirky games, and as awful a prospect as licensed Lego toys are (the idea is to build your OWN people, places and things), the idea of a game based on it seemed just crazy enough to work. But man oh man, it's easily one of the worst games I've ever played. And I played it co-op, which seemed to amplify the problems even more.
Let's start with the good parts of the game - the cutscenes are kind of cute, the first time you see them. When watching them over and over between attempts at an unplayably awful pod racing sequence (shit controls, terrible camera and collision detection issues abound), not so much. And that's about it for the good stuff. Everything else in the game, walking, fighting, jumping, collecting, changing characters, etc. feels unimaginably sloppy and uncared for. First of all, the games' currency, little gold and silver 'studs', resides inside every possible goddamn object in the game. So if you want to get enough of them to unlock anything worthwhile, you'd better destroy or move every single item in every single room before you move on. Oh, and they don't pull towards you at all like Ratchet & Clank - you have to walk over every single one to collect it, and they disappear several seconds after appearing. So that's one completely pointless game mechanic.
The next huge problem comes in the changing of characters. Admittedly, there are some borderline clever puzzles to overcome (how can we get all five members of our party on top of that ledge when only two of the can use force powers and only one can fly?), but most of it is much less exciting than that. Having to switch to Jar Jar to make a certain jump or R2D2 to open a door is just tedious. As is having to smash every potted plant in a given area to find a certain spot you can grapple from, which seems to happen every other room. Limitations of otherwise decent ideas abound too; you can move large objects with just the power of the force, but only back and forth between two locations, very rarely wherever you want.
They just manage to lame everything up, no matter how cool it was to begin with. The Darth Maul fight from Episode I is stretched out to an entire level, most of which you're not even fighting him. If I wanted to deflect blaster shots and jump on hovering platforms, I would not have challenged the most badass Star Wars character since Boba Fett. Man, everything about the game just stinks. It might be passable as a ten dollar title, but I think I'd rather just play Deer Hunter if it came to that.
Thankfully, there was still some fun co-op gaming to be had that night, thanks to Obscure. If you haven't heard of it, go ahead and chuckle at the title like a moron - you know you want to. It's a fairly fun little co-op survival horror game set in a high school run amok with monsters and the like. And you get to play as all sorts of stereotypes, including ghetto white guy, jock guy who dies pretty quickly, and two hot girls. That's right, you can both play as girls if you want (Tom would have a field day here). The dialogue and story are fairly laughable, but it's endearing in that 90210 way. You can carry around a gun, and even tape a flashlight to it (take THAT Doom 3!), but baseball bat is where it's at. And steel pipe, for smashing every vending machine, window, and mirror in sight. The monsters are a bit Silent Hilly, but the gameplay is thankfully a bit less tense. Oh, and you're always playing as two characters, like it or not, whether a human controls the other or not (you can hop in and out though, which is nice). I definitely had a lot of fun running around in my mini-skirt, smashing things and solving minimal puzzles, and I might even go through the game with it's owner. I'm sure most people will never give a crap about this game, but I'd recommend it over Lego Star Wars every goddamn day of the week.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
It's all good... except Godzilla
If it's before 9am on a Sunday and I am not only fully awake, with a bowl of half-eaten cereal sitting mushily in front of me, but have been awake for such a long time that I have grown tired enough with every other venture to actually update my precious website, you know things are either going really well or really poorly. I'll let you decipher my mood for yourself, but I'm pretty sure you can guess based solely on this fact: the discovery of Samurai Zombie Nation on the NES doesn't even crack the top five in awesome events that have happened to me in the last 48 hours. Though you know things are going your way when you are challenged to a Lord of the Rings themed game of Trivial Pursuit by a master in that field and still come out on top.
First things first: I am still playing Knights of the Old Republic 2. For those keeping track, I first fired up the Jedi RPG around March 10. That is quite a lot of time to be playing one game almost exclusively (at least during my one player gaming sessions), but considering that Dawn of Souls hasn't left my GBA:SP since December I think you can cut me some slack. I am finally on the last world (I think... I can't imagine where the story could possibly go from here) so expect a full, in-depth review at some point in the near future. I do have one thing I want to talk about though, and this is very important to me so please stay focused - the inclusion of lame characters in RPGs. Everyone who has played an RPG understands the pain I feel. Sure, you would expect a few horrible characters in the massive selection available in Chrono Cross or Suikoden, but, for some reason, no matter how small your party is, developers always have to throw in one or two completely useless and/or ultra annoying characters. As good as the KotOR series has been it is probably the biggest culprit of this heinous crime.
Because of the eclectic nature of the Star Wars universe, there is a certain push towards creating a cast of outlandish characters. If George Lucas couldn't make a simple group consisting entirely of humans, you can't expect the vastly more talented video game developers to rest of their laurels and only offer humans. So mixed in with creatures who are both pleasing to the eye and can speak English (i.e. humans) are your usual mix of intergalactic heroes. You have your droids and your bots (yes these are different things) with some gross looking aliens and even a damn Wookie or two. Variety is the spice of life, I'll give you that, but who is really going to choose a floating sphere over a Jedi? Anyone?
The two RPGs are saved because, for most of the journey, you are able to select your own party. After only having one other Jedi in my party for much of the original KotOR, I like not only having two fully functional Jedi doing the bidding of their all powerful Sith Lord (me) at all times, but actually having another Jedi waiting in the wings if I want some variety (which I don't). However, as good as this system works for most of the game, there is a horrible one-hour stretch where you are not only unable to choose who accompanies you on your quest for vengeance, but the very character you are controlling is predetermined. This wouldn't be a problem if they stuck me with Atton, a bad ass Jedi who is actually more evil than even I am at this point (which is a serious point of contention between us) or even if I just got to play as Keria, the all-knowing but never-revealing haggard old lady Jedi. As this is a role playing game, I thoroughly enjoy playing the role of an evil Sith Lord. By forcing me to step into the body of a completely different character it kind of ruins the whole mystique of the role playing experience. Granted, I would still complain if one of the two aforementioned scenarios presented itself; but I wouldn't be quite annoyed enough to center a whole post around it.
Do you want to know what characters I had to control? A Wookie and a droid. And not even the team-up of two of the worst RPG characters around. These were solo missions. The worst part was there wasn't even a Wookie in my party before that. I was all set to celebrate that I had gone through an entire Star Wars adventure without being burdened with a vocally challenged space sloth before they forced one into my party. Even worse, the Wookie in this game is completely useless unless you use his focus move. It makes you stronger of both arm and flesh, so you can dispatch enemies with ease while taking little damage of you own. Just to annoy the player (namely me), Obsidian decided to make the screen turn a nauseating shade of red when you are in focus mode. Why would they force you to perform a certain technique and then make your screen turn red in the process? Who could have possibly thought this was a good idea?
The droid mission was thankfully much shorter than the immediately preceding Wookie one and that is its only saving grace. Like the Wookie, the droid (you'll notice I keep calling them by their class type. You know you're dealing with lame characters when you have no clue what their name is) can't actually talk, but that didn't stop Obsidian from sticking in dialog boxes. I'm not joking here either. You were forced to walk to a bot, listen to them whine like all the bots in the Star Wars universe are wont to do, and then select "Eek orp op ah ah" from the dialog selection box, which would prompt further wining. Let me recap - I was forced into a conversation where I neither had a choice of what to say nor an idea of what I was responding with. Fun? No.
Somehow, this mini rant about the lame character selection in KotOR has stretched to over 900 words. For that, I apologize. I will talk only of the immortal Samurai Zombie Nation and then, like Doug (State reference!), I am outta here.
Friday night, after Nick forced us to play Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee followed by Will bringing back the thankfully dead Turok series with a rousing game of Turok 2, we finally settled down into watching Nick explore the variety of weirdness located on my Nester Illegal NES Roms Disc for the Dreamcast. Andy and I played through the entire disc when we first made it, documented various Worst Games Ever along the way and making sure every game was in working order. Obviously, we did a very bad job at this. That Dudes With Attitudes beat out Where's Waldo as the Worst Game Ever is an upset of Russian proportions. Not to mention that Bible Buffet still doesn't work. Anyway, we might not have even played every game because Nick happened upon a particularly juicy title located at the very end of my selection of stolen titles.
Samurai Zombie Nation
Believe me, the laughs started flowing before Nick could even fire up the game. What could it possible be? More importantly, was there anyway to mess this up? It would be like someone making a first person shooter with dinosaurs and it somehow turning into an unplayable nightmare. It just doesn't happen, right? Finally, after multiple seconds of load time, we were treated with the game that has now bumped Blast Corps from the top spot of my Most in Need of a Sequel list. This is a 2D, side scrolling shooter where, instead of controlling a space ship, you control the disembodied head of a Zombie Samurai. You weapon of choice: fireballs which flow gracefully from your open mouth. I don't think I have laughed this hard about a title in quite some time. Watching this floating head terrorize a city - destroying buildings and tanks with a smile on his face - was one of the best moments in the history of gaming. You can be sure if Meldac of America has a presence at E3 I will demand a sequel.
A little post script to my post: Please read the website I linked to about Samurai Zombie Nation. It is fantastic. Who knew this game had such a huge following?
First things first: I am still playing Knights of the Old Republic 2. For those keeping track, I first fired up the Jedi RPG around March 10. That is quite a lot of time to be playing one game almost exclusively (at least during my one player gaming sessions), but considering that Dawn of Souls hasn't left my GBA:SP since December I think you can cut me some slack. I am finally on the last world (I think... I can't imagine where the story could possibly go from here) so expect a full, in-depth review at some point in the near future. I do have one thing I want to talk about though, and this is very important to me so please stay focused - the inclusion of lame characters in RPGs. Everyone who has played an RPG understands the pain I feel. Sure, you would expect a few horrible characters in the massive selection available in Chrono Cross or Suikoden, but, for some reason, no matter how small your party is, developers always have to throw in one or two completely useless and/or ultra annoying characters. As good as the KotOR series has been it is probably the biggest culprit of this heinous crime.
Because of the eclectic nature of the Star Wars universe, there is a certain push towards creating a cast of outlandish characters. If George Lucas couldn't make a simple group consisting entirely of humans, you can't expect the vastly more talented video game developers to rest of their laurels and only offer humans. So mixed in with creatures who are both pleasing to the eye and can speak English (i.e. humans) are your usual mix of intergalactic heroes. You have your droids and your bots (yes these are different things) with some gross looking aliens and even a damn Wookie or two. Variety is the spice of life, I'll give you that, but who is really going to choose a floating sphere over a Jedi? Anyone?
The two RPGs are saved because, for most of the journey, you are able to select your own party. After only having one other Jedi in my party for much of the original KotOR, I like not only having two fully functional Jedi doing the bidding of their all powerful Sith Lord (me) at all times, but actually having another Jedi waiting in the wings if I want some variety (which I don't). However, as good as this system works for most of the game, there is a horrible one-hour stretch where you are not only unable to choose who accompanies you on your quest for vengeance, but the very character you are controlling is predetermined. This wouldn't be a problem if they stuck me with Atton, a bad ass Jedi who is actually more evil than even I am at this point (which is a serious point of contention between us) or even if I just got to play as Keria, the all-knowing but never-revealing haggard old lady Jedi. As this is a role playing game, I thoroughly enjoy playing the role of an evil Sith Lord. By forcing me to step into the body of a completely different character it kind of ruins the whole mystique of the role playing experience. Granted, I would still complain if one of the two aforementioned scenarios presented itself; but I wouldn't be quite annoyed enough to center a whole post around it.
Do you want to know what characters I had to control? A Wookie and a droid. And not even the team-up of two of the worst RPG characters around. These were solo missions. The worst part was there wasn't even a Wookie in my party before that. I was all set to celebrate that I had gone through an entire Star Wars adventure without being burdened with a vocally challenged space sloth before they forced one into my party. Even worse, the Wookie in this game is completely useless unless you use his focus move. It makes you stronger of both arm and flesh, so you can dispatch enemies with ease while taking little damage of you own. Just to annoy the player (namely me), Obsidian decided to make the screen turn a nauseating shade of red when you are in focus mode. Why would they force you to perform a certain technique and then make your screen turn red in the process? Who could have possibly thought this was a good idea?
The droid mission was thankfully much shorter than the immediately preceding Wookie one and that is its only saving grace. Like the Wookie, the droid (you'll notice I keep calling them by their class type. You know you're dealing with lame characters when you have no clue what their name is) can't actually talk, but that didn't stop Obsidian from sticking in dialog boxes. I'm not joking here either. You were forced to walk to a bot, listen to them whine like all the bots in the Star Wars universe are wont to do, and then select "Eek orp op ah ah" from the dialog selection box, which would prompt further wining. Let me recap - I was forced into a conversation where I neither had a choice of what to say nor an idea of what I was responding with. Fun? No.
Somehow, this mini rant about the lame character selection in KotOR has stretched to over 900 words. For that, I apologize. I will talk only of the immortal Samurai Zombie Nation and then, like Doug (State reference!), I am outta here.
Friday night, after Nick forced us to play Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee followed by Will bringing back the thankfully dead Turok series with a rousing game of Turok 2, we finally settled down into watching Nick explore the variety of weirdness located on my Nester Illegal NES Roms Disc for the Dreamcast. Andy and I played through the entire disc when we first made it, documented various Worst Games Ever along the way and making sure every game was in working order. Obviously, we did a very bad job at this. That Dudes With Attitudes beat out Where's Waldo as the Worst Game Ever is an upset of Russian proportions. Not to mention that Bible Buffet still doesn't work. Anyway, we might not have even played every game because Nick happened upon a particularly juicy title located at the very end of my selection of stolen titles.
Samurai Zombie Nation
Believe me, the laughs started flowing before Nick could even fire up the game. What could it possible be? More importantly, was there anyway to mess this up? It would be like someone making a first person shooter with dinosaurs and it somehow turning into an unplayable nightmare. It just doesn't happen, right? Finally, after multiple seconds of load time, we were treated with the game that has now bumped Blast Corps from the top spot of my Most in Need of a Sequel list. This is a 2D, side scrolling shooter where, instead of controlling a space ship, you control the disembodied head of a Zombie Samurai. You weapon of choice: fireballs which flow gracefully from your open mouth. I don't think I have laughed this hard about a title in quite some time. Watching this floating head terrorize a city - destroying buildings and tanks with a smile on his face - was one of the best moments in the history of gaming. You can be sure if Meldac of America has a presence at E3 I will demand a sequel.
A little post script to my post: Please read the website I linked to about Samurai Zombie Nation. It is fantastic. Who knew this game had such a huge following?
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