Friday, March 30, 2007
G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 3, Episode 4
Get ready for a very special episode, as Arne Meyer from the Xbox and Microsoft Game Studios team joins us to talk Jetpac, EDF2017, Shadowrun, Boom Boom Rocket, the GTA IV trailer and much more. Also, simply leave a comment about the show on this post and you'll be automatically entered to win one of 3 Shadowrun Beta codes courtesy of Microsoft! (And yes, I realize my voice is too loud, still working out those technical problems. Ugh.)
Download link.
(Or better yet, use the iTunes subscription link near the top of the page and review us!)
Download link.
(Or better yet, use the iTunes subscription link near the top of the page and review us!)
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Sonic and the Secret Rings
Decrying the woeful ineptitude that is Sonic and the Secret Rings would qualify as a humanitarian act on the same level as performing a group Heimlich maneuver on a crowd of choking nuns. While my good deed will save the innocent from having to touch this pitiful dreck, it may also incite the wrath of the small percentage of gamers who not only played this digital punishment, but somehow turned a smiling heart towards its gaping hole of suck. If I am already going to offend the tiny legion of people who do not understand why Sonic Wii should be used as a non-lethal electric chair in those states who do not condone the death penalty, I might as well throw my thorny arms around the childhood memories of every gamer with grew up during the bloody 16-bit wars. Not only is Sonic and the Secret Rings the gaming equivalent of purgatory, the entire Sonic franchise was only relevant in the first place because console pundits wanted to champion their own mascot rather than embrace the far superior Mario franchise. Sonic has always been an overrated pile of binary feces. Sonic's perfect transition to 3D with Sonic Wii accurately illustrates my point that Sonic may be fun in theory, but should be avoided like a rusty tumor in the land of reality.
To quote a super hero loving friend of mine, "You can't make a Flash movie because all he does is run fast." I agree completely. And you know what? Unless your game involves racing, you can't build a solid video game around that premise either. Just like the original Genesis stillbirths, Sonic Wii is only enjoyable when the controls are wrestled from the player's hands. Watching the computer control a running Sonic through loops and over canyons is entertaining. Actually controlling this foul beast yourself is anything but.
Nintendo spent the last decade developing the technology in their media darling little console. They tested gyroscopic motions in various handheld experiments. They worked behind the scenes for years making sure this technology was good enough for home use. Their virtual reality game machine was a failure because, though it offered rudimentary holographic technology, it was not actually fun. A few more years left in the laboratory would have yielded far better results. With the Wii, Nintendo took their time. They made sure the technology was perfect before they let unclean hands try it out. The controller needed to be able to point, shake and know its own relation in 3D space within a blink of a hummingbird's eye. After perfecting this technology, and encasing it in a controller that would be inviting and accessible for everyone with limbs, they finally let gamers try it out for themselves.
Players have had no problems with the device. It is untalented developers who cannot quite grasp how to use it.
Sonic Wii controls like crap. An idle controller will spurn Sonic mindlessly forward like a mannequin riding a Segway. Problems do not arise until you actually pick up the controller. In theory, Sonic moves left and right by tilting the controller in the appropriate direction. Imagine a slowed down, less precise emulation of Excite Truck with a far less likable on screen avatar. The 2 button is used to jump. Now, if you assume jumping will work like every other platformer in the history of gaming, you would be wrong. Remember, this is Sonic. He can make the most basic concept scream with frustration. If you tap 2 you will do a short hop which serves no purpose. If you hold down 2 you will slow down in your tracks and charge up for a worthwhile jump. You may wonder how I can find fault with such a concept. Remember, this is a speed heavy platformer. To slow down at any point in these retched Sonic games is to sever the already fragile line to fun. As soon as you start to move through the levels with some grace you are forced to slow down to jump over enemies and across ravines.
Still don't understand why this is so bad? The closest Wii title to Sonic is Excite Truck. This is a racing game about speed. You fly over hills and into other cars just as Sonic jumps over pits and into enemies. In Excite Truck, you hold the controller back to jump. This is a smooth motion that ensures gameplay is not interrupted for even a second. In Sonic, you have to actually stop to make accurate jumps. The game is far too shallow to be an adequate platformer yet too slow and stunted to be a good racing game.
The worst part of this adventure is the forced motions you need to make. To attack enemies you have to actually thrust your controller towards the screen. Fun if you are a person who also finds joy in pushing an invisible cougar around, but oh so tedious when used with the unyielding repetition this game demands. Furthermore, the motion is so imprecise that, if you do not actually hit the enemy as planned, you do not know whether to blame the shoddy programming or the well built technology. Playing Sonic made me doubt the future of the Wii. It uses the revolutionary controller so poorly that I seriously feared that my favorite video game company (Nintendo) had doomed me to a future of imprecise tech demos.
It isn't until later in the game that you find out the developers thought it would be fun to make a platformer with horrendous controls. This is a platform game, even though it is shallow and not fun. And yet, you have to earn rudimentary moves that should be included from the beginning. Sure, adding a bit of fire to your standard attack is a perfectly acceptable practice. I love earning new moves in games. But Sonic goes further than just offering more powerful versions of existing moves. For instance, you can earn a magic orb that lets you jump more precisely. What? You mean I suffered through that string of horrible jumps for nothing? You can also unlock the ability to move more gracefully lateral. Can you imagine a Mario game in which your controls were intentionally crippled at the beginning? Where simply being able to move in a fun and satisfying manner was something you needed to earn? Even when Sonic enables these enhancements, the game is still sluggish and boring.
Sonic is the most overrated gaming franchise in the history of gaming. The 2D games are shallow and the 3D adventures are unplayable. I would rather alternate between marathon sessions of Lost Planet and Hotel Dusk than touch this cockroach fart again.
To quote a super hero loving friend of mine, "You can't make a Flash movie because all he does is run fast." I agree completely. And you know what? Unless your game involves racing, you can't build a solid video game around that premise either. Just like the original Genesis stillbirths, Sonic Wii is only enjoyable when the controls are wrestled from the player's hands. Watching the computer control a running Sonic through loops and over canyons is entertaining. Actually controlling this foul beast yourself is anything but.
Nintendo spent the last decade developing the technology in their media darling little console. They tested gyroscopic motions in various handheld experiments. They worked behind the scenes for years making sure this technology was good enough for home use. Their virtual reality game machine was a failure because, though it offered rudimentary holographic technology, it was not actually fun. A few more years left in the laboratory would have yielded far better results. With the Wii, Nintendo took their time. They made sure the technology was perfect before they let unclean hands try it out. The controller needed to be able to point, shake and know its own relation in 3D space within a blink of a hummingbird's eye. After perfecting this technology, and encasing it in a controller that would be inviting and accessible for everyone with limbs, they finally let gamers try it out for themselves.
Players have had no problems with the device. It is untalented developers who cannot quite grasp how to use it.
Sonic Wii controls like crap. An idle controller will spurn Sonic mindlessly forward like a mannequin riding a Segway. Problems do not arise until you actually pick up the controller. In theory, Sonic moves left and right by tilting the controller in the appropriate direction. Imagine a slowed down, less precise emulation of Excite Truck with a far less likable on screen avatar. The 2 button is used to jump. Now, if you assume jumping will work like every other platformer in the history of gaming, you would be wrong. Remember, this is Sonic. He can make the most basic concept scream with frustration. If you tap 2 you will do a short hop which serves no purpose. If you hold down 2 you will slow down in your tracks and charge up for a worthwhile jump. You may wonder how I can find fault with such a concept. Remember, this is a speed heavy platformer. To slow down at any point in these retched Sonic games is to sever the already fragile line to fun. As soon as you start to move through the levels with some grace you are forced to slow down to jump over enemies and across ravines.
Still don't understand why this is so bad? The closest Wii title to Sonic is Excite Truck. This is a racing game about speed. You fly over hills and into other cars just as Sonic jumps over pits and into enemies. In Excite Truck, you hold the controller back to jump. This is a smooth motion that ensures gameplay is not interrupted for even a second. In Sonic, you have to actually stop to make accurate jumps. The game is far too shallow to be an adequate platformer yet too slow and stunted to be a good racing game.
The worst part of this adventure is the forced motions you need to make. To attack enemies you have to actually thrust your controller towards the screen. Fun if you are a person who also finds joy in pushing an invisible cougar around, but oh so tedious when used with the unyielding repetition this game demands. Furthermore, the motion is so imprecise that, if you do not actually hit the enemy as planned, you do not know whether to blame the shoddy programming or the well built technology. Playing Sonic made me doubt the future of the Wii. It uses the revolutionary controller so poorly that I seriously feared that my favorite video game company (Nintendo) had doomed me to a future of imprecise tech demos.
It isn't until later in the game that you find out the developers thought it would be fun to make a platformer with horrendous controls. This is a platform game, even though it is shallow and not fun. And yet, you have to earn rudimentary moves that should be included from the beginning. Sure, adding a bit of fire to your standard attack is a perfectly acceptable practice. I love earning new moves in games. But Sonic goes further than just offering more powerful versions of existing moves. For instance, you can earn a magic orb that lets you jump more precisely. What? You mean I suffered through that string of horrible jumps for nothing? You can also unlock the ability to move more gracefully lateral. Can you imagine a Mario game in which your controls were intentionally crippled at the beginning? Where simply being able to move in a fun and satisfying manner was something you needed to earn? Even when Sonic enables these enhancements, the game is still sluggish and boring.
Sonic is the most overrated gaming franchise in the history of gaming. The 2D games are shallow and the 3D adventures are unplayable. I would rather alternate between marathon sessions of Lost Planet and Hotel Dusk than touch this cockroach fart again.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Earth Defense Force: 2017
I really want to use grandiose statements to describe Earth Defense Force. Something like "The reason my pulmonary system churns" or "If God had a puppy, this would be it!" Something completely unreasonable that would make people shiver with glee. But I'm not going to pander, at least not that obviously. I did love every second of it. It's one of the most fun games on the system. And yet, when you try to dissect exactly why it is so fun, the game sounds like a real pile of pig's poop. The graphics are passable, though hardly better than you would find on the original Xbox. The voice acting sounds as though it's coming from Helen Keller after she burned her tongue on some tea. Even the controls are kind of crappy. Only four buttons are used and yet they stuck jump and evade on the same button? Who do they think they are kidding? And yet, despite the countless flaws, this game kicks seven kinds of ass. Imagine that Cerberus had a plethora of butts instead of heads, and this game kicked every one of them. That is Earth Defense Force.
Here's the deal: you are placed in a city overrun by alien ants the size of the pope's oversized Hummer. There are fifty seven thousand of these insects in every level, and that's just on the easiest difficulty setting. You have a barrel full of explosive weapons - grenades, both of the thrown and launched variety, rockets and missiles - as well as more traditional weapons such as shotguns, sniper rifles and acid spewers. With a story relegated to a mere twenty word description before each level, you set off to destroy this overgrown menace with nothing to get in the way.
Why is this so much fun? Because it harkens back to the days when shooting was enough. This plays like a next generation update to Robotron. You shoot, you run, you shoot again and if you're feeling spry, you can jump. It is mindless, repetitive fun that puts high budget shooters, such as the putrid Lost Planet or baffling Call of Duty, to shame. This is the very essence of what makes gaming fun. Add in the always lovable co-op mode, and you could easily spend the next fifty hours of your life destroying the alien threat without even taking the time to wipe the waterfall of drool spilling down your chin. It's the type of game that every parent should fear even more than the likes of chainsaw-tacular Gears of War or hooker fresh Grand Theft Auto. To sink into EDF is to understand what the human mind was like before evolution gave us the power of thought. It is mindless fun and I couldn't ask for anything more.
Or could I? Let's assume for a second that this game is not perfect. It's a rather cruel assumption but play along for a second. How could EDF possibly be improved in the next incarnation? I have a couple suggestions. First of all, I love killing giant ants and, since giant robots killed my father, I will gladly avenge his death for hours on end. But this game could use a little variety. Giant insects and robots are awesome, but how about more giant things? Who doesn't want to kill a giant zebra or an overgrown petunia? The fine folks at Sandlot should just look around their office and make every thing they see a giant enemy in the next game. From staplers to half eaten submarine sandwiches, I want to blow up a thousand enlarged versions of all the things that haunt me in my every day life.
Also, while there are over 150 guns in the game, I only used a handful of them. I like having sniper rifles and assault rifles in my inventory, but I'm not going to use them over a rocket launcher or shotgun. If they halved the number of guns but made each weapon upgradeable, I would still be playing this now instead of trying to persuade everyone else to buy it. Ratchet and Clank proved that monotony doesn't matter if I can upgrade my gear. Just throw that little feature in there and I'll eradicate the alien threat for good.
Other than those slight tweaks, this game is perfect as is. EDF is the standout entry in a genre we desperately need more quality games: B Video Games. Low production values and limited graphics can be fun in a game just like laughable dialog and rubber suits lure masochistic movie fans out of hiding. I love that the giant spiders don't splatter into a million pieces after being hit by a homing missile. I think it is really funny blasting an ant with a shotgun, watching him soar beyond a hill some three miles in the distance, but not so much as move a leg during the rough flight. This is a genuinely funny game that is undeniably fun.
I haven't even mentioned the sheer scale of the game yet. Each level is bloody huge. Most of them take place in a downtown metropolis with tall buildings taunting you to take a shot. And that is the just what I did in every level. The quickest path to a nest of ants is invariable blocked by a row of skyscrapers. With a few shots from my rocket launcher, I can cause more damage than my breeding foes could ever dream of. Who will police the police? Who cares? Everyone just grab a rocket launcher and destroy that monument! In 53 levels of chaotic action, I only found an invisible wall one time. The levels are staggering in their size.
Earth Defense Force: 2017 costs a mere $40 at retail, has more than fifty hours of gameplay, and can be enjoyed even by preschool dropouts. If you have an Xbox 360 and a friend who doesn't mind traveling to your place whenever you hang out, there is no reason not to buy this game.
Here's the deal: you are placed in a city overrun by alien ants the size of the pope's oversized Hummer. There are fifty seven thousand of these insects in every level, and that's just on the easiest difficulty setting. You have a barrel full of explosive weapons - grenades, both of the thrown and launched variety, rockets and missiles - as well as more traditional weapons such as shotguns, sniper rifles and acid spewers. With a story relegated to a mere twenty word description before each level, you set off to destroy this overgrown menace with nothing to get in the way.
Why is this so much fun? Because it harkens back to the days when shooting was enough. This plays like a next generation update to Robotron. You shoot, you run, you shoot again and if you're feeling spry, you can jump. It is mindless, repetitive fun that puts high budget shooters, such as the putrid Lost Planet or baffling Call of Duty, to shame. This is the very essence of what makes gaming fun. Add in the always lovable co-op mode, and you could easily spend the next fifty hours of your life destroying the alien threat without even taking the time to wipe the waterfall of drool spilling down your chin. It's the type of game that every parent should fear even more than the likes of chainsaw-tacular Gears of War or hooker fresh Grand Theft Auto. To sink into EDF is to understand what the human mind was like before evolution gave us the power of thought. It is mindless fun and I couldn't ask for anything more.
Or could I? Let's assume for a second that this game is not perfect. It's a rather cruel assumption but play along for a second. How could EDF possibly be improved in the next incarnation? I have a couple suggestions. First of all, I love killing giant ants and, since giant robots killed my father, I will gladly avenge his death for hours on end. But this game could use a little variety. Giant insects and robots are awesome, but how about more giant things? Who doesn't want to kill a giant zebra or an overgrown petunia? The fine folks at Sandlot should just look around their office and make every thing they see a giant enemy in the next game. From staplers to half eaten submarine sandwiches, I want to blow up a thousand enlarged versions of all the things that haunt me in my every day life.
Also, while there are over 150 guns in the game, I only used a handful of them. I like having sniper rifles and assault rifles in my inventory, but I'm not going to use them over a rocket launcher or shotgun. If they halved the number of guns but made each weapon upgradeable, I would still be playing this now instead of trying to persuade everyone else to buy it. Ratchet and Clank proved that monotony doesn't matter if I can upgrade my gear. Just throw that little feature in there and I'll eradicate the alien threat for good.
Other than those slight tweaks, this game is perfect as is. EDF is the standout entry in a genre we desperately need more quality games: B Video Games. Low production values and limited graphics can be fun in a game just like laughable dialog and rubber suits lure masochistic movie fans out of hiding. I love that the giant spiders don't splatter into a million pieces after being hit by a homing missile. I think it is really funny blasting an ant with a shotgun, watching him soar beyond a hill some three miles in the distance, but not so much as move a leg during the rough flight. This is a genuinely funny game that is undeniably fun.
I haven't even mentioned the sheer scale of the game yet. Each level is bloody huge. Most of them take place in a downtown metropolis with tall buildings taunting you to take a shot. And that is the just what I did in every level. The quickest path to a nest of ants is invariable blocked by a row of skyscrapers. With a few shots from my rocket launcher, I can cause more damage than my breeding foes could ever dream of. Who will police the police? Who cares? Everyone just grab a rocket launcher and destroy that monument! In 53 levels of chaotic action, I only found an invisible wall one time. The levels are staggering in their size.
Earth Defense Force: 2017 costs a mere $40 at retail, has more than fifty hours of gameplay, and can be enjoyed even by preschool dropouts. If you have an Xbox 360 and a friend who doesn't mind traveling to your place whenever you hang out, there is no reason not to buy this game.
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