G-pinions

Renowned film jerk Dan joins Tom and I for a very special episode of Tha G (as the kids call it). Not special in the olympic kind of way, more like the mutant powers kind of way. You know what I mean. Silly guys.

We chat about Okami (again), various X06 news, some leftover TGS tidbits and specifically why Roger Ebert is a fuckface (the answer will shock and amaze you). Also, due to server space issues which will be resolved soon, Episode 1 of this season (and the entirety of last season, for the zero of you who give a shit) had to be taken down to make room for this one.

Kick our asses, take our names.

Maybe I shouldn't have allowed Bubble Bobble to shape the way I feel about gaming. I never thought my favorite 2-player NES game would let me down, but it seems like the message it preached twenty years ago is no longer relevant. I always thought that cooperative gaming had to take place in the same room. Deathmatch, Capture the Flag and all that other competitive crap is fine online, but I always assumed that trying to play through a game with someone miles away would be boring. Cracking jokes over a microphone? Gesticulating wildly to no one? What's the point?

My feelings have definitely changed on that matter. When the X360 came out last year, Nick and I played through Perfect Dark Zero within the first week of launch. We played it split screen, just like Taito intended, and I had a blast. Technology be damned, I was perfectly content playing on half a screen with less graphical effects. 8 months later I got an X360 of my own, and a copy of Perfect Dark Zero as well. And I decided to play through the co-op mode again, this time online. Well, it was much better. Significantly better actually. So good, so tight in fact, that I really have no interest in offline co-op anymore. No interest at all. Lego Star Wars II, which mocked me by including only offline co-op, was quickly played through and shipped back to California. I'm not going to play crap like that anymore. I can't. It's a pain in the butt trying to organize a co-op match at all and it's even a bigger pain to buy extra controllers. $50 per and you expect me to get more than one? Are you nuts?

Cliffy B announced yesterday, for the thousandth time, that Gears of War would have full co-op, though the entire campaign, and it can be played over the internet. Yay! In other news, Resistance is still going to offer only offline co-op. Who cares about this? Yes, it's just a bonus nice Mr. Insomniac included, but it's completely worthless. It's like that create your own damn level mode in LocoRoco. It sounds good on paper but who is actually going to take advantage of it? And have you seen Resistance lately? It looks phenomenal. From a purely aesthetic perspective... damn! Can't wait to see what First Person Shooters are coming out next year at this time, when developers figure out how to use the PS3. So you have this gorgeous game with crazy environments and all this other next generation stuff packed in, and they expect you to play split screen? I'd rather watch Nick play than butcher this experience.

Basically, I not only expect tons of games to have co-op this generation, I want them to have online co-op. Yes, I know the Wii isn't going to have any online co-op. Nintendo is desperately trying to keep people under one roof. But Sony and MS have to take advantage of the sheer laziness of their users, of the rising gas costs and all the other outside devil pinchers trying to ruin my gaming fun, and make all their co-op games playable online. Let Star Wars II be the dirty road kill other companies use as a flagrant warning sign. It's not next generation if it's splitting the frickin' screen.

People are really mean to Rare. It's like my favorite developer gets its jollies from throwing goat's milk on sleeping babies. I have no idea why people are so angry towards this group of fine men and women. Yes, there is obvious fanboy hatred dished out to Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft, and I accept that. But no other developer seems to garner as much pure hatred as the quiet guys from Twycross. Look at what happens when they release a new game. Even if it's an average game, like Perfect Dark Zero, it gets lambasted like it's the second coming of Captain Blasto. And Kameo, which is a fine game, is relentlessly insulted from people who have played little more than the demo. Where does this hate come from? Is it just bitter Nintendo fanboys? Or is it angsty Xbox gamers who shun anything that doesn't have the requisite amount of guns and violence?

There is a trailer up for Banjo 3 on XBL right now. It looks fantastic. Towards the end, the duo bust out of the room they are imprisoned in. Before they run around in the lush, green grass, they anxiously eye what lies ahead. There's a music note on top of a mountain way off in the distance. Closer, on a hilltop, is a puzzle piece. For fans of the series (namely me) this is a great sign. I loved running around the worlds trying to figure out how to collect these pieces. Banjo and Shadow of the Colossus are very different games, but both are built on exploring a huge world. The world of Shadow, though beautiful, is almost completely empty. You run around just to see the different environments. It's incredible. In Banjo, there are tangible rewards for exploring. Both the games are built on taking advantage of the world in front of you; they just use different ideas to urge gamers into it. When people complain that Banjo 3 is just going to be another collect-a-thon, they are damning the very essence of the series.

Halo 3 may still be the number one game on my Wanted List, but Banjo 3 is a comfortable number 2. As much as I look forward to Twilight Princess and Mario Galaxy, there is something that Banjo has been able to offer in the past that no other game has come close to. Rare has had a sense of scoop and difficulty in their platformers that no other developer seems to approach. I mistakenly waited to play through Banjo Tooie one month before Mario Sunshine came out. It was a brilliant game. It was so good that I struggled with Mario Sunshine and eventually got bored with it. Insomniac may have mastered the Action Platformer genre, but no other pure 3D Platformer has come close to Banjo. I am so happy Rare announced a sequel to this game and left the craptacular Killer Instincts buried in the regrettable early 90s.

If you haven't been paying attention, the past few weeks have featured a murderer's row of video game news. With all three companies having press events and exhibitions for their next generation consoles, I am officially overwhelmed with all the happenings. One thing is clear - all three of these systems should be mandatory for any person who even remotely likes video games. It's a good time to be a gamer. After Sony blew people away at last week's Tokyo Games Show, Microsoft really needed to bring something to the table at their X06 event. They seem to have America firmly in hand right now, but the juggernaut is looming. If they don't have some huge games next year, Sony will blow them away once again. Well, they certainly had some announcements today, but I'm not sure it will be quite enough.

First off, Rare finally announced their next game. Banjo Kazooie 3 (Banjo Threeie? I hope not...) was officially announced for the Xbox 360. There is no release date yet, and not even a screenshot has been shown, but I fully expect this to come out next summer. After all the backlash Rare has received for delaying games well past relevance, I can't imagine MS would announce this game unless it was deep in development. Also, they can't release it late next year since both Halo 3 and GTAIV are coming. So next summer we should have the two best 3D platformers from the 32-bit era going head-to-head on opposing consoles. Mario Galaxy versus Banjo 3. Man oh man; I cannot wait to get my hands on those.

The only question that remains (I am so confident about the release date I am not even questioning that) is who is developing this. Rare has already said that the Banjo team is working on Viva Pinata. So who the heck is working on Banjo? Is it the Jet Force Gemini team? The Conker team? I have no idea, but I am a little worried about this. Banjo and its sequel are still the best pure 3D platformers I have ever played. I hope they continue down the same glorious road I have enjoyed so thoroughly already. But we will have to wait and see on that front.

The Big News, as far as I am concerned, is the apparent exclusivity of BioShock. I say "apparent" because very few huge 3rd party titles actually stay on one console. With these overwhelming development costs, it just doesn't make financial sense to strand a superb game on one platform. But MS must have shelled out some cash to keep this one at home. And I have an idea why:

The PlayStation 3 is much more powerful than the Xbox 360. Remember the gap between Xbox and PS2? This is much larger. If you've seen the PS3 videos from TGS, especially Ridge Racer 7 and Motorstorm, you will see games that look far superior to anything on the X360. If I was Sony and knew Irrational Games was working on this for my platform as well as MS's, I would make sure the graphical difference was known. BioShock is the best looking X360 game I have seen, even better looking than Gears of War, so it is very important for MS to have this on their platform. It shows that the X360 can sort of compete with the PS3. If MS didn't lock this game up, Sony should have funded PS3 development. It would have been a huge blow against the X360 to have a far superior version of BioShock available on the competing console. I'm sure we will see this scenario play out sometime in the next year or so, but I think Sony missed a perfect opportunity to really show off the power of the PS3. It's one thing to see these PS3 exclusive titles look amazing, but if you could have the same game, side-by-side on both platforms, that would be all the marketing Sony would need.

It's funny how I somehow turned good X360 news into bad news, eh? So what else did MS announce? Peter Jackson and his development studio are working on two X360 games. One is a completely original IP and the other is a Halo spin-off. In other Halo news, the developer of Age of Empires is working on a Halo Real Time Strategy game. To tie these stories together, I would be pumped at the prospect of any Halo spin-off... except for an RTS. I don't play PC games and they clearly do not work on consoles. As long as the Peter Jackson's project isn't another RTS I am really pumped for this. And I can't wait to see this original game. I assume it will star puppets and offend anyone older than 13.

Finally, Doom is coming to Xbox Live. In fact, it may already be out. Now, 800 points ($10) may seem like a lot for a 15-year-old title, but it has enticing upgrades. First, there is a four-player deathmatch mode. Since it's both online and offline, I am intrigued. I love old school FPS and never had a chance to play deathmatch Doom back in the day. Also, there is co-op. Four Player. Online and Offline. That's all I needed to hear. My GamerTag is Gigglepoo. I would love to play some co-op Doom with you.

And now my lunch period is up!

I am finally the proud owner of a Nintendo Dual Screen Lite. I shelled out the big bucks because it's so damn small I can fit it in my pocket with hardly a bulge. And the screen - have you seen the screen? It's the best screen I have ever seen on a portable device. Just a brilliant example of why video games are the pinnacle of modern society. I am still wary of the standard control scheme, though. The D-Pad and buttons are very small with no room on the edges of the system to rest your hands. And where's the give? Those things are as mushy as pudding. Like all my problems, I'll worry about that later. Castlevania isn't coming out until December, right? Now I am knee-deep in a game that shuns those archaic control methods.

I actually bought Cooking Mama. No, my self-esteem is not so low that I struggle to even say those words aloud. Even if when the clerk smirked and even my mom laughed, I held my head high. What kind-hearted soul wouldn't want to play a game called Cooking Mama? While looking for my not-yet-purchased DSL - which Best Buy does not actually keep stocked under the NDS game for some reason - I looked specifically for this game. I had actually called a few stores last week to see if anyone had it in stock. Because Cooking Mama is an NDS game, and because it is so different and weird, I really wanted it. I didn't really care if it was actually "good" or that I would be getting Mario Basketball a few days later, relegating Cooking Mama to a place on my dust-enveloped shelf. The whole reason I own an NDS, and why it's probably my favorite system now, is because it offers so many unique experiences. For all its faults, Cooking Mama is unlike anything else out there.

Cooking Mama is kind of like Wario Ware with a purpose. That whole "purpose" thing is the biggest draw but ultimately the biggest flaw with the game. Don't you love when that happens? The minigames are strung together in rapid succession with the ultimate goal being the noble creation of some recipe. You chop vegetables, mix sauces, add water, roll chicken around in flour, and all the other crap real chefs have to dirty their hands with. You're graded on every aspect of the process, and you get some shiny metal at the end depending on how good you are. Do everything perfectly and get a gold. Add too much water or take too much time to peel the potatoes and get a silver or - *Gasp* - a bronze.

So here's the problem: there just isn't much variety. Whereas Wario Ware has the ability to throw in a pick-the-nose game next to one where you have to shake some adorable puppy's paw, everything in Cooking Mama relates to traditional cooking techniques. Sometimes you get a new step throw in, like when I had to decapitate some shrimp, but most recipes are virtually indistinguishable from one another. What am I making now: rice balls or rice cakes?

Still, the game is fun in ways that only a portable NDS title can be. Nothing quite like going to the bathroom and frying up some mackerel. And, because these are real recipes, you may be able to translate your mad skills in the game to real world cooking. Of course, there aren't any measurements in the game, but real chefs don't measure their ingredients anyway. As long as you know how to crack an egg with just one hand you're halfway to being able to compete on Iron Chef - College Dorm Room.