G-pinions

This game will be the death of me. I'm the maddest I've been in months, I kid you not. And it's not because it's really hard, like everyone whines about. I haven't found it that hard at all really, I've beaten the first three major bosses using 2, 3, and 1 life, respectively. But man, this shit is pissing me off. The game was going great, better than ever in fact, until I hit this god-forsaken underground monastery level. Now, what is it with underground levels and sucking? Norrath was at it's worst finding kittens in caves and riding a lava tractor - by far the worst area, maybe the only bad one in the game. And now this, in Ninja Gaiden. Fucking. Zombies. They're not hard, but my god, are they cheap. Cheapest goddamn enemies I've fought in a long, long time. The level was already pissing me off due to the inconsistent background interaction I've bitched about in the past (wall-running and jumping often shoots you off at weird, un-navigateble angles), but the zombies that showed up really put the icing on the crap cake. They appear in groups, beating you with giant axes while zombie archers take aim from afar. If you let your guard down for a second (and you have to, to go on the offensive) they tackle you and bite you, taking away about half of your life bar. And as soon as they're done, well, another one usually tackles you and bites you. And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. You can't even pause to consume some life elixir. And then you die. Repeat. Once I finally got out of two zombie-infested corridors, I had to fight zombies on an elevator, and then zombies in a big room with a path on the edge that spirals up. Shortly up the path, you face two zombie archers, standing on two pieces of rock you need to step on to continue. The problem is, the zombies fire at different times, so if you start to attack one, the other one will shoot you, knocking you down to the bottom of the room. If he doesn't do it, you'll fall off yourself just trying to attack them. And once at the bottom, guess what? All the enemies have respawned, including the two goddamn archers and everyone else when you head back up the path. I finally made it to the top thanks to a lot of lucky wall-running, but this whole escapade cost me all six of my small life elixirs and three of my four large ones. So fucking weak. I hate to just write updates bitching about Ninja Gaiden, but I really, really needed to vent. I'm really turned off of this game right now, but hopefully as soon as this section is over it'll be all uphill. TheSco and Kosmo, let me know if you have any good zombie-battling tactics.

Edit: Turns out that right after that whole fiasco, I had to fight the next boss, a giant bone dinodragon, with only my one large health container remaining, no place to buy more. Meaning, I had to have an almost flawless fight to beat him. Roughly fifteen tries later, I'm done with him. Fuck this game right now.

Everyone loves lists! So now that I’ve finished Psi Ops I will treat you to a list of the 7 best and worst aspects of the game. I hope you appreciate you how lucky you are. You get two columns about Psi Ops from me, and Nick hasn’t even started the game yet. So, without further ado:

Top 7 Things I like:

1. Surfing Crates – This is just a blast and really should have been implemented more. For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ll explain. Every level is littered with crates and boulders and other objects primarily used to hurl at enemies. That’s fun, no question about that, but even more fun than throwing them is climbing aboard and riding them. Using the power of telekinesis, you can literally fly around a level on these bad boys. Over rough terrain, up hills and, if you play your cards right, you can kill evil enemies by ramming into them. Simply a blast.

2. Boss Battles – These are kind of a mixed bag, but the good boss battles were really fun to play. Most of them just consisted of dodging your opponent’s attacks while throwing objects from around the room at them. Doesn’t sound too exciting, but it was really fun. One boss throws trains and huge cars at you, which are surprisingly easy to dodge. He can’t be hurt by bullets but some reason he is vulnerable to small crates being thrown gently at him. Good times.

3. Mind Control – I really liked being able to control opponents with my mind. Since fighting with a gun is so weak in this game, I would usually just possess their bodies and promptly force them to commit suicide. Nothing quite like making a guy jump off a cliff or forcing him to jump into a furnace.

4. Ragdoll Physics – To answer Brendan’s question about Chronicles of Riddick, there is no way that game had ragdoll physics. I didn’t realize how cool a realistic enemy body could be in a game. The way their body flops and twitches after you slam them into a wall is hilarious. Plus, with such great animation, it gives you something to play around with when all the enemies in an area are dead. It makes me pine for a two player mode so players can joust using dead bodies. I guess I’ll have to wait for the sequel for that.

5. Gnomes – Anyone who was hardcore into Perfect Dark probably remembers the hidden cheese in each level. You didn’t get anything if you found them, but it was fun to scour levels trying to find where Rare hid the cheese. This game has a similar thing with gnomes. They are hidden throughout each level and are actually quite hard to find. I only found about 4 during my first play through, and I know there are a lot more than that. They do give you bonuses, like extra missions or something, which is even cooler. Gotta love the gnomes.

6. Flaming Guys – When I first got the ability to light guys on fire with the power of my mind, I was actually disappointed. It’s not nearly as much fun as throwing a guy around a room or off a cliff so I never used it. Then I decided to combine the throwing with the flaming and, presto, video game magic. My favorite strategy now is to light the first guy in a room on fire, and then throw his flaming corpse at everyone else in the room. Hilarity ensues.

7. TK Items – I play games for the ability to do stuff I couldn’t normally do in real life. I guess that’s why I love this little feature so much. If there is a health pack or gun way on the other side of the room you can just throw it to yourself with your mind. Heck, even if it’s only a foot away, or you’d have to jump to reach it, you can just bring it to you. Surprisingly fun to do. I just need to perfect this in real life.

Things I do not like:

1. Aura Vision – This is the last ability you earn in the game and, from that moment on, the game takes a downward plunge into crapulence. By hitting right on the D pad you gain aura vision, which lets you see hidden cracks in walls and enemies. This is so frustrating. The hidden enemies are these floating hell beasts that, if you get too close, swarm you and will eventually kill you. Considering that most of the game involves messing up enemies in really cool ways, the developers really ruined the flow by making you sneak around these horribly cheap enemies, sucking the fun from the game. Later, the hell beasts are replaced by floating mines. So no longer can you run into a room and mess stuff up, you have to sneak everywhere you go for fear of accidentally hitting a mine. Boring!

2. Enemies You Can’t Mind Control – Most of the game there is only one type of enemy – a normal soldier. You can pick them up with your mind or control them. This is fun. Later in the game you fight new soldiers with Magneto like mind resistant helmets. This is boring. Sure, it’s fun throwing exploding barrels at them, but not nearly as much fun as throwing them into a wall. Plus, these later enemies are far stronger, requiring more than a full clip of ammo to kill. If you’re low on mind powers or there is nothing nearby to toss into them, these enemies are really a pain to fight and just not fun at all.

3. Guns – this game has the lamest assortment of guns. There are only 5 total in the whole game: pistol, shotgun, assault rifle, machine gun and sniper rifle. The Assault rifle and machine gun are pretty much the same thing, though they require different ammo. The shotgun is the only other weapon worth using, though it sucks at long range. The pistol is like a weak pee shooter. And the sniper rifle, though adequate against normal soldiers, are useless against the more powerful enemies. You know those guys I was complaining about before? The ones who are boring to fight? It takes 5 sniper shots to kill them, even if you hit them in the head. Plus, you can only carry two guns at one time, and one of the guns has to the pistol. So, in reality, you only have one gun. Thanks guys. Lame.

4. Cut Scenes – every time you enter a new area the game flashes to an overhead shot of the room. The camera zooms around, showing you the switches you have to hit and where all the bad guys are located. Does anyone like having their hand held through the whole game? I can figure out to hit the red blinking button without you showing it to me beforehand.

5. Too Short – The game clocks in at a hair over 5 hours. Sure, with my frequent deaths it took much longer than that, but it took me 5 hours of play time to finish the game. With no multiplayer mode, and a horrible co-op mode, there really is no reason to buy this game.

6. Control – this is probably the worst part about the game. The game controls so sluggishly you will find yourself dead quite often. In combat, you character moves ridiculously slow when moving backwards which makes it nigh impossible to avoid incoming rockets and grenades. Plus, your torso swivel is very slow, so it’s a pain to hit someone in front of you then turn and hit a guy behind you. Oh, and the game has an auto reload button, which makes fighting with a gun a real pain. You empty one clip in a bad guy then stand around until your character decides to reload. One last in combat complaint: targetting can be quite annoying. If there is a boulder next to a guy and you want to grab the boulder and throw it at that guy it can be quite hard. The game automatically locks on to one object, and it's very difficult to switch the focus to one nearby.

Outside of combat the controls are just as bad. Trying to climb up on ledges is a chore as the game randomly decides what can and cannot be climbed upon. Jumping is a joke; your character is like the second coming of Bill Lambeer. Also, your pointer changes from a neutral green to red when it's on an enemy to a yellow when it's on an item you can pick up. I would have liked if there was one more color, maybe purple, for when you were targetting an item like a gun or health pack.

The worst part, that is so bad it requires a separate paragraph, is the way you interact with ladders. First of all, you can’t jump off them. You have to slowly climb all the way down before you can release yourself. So if someone is shooting you in the back, you calmly walk down the rungs. What were they thinking? And, for god knows what reason, the developers made you magnetically attracted to ladders. Try casually walking by one and you will see yourself sucked towards it. A real pain in the butt.

7. Story Twist – This may be the worst story in a video game since the atrocious Brute Force. You kill hundreds of enemies to get back your memory and powers. I already mentioned that part. What is horrible is the twist in the game. I won’t mention it here, but be forewarned: the story is not entertaining at all. It’s not bad enough to laugh at even. Just skip it. Trust me.

Despite the many, many flaws the game isn’t bad. It just should have been so much better. Out of 10 I’d probably give it a 7.

Holy goddamn. I love you, Tomonobu Itagaki. This wonderful man and creator of Ninja Gaiden, along with the people over at Team Ninja, are set to release Ninja Gaiden 1.1 as a free download over Live in early August (free if own the original, that is). Now, plenty of extra content/upgrades have been released for download for all sorts of games since we started playing them online, and it usually varies a lot in quality. A free level here, a level you have to pay for there; an extra character, an extra bikini. They come and go, but this one is worth making a fuss about. Not only does it have new enemies. And new bosses. And new weapons. And better A.I. And faster gamplay. Oh and a NEW MOTHERFUCKING CAMERA. That's right, they've given us full 360° camera control, something I've been pining for since I started playing the game. It's really the only major flaw in the game, and will, for me, make it roughly twice as good - no foolin'. So, it will go from approximately 'hella awesome' to 'mega jawsome'. Man, the fact that a developer would do this themselves, unprovoked, for minimal monetary gain and not save it for a sequel is beyond great. Fixing a major flaw in your game through a download is probably the best use of online gaming i've heard of yet, and I pray that hundreds of other developers follow suit. It's tempting to hold off on continuing through the game until August rolls around, but those ninja aren't going to kill themselves (unless I disgrace them, then maybe...). So, that rocks.

Sometimes a game comes out with a completely original idea and executes the concept perfectly. Take Viewtiful Joe, for instance, which makes amazing use of Joe’s super powers and creates a game world that squeezes the maximum amount of fun out of the concept. Then there are games with pretty lousy ideas, like having two riders in a kart for Double Dash, but the rest of the game is so well made you can’t help but have fun with the title.

Then there are the games that have an amazing concept and forget about every other aspect of the game. Psi Ops – The Mindgate Conspiracy unfortunately falls into that category. POtMC is pretty fun simply because the concept is just so cool. While you carry a gun with you at all times, most of the time you will be using the power of your mind to make those weaker than you die. With relative ease, you can pick up a nearby opponent and whip them around the room, into walls and off of ledges, without even batting an eye. If you’re lucky enough to catch an opponent off guard you can make their head explode – a great party trick. And if you’re feeling particularly nasty you can take control of a guard and make him do the dirty work for you. And, to wipe his memory, you can make him commit suicide when he’s done being a traitor to whatever cause he’s fighting for.

All of these elements are really fun and are thankfully easy to pull off. But, Midway made every other aspect of this game as generic as they possibly could. The story is the same as XIII – you wake up with your mind erased and kill hundreds of people in an attempt to figure out who you are – and the game even borrows more from XIII with extremely boring level design. Every level is set up the same: Large room connects to hallway connects to large room connects to another hallway.

I need another paragraph here just to talk about the story. I know there are some people out there who like a story, for whatever reason. This game just has way too much story for its own good. There are some stretches in the game where you are shown a cut scene, then go back to playing for 17 seconds, only to have another cut scene immediately start up again, interrupting your gameplay experience. The story is absolutely horrendous, and the frequent stoppage of actually playing the game totally sucked me out of the experience. Why can’t games just go back to the Contra school of telling stories: if you don’t have anything interesting to tell just say aliens attacked Earth. Don’t interrupt the gameplay with more story. To make matters worse, you don’t even have any psychic abilities in the beginning of the game because you’re memory is erased and you have to slowly remember how to do these things. That just makes the game less fun guys.

And the control, as perfect as it is for PsiOptic abilities, is completely useless in a fire fight. You hold your gun like a frozen salmon, and your enemies, who so readily die when being slammed into a wall, can absorb a clip of ammo before taking a graceful bow. And don’t think you won’t be forced to go the old fashion gun route that often. There are many instances where you will need to use your muscle instead of your mind, and any time you inhabit an enemy’s body you will be using their gun to kill their friends.

The worst offense, though, is the fact that this game is 3rd person. Why do companies keep making 3rd person shooters? They never control as well as their first person brethren, and there is no advantage at all to this out of body perspective. I guarantee the issues I have with horrible gun control could be alleviated, if only slightly, if they just let me just have a first person perspective. Bah, I say. Stupid developers can’t even get the most basic concepts right.

To top it all off, the game also has one of the worst co-op modes of all time. Sure, props to Midway for including a co-op mode at all, but this is just ridiculous. Borrowing a page from Smash TV, player one controls the movement of your character while player two controls the shooting and mind control stuff. Seems decent on paper, but in practice it’s an aggravating affair with much yelling and blame being dealt out. A concept that was fun during the day - my brother was in charge of shooting in Smash TV and would periodically go on strike, leaving me the joy of running around a room with no means to protect myself - is now just annoying. Why not go the Perfect Dark route and include a completely independent partner?

Despite all of the problems, the game is still fun. After you learn all your psychic abilities (you get a new move or two per level), the horrible AI and level design really bring this game into the mud. Certainly worth a rental, but no more than that.

The newest rumor with the PSP seems to be a possible $249 price point. I've gotta say, I'm fine with this, and I think anyone who was planning to buy one will be too (if it ends up being true). Sony proved once and for all with the unveiling at E3 that it really is a piece of cutting-edge technology, and not just a gadget or a dinky quasi-system of some sort. It's a fucking gorgeous, sensual, desirable piece of electronics, and will no doubt be bought by legions of people who just want to be seen with one, just like an iPod. Yes, gaming is this hip. And really, as a gamer, once I saw it I knew I was going to have to shell out to get one. I'm still completely undecided on that though, and will probably stay that way well past the system's launch date. You get what you pay for, and I think that will be totally applicable for the PSP. The PS1 and PS2 both launched at $300, and this system is Sony's most powerful yet. Just think about the world of computers - you pay at least twice as much for a laptop as you do a desktop of similar power. We should be fucking grateful as gamers to not be paying through our noses for our portable systems. And as far as the DS, I think it will probably be $50-$100 cheaper than the PSP. And if they actually come up with some fun uses for two screens, I'll be just as likely to buy one as the PSP, if not more. We'll see what goes down soon enough.

Elsewhere, I'm really pleased to see EA pick up The Stranger, Oddworld Inhabitant's newest title. Microsoft decided to drop it from their publishing lineup a month or two back for whatever assumably asinine reason (probably doesn't have online play), which was a bit of a shock considering they paid so much to get their last game on the X-Box. I mean, um, it was the best system to develop for. Yes, that's it. Fuckers. Anyhow, it's awesome that EA is taking a chance on them, and broadening their lineup beyond sports and licensed games a bit. It should also give OI some marketing muscle, something they've never really had, but always deserved. I mean, The Stranger might suck for all I know, but I really, really doubt it. Oddysee and Exoddus were both phenomenal games, and I'm sure Munch's is top tits as well (I finally picked it up recently - it's next on my list after Gaiden). AND HOLY SHIT - I JUST READ THE OFFICIAL RELEASE ON THE ODDWORLD SITE AND THE STRANGER IS COMING TO FUCKING PS2 AS WELL. THAT I DID NOT FUCKING KNOW. ROCK.

Speaking of Gaiden, I played a couple levels more, and it got a couple notches more awesome. The problems haven't gone away (inconsistencies in background interaction, camera), but when it works it's more badass than ever. I'm getting more comfortable with the move set too, which makes poppin' off heads as fun and easy as Shrinky Dinks. One great thing I'm noticing more and more is the satisfyingly unpredictable A.I. In most games like NG, every bad guy has his pattern, even in a 3D realm, and it's up to you to exploit it as many times as possible. The ninjas and security guard and bosses in NG all have their patterns, but they vary a lot and will usually find a way to exploit your patterns. Fend off a guy by guarding too much and he'll spin you around and slit your throat. It's frustrating as hell at times, but makes every kill all the more satisfying and all the more well-earned.

Lastly, I would like to briefly bring up something I overhead at Gamecrazy the other day. While browsing the used games for things to spend my remaining credit on (I eventually picked up NBA 2K1 for $1.80, NHL 2K for $2.80, and Chu-Chu Rocket for $2.99, all for Dreamcast - I'm glad I bought one in it's financial prime), I overheard one of the clerks playing The Suffering on one of the TVs. From reading several reviews I knew that it begins with you in jail, talking with other prisoners, when suddenly shit goes down and they all die. I heard most of it, but the initial conversations between the prisoners really made me cringe (and not because of bad voice acting, like usual). I knew the game had foul language, but I wasn't ready for this. I don't even want to type it, but it has to be fully retold for the sake of my story - "Shut the fuck up, you baby-raping, sodomizing cocksucker." No joke. I know I cuss in writing around here plenty, but that's just uncalled for. That was the worst thing said, but the rest was still R-rated at best. Now I'm all for making adult games, and all for not censoring them, but this just seems unnecessary. Obscenity for obscenity's sake just comes off as lame and immature. The prisoners in The Shawshank Redemption or The Butterfly Effect (you like those examples?) were plenty menacing, and didn't need to be that damn vulgar to do it. It just really makes me look down on a company when they try to push the envelope just for the hell of it (see: Manhunt). Push the envelope with your gameplay, assholes. And worst of all, it's not even a good insult. I mean, wouldn't you be more entertained and awed with a good ol "You Alpaca-feltching diaper dyke"?