G-pinions

First GRID, then AIDS, then MULA. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, that is. I was just arguing with Tom as to whether the game even deserves more press, whether this column was even worth writing. 86.7% on Gamerankings!? Something is grossly awry with this industry - on the developer end, on the publisher end, on the journalism end, and on the consumer end. That's no revelation, I know, but never has something I wanted to love so much disappointed and insulted me so thoroughly.

The game is an abomination. A disgusting amalgam of half-baked gameplay mechanics, utterly uninspired level and scenario design, broken combat and boss fights, convoluted, uninteresting story and more bugs than you can ring out of a corpse.

Slapping an incredibly flexible and exciting license such as Marvel on something so fundamentally unsound is perhaps the biggest insult of all. I LOVE Marvel, I LOVE the X-Men, and I will try anything with Wolverine once. But to cripple characters when it's convenient to your story or RPG progression? To mash everything good and sensible awkwardly together so that fans of Radioactive Man won't throw a fit when he's left out? The game couldn't be more sound theoretically (action-RPG in the Marvel universe), and probably couldn't be any worse in execution (though I haven't played the Wii version).

Want just one example of how simply broken the game is? Tom and I (after having to rejoin one another a half dozen times thanks to poor network code) were fighting a giant ice Yeti, or something. A boss whose name I forget for good reason. He spits out minions who carry ludicrously large spears; once you have killed the minion and taken his spear, you can actually damage the boss by climbing his body in a little button-pressing minigame and stabbing him in the neck (well, if you do it four times). Problem is, Wolverine was equipped (auto-equipped, mind you) with an item that puts enemies under your control for a good while, meaning you can't attack them and they'll attack whomever you're fighting. However, this breaks the boss fight - you can't get their spears since you can't kill them, and they can't hurt the boss since only you can, with a spear. After wrestling with the game to find out what the hell was doing that, we finally found the item and figured we could just unequip it. How wrong we were - that just led to the enemy being neither here nor there, permanently unkillable and useless to all. The game broke itself, auto-equipping the wrong item at the wrong time.

I refuse to believe that so many reviewers had so much fun with this game, especially multiplayer. Who wouldn't start skipping the terrible story after the few dozen interruptions? The potential fun of combat is negated by haphazard collision detection; more to the point, who thought it was a good idea to make a game with twenty playable characters with different animations and move sets, when they can't even get one feeling right? The entire experience is bogged down by this lack of priorities. They seem to have built a game around making sure every inch of a license is used, regardless of how fitting it is, but forgot to do anything remotely compelling with it.

No matter what 'gen' you put this is, it's an embarrassment for everyone involved. Don't be fooled by good reviews - Ultimate Alliance gives Action-RPGS, Marvel, and Activision a bad name. And somehow, in a move I can hardly even understand, they managed to ruin co-op. For shame.

Allow me to begin by saying that killing 1000 enemies at once is very satisfying - and even when my 360 cannot handle the mathematics of 1000 goblins dying and starts to slow to a chopped zombie fungus stutter, I am not annoyed at the lack of a smooth performance N3 has brought to the table. Nay, instead I am absolutely elated to know that my hands, bloodied with the splatter of genocide, have not only brought the war to a crashing halt, but have transcended the video game realm into the physical world in which I have halted the audio visual feed. I'm just that good.

Once upon a time, Q Entertainment and Phantagram decided that they were going to make a game. It was going to be extraordinary. It would have large-scale action, RPG elements, and even rhythm game elements! This game would be known as N3: Ninety Nine Nights (aka N3: NAINTINAIN NAITSU). Unfortunately, it feels as if Microsoft published it ninety-nine nights too soon [burn! - ed.]. The game feels unfinished and unpolished to the point that it carries a certain homebrew charm. I won't even get into the flaws because I'm sure you, the esteemed reader, have read on numerous occasions how bad the hit detection is, how vague and uninteresting the story is, how annoying it is to have a combo interrupted by a shitty cut scene, etc. What I would like to discuss is the puzzle and rhythm game elements that go much overlooked.

On-screen you are treated with two corners worth of HUD - in the bottom right you see your current combo count, your max combo achieved thus far in the current mission, and your kill count. At certain combo and kill intervals the text jumps out and chimes, also rewarding you with certain item bonuses. Very satisfying. On the left you have your current experience level, your health, and your orb count. The health meter is a nicely shaped 270 degree curve that stacks upon itself to indicate more health (as opposed to a rectangle that just gets longer and longer as you gain Max HP). As far as the orbs go, there are two meters - red and blue. Orbs function both as experience points as well as fuel for special attacks. Upon killing an enemy, a red orb is released. Collect enough of these and your red orb meter begins to flash yellow, indicating that you are ready to unleash orb attacks for a limited amount of time. Orb attacks typically come in two flavors per character: X and Y. The attack assigned to X is for the most part directional while the one assigned to Y is more radial. Every kill made with these attacks nets blue orbs. Collect enough blue orbs and your blue orb meter will begin to flash yellow. Now is the time for an orb spark, a sort of smart bomb attack that has a tendency to glitch out like crazy. Now I should mention that there's a question every Ninety-Nine Nighter has to ask themselves at that juncture: "should I use the orb attack now or later?" This is where the puzzle portion of N3 rears its fluffy head.

Obviously, one's first playthrough is purely action based - Kill kill kill X X X Y X X, repeat. But on your second attempt you'll already know where the cut scenes occur, where the enemies huddle, what the objectives are, and where you can find treasure chests. The key then becomes maximizing your combo by stringing enemy hordes together and orb sparking AFTER the cut scene. For example, instead of just charging in and defeating the waves of enemies as soon as they appear, hold back until they cluster and then let them have it. You will soon see that there is a greater depth to the game, in the sense that it's not about killing individual enemies, but collecting them into large enough groups so as to kill them efficiently. It kind of feels like a game of Lumines once you realize that instead of clearing 5 groups of 10 archers you could rally them together and kill one block of 50. Mizuguchi, you devil you.

As far as the combo attacks are concerned, you will also notice that this game is a button masher. Or is it? Yes, you could just tap the button like a moron, beat the game, and then complain about the lack of depth behind the play mechanics. Inphyy for example has one combo in particular in which she raises the enemies she is hitting into the air as she spins about. It's deadly as hell and I would not be surprised if using that same killer combo bored many gamers. On the other hand, one could notice the difference in rhythm between each character and each combo that character has available. After a few Level 5 Inphyy missions, I realized I was having more fun pressing the attack buttons to a rhythm and hearing the hit sound effect on beat with the soundtrack than I had expected. Yes, killing was still fun. Seeing thousands of red or blue orbs flock towards your character is very exciting, but the impact of having the audio visual experience mesh was unexpected. Who would have thought that I could have found rhythmic satisfaction in genocide? Mizuguchi... you devil you. The soundtrack, which cleverly weaves in and out depending on the intensity of the battle, eggs you on to kill. Matched with the swiftness of your character compared to the grunts in your way, the sensation of commanding an almighty demon general is well conveyed. One goblin fifty paces away notices your presence and starts to make his way towar- WHACK!!! Him and the 15 others around him are now dead, and that's just the first part of your combo. Match this with the vibrant eye-catching visuals of the attacks, swirls and spirals all unique to each character, and the game starts to take shape despite all of its flaws. It's as if you're playing an old school shooter with the crazy beams and such, except instead of motherships you have trolls.

Ultimately though, the game falls shorter than Tyurru in a troll festival. Perhaps Mizuguchi's genius wasn't gelling with the rest of the team. Perhaps the genre was too different and too ambitious, thus drawing the development teams too thin. Who knows? Point is, N3 had the potential to be a truly new take on the action genre but just didn't make it. The action/rhythm/puzzler I expected is in there, it's just under 10 troll festivals worth of poor design. Give it another go Mizuguchi, I think you're hot.

Thanks Al!

I love weird games. People who have read this site for awhile should know that I'll give a free pass to games that try something a little different. I can only play so many standard shooters and racing games before I just need something different. Like a jaded movie critic who praises The Rope just because it's not like every Hollywood movie out there, I too am guilty of liking a game just because it's totally off the wall. My favorite "what the hell did I just play" experience from last generation was Killer 7. I would describe my experience as "trippy," but that is too trite to really encompass just how bizarre Killer 7 really was. Everything from the gameplay to the art design to the story presentation was unlike anything else. It was a completely unique game that was able to overcome massive load times and questionable gameplay because I really needed to know what was around the next corner.

For anyone who experienced Killer 7 and thought they could find another mind-blowing experience in Contact, well, you should curb your enthusiasm now. Contact is an RPG for the NDS. It does not have crazy gameplay. The story is standard find-the-stolen-emerald fair, and it's not particularly engaging. In other words, it's a huge disappointment. But I cannot stand here and rip the game for not living up to the unrealistic expectations I dished upon it. If nothing else, Grasshopper has proven they can make a standard video game that is still fun. Contact is not as memorable as Killer 7, but I still find myself sneaking off to the bathroom every few minutes to experience more of it.

I'm not done with the game yet so this is not a full-blown review. But I did want to leave some impressions. I hyped the game so much before it came out. I should at least mention whether it lived up to my hype. The coolest thing about the game thus far is being able to level up every action of your character. It works kind of like Oblivion this way. Every time you slash with a knife your gain more experience in strength and stabbing. When you walk around you make your character faster. And if you cook a lot of chicken you become an expert chef. What's not to like about that?

So while the story may drag at times, I thoroughly enjoy attacking enemies and doing chores to level up. During my last bathroom break, which came dangerously close to the forty-minute mark, I learned how to make a killer potion. It's just seven parts water to every three parts herb. What could be easier? The more you cook, the more items you can cook. It's quite fantastic. Try to turn that rotten meat into something edible as a level one chef and you may just kill the neighborhood. But now I just need to add a little seasoning and it's at least on par with dog food.

There are about eight different outfits in the game, each with their own unique skills. You can practice opening treasure chests as the Shadow Thief or fishing with the, um, Fishing Man suit. I find myself constantly opening up the experience menu to see how far away I am from the next skill level. I'm a little obsessive compulsive in that regard. I want to see all the cool powers I can earn before I finish this game.

So right now, I couldn't tell you what's going on in the story or the name of any of the characters, but I can tell you I have reached level 10 in my cooking. And really, isn't that all that matters?

Run for your lives, our terrifying new Halloween show is up! Frighteningly poorly recorded! Shockingly little content! Actually I think it's pretty decent, I just can't deny a good Halloween joke. Especially the day AFTER Halloween. Anyhow, enjoy!

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Last November, two huge First Person Shooters were released alongside the launch of the Xbox 360. Perfect Dark Zero and Call of Duty 2 were two huge reasons why the X360 was so hard to find in those early days. They both turned out to be huge successes, each flying off shelves and building a steady following of loyal fans. PDZ had frustrating level design and CoD2 had AI issues, but both were ultimately fun. Games usually don't sell a million copies if they aren't at least fun. Why am I bringing these two games up now? One year after the launch of the X360, one developer is still bringing new content to an old game, the other developer has completely abandoned the game and the fanbase.

You know what the only thing better than new content is? New content that won't cost you a cent to experience. Rare has just released two new maps for Perfect Dark Zero and you can download them for no charge from the Marketplace. The two maps are rebuilt versions of Perfect Dark classics. The Facility, one of the best maps from the original Goldeneye, is back with a shiny new coat of paint. The lights have now been dimmed to allow for more stealthy kills, but the layout is virtually identical. A ladder now allows easy access to the bathroom air vents and snow falls through a hole in another room, but the rest is just how you left it on the N64. The other new map is Relic. On the podcast we recording last night, I incorrectly stated this was a remake of the fantastic Ruin map from the original Perfect Dark. Instead, Relic is a remake of Temple. I would have liked Ruin or Complex instead, but these are two solid maps. How can I complain about new content a year after release anyway?

On the other side of the fence, Call of Duty 3 has just gone gold. It will be on X360 next week, with Wii and PS3 versions to follow later this year. If you are a fan of Call of Duty 2, be prepared to watch your clan quickly dissolve. Anyone who wants more wartime shooing action will flock to CoD3, leaving owners of the launch day smash hit out in the cold. To extend the life of Call of Duty, you will have to shell out $60 for a new game.

I find this strategy very interesting. PDZ and CoD2 are very different from other shooters on the market. I didn't enjoy my time with CoD2, but I can't ignore its legion of fans. For people who enjoy the gameplay and scenarios in CoD2, there is no other game that can satiate that need. The same thing is present with PDZ. Some people had issues with it, but it is a very original title. When you tire of Desert and Jungle, there is no other FPS out there that can offer a similar experience.

My question is - why is Activision releasing a whole new game? There will always be a market for CoD2. Even if Gears of War takes the world by storm, there will be people who crave something different. There will be people who just want to kill Germans. So why wouldn't Activision release new content for the game already in people's homes instead of making people purchase an entirely new game? Why force gamers to shell out $60 when more than a million already own the first title? They could have taken their time, built a Call of Duty 3 from the ground up that takes advantage of these next generation consoles, and offered a steady steam of new content for CoD2 in the meantime.

With games costing so much money to develop and purchase, it makes sense that developers would try to make as much money as they can from each game they release. Rare is releasing a new version of PDZ. It is the Platinum Edition, one that includes the two new maps along with the four maps released earlier this year. For $20, people who have never experienced the game will be able to check out a huge game. PDZ can now be purchased to compliment other games. Check out this selling point: for only $20 you can buy a game that still has people playing online and is still being supporting by an eager developer. This is the way to build up mindshare in a product and a company. This is the way to make sure a game still sells well even after it has been sitting on some shelf for a few months. This is the way to build trust. I know that Rare will support their games even after the shiny wears off. I know that, when I buy Viva Pinata next week, I can look forward to new content some time next year. I don't have to worry about a new Pinata game coming out every year.

But Activision has taken a completely different stance. Instead of supporting their old games they are just making nominal sequels every year. What if someone buys an X360 next March? They will see a new CoD game has come out the last two years. If they are smart, they will just hold on to their $60 for a few more months. You know CoD4 will come out next November. You know Activision isn't going to support CoD3 for long. Heck, you know that every game receives a mere facelift from the previous version. By the time CoD4 comes out maybe they will finally iron out those game killing bugs from the past.

I'd rather spend $5 for some new maps than $60. But I may just be a crazy, cheap bastard. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there itching to throw out their copy of CoD2 so they can spend big bucks on a new version. You just won't find me waiting in line for another uninspired yearly sequel.

There is a simple design philosophy that has existed since the beginning of video games - adding a second player will always make the game more fun. It has been known as the Immutable Law of Cooperative Gaming and has held true for more than 25 years. The formula to design these cooperative games has stayed true since games were powerful enough to allow some sort of ultimate goal for two players to strive for. In all of these games, from the classic Bubble Bobble to the more recent Perfect Dark Zero, the game has been improved from the single player campaign almost solely because another character was added to spice things up. A person to throw jokes at while you casually go through the game. Bubble Bobble did not need wacky new play mechanics, it was just much more fun chasing after candy and blowing bubbles with another player. Sadly, I'm not sure this structure works anymore.

The Warriors is one of the most boring co-op games I have ever played. The "game" only exists as something from which jokes are created. Actually pushing buttons and moving the onscreen characters is not fun at all. It uses the same philosophy of most co-op games in existence - placing another player in the game with no changes to the actual gameplay - and expects people to find their own fun. But this doesn't work at all with The Warriors.

First, I have to talk a little about what makes The Warriors boring from a broad perspective. It is the game that preceded Bully; I should have enjoyed it, right? Bully wasn't fun because of the combat, though. It was fun because it was open-ended (did I mention you could kiss boys?), the story was interesting, and the gameplay was varied. Getting into the occasional fight was entertaining, but we're talking about extremely small doses here. The Warriors is all about the fighting and, frankly, it's not a very good combat engine. Bad combat could have been salvaged if the rest of the game was enjoyable. But The Warriors is as dark and drab as it gets. I know, a game built around teenage street gangs from the late 70s doesn't offer the most vibrant picture, but the setting of The Warriors is just a bum out. I only played the first few levels, but I only saw a dark ghetto. Talk about repetitive. The only thing I could make out of the enemies was some brief flashes of washed out colors. Every building looked just like an abandoned crack house. I couldn't see anything. It was dark and ugly.

And the characters were just as bad. Feathered hair and wanna be street toughs. Wow, not the kind of guys I can rally behind. Heck, it isn't even entertaining to make fun of them. It's like making fun of a kid with a pee stain on the front of his jeans. You make the obvious joke, everyone nods in agreement, and you can't think of anything else to say. The main character in The Warriors looks like Farrah Fawcett. Cue easy jokes and then... what?

The game just takes itself way too seriously. It's tough living in the 'hood, I get it. Why not have some fun with it? You've got this boring combat engine and a bleak setting and Rockstar just expects you to find fun. Where am I supposed to find it?

I will give some props to the fun mini games. You can rob people by grabbing them and pushing a button. From there, you have to find the vibrating point of a circle (just move the left stick until it vibrates) while the other person tries to wrestle free. This was pretty entertaining. You could also smash car windows and steal stereos. This was pretty fun. But the core of the game, and the only way to actually advance, was fighting and spray painting your lame "W" logo on walls, two decidedly unfun experiences. Scott and I just jumped through windows and beat up hobos until the game mercifully froze. We did make our own fun, as happens in any co-op game, but had extracted every ounce of it in only a couple hours with the game. That's it for fun - two hours of jumping through windows. We turned it off and starting playing Lemmings after that.

Are mindless co-op games obsolete? To some extent, I would say they are. First of all, every co-op game needs either solid gameplay or a goofy premise. Adventures of Cookies and Cream may have played only all right, but it took place in a wacky world. It was full of humor. More importantly, the game required two players. You would work together to solve puzzles. It did not just add a second player and expect you to find your own fun. The real fun in co-op games comes from actually working together with another person to pass a level. It sounds like such a simple concept but it rarely comes to fruition. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, for instance, just adds more players to the same, ten-year-old gameplay. It's fun because I can make it fun, but it is the same game when you play it alone.

Gears of War should still be amazing because it is built on solid gameplay. But I really expect more from developers. Why are we still playing mindless action titles that we wouldn't even fathom touching in single player? I love co-op games. I wish more developers would capitalize on this mostly untapped market. A bad co-op game may be more fun to play than a bad Japanese RPG, but it's still a bad game. With every next generation system connected to an online network and almost limitless power at willing developer's disposal, I expect co-op games to seriously improve in the coming years. Honestly, it can't get much worse than The Warriors.

Final Fantasy XII - I was looking through the release list just now as a joke. I knew Final Fantasy XII was coming out, but I wanted to see what publisher was ballsy enough to release a game on the same day. Believe it or not, there are actually a handful of games coming out this week. Who could possibly think it's a good idea to release a game against FFXII? It's like airing a new sitcom against the Super Bowl. There are 52 weeks in a year to release a game and some publisher thought this one, opposite what may be the best entry in the most popular franchise in the world, was just perfect for their little forgettable title. Can you imagine if you were working on one of these unfortunate games? You spent countless hours coding this horrid mess and then find out it's going against FFXII. Wow, sometimes the game industry is as cruel and malicious as real life.

I won't dirty this website with mention of those other games. For the first time in six years, I am actually excited for a new Final Fantasy. Square has really screwed things up this generation. They went back to their roots with FFIX. But since then, they keep messing with the Final Fantasy formula and it gets worse and worse. Why would they turn Final Fantasy into an MMORPG anyway? FF is a time sink as it is, but they turned it into a 500-hour/dollar investment. Come on guys, I have a life outside of Final Fantasy. Look at all the other games I still have to play.

Square isn't done messing with the FF formula yet, but FFXII seems really cool. It may just be the graphics, which are some of the best from the last generation, but FFXII just seems like the kind of RPG I could really get into. The combat has been completely revamped. Remember those horrible random battles that have plagued the genre forever? Square has finally eliminated those. Finally! Now the battles take place on the main screen. You can see enemies before you encounter them. If you choose to, you can turn tail and run. You know I love choices. There's also this gambit system that seems to eliminate much of the tedium associated with turn-based battles. You can set up requirements for your party members, telling them when to heal and when to attack, so battles are much more streamlined than in the past. So the focus of the game is back on the characters, story and exploration. These are the elements that make JRPGs worth playing.

The sad thing is, I am not going to be able to play this anytime soon. This is another 60-hour epic quest, and it's just really hard finding time to play something like this when I have to work every day. But I will find time. After the glow of Gears of War dims and I realize the Wii is a gimmick, there will be FFXII waiting for me.