G-pinions

Apparently, monkeys are the secret sauce of the video games world. Sure, they stink a little and are really bad for your health, but add a little to a normally bland game (or burger patty) and you have yourself a game (meal) worth talking about. Ape Escape 2, the sequel to the first ever monkey catching simulation, is pretty much identical to the original, only this time around there are even more monkeys and monkey related paraphernalia. This game does skew towards a decidedly younger audience than those with violent murders and blood lettings, but if you’re as sick of needless violence as I am, this is the perfect palate cleanser.

So what makes this game so amazing? Well, it certainly isn’t the graphics, which, through my rose colored beer goggles, are exactly how PSX games used to look. The control also leaves a lot to be desired with an iffy double jump move and a horrible camera system (there is no system). Oh, and the game is easy even for the most “Did I say mildly? I meant wildly” retarded of young children.

The developers realized they were not dealing with a technically “great” game though, and just ran with the fantastic idea of trampling around a coloring book world capturing monkeys with your monkey catching net. Oh don’t think that’s the only device at your disposal. The game gives you a limitless variety (ten or so…) of different gadgets to capture the horrible little primates with a penchant for monkey mischief. Sure, only half of them are actually fun to use (the helicopter would be loads more fun if I could use it as a horizontal whacking tool), but the half that are worthwhile are sadistic sex in digital form.

Take, for example, the stun club. Such a simple object - looking more like a neon blue light saber than a weapon of brutality - but with it comes great joy. Sure, it is fun watching monkeys do their monkey thing, but it’s even more fun to whack them with the stick until they lay still, stretched out and in obvious pain, on the cold, uncaring ground. And if they get up again, which they most definitely will, you can whack them again and again! The best things in life are free. And they involve hitting monkeys with sticks.

Later in the game, your stick of monkey pain gets set aside as you acquire the punching glove. Those that think sticks are more powerful than gloves have never seen a monkey get knocked out with just one punch from a glove – a feat that would take a half dozen whacks from the stick.

And then there’s the RC Car, which you can use to run over a careless monkey's foot. When they are taking part in the one legged pain dance, grasping their flattened foot with their monkey hands, you can run up and whack them with a stick! The game urges you to put the monkeys out of their misery by capturing them with your net. That’s not nearly as much fun as pegging them a few times with an explosive shell from your slingshot before storing them safely in your nylon death trap.

The game is not just for sadistic, monkey hating bastards like me, though. The game uses the useless coins found in most platform games as actual cash money. For every 10 you collect there is a junk ball machine that will reward you with great prizes. Present in the machine are all kinds of rewards – from one ups to game hints and upgrades to your RC Car to Monkey Fables.

What’s a Monkey Fable you say? Glad you asked. Permit me to recite a favorite of mine:

“The Monkey Who Cried Jimmy

A long, long time ago there lived a monkey who told lies all the time. He was such a terrible liar that all the monkeys in the town ceased to trust anything that he said. One day, he was busy lying, just as he always did, when he spotted Jimmy thundering towards the town. He tried his best to warn everyone: “Jimmy is coming! Jimmy is coming!”

But not matter how much he shouted and screamed, not a soul listened. So he had no choice but to run from the town by himself. Every last monkey was captured by Jimmy, and the town was finished. The liar monkey lived out his years comfortably in a far away town.

The End”

See that? Genius!

The game isn’t short either. It took me, arguably the greatest monkey capturer of all time, 12:46 to catch all 300 monkeys and defeat the head monkey. But, the game is even longer than that. To finish 100% of the game, you need to defeat all 20 levels in a time trial. Only a gold will get you those pesky extra percentage points. And, there are over 20 fables to unlock, as well as a variety of very Japanese-y comics and other monkey related things.

As you know, video games were originally intended for monkey trainers to perfect their monkey catching skills in their homes before attempting to catch the real thing. With this in mind, and considering that Ape Escape 2 is the best monkey catching game out there, I can safely say that AE2 is the best video game ever.