G-pinions

Well, I know that I'm way late on both of these issues - most of these games are out now, in fact. Regardless, I played them to talk about them, so here you go:

Issue 86 Demos:

Dukes of Hazzard: Return of the General Lee - Pretty fun, actually. I'm not sure if I'm too young or too not-an-idiot to have watched the show when it was on, but it somehow works decently well in videogame form. Sure, the speed, controls and actual gameplay are decades behind Burnout and the like, but it's fun to run from the cops down dirt roads and hit the "yee-haw!" button non-stop (yes, it has its own button, just for kicks). Good cut-scenes and voice acting too (I assume on par with the show if that's saying anything). I'd never buy it in my wildest dreams, but it's not pure crap like I was expecting.

Fairly Oddparents: Shadow Showdown - Not that many console games seem to be made purely for kids these days - there's always some snide humor, phallo-centric weapons or shiny, shiny graphics to keep adults mildly entertained as well. This game however, is just for kids. You explore the levels and collect keys, and you can't even really attack bad guys. Just kind of run into them until they die. Anyhow, if you're old enough to comprehend what I'm writing here you're probably too old to ever enjoy this. Ever.

The Incredibles - The demo level is lots of fun, and looks damn good while doing so. It's too bad a glitch got me stuck in an elevator so I couldn't finish it. I'll probably pick this game up one day when it's down to $5, just to relive the awesomeness that is the movie. I assume the final game is way too short and that only half of the characters are fun to play as, but I can vouch for the demo at least :-)

Jak 3 - Finally, something worth talking about. It's hard to judge Jak fairly now, being such a huge Ratchet & Clank fan, and especially hard since I'm currently playing Up Your Arsenal. I really enjoyed the first Jak game, and played through most of the second one despite the sometimes soul-crushing difficulty spikes. It's definitely got a wonderful presentation and story going for it, and that's not lost in the third game; it's just that....well, the actual gameplay isn't half as fun as R&C. They're impossible not to compare. It still controls well and is one of the best-looking games on any system, but beyond the characters and gameplay variety there's not much to care about. The levels can quickly get monotonous, the move set feels limited even with the light and dark powers, and the targeting can be iffy. They've just never struck the right balance of platformer and shooter, and keep striving for some unattainable middle-ground that apparently doesn't exist. It just feels like an obsolete series now with such crushing competition, though I'm sure many would argue. Try before you buy.

Killzone - Without any hype behind it, this game would have been critically adored, I just know it. I've talked about it previously so I won't get into it again, but it's a fun FPS with some great visual design. Damn the nay-sayers.

King Arthur - I was shocked at how decent this was (based on two levels) after reading some horrendous reviews. Well, decent to bad, but far from awful. The whole riding a horse mechanic is thrillsville, complete with blur-effect speed charge and man-trampling skills. The on-foot level felt a lot like LOTR, only with characters I don't give a shit about and even more repetitive tasks to accomplish (kill them! then...kill them!). I'd rather just give the real Clive Owen a foot massage (*sigh*, that dreamboat...).

Spyro: A Hero's Tail - I loved the first two Spyro games on PS1 - lame art design, but fantastic level design and lots of quality platforming saved them. So without either of the latter, which Insomniac took with them when they left, you're left with a boring game with even more boring art design. They've obviously realized they'll never get the main game right again and have added a bunch of other playable characters to compensate (the flying penguin level is actually pretty sweet), but it just makes me miss the quality of the original. Weak.

Suikoden IV - I can totally see the appeal of the previous games in the series from what little I've played, but man I hated this demo. I just utterly despise the look of the game. Every human character looks so bland and typical, and the one non-human in the demo is a fucking cat in a sports jacket. So. Fucking. Lame. What's the point of being able to get 108 people in your party if they're all completely uninteresting? It also plays just like every other RPG based on my fifteen minutes or so (I know, not nearly enough to judge), only with much assier graphics. I'm sure fanboys will eat it up, but it's just REALLY not my thing.

Under the Skin - Sometimes games need to stay the fuck in Japan. I'm all for whimsy and oddness (or Engrish), but this bored me to death after about fifteen seconds. You run around earth annoying, tricking or scaring people into coughing up (I can only assume) delicious, addictive coins, usually by putting dogs near them or disguising yourself as one of them. In fact, it's even lamer than that description and I can't even explain how. It's just an exercise in wasting your life, and should be avoided at all costs. Damn you Capcom, you don't need this crap.

Issue 87 Demos:

ATV Offroad Fury 3 - As 'good' as this series is, I kind of wish it had died off after the second game. This newest one controls well, looks good, and is fairly fun, but doesn't offer anything new to the series. Continually honing a good idea can be fine, but not in such a limited setting as ATV racing. I just ended up saying "fuck the race" and finding new and inventive ways to throw my driver to his death.

Champions: Return to Arms - Man, I forgot how much I love this series. The first game (Norrath) was the only game, ever, that I've picked right back up immediately after finishing it and started all over again. It helps that I played it co-op the whole way through with Tom, but it's still a fun game by yourself. You know that feeling of exploration/reward you have when finding a new weapon or ball upgrade in Metroid? That's in Norrath too, only constantly. Hopping over to your inventory screen to see what kind of axe fell out of that boar when you killed it is half the fun. Anyhow, this sequel looks even better, if that's possible, and feels just as fun to play. I'm glad they didn't mess with the interfaces too much, and the new race they give you to play as (I call him man-tiger) is tits. I'm pretty sure this is currently coming out in February, and you'd best believe Thompson and I will be exploring every last cavern (whether he knows it or not).

Megaman X8 - Three-dimensional side-scrolling can certainly work (see: Klonoa 2), but it looks and plays like ass in this demo. The Megaman controls have never been exact, but when you have complex character models there's just a certain level of believable moment you come to expect. Everything feels sloppy and imprecise, and it's just not fun.

MTV Music Generator 3 - Y'know, I just didn't play this. I'm sure it's fun, I'm sure it's decently powerful, but if I'm going to spend my time messing with loops and samples I'd rather just hop on to Garageband.

Prince of Persia: Warrior Within - Didn't play this either, but not for the same reason. I just don't want to play any of it until I can rent it and play through all of it. With Tom, no less. It's tempting, of course, but the relatively lukewarm reviews have helped me stave off the urges. I'm sure there's still a fabulous game under all that badditude, and I aim to find it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Battle Nexus - Ha! This is a game....that's hilarious. So. Bad. I can't even tell if it's better than the first one because both are next to unplayable. This is such a cool, unique franchise, how can they bear to botch the game so badly? Everything is just ultra-lame. The guys you fight, the moves you have (since when was the turtles' best attack a rushing shoulder-thrust?), the waaaaaaaay-too-pulled-out camera, and yes, the sound effects and voices. Again. When my Leonardo picks up throwing stars, he says "Thought I was only good with a sword? Wrong again!", simultaneously insulting my knowledge of the turtles and implying I was wrong about some asinine assumption previously. Arguably my favorite line ever in a videogame, yeah, but not for positive reasons. Suck.