Saturday, January 01, 2005
New year, same crap
Though I said on this site last week "I won't buy any more games from now until March" I did buy three more games yesterday. But, that was because Nick had already purchased them for me at Circuit City a few weeks earlier. So while some people may say I went back on my word by finally giving him the cash I owed him yesterday, to that I say you are all fools. But now everything works out perfectly. I got three new games on December 31 and now that the New Year has strolled on by, I won't be buying any new games for a few months. Works much better having a nice, happy date like January 1st rather than some arbitrary December or Smarch day that no one will remember anyway. So, to commemorate my new found freeness from the constant worry of having to buy every new game that comes out, combined with this fancy new shirt I now wield (like a can of soup) I present to you a list of the top 10 reasons I am looking forward to Jade Empire. In keeping with G-Pinions tradition, I didn't do any actual research to prepare for this. And I haven't ready anything about the game since, oh, May of last year. My theory is, if you are already going to buy a game, why read about and subsequently ruin every little detail? Also, my naive readers will follow me down whatever cave I point them towards anyway. On with the show!
10) Setting
Ok, I'm not actually a huge fan of ancient China. It's so free of technology and Americans I just want to scream! Scream and throw paper airplanes with brave mice wearing goggles going down as the kamikaze pilots (leave it to me to throw a Japanese analogy into my paragraph about ancient China). Anyway, ancient China is the setting of such craptacular novels as... that one... I was supposed to read for Asian History a few years back... if I can't remember the name these past few sentences will stand as a testament to my ever receding memory brain. But, while I may not be enamored with the time and place of this latest awesome adventure, it does have one thing going for it - it's original. There is not one game in my library which takes place in ancient China. In fact, I can't think of any game, ever, that takes place there. I bet there are all kinds of cool story ideas and gameplay potential that will be opened up with this fancy new world. And, yes, I just referred to ancient China as new. Send any complaints by way of Nick.
9) Real-Time Combat
I have a feeling I'm going to have to string this list out a little towards the end, so I'm just going to talk about the real-time aspect of the combat here. None of the other drool worthy aspects of the fighting system will make their way into number nine. As much as I love RPGs, it can be tiresome trudging through turn-based battle after turn-based battle for more than 40 hours. Sure, some games, like Chrono Trigger, have such amazing battle systems you really don't mind the constant fighting. And others, like Knights of the Old Republic, let you be a bad-ass Jedi. Who could possibly find any problems with a game that lets you have a choice of wielding two separate lightsabers or one dual-ended lightsaber? That's the kind of choice I wouldn't mind tackling in real life. But, even with the awesomeness other RPGs offer, a game that can combine a great story with great, action-oriented combat would be second to no one. Not Churchill. Not Mao. No one. I just better make sure I play through KotOR II, Paper Mario 2 and Final Fantasy 2 (and any other sequel you can throw my way) long before March roles around or I may find my catlike reflexes dulled to narwhal or, fear of fears, mere sloth-like levels.
8) Graphics
Of all the things I can be called a whore of, graphics are not one of them. On any list chronicling the various things I am a whore of, graphics would be somewhere between ice and top hats. But I am still human. I recognize beauty it all its forms, and there is a poop load of beauty in Jade Empire. Have you seen the graphics? It makes Knights of the Old Republic look like some hot lady's diarrhea. Everything is so lush and vibrant, I just want to grab a piece of that bamboo and curl up with a nice, warm panda bear. If I wasn't trying to cut swearing out of my vocabulary, I would tell that hussy Fable to stick something round and hard up a sensitive area. Everything looks like crap when you compare it to Jade Empire! Jade Empire will combine the sheer technical proclivity of The Sands of Time with the raw graphical power of Conker's Bad Fur Day: Online and Ultra Fury. There is something to be said for allowing artists a blank slate with no restrictions. Jade Empire will prove that every ounce of power Microsoft squeezed into the Xbox was well worth it.
7) Mini-Games
This really shouldn't be ahead of graphics, but I refuse to actually cut and paste this column. Don't worry; I have my top three already decided. No skimping on quality for that part of the post. As for the main mini-game in question, I'm not sure if it will actually turn out to be a good thing or not - but the potentially is certainly there. Apparently, when you travel from one place (county? back road? castle? I don't know much about this game...) to another you go by way of flying ship. This leads to a pretty awesome looking mini-game. Sort of like an update to 1941 by Capcom on the good ol' NES. Simple, yes, but oh so rewarding. I love flying and bombing enemies in the comfort of my two-dimensional world. I figure these action areas, combined with the already kickass real-time combat system, will make this game both the second greatest RPG ever (nothing can top Chrono Trigger) and the best action game ever (a category so vague no game currently holds the top spot in my world).
6) Shirt
Laugh if you must, but this T-Shirt is the coolest thing ever. And when Jade Empire comes out and all the kids are drooling at its unparalleled awesomeness, they will look to me, the wearer of the shirt, to guide them. This shirt is guaranteed to make others see me as the hero I truly am. No longer will I need to pay full price for my dry cleaning, or get on my hands and knees when I beg for dates. This shirt, provided I keep it lemony fresh, will be the key to the doors currently locked from me.
5) Jade
Do you really think it's a coincidence this game is called Jade Empire? They could have chosen any name. They could have even made up a name. But no, they chose Jade. A name which just so happens to be shared by the amazing lead character of Beyond Good & Evil. Since BG&E is one of the top games made this generation, you can be assured that Bioware got their hands on it. Clearly, using Jade in the title of their soon-to-be Best Game Released This Generation is an homage to the best heroine.... ever.
4) Choice
By now, the ability to choose your own path through an RPG has been done to death. I mean, there was already Knights of the Old Republic, and Fable... and I'm sure there have been others. Regardless of how many titles actually allow this, the feature has been done before. But this hardly makes it any less tasty. Just like jumping on enemies heads has been the predominant way of disposing of evil since the way back generation yet it was still a blast in Alien Hominid, Jade Empire will prove that reworking and perfecting features in previous titles is the only way to ultimately create the best game ever. As much as the open ended nature of gaming scares me, being able to choose whether I'm the hero or the anti-hero is just far too interesting for me to pass up. It shows me that, while many favor a life of goodwill and virtue, there are certain amenities the dark side offers. Or have you not read my review of Knights of the Old Republic?
Segue!
3) Bioware
Once again, if I was in the swearing mood, you would see a big expletive right between the O and W. I think they earned that respect. It is rare that a company is able to produce only one console title, and a licensed one at that, and yet somehow vault their way towards the very top of my favorite developers list. Though KotOR will surely only get worse with age as more RPGs with the moral structure are released, and maybe even better Star Wars RPGs, it was so amazing for its time I will never forget my time playing it. Just like Rare, EAD and the rest of my favorite developers, Bioware has earned my respect and dollars until they prove they cannot be trusted.
3) Fighting
I already mentioned the real-time combat system up around the top, number eight or nine I think, but didn't even touch on what Bioware has in store for us. This may very well be the most complex real-time combat system every implemented on a home console, outside of fighting games of course. At the touch of a button, you can completely change your fighting style, use magic powers, or even morph into various deadly creatures. This game has the same number of moves, if not more, than your typical, turn-based RPG, but somehow is able to let you pull them off real-time. Imagine this senario: you fight some drunken Chinese guy with mostly punches and kicks. For some reason, he refuses to bow to your might. So you do what any good warrior would do and freeze him cold with a burst of Chi. Then you whip out your trusty nunchucks, whipping his frozen ass with your wood. From there, you transform into some sort of lizard beast and squish him into the hard ground. Has there ever been anything as cool as that? In any video game? I think not.
2) Music
I miscounted so I'm sticking music in at number two, though clearly this is way too high up. Anyway, I'm sure the music will be really good. I mean, I don't really remember the music from KotOR at all, but I'm sure it was great. If everything else was great, why wouldn't the music be as well? It's like Superman not having super humor. If the yellow sun made everything about him "super" why wouldn't he be super funny as well? Now that I've ripped off Seinfeld and disgraced G-Pinions in one swift blow, I'll move on to number 1.
1) You Get To Be a Woman
Come on, what else did you think would go up here? Every game should give you the option of being a woman. Yes, Madden, I'm looking in your direction. I know everyone thinks I'm a weirdo because I was a chick in KotOR, and then I was that hot Viking girl in Champions of Norrath, and will be a kickass Asian woman in Jade Empire, but it's just so much fun. There are so few games released that actually let you play as a women. It's refreshing to find one even if it is merely an option. And don't forget that most video game heroines are overly busty, fantasy women. It's nice having a relatively normal woman, like whatever girl I end up being in Jade Empire, or the always welcome Jade from Beyond Good and Evil. I know there would be a lot of differences if more women played video games, but I'm sure the biggest difference would be more female heroines.
Only about 90 more days until release.
10) Setting
Ok, I'm not actually a huge fan of ancient China. It's so free of technology and Americans I just want to scream! Scream and throw paper airplanes with brave mice wearing goggles going down as the kamikaze pilots (leave it to me to throw a Japanese analogy into my paragraph about ancient China). Anyway, ancient China is the setting of such craptacular novels as... that one... I was supposed to read for Asian History a few years back... if I can't remember the name these past few sentences will stand as a testament to my ever receding memory brain. But, while I may not be enamored with the time and place of this latest awesome adventure, it does have one thing going for it - it's original. There is not one game in my library which takes place in ancient China. In fact, I can't think of any game, ever, that takes place there. I bet there are all kinds of cool story ideas and gameplay potential that will be opened up with this fancy new world. And, yes, I just referred to ancient China as new. Send any complaints by way of Nick.
9) Real-Time Combat
I have a feeling I'm going to have to string this list out a little towards the end, so I'm just going to talk about the real-time aspect of the combat here. None of the other drool worthy aspects of the fighting system will make their way into number nine. As much as I love RPGs, it can be tiresome trudging through turn-based battle after turn-based battle for more than 40 hours. Sure, some games, like Chrono Trigger, have such amazing battle systems you really don't mind the constant fighting. And others, like Knights of the Old Republic, let you be a bad-ass Jedi. Who could possibly find any problems with a game that lets you have a choice of wielding two separate lightsabers or one dual-ended lightsaber? That's the kind of choice I wouldn't mind tackling in real life. But, even with the awesomeness other RPGs offer, a game that can combine a great story with great, action-oriented combat would be second to no one. Not Churchill. Not Mao. No one. I just better make sure I play through KotOR II, Paper Mario 2 and Final Fantasy 2 (and any other sequel you can throw my way) long before March roles around or I may find my catlike reflexes dulled to narwhal or, fear of fears, mere sloth-like levels.
8) Graphics
Of all the things I can be called a whore of, graphics are not one of them. On any list chronicling the various things I am a whore of, graphics would be somewhere between ice and top hats. But I am still human. I recognize beauty it all its forms, and there is a poop load of beauty in Jade Empire. Have you seen the graphics? It makes Knights of the Old Republic look like some hot lady's diarrhea. Everything is so lush and vibrant, I just want to grab a piece of that bamboo and curl up with a nice, warm panda bear. If I wasn't trying to cut swearing out of my vocabulary, I would tell that hussy Fable to stick something round and hard up a sensitive area. Everything looks like crap when you compare it to Jade Empire! Jade Empire will combine the sheer technical proclivity of The Sands of Time with the raw graphical power of Conker's Bad Fur Day: Online and Ultra Fury. There is something to be said for allowing artists a blank slate with no restrictions. Jade Empire will prove that every ounce of power Microsoft squeezed into the Xbox was well worth it.
7) Mini-Games
This really shouldn't be ahead of graphics, but I refuse to actually cut and paste this column. Don't worry; I have my top three already decided. No skimping on quality for that part of the post. As for the main mini-game in question, I'm not sure if it will actually turn out to be a good thing or not - but the potentially is certainly there. Apparently, when you travel from one place (county? back road? castle? I don't know much about this game...) to another you go by way of flying ship. This leads to a pretty awesome looking mini-game. Sort of like an update to 1941 by Capcom on the good ol' NES. Simple, yes, but oh so rewarding. I love flying and bombing enemies in the comfort of my two-dimensional world. I figure these action areas, combined with the already kickass real-time combat system, will make this game both the second greatest RPG ever (nothing can top Chrono Trigger) and the best action game ever (a category so vague no game currently holds the top spot in my world).
6) Shirt
Laugh if you must, but this T-Shirt is the coolest thing ever. And when Jade Empire comes out and all the kids are drooling at its unparalleled awesomeness, they will look to me, the wearer of the shirt, to guide them. This shirt is guaranteed to make others see me as the hero I truly am. No longer will I need to pay full price for my dry cleaning, or get on my hands and knees when I beg for dates. This shirt, provided I keep it lemony fresh, will be the key to the doors currently locked from me.
5) Jade
Do you really think it's a coincidence this game is called Jade Empire? They could have chosen any name. They could have even made up a name. But no, they chose Jade. A name which just so happens to be shared by the amazing lead character of Beyond Good & Evil. Since BG&E is one of the top games made this generation, you can be assured that Bioware got their hands on it. Clearly, using Jade in the title of their soon-to-be Best Game Released This Generation is an homage to the best heroine.... ever.
4) Choice
By now, the ability to choose your own path through an RPG has been done to death. I mean, there was already Knights of the Old Republic, and Fable... and I'm sure there have been others. Regardless of how many titles actually allow this, the feature has been done before. But this hardly makes it any less tasty. Just like jumping on enemies heads has been the predominant way of disposing of evil since the way back generation yet it was still a blast in Alien Hominid, Jade Empire will prove that reworking and perfecting features in previous titles is the only way to ultimately create the best game ever. As much as the open ended nature of gaming scares me, being able to choose whether I'm the hero or the anti-hero is just far too interesting for me to pass up. It shows me that, while many favor a life of goodwill and virtue, there are certain amenities the dark side offers. Or have you not read my review of Knights of the Old Republic?
Segue!
3) Bioware
Once again, if I was in the swearing mood, you would see a big expletive right between the O and W. I think they earned that respect. It is rare that a company is able to produce only one console title, and a licensed one at that, and yet somehow vault their way towards the very top of my favorite developers list. Though KotOR will surely only get worse with age as more RPGs with the moral structure are released, and maybe even better Star Wars RPGs, it was so amazing for its time I will never forget my time playing it. Just like Rare, EAD and the rest of my favorite developers, Bioware has earned my respect and dollars until they prove they cannot be trusted.
3) Fighting
I already mentioned the real-time combat system up around the top, number eight or nine I think, but didn't even touch on what Bioware has in store for us. This may very well be the most complex real-time combat system every implemented on a home console, outside of fighting games of course. At the touch of a button, you can completely change your fighting style, use magic powers, or even morph into various deadly creatures. This game has the same number of moves, if not more, than your typical, turn-based RPG, but somehow is able to let you pull them off real-time. Imagine this senario: you fight some drunken Chinese guy with mostly punches and kicks. For some reason, he refuses to bow to your might. So you do what any good warrior would do and freeze him cold with a burst of Chi. Then you whip out your trusty nunchucks, whipping his frozen ass with your wood. From there, you transform into some sort of lizard beast and squish him into the hard ground. Has there ever been anything as cool as that? In any video game? I think not.
2) Music
I miscounted so I'm sticking music in at number two, though clearly this is way too high up. Anyway, I'm sure the music will be really good. I mean, I don't really remember the music from KotOR at all, but I'm sure it was great. If everything else was great, why wouldn't the music be as well? It's like Superman not having super humor. If the yellow sun made everything about him "super" why wouldn't he be super funny as well? Now that I've ripped off Seinfeld and disgraced G-Pinions in one swift blow, I'll move on to number 1.
1) You Get To Be a Woman
Come on, what else did you think would go up here? Every game should give you the option of being a woman. Yes, Madden, I'm looking in your direction. I know everyone thinks I'm a weirdo because I was a chick in KotOR, and then I was that hot Viking girl in Champions of Norrath, and will be a kickass Asian woman in Jade Empire, but it's just so much fun. There are so few games released that actually let you play as a women. It's refreshing to find one even if it is merely an option. And don't forget that most video game heroines are overly busty, fantasy women. It's nice having a relatively normal woman, like whatever girl I end up being in Jade Empire, or the always welcome Jade from Beyond Good and Evil. I know there would be a lot of differences if more women played video games, but I'm sure the biggest difference would be more female heroines.
Only about 90 more days until release.
// posted by Tom @ 6:02 PM 
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