G-pinions

As this site is clearly an advocate of cougar kind, I feel I have some responsibility to ensure that our readers know what to do if they ever encounter a cougar in the wild. You should know that the situation listed below is one of necessity. Do not actively try to find a cougar to test my advise.

If you are ever in a park playing Frisbee with a friend and you see a cougar sprinting towards you, you are going to need some fast reflexes, sharp thinking and a lot of luck. With nowhere to hide and no chance of out running the bloodthirsty beast, you have only one option - you need to train the wild animal or die trying.

The first thing, and by far the most important, that you need to do is establish trust in the animal. Like most id centric carnivores, the main concern of a cougar is where its next meal will come from. Therefore, if you can offer it something to fill up its belly maybe, just maybe, it will begin to trust you.

So, the first step to training a wild cougar racing towards you and your friend in a park is to attack your friend. Actually, the first step should be a quick apology or farewell if you have time. But, you must attack your friend as soon as possible. Cougars are a meat-eating mammal and only the freshest, purest meat will satisfy them. It does not matter that you have hamburgers and hot dogs cooking on a nearby barbecue, your friend's meat will be the most appealing to a hungry cougar.

If you have some sort of weapon, like a hard rock or stick, feel free to bludgeon your friend with it. Barring that, simply tackle your friend to the ground and attempt to beat him about the head and chest.

As most people cannot kill another person, especially a friend, in the minute or less it would take for a charging cougar to reach you, your immediate goal should be to gain the upper hand. If a cougar reaches you while you are still fighting with your friend, one of two things will occur. First, though least likely, the cougar will simply watch the fight. Cougars are a social animal and actually take pleasure in watching other cougars or entirely different species fight. If a cougar has reached you and has not yet attacked, assume that it will circle the fight until a victor has emerged.

As social as cougars are, however, they enjoy getting in fights more than they enjoy watching them. Therefore, it is even more likely the cougar will join in the fray. This is why it is so important to establish dominance as quickly as possible. As much as cougars like to fight, they hate losing. Oftentimes in the wild you will see multiple cougars team up in a fight so they will not be on the losing end. Because of this, a cougar will team up with whoever is currently winning. If your friend is on his back, covering his head with his hands as you continue to strike him with your fists, the cougar will recognize your dominance and help you defeat your buddy. If, however, you are on your back or your friend is making the fight even in any way, the cougar could very well be confused and join your friend's side.

Assuming you win the fight, you must show the cougar not only that you are pleased to
see him but that you consider him your new friend. Do this by offering the cougar a piece of your formerly living friend as a gift. An arm is the easiest appendage to remove, but if you notice the cougar eyeing your friend's buttocks or thigh, be sure to tear off a chunk and hand it to the eager cougar. Remember that if you chose wrong, the cougar might get angry and simply kill you as well, giving him two freshly killed bodies to feast on.

If you correctly selected the part of your dead friend's body the cougar most wanted, he should begin to eat. Do not relax just yet - you are still his enemy. You might notice he will not take his eyes off of you as he chews down to the bone. Do not make any sudden movements now; it is best not to upset a cougar while it is still hungry. You can move slowly, though, so use this opportunity to remove another body part. You may not end up giving him this piece, but it is good to have some backup food because a cougar can have a hunger attack at any time.

Now that the cougar is fed it is time to get down to business. His razor sharp reflexes will be slightly dulled after consumption of raw meat, but do not let him lull you into lowering your guard. He is still quite capable of striking at this point, so avoid any sudden movement or loud sounds.

What you need to do is approach the cougar as slowly and deliberately as possible. Chances are this will displease him and he will let you know by snarling or even swiping at you with his paw. Do not back down. While feeding them is one way to gain their trust and respect, if you show fear in front of them they are likely to get mad and possibly even eat you. So watch out.

At this point, if your friend is wearing shoes, remove one. You need to hold something that can reach the cougar without you needing to risk an arm trying to touch it. Now, using the shoe to keep his teeth away from you, get as close to the animal as it will allow. It will not appreciate you getting so near to it so use the shoe to fend off any attacks. If the cougar gets too vicious, simply toss it another part of your friend to keep it happy.

When you are walking towards the animal, try to appear as large as possible. Stand as tall as you can and spread your arms out like wings to increase your girth. If you have a jacket, make sure you spread that as you stretch your arms. Cougars are much less likely to attack an animal that is larger than it is, especially if it is all alone. Use your size and intelligence to your advantage.

If you can stay close to the animal without it constantly trying to attack you, you are well on your way to success. At this point in your cougar training you should still be more concerned with your safety than actually training the cougar. The only command you really need it to know is to not kill you. However, even if you can stand next to it with nary a hiss, you still might be in for some danger if you attempt to walk away later.

To have any confidence in turning your back to a cougar, you must get it in a playful and happy mood before you leave. As it already trusts you enough to let you stand next it, it should be more than willing to accept more food from you. If you do have burgers or other food, feel free to use it now. If not, your friend is still lying on the ground and has no use for his body anymore.

Simply toss small pieces of meat about 10 to 15 feet away. The cougar, whose belly is never quite full, should race after the meat and quickly wolf it down. Repeat the step a few times, slowly increasing your throwing distance. After a number of throws, usually around ten, the cougar should have calmed down a little. At this point the cougar is likely to turn and walk away from you giving you a chance to finally leave. If, however, he is still hungry, he will make his way to your friend and continue to eat. Either way, he is essentially telling you that you are free to go.

If you want to train the cougar to be somewhat of a pet to impress your living friends, follow the method diagrammed above. However, you will need to repeat the steps quite often. Unlike a dog, a cougar will not become domesticated. Do not believe you can train it to lie down or shake hands. They are wild animals and should be treated with caution. However, if you can get the cougar to trust you, by feeding it and standing close to it and generally letting it get used to your presence, it will learn to not attack you or your friends.