G-pinions

So here I am, back from Boston, belly full of seafood and heart full of anti-Yankees sentiments. And mind full of Kaiju. I'm glad to see Tom kept the fine tradition that is this site going in my absence, but fear not, for all arguments will once again have another side thanks to my return. On to the post!

I actually managed to get a good deal of gaming done while on vacation, perhaps even as much as I would have done lying around this god-forsaken city. This is mostly due to the fact that everything in Boston closes at like 11, so we had little to do at night. The dorm was also well equipped, with a sleek TV, an X-Box, Gamecube, and a broken PS2. And great guys that dig video games. I forget if I mentioned it, but I bought Breakdown the other week at an unadvertised sale at Target ($20), despite my lack of an X-Box (soon, soon). So I brought it with me on my trip, and played a good three or four hours of it. Let me say right off, it is like no other game. Just as Tom mentioned that Metroid Prime isn't really an FPS, it's Metroid in 3D, Breakdown isn't really an FPS. I'm not quite clear what it is, but it doesn't feel right dropping it into such a typical category. The whole thing of seeing your limbs on screen most of the time, and using them to punch and kick and drink soda and climb ledges, the selling point of this game, is actually super well-done. And the entire game, including cutscenes, is done this way. Near the beginning of the game, you vomit into a toilet. Talk about immersive. The animations for it are done really nicely; when you open a door, you reach out, grab the handle, and kinda lean into it, the way you would open a real door (as opposed to letting it swing open while you stand there, then walking through). You gain health by drinking soda (which you see onscreen, as your put it up to your lips), and eating ration bars and hamburgers (same thing, you take bites out of them). You actually pull your flak jacket over your head, instead of just hearing a zipper sound and seeing on your HUD that you can take more damage. You also have some crazy moves that work better than you’d expect from this perspective, like a backflip and a side roll. The resulting effects are convincing and actually useful. The first boss picked me up by my neck, slammed me up against a window, and knocked me to me feet before smashing up and away through the ceiling. It's all super-immersive, and strangely effective in holding your interest.

Now, it's not all good. Far from it. I'm sure I'll finish the game (after restarting, because my save is on an X-Box a plane ride away), but there are several issues that almost ruin the insane amount of creativity and coolness going on. First off, the controls. There's really no reason why a FPS (for argument's sake, I stand by my non-classification) in this day and age shouldn't have perfect controls. One stick for movement, one for looking, inverted. That's it. Adjust sensitivity as desired. But the control in Breakdown just blows. I'd love to be able to blame the awful, non-symmetrical X-Box pad, with it's janky analog control and badly-placed jelly-bean buttons, but I have to lay this one on the designers. The movement is always slow and somewhat unresponsive, and the look is either slow as well or way to erratic (I tried every damn control setting available). Then there are just some bad design choices - block (which looks cool, crossing your super-powered hands out in front of you) is mapped to the button in the left analog stick (L2 on X-Box?), so, as you would imagine, moving while blocking is a bitch. As it auto-targeting, having it either lock on or not when you start shooting/punching, and stay locked on until you hit 'A'. It's just frustrating, and ruins some potentially tense moments. Well, I guess they're still tense, but more in a "Will my controls work or won't they?!!??" kind of way. Another problem I have, though not nearly as potentially game ruiningly evil, is the level design. It's cool that the game is Japanese-made (they don't make many FPSs), but it's obviously made very differently from anything here, and I think that the quality isn't quite up to our standards, seeing as we goddamn own the genre. The levels are fairly repetitive so far, and not laid out naturally at all. It's nice that a lot of parts cater to the game's hands gimmick, but they could have been even better. Overall, I'm happy with the game, and will surely defeat it in time, but I can't handle bad controls, especially when the game is supposed to be emulating the complexities of human movement. Quite the awesome concept though.

Another game I put a good amount of hours into whilst away was Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Tides of War. One of the guys I was staying with picked it up while I was there, and I knew that the game had gotten pretty great reviews when it came out a while ago, so Matt (my host) and I decided to play it through co-op. A good way to kill a couple hours at a time throughout my stay, we naively figured. Little did we know, the designers of said game made the INEXPLICABLY RETARDED decision to not let you save during co-op play. At all. Wanting people to get the most time possible out of your game is fine, but not being able to save is just fucking stupid. We were already a couple of levels in at that stage, and decided that we were gonna take it all the way. Go through it in one session, that is. It took us two (left the game paused overnight), but we did it, in something like seven hours.

So how's the game? Meh. I mean, almost anything is fun co-op, but as an FPS, and the sequel to the game that started the whole damn genre, it was painfully average. Mostly boring levels (castles, caves, labs, and a couple outdoor levels), typical weapons (two or three guns that you end up using almost exclusively, cool-looking but crappy flamethrower), silly enemies (zombies and a nazi dominatrix or two), and fairly crappy graphics and physics. Oh, and a few borderline-fatal glitches. One particularly aneurysm-inducing stealth level took us 83 (eighty-fucking-three) attempts and a good hour to get past, simply because Matt ran a bit ahead when I guess we weren't supposed to be that far, forcing us to respawn standing right near several nazis who were just dying to spot us. I'm not even sure how we did it in the end. Overall I just don't think it was meant to be a co-op game, as the levels don't cater to it whatsoever (they make it more frustrating, actually). I suppose I still had a good time playing through it, because as I said, co-op is always fun), but the game wasn't anything special.

So those were my basic gaming experiences while gone (besides a couple levels of co-op Halo). What else has been going on around here? Let's see...

It looks like multiplayer Metroid is going to be just what we've been talking about, fighting and finding weapons while escaping as a ball and grappling (cool), but with the same lock-on control scheme (lame). Oh well.

I got a bunch of magazines yesterday and today. I'm glad to see PSM has a decent exclusive cover story (Devil May Cry 3, looking badass), GMR being ballsy and giving FarCry a 7/10, and OPM having sweeeet demos (look for a disc review soon), despite getting a makeover that makes their reviews almost unreadable. Shame.

Random game I'm looking forward to: Mark of Kri 2. Random game I will be buying come September: Burnout 3.

In looking at the Gamefaqs best-game-ever poll, there are some really interesting results so far. In the Vice City vs. KOTOR battle, I'm shocked that KOTOR has as many of the votes as it does (about 40% as of now). Maybe Tom was right (I feel so dirty saying that). Starcraft beating out Halo is pretty cool, but not too surprising I suppose, as I still know plenty of people who play the six year-old game regularly. Final Fantasy vs. Pitfall is stupid, as is Super Mario World vs. The Simpsons. Seeing Castlevania:SOTN beat Perfect Dark makes me squeamishly jolly, whereas Metroid Prime beating Half Life does not. It'll be cool to see some of the later battles (Tetris vs. GTA, anyone?).

Here are those X-Box2 specs I mentioned a couple days back. Oh so elusive my ass.

I can't believe Tom hasn't been all over the rumors of a new Sega console. I mean, he sleeps with his Dreamcast at night (totally unsubstantiated). Anyhow, the rumor has been making the rounds, and while I doubt it's happening, we'll have to wait until E3 to see anything solid. Maybe they'll do something crazy and enter the portable market, or announce they're installing a copy of Crazy Taxi in every taxi in the U.S.

I hope to god Splatterhouse does indeed get a PS2 sequel, which is also a fun new rumor.

Those tiger-men I mentioned in Champions: Return to Arms are actually called Vah Shir Beserkers, and are a new playable race. Badass! Also, the game is going to have a lot of unlockable stuff, like alternate missions which the first sorely needed.

IGN seems to have gone the Gamefaqs route and gotten a makeover. Kinda fugly, but at least it loads a tad quicker. A tad.

Finally, Timesplitters 3 is now officially called Timesplitters: Future Perfect, and will officially kick ass.

Do you ever get to the point in a game where you're cruising along, figuring out puzzles on the fly while blasting any bad guy that comes your way - and then, out of the blue, a huge boss appears and proceeds to kick your butt until your vision is blurry from the constant stream of tears flowing from your eyes and you keep trying to yell for help but the phlegm is blocking your vocal cords? I was at that point in Metroid Prime for 24 long hours. I couldn't sleep with the stink of failure spewing from my pours. Images of the all mighty Omega Pirate flashed into my head whenever I closed my eyes. There I was, pinned against the wall like a helpless squirrel, while he pummeled me mercilessly. He laughed - that deep, guttural, not-quite-human-because-he's-a-genetically-mutated-pirate laugh - while his unholy minions finished me off. I had to walk through an entire day with these images flashing through my eyes. The laughter of children sent shivers up my spine and curses from my mouth when I assumed they were laughing at my ineptitude. Then the debilitating depression hit when I realized they were... but not because of Metroid Prime.

The darkness is gone now. I have finally beaten the Omega Pirate in Metroid Prime, and I am here to not only regale you with tales of conquest, but show you how easy it is to defeat this hellacious beast. Just clear your head of the thoughts of losing and focus your energy on taking down this satanic spawn.

When I first encountered this most giant of evil pirates - the twisted love child of an X-Men Sentinel and Ebeneezer Scrooge - I ran to the farthest corners of the room. He is so tall I, as an adult human, barely even reached his knee. The mere sight of him made me run like the scared girl I had become.

This strategy is as likely to succeed as trying to kill Ghandi by poisoning his food. For you see, the developers of this game, sadistic men that they are, thought they would play the role of psychologists by building a boss so large and scary one cannot help but run away - a strategy they knew full well would lead to the player's demise. The only way to even begin to take on the Omega Pirate is to come as close as you can without actually making contact with him.

I can hear you complain about this strategy already, and your complaints fall on sympathetic ears, but you must believe me. If you take any sort of distance with this warrior you will be pelted with shiny red bombs that will lower your defenses rather quickly. As these bombs are completely unavoidable, you will need to stay close to this Omega Pirate if you want any chance of staying alive long enough to teach baby to tap dance.

While the incoming bombs will no longer bother you up close, a new threat rears its ugly head - the dreaded arm swipe. Sure, when your pet duckling or Roger Ebert attempts such a maneuver you can merely take the blow and laugh at your muscular superiority. Metroid Prime delivers a much deadlier opponent. Omega Pirate is 50 feet tall and made of steel (aren't all pirates made of steel?) so one swipe from him will send you flying into the nearest wall and 1/5 of your life bar will fly down with you.

While this attack cannot, under any circumstance, be avoided, you can make sure Mr. Pirate does not even attempt this. Is this true? Oh, it's true. If you stay very close, but move constantly backwards, he will not be able to swing at you. He likes a stationary target, so make sure you don't back into any walls either, ok?

Now, it's time for your first attack. You will need missiles, lots and lots of missiles, so make sure you're fully loaded before you enter the battle. While it only takes 40 shots to bring him down, you will miss him a few times and there are his miniature minions to worry about later, so come equipped with around 100 missiles.

While you are staying close and avoiding his attacks make sure you are charging your power cannon the entire time. This is when it gets a little tricky. If you stay close to him long enough, eventually he'll grow to hate the little bug you've become and will unleash his Electric Wave Attack of Death. Beware of this attack, respect it, but also love it. This attack is the only way to even begin to hurt him, so anticipate it like summer vacation but make sure you execute the moves like a child blowing up his Teddy Ruxpin with firecrackers.

You can tell when he is set to unleash this attack when a glowing purple ring of electricity circles him. When you see this circle appear, brace yourself, but don't be too hasty with that B button. Wait until he strikes the ground - it will be less than half a moment so stay sharp – then slam on the jump button as the purple ring rockets towards you. If you timed it right, Omega will still be crouched low as you hover unfazed in the air. When you begin your descent, hit B one more time while simultaneously hitting Y to smash his armor off with your Super Missile. Repeat this 3 more times and then you're on to phase 2.

The deadly phase 2 is the place where I saw the blurry screen of death flash oh so often. At this point, all those annoying Elite Pirates you have been battling for the past 4 hours arrive on the scene with a bloodlust you have not encountered previously. You will have no way to prepare for their attacks either. Any of the four deadly variations of pirate can appear, along with a buddy or five, in a violent attempt to take you down.

Any fighting you do at this point will have to be efficient and deadly. Pray for an appearance by the weak white guys or the pansy yellow pirates. You should be able to dispose of these wanna be bad boys in one or two blasts. If a red or purple pirate appears, just do the best you can in the time allowed.

Time allowed? Is there a time limit to these duels? Actually, yes, there is. The only way you can actually harm the Omega Pirate is when his mini cohorts take the stage. At this point, Omega has turned himself invisible and disappeared in any of five Phazon pits. He will not reappear for 10 seconds, so use your time wisely by destroying as many of the Elite Pirates as you can. But when the 10 second mark roles around, switch to X-Ray vision and prepare to attack your mortal foe.

It shouldn't be too hard to locate Omega Pirate - he is bloody huge - but make sure you're jumping and grooving to avoid stray attacks from the still pursuing Elite. When you do catch up to him, blast him with another Super Missile. He will scream in agony and disappear again. Do not turn back to your normal vision mode at this point. I made the mistake of trying to kill off all the Elite Pirates before dealing with the real enemy and found myself dead over and over again. Stay in X-Ray mode for your real enemy will show himself once more in only 5 short seconds.

Once again, blast him with your Super Missile. He will scream a most pained scream. You should notice at this point that half his life bar is gone. You need only to repeat the steps I have listed above one more time to finally defeat him once and for all. Your reward for this battle is a suit of black and white that makes the previous wardrobe choices of Samus look quite lame in comparison.

Or - Random Thoughts in the World of Gaming

First up, the always enjoyable Electronic's Boutique online. Today is the day that F-Zero GX for the Gamecube finally drops in price from $40 to $20. Joy! Upon browsing EBGames I laughed when I saw a brand new copy of F-Zero retails for a mere $20, while a used copy goes for $27. Good job EB.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate them? Well, I will now. Up until 2001, EB was the only place I would buy games. They used to have this great program where you could return a game, for whatever reason, after 10 days. 10 whole days of being able to play around with a game before you had to decide if you liked it enough to actually buy it. That was genius. Pure genius. I assume people abused the policy, buying a game only to return it a week later when they won it. But I used it like I was supposed to… for the most part. There was that time I bought Shadows of the Empire for the weekend when Blockbuster was sold out. And another when I bought Marvel vs. Capcom 2 and Street Fighter Alpha 3 at the same time, knowing full well I was going to return one of them in a week.

But, by having that policy, they made much money from me. I probably bought 40-50 games from them over the years. Anything I got on the Super Nintendo, Genesis, Nintendo 64 and PlayStation I got from EB. I was such a blind loyalist that when I moved from Michigan to Illinois I went online beforehand to see just how close the nearest EB was. I was a little bit crazy.

But then, it all went wrong. The EB closest to my house, in Gurnee Mills, is run by Satanist. In January 2001, when I decided I would need a Gamecube when it launched in November, I ran to EB to preorder it. I had preordered a Dreamcast from that very same store less than 2 years earlier and recieved good service and a cool Dreamcast shirt for my trouble. So, with little hesitation, I asked them if I could give them money to ensure I could get a Gamecube the day it came out. They refused. Like a poor man passing off cupcakes for cash, they said I should take my business elsewhere because the Gamecube was going to be delayed until 2002. Obviously, this pissed me off. I marched right over to Babbages where they gladly accepted my money. Oh, the GC never was delayed.

I've had a few more instances with them - once I returned an Xbox game and asked for NBA2K3 in exchange. They handed me the PS2 version and were surprised when I told them I wanted the Xbox version. Did I mention they are all blind Sony loyalists at that store? I know it's not fair to lambaste an entire corporation for one crappy store, but that's how I am. They should have just hired me a few years ago when I applied. Though combining my hatred of mainstream with a store who wants to make money could be trouble.

Let's see, what else is going on...?

Nintendo just announced a few new details about Paper Mario 2. I know it's boring to talk about RPGs before they come out, but this little tidbit seemed cool. You're much more 'paper' in this version than the N64 original. Now you can slide under doors and through cracks... and make yourself into a paper airplane to fly across large gaps. That just sounds so awesome. I'm not really planning on buying this game, but a Mario Air Plane? I may just have to rethink.

I should write about Metroid Prime some, since I've been playing it many hours the past few days. It's actually really good. Maybe even great. The deeper I get in the game the farther the game gets away from the mindless wandering around. I don't think I've had to suffer through that for many, many hours now. The game has a built in hint feature which pretty much tells you where to go next. So now, instead of wishing I could do something fun, I'm fighting and exploring all the time. And I'm having a blast.


I can understand where Nick is coming from with the bad control comment. The game doesn't control like Goldeneye or Halo or any other FPS. It actually controls like Metroid set in a 3D environment. Sure, it's annoying sometimes not being able to strafe around corners like I've been doing since Wolfenstein 3D, but the lock on fighting is actually quite enjoyable. My only problem is the lack of quick movement. There are many times when I'm hit because Samus just won't move fast enough. Other than that, it's a very enjoyable alternative to the norm.

I figure that the multiplayer mode in Metroid Prime 2 will be very different from the standard deathmatch mode. Unless they completely change the controls, which I think would hurt the one player mode, it will have to be a game that focuses more on evasion than fighting. With a grappling hook and morph ball you should be able to quickly travel around the environment. The mode might work best if the ultimate goal is to find an object or complete a task rather than kill the most people. I have high hopes that Prime 2 will kick ass.

My only real problem with the original Prime is the length. It's a bloody long game. I'm at 46% and almost 10 hours in. Back in the day I used to wake up, play through the original NES Metroid in its entirety, eat lunch, then play through again. I liked how Metroid was short and you tried to beat your old record time or win without getting all the weapons. Now, it's like an actual, full-length adventure. It's pure fun, but I miss the old style.

Oh, I almost forgot. Rare just released some new pictures of Conker - Live and Uncut. Man, this game looks so awesome.

There are too many good games. As soon as I finish Prime I'm finally going to start Viewtiful Joe. Might have to put school on the backburner for awhile.

I just headed over to Gamefaqs to check out their new layout. Yes, it is much uglier than their old look, but that is hardly the point of my post.

What I do have a problem with is today's poll question. Gamefaqs has been orchestrating a contest the last month to determine what the greatest game of all time is. Never mind the fact that, by leaving off the greatest game of all time in Super Mario Kart, the list was pointless from the get go. I have still been keeping track of the results, though, to see what the public would vote for. I am deeply saddened by what I found in today's voting.

For some reason, Kingdom Hearts is matched up against Soul Calibur. How Kingdom Hearts even made it into the voting, where only 16 games from each generation are chosen worthy, is completely beyond me. Is this even one of the top 16 RPGs released this generation?

Anyway, it's going up against Soul Caliber, which is the greatest fighting game of all time. I'm not just talking about fighting games released this generation or even 3D fighters. I'm talking about the whole bloody genre. Soul Caliber is as good as fighting games get. And, not only that, but it's the best 2 player game released since before the PlayStation came out.

The game is a battle of pure skill. And, unlike other fighting games, you can actually use your own personal strengths to compete. I suck at fighting games. I have difficulty memorizing massive amounts of moves and my timing on counters is atrocious. I told you, I suck. But, I am competitive in Soul Calibur because the game allows for a defensive strategy. I generally circle around dodging attacks, waiting for my overanxious opponent to make a mistake. The versatile Soul Calibur engine allows for players of all kinds to compete. This is relatively unheard of in fighting games.

Soul Calibur also exhibits perfect balance between the characters. Besides a notable few - namely Rock who sucks at fighting and should just star in his own kart racer - every fighter in the game can hold their own. Some are kind of cheap, like Cervantes and Taki, but a skilled opponent can take them out anyway. This balance is what separate Soul Calibur from other fighting games.

So what is the point of this mini rant about the virtues of Soul Calibur? For some reason, the morons (I'm being nice with my words here) at Gamefaqs have voted Kingdom Hearts over Soul Calibur. As of this post the total vote is:

Soul Calibur - - 40326
Kingdom Hearts - - 41335

That Soul Calibur isn't winning this thing 90% - 10% is a travesty. Kingdom Hearts for Christ's sake. Kingdom Hearts! I think I'm going to be sick.