G-pinions

I really want to use grandiose statements to describe Earth Defense Force. Something like "The reason my pulmonary system churns" or "If God had a puppy, this would be it!" Something completely unreasonable that would make people shiver with glee. But I'm not going to pander, at least not that obviously. I did love every second of it. It's one of the most fun games on the system. And yet, when you try to dissect exactly why it is so fun, the game sounds like a real pile of pig's poop. The graphics are passable, though hardly better than you would find on the original Xbox. The voice acting sounds as though it's coming from Helen Keller after she burned her tongue on some tea. Even the controls are kind of crappy. Only four buttons are used and yet they stuck jump and evade on the same button? Who do they think they are kidding? And yet, despite the countless flaws, this game kicks seven kinds of ass. Imagine that Cerberus had a plethora of butts instead of heads, and this game kicked every one of them. That is Earth Defense Force.

Here's the deal: you are placed in a city overrun by alien ants the size of the pope's oversized Hummer. There are fifty seven thousand of these insects in every level, and that's just on the easiest difficulty setting. You have a barrel full of explosive weapons - grenades, both of the thrown and launched variety, rockets and missiles - as well as more traditional weapons such as shotguns, sniper rifles and acid spewers. With a story relegated to a mere twenty word description before each level, you set off to destroy this overgrown menace with nothing to get in the way.

Why is this so much fun? Because it harkens back to the days when shooting was enough. This plays like a next generation update to Robotron. You shoot, you run, you shoot again and if you're feeling spry, you can jump. It is mindless, repetitive fun that puts high budget shooters, such as the putrid Lost Planet or baffling Call of Duty, to shame. This is the very essence of what makes gaming fun. Add in the always lovable co-op mode, and you could easily spend the next fifty hours of your life destroying the alien threat without even taking the time to wipe the waterfall of drool spilling down your chin. It's the type of game that every parent should fear even more than the likes of chainsaw-tacular Gears of War or hooker fresh Grand Theft Auto. To sink into EDF is to understand what the human mind was like before evolution gave us the power of thought. It is mindless fun and I couldn't ask for anything more.



Or could I? Let's assume for a second that this game is not perfect. It's a rather cruel assumption but play along for a second. How could EDF possibly be improved in the next incarnation? I have a couple suggestions. First of all, I love killing giant ants and, since giant robots killed my father, I will gladly avenge his death for hours on end. But this game could use a little variety. Giant insects and robots are awesome, but how about more giant things? Who doesn't want to kill a giant zebra or an overgrown petunia? The fine folks at Sandlot should just look around their office and make every thing they see a giant enemy in the next game. From staplers to half eaten submarine sandwiches, I want to blow up a thousand enlarged versions of all the things that haunt me in my every day life.

Also, while there are over 150 guns in the game, I only used a handful of them. I like having sniper rifles and assault rifles in my inventory, but I'm not going to use them over a rocket launcher or shotgun. If they halved the number of guns but made each weapon upgradeable, I would still be playing this now instead of trying to persuade everyone else to buy it. Ratchet and Clank proved that monotony doesn't matter if I can upgrade my gear. Just throw that little feature in there and I'll eradicate the alien threat for good.

Other than those slight tweaks, this game is perfect as is. EDF is the standout entry in a genre we desperately need more quality games: B Video Games. Low production values and limited graphics can be fun in a game just like laughable dialog and rubber suits lure masochistic movie fans out of hiding. I love that the giant spiders don't splatter into a million pieces after being hit by a homing missile. I think it is really funny blasting an ant with a shotgun, watching him soar beyond a hill some three miles in the distance, but not so much as move a leg during the rough flight. This is a genuinely funny game that is undeniably fun.

I haven't even mentioned the sheer scale of the game yet. Each level is bloody huge. Most of them take place in a downtown metropolis with tall buildings taunting you to take a shot. And that is the just what I did in every level. The quickest path to a nest of ants is invariable blocked by a row of skyscrapers. With a few shots from my rocket launcher, I can cause more damage than my breeding foes could ever dream of. Who will police the police? Who cares? Everyone just grab a rocket launcher and destroy that monument! In 53 levels of chaotic action, I only found an invisible wall one time. The levels are staggering in their size.

Earth Defense Force: 2017 costs a mere $40 at retail, has more than fifty hours of gameplay, and can be enjoyed even by preschool dropouts. If you have an Xbox 360 and a friend who doesn't mind traveling to your place whenever you hang out, there is no reason not to buy this game.