G-pinions

If the world was an entirely just place, my review of Phantom Hourglass would be a carbon copy of what I wrote in my Ratchet and Clank Future review last week. Both are uninspired sequels that are virtually indistinguishable from past entries in the series. Since both games are the first for their respective consoles, the developers seemed content to throw a bone to the novelties these systems make possible without enhancing the tried and true gameplay one bit. But while I ripped Ratchet for its blatant unoriginality, I am actually going to praise Zelda. Not because it's unoriginal, but because, even despite its familiar gameplay and world, it's still noticeably better than recent Zelda games. Phantom Hourglass is undoubtedly a flawed game that further exposes the problems inherent in the Zelda formula, but the streamlined experience is infinitely more enjoyable than what I was starting to expect of this series.

The main reason Phantom Hourglass is so much more fun than Twilight Princess and Wind Waker is simple: Nintendo removed the boring parts. It's such a brilliant idea! Oh, how many hours I could have saved if Nintendo had only made this change years ago. Both Twilight Princess and Wind Waker were chuck-full of excruciating side quests between dungeons that just dragged the entire experience through a pig's poop-filled bathroom. Do you realize how huge Hyrule is? Why do I have to continually walk across the whole damn thing running errands for ungrateful brats in TP? And Wind Waker, with its tedious boat navigation, who thought that was good idea? If I wanted to spend a week on a boat I would join the Navy's "Ride a Boat for 7 Days" program. Phantom Hourglass thankfully removed those grueling bits so you can quickly jump from one dungeon to the next. I can't believe it took Nintendo this long to emphasize the strength of one of their biggest series.

The dungeon design in PH is simply awesome. First of all, Nintendo did an excellent job designing this for the portable crowd. Most dungeons allow you to unlock doors at various points so you can take a break without having to trudge through the whole damn thing all over again. More importantly, the puzzles are a joy. I had forgotten just how fun a traditional Zelda dungeon can be after wading through all that torturous crap in previous games. Everything is completely logical this time around too. No more puzzles where you have to light all the candles in a room. In fact, the pointless lantern isn't even in this game! You still have the occasional lever to pull or switch to stand on, but the game does force you to use your mind more often than Zeldas past. At one point, you have to shoot a shy eyeball that closes when you look at it. I was stuck for a few minutes at this point. I tried to turn really quickly and catch it staring dumbly (I think everyone does this, as if the game is alive and not a flawless computer program). I tried to toss my boomerang. I tried to leave the room, like I didn't care about the eye at all. Eventually, I realized I had to string my grappling hook between two posts. I could shoot the rope with my back turned to the eye, causing an epic ricochet that would blind that stupid statue. Puzzles like this made each dungeon a blast to play through.

The main problem with Phantom Hourglass, and the Zelda franchise as a whole, is the actual combat is simply awful. In PH, both movement and swordplay is controlled using only the touchscreen. This is a very bad idea. First of all, your movement is way too limited now since you're using a touchscreen to do what used to takes an analog stick and multiple buttons. Rolling is almost impossible to execute and circle strafing around an enemy feels clunky and unresponsive. It also means you will swing when you want to run and vice versa way too often. Thankfully, Nintendo seemed to acknowledge this problem. There are very few times in the game where you have to partake in hardcore sword combat, and it is so easy when you do that you won't be hampered by the crappy controls. A Zelda experience with worthwhile combat would be a much better option than simply avoiding the problem altogether, though.

Another Zelda mainstay rears its ugly head in Phantom Hourglass: the story is insultingly bad. I have no problem with crappy stories in games. Two of my favorite games this year - Earth Defense Force and Crackdown - had completely useless stories. You know why that wasn't a problem? These games just ignored the whole story thing completely. In Phantom Hourglass, like every Zelda game, you have to sit through long, boring cutscenes when all you really need is someone to point you in the direction of your next dungeon. If a game is going to make you sit through a story, it better be worthwhile. There should be some work put into it. I would love to play a Zelda game where Link had a personality. I would love to have an actual plot instead of elaborate fetch quests. But if Nintendo is not wiling to let this universe grow, they should just cut out the pointless crap entirely.

The Zelda franchise will never evolve until Nintendo spends some time crafting an intelligent story and making sure the combat is on par with other adventure games. Until that happens, everything other than dungeon puzzle solving will just be a giant waste of time. I really have no idea why Nintendo is completely unwilling to include an interesting story in any of their games. Yes, the Nintendo fanbase is predominantly much younger than Microsoft's and Sony's, but that is not a valid excuse anymore. Harry Potter has proven that children love compelling stories. Nintendo can claim they are just trying to appeal to the family until they are blue in face, but it is apparent they simply think their fanbase is comprised of individuals who do not want to be intellectually challenged while playing a game. This strategy will ultimately hurt Nintendo more than their harshest competitor will ever be able to.

Until that time comes, Phantom Hourglass will be one of the showcase entries in the Zelda franchise. It may not be particularly deep, but it is fun in ways recent Zelda games could only grasp in small doses. In the future, Nintendo does need to realize that quirky controls alone do not make a game innovative. The last two Zelda games have relied entirely on their new-fangled control schemes rather than push the gameplay further with actual innovation. Now that we have seen what a traditional Zelda game plays like with motion and touchscreen controls, I hope Nintendo tries something drastically different in the future. Fun is the most important part of gaming, but when so many titles offer a deeper experience on top of unbridled fun, it has become clear that Nintendo will need to evolve along with everyone else.