G-pinions

There is a Titanic-sized boatload of new releases coming out this week. If I didn't write about a game you care about, it's either too expensive (Cooking Mama: Cook Off), too much like real tennis (Virtua Tennis 3) or I just feel dirty talking about it in the first place (The Godfather). Just remember: if it is based on a license that should have stayed dormant (Ubisoft's new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game) or forces you to imagine that your Wiimote is a tiny biplane (Wing Island and Blazing Angels) you should just turn up your nose and walk away. And don't forget about the Xbox Live Arcade release this week. It may not be multiplayer, but it is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.

Earth Defense Force: 2017 (X360) - To see a small spider climbing up my apartment wall is to look into the eyes of fear itself. The only defense to such a strong threat is distance, and lots of it. After years of unbridled torment I will finally be able to exact my revenge upon the entire world of arachnids. Only this time, the insects are bigger than a blue whale and have at least twice as many legs. The Earth Defense Force was the unfortunate team hired to fight Godzilla back when he was young enough to destroy entire cities with a burst of his magma hot breath. After years of hanging out at the EDF headquarters, waiting patiently for another massive monster attack that never materialized, the crew has all sorts of pent up energy. While my girlfriend may use a sheaf of paper to exterminate my mortal foes, it is rocket launchers, homing lasers and dynamite rocket plungers (guess where you shove that) used to spill green blood upon the Earth in this fictional retelling of all my vengeance fueled dreams. This is only $40 so I fully expect every person reading my pleas to procure a copy in whatever manner they see fit. Sure, you can't actually play co-op online or even with a Local Area Network, but it does have single screen co-op. I ask you, would you really want to fight giant insects alone?

Kororinpa Marble Mania (Wii) - Would I be more excited for this unpronounceable ball rolling sim if it included giant creatures of some kind? Yes. But is it fair to hold such a weakness against it? After my run in with Excite Truck and Wario Ware: Smooth Moves, I am all over the Wii again. And what better way to show my slowly swelling love of tilting controls than a delicate marble adventure? I'm sure this game is seven rings of hell difficult, just like every other marble starring game ever thrust onto the world, but that is not going to deter me. I am going to guide Mr. Marble over mountains and through tunnels until he reaches the goal, and eternal happiness. It is my duty, after all, to please this inanimate being. Who else but I has the courage to tilt my controller in the pursuit of freedom?

Radio Allergy (GC) - The PlayStation 2 issued its first of many dying gurgles last week when God of War 2 finally came out. Possibly the best game on the greatest system of all time put a proper exclamation point on the eulogy of our favorite Emotion Engine. And then there is the Gamecube, the little lunch box that no one wanted. Its swan song? A 2D shooter originally released for the Dreamcast. Laugh if you must, but don't you dare leave the baffling name out of your hate filled chuckle fest. I am not sure what the premise is, but I will bet a suitcase of cash for your bucket of krill that it does not actually involve a being whose throat closes shut when in the vicinity of amplitude modulation. If this game featured some two player, co-op action like that bug blowing up game at the top of this entry, I would order my denizens to plop down their $20 to briefly rekindle some GC lovin'. But it's a solo experience. I don't play these games to die repeatedly alone. Hopefully, some relevant exclusive game will come out in the distant future so I can give the Gamecube a proper pat on the back. Just a quick note: Radio Allergy has been pushed back at the last minute before, so don't ignite your pitchforks if it gets delayed again.