Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Lunch with Tom - MULA, or how to cash in on a hot license
Gears of War is out right now. Nick and I played through the first act last night. It was incredible. A vicious, dark shooter unlike anything else I have played. Just a fantastic game any way you look at it. Of course, I am not here today to talk about the biggest Xbox 360 game released thus far. That would be far too easy. Every other site is pimping this game, why would The G blindly follow suit? Rather, I am going to offer my opinion on Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. I know Nick already complained last week about this putrid, licensed crapfest, but I am not Nick. I actually played through the entire game - all five mind-numbing acts - to bring you the most insightful look at this travesty in all the land. Whereas Nick was scared to even mutter the acronym for fear of bringing even more publicity to this abomination, I plan to yell about its incompetence to all who will listen. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance is a bad video game. Please avoid at all costs.
I do not read comic books. I think the only one I have ever made it through was a Kool-Aid Man adventure a former roommate procured through, I am told, some very difficult circumstances. The story in MULA may or may not be standard comic book fair. I would not know. I do know that it is, unequivocally, a bad story. Activision went out of their way to mention how many characters they crammed onto the silicon. There are more than 144 heroes, villains and butlers in this game. When you combine them all together it's every bit as gross as you would imagine. See what I did there? But I've spoken enough. Maybe J.D. Salinger could draw a little insight into the creative process of this game:
"Then he and old Sally started talking about a lot of people they both knew. It was the phoniest conversation you ever heard in your life. They both kept thinking of places as fast as they could. Then they'd think of somebody that lived there and mention their name. I was all set to puke when it was time to sit down again. I really was."
Remember, I have an English degree. I not only read Pilgrim's Progress but I was able to keep track of all the crappy characters and ridiculous settings. Heck, I even read Kafka for fun. But Marvel's story was completely beyond my grasp. A new character would be introduced every five minutes. Sometimes their allegiance would be clear. Other times they would appear with no exposition, making me guess who they were and why they were wasting my time. Most times I was left to fill in the holes myself.
Check out this baffling scenario: Loki was a bad Viking who was up to no good. His father, Odin, was the ruler of Valhalla and Loki wanted that land for himself. Thor is Odin's other son, a humble superhero who didn't want the responsibility of ruling an entire world. But somehow, even though they share a father, Loki and Thor are not related. I'm not really sure how that happened. After I killed Loki to get back the land he stole, I went back to the base to receive new orders from my commander, Nick Fury. I was to unfreeze this giant armored knight for some reason. So I dutifully did it, having to chase down four separate swords during a twenty-minute stretch of my life I will never get back.
After I unleashed this monster, Nick Fury turned into Loki and proceeded to mock me for being so trusting. I can understand this amateurish, Mission: Impossible-level of deception. It's a technique uncreative folks use to twist plots. But some things were never answered. Or even questioned. First of all, where was the real Nick Fury during all of this? Wouldn't Wolverine have been able to tell the difference between the real Fury and Loki wearing a Fury wig just by smell? Did any of the other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents know about this switch? Couldn't they have given me a heads up? Furthermore, if Loki was really sitting comfortably in my base the whole time, who did I kill? Did Loki make a clone of himself? Did some shmuck put on a Loki mask, unaware that angry mutants were out to kill him? Did we send a sympathy card or sad turkey to the widow when we found out we killed an innocent man?
I know video games are rarely played because of story, but that does not mean you can toss out crap like this and expect me to sit through it, drooling and nodding like the one million unwashed masses who actually bought this game. Just like a good comedy needs a strong narrative structure to bind the movie together, a plot driven game needs plausible scenarios and realistic characters to do the same. What is my motivation to save the world from Dr. Doom if I'm not sure who Dr. Doom is? Speaking of Dr. Doom, at one point he realized he could take control of superheroes, forcing them to turn on the people who trusted them. So he kills Colossus and Cyclops and resurrects them to do his bidding. That's all fine and good. I'm sure this phenomenon has been explained elsewhere in the Marvel universe. But then things break down as they invariably do when logic is involved. Along with fighting an evil version of the Fantastic Four, I had to fight Bad Peter Parker and Captain UnAmerican as well. The problem? Captain America was in my party. Since the evil versions of these characters were resurrected corpses of my fallen comrades, how was Captain America tossed into the mix? And, since the evil characters are merely palette-swapped versions of the real superheroes, why couldn't Activision just have me fight a character I wasn't controlling?
I know these gripes seem small, but I think it showcases just how little time was spent in the creation of this game. The graphics are as uneven as a first generation X360 title. Sometimes they look like a shiny coat of paint has enveloped the Xbox original, other times it looks exactly like the now outdated original. There is nothing about this game, other than the $60 price tag, that makes it a next gen title. Even worse, the gameplay is as old school as you can get. The characters are all identical to one another. Captain America throws his shield while Iron Man tosses an energy beam, but the moves don't feel different from one another. This is the worst example of a licensed game. They simply tossed famous characters into the same gameplay structure that has existed for more than a decade. They refused to include problems actual superheroes face. I still have to find a keycard to open a locked door? Even Ms. Marvel is strong enough to knock down a mere door. And why do I have to push blocks around a room like I'm Lara Croft? Has Electra ever pushed a block in her life? Come on! Give me some real super hero problems!
It infuriates me that Activision published this, Ravensoft developed it, reviewers are handing out good grades, and gamers are buying this. Basically, everyone involved in the creation or enjoyment of this title is on my list. You know my list. Until they prove otherwise, Activision is now sitting alongside Electronic Arts in the pantheon of companies whose game I should avoid. They simply do not care one iota about quality.
I do not read comic books. I think the only one I have ever made it through was a Kool-Aid Man adventure a former roommate procured through, I am told, some very difficult circumstances. The story in MULA may or may not be standard comic book fair. I would not know. I do know that it is, unequivocally, a bad story. Activision went out of their way to mention how many characters they crammed onto the silicon. There are more than 144 heroes, villains and butlers in this game. When you combine them all together it's every bit as gross as you would imagine. See what I did there? But I've spoken enough. Maybe J.D. Salinger could draw a little insight into the creative process of this game:
"Then he and old Sally started talking about a lot of people they both knew. It was the phoniest conversation you ever heard in your life. They both kept thinking of places as fast as they could. Then they'd think of somebody that lived there and mention their name. I was all set to puke when it was time to sit down again. I really was."
Remember, I have an English degree. I not only read Pilgrim's Progress but I was able to keep track of all the crappy characters and ridiculous settings. Heck, I even read Kafka for fun. But Marvel's story was completely beyond my grasp. A new character would be introduced every five minutes. Sometimes their allegiance would be clear. Other times they would appear with no exposition, making me guess who they were and why they were wasting my time. Most times I was left to fill in the holes myself.
Check out this baffling scenario: Loki was a bad Viking who was up to no good. His father, Odin, was the ruler of Valhalla and Loki wanted that land for himself. Thor is Odin's other son, a humble superhero who didn't want the responsibility of ruling an entire world. But somehow, even though they share a father, Loki and Thor are not related. I'm not really sure how that happened. After I killed Loki to get back the land he stole, I went back to the base to receive new orders from my commander, Nick Fury. I was to unfreeze this giant armored knight for some reason. So I dutifully did it, having to chase down four separate swords during a twenty-minute stretch of my life I will never get back.
After I unleashed this monster, Nick Fury turned into Loki and proceeded to mock me for being so trusting. I can understand this amateurish, Mission: Impossible-level of deception. It's a technique uncreative folks use to twist plots. But some things were never answered. Or even questioned. First of all, where was the real Nick Fury during all of this? Wouldn't Wolverine have been able to tell the difference between the real Fury and Loki wearing a Fury wig just by smell? Did any of the other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents know about this switch? Couldn't they have given me a heads up? Furthermore, if Loki was really sitting comfortably in my base the whole time, who did I kill? Did Loki make a clone of himself? Did some shmuck put on a Loki mask, unaware that angry mutants were out to kill him? Did we send a sympathy card or sad turkey to the widow when we found out we killed an innocent man?
I know video games are rarely played because of story, but that does not mean you can toss out crap like this and expect me to sit through it, drooling and nodding like the one million unwashed masses who actually bought this game. Just like a good comedy needs a strong narrative structure to bind the movie together, a plot driven game needs plausible scenarios and realistic characters to do the same. What is my motivation to save the world from Dr. Doom if I'm not sure who Dr. Doom is? Speaking of Dr. Doom, at one point he realized he could take control of superheroes, forcing them to turn on the people who trusted them. So he kills Colossus and Cyclops and resurrects them to do his bidding. That's all fine and good. I'm sure this phenomenon has been explained elsewhere in the Marvel universe. But then things break down as they invariably do when logic is involved. Along with fighting an evil version of the Fantastic Four, I had to fight Bad Peter Parker and Captain UnAmerican as well. The problem? Captain America was in my party. Since the evil versions of these characters were resurrected corpses of my fallen comrades, how was Captain America tossed into the mix? And, since the evil characters are merely palette-swapped versions of the real superheroes, why couldn't Activision just have me fight a character I wasn't controlling?
I know these gripes seem small, but I think it showcases just how little time was spent in the creation of this game. The graphics are as uneven as a first generation X360 title. Sometimes they look like a shiny coat of paint has enveloped the Xbox original, other times it looks exactly like the now outdated original. There is nothing about this game, other than the $60 price tag, that makes it a next gen title. Even worse, the gameplay is as old school as you can get. The characters are all identical to one another. Captain America throws his shield while Iron Man tosses an energy beam, but the moves don't feel different from one another. This is the worst example of a licensed game. They simply tossed famous characters into the same gameplay structure that has existed for more than a decade. They refused to include problems actual superheroes face. I still have to find a keycard to open a locked door? Even Ms. Marvel is strong enough to knock down a mere door. And why do I have to push blocks around a room like I'm Lara Croft? Has Electra ever pushed a block in her life? Come on! Give me some real super hero problems!
It infuriates me that Activision published this, Ravensoft developed it, reviewers are handing out good grades, and gamers are buying this. Basically, everyone involved in the creation or enjoyment of this title is on my list. You know my list. Until they prove otherwise, Activision is now sitting alongside Electronic Arts in the pantheon of companies whose game I should avoid. They simply do not care one iota about quality.
// posted by Tom @ 12:12 PM 
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