Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Lunch with Tom - Too many Dino Masters to count
Developers take note: I will buy just about any game if it has dinosaurs in it. Go ahead, try me. What's that, you're scared? People didn't like that last Turok game so the dinosaur well has officially dried up? I refuse to believe such nonsense. Books and movies are fine, but games are the only medium out there that can actually bring dinosaurs to life. Who wants to read about a dinosaur anyway? Some scientist might, but that's about it. And watching them roam around in a movie is just a big tease. It's like watching a pool party. I want to jump into the pool, cannonball style, and soak that kid and his wheelchair. Since I can't go out right now and play with a dinosaur, I have to look towards the arts. Every video game needs to have either dinosaurs, ninjas or dancing robots in it. I will not budge on this issue.
I actually bought Dino Master. Quick side note here: when Tomb Raider exploded on to the scene in 1996, I thought the game was called Tomb Raiders. This wasn't just a passing thought either. I actually questioned who the other character was. If Lara Croft (who I thought was named Lara Craft for years. Yes, I am an English graduate) was the protagonist, there must be a male counterpart somewhere, right? It wasn't until I actually bought the game did I realize there was only one Raider. 10 years later, I am staring at the box for Dino Masters and wondering who the devil this other Master is. As far as I can tell, there is just one man in the game. Is the jeep he drives the other Master? Or is the scientist who gives the occasional baffling hint ("That thing on your back is a lizard") the mystery man Mastering dinosaurs on the side? Sadly, the incomplete narrative will never reveal its secrets.
Humiliating sidenote: once again, my secret plural problem has been exposed to the world. The game is called "Dino Master." It is a singular experience, in more ways the one. The previous paragraph will remain unchanged as a penance. Next time, I will correctly read the title.
I did a little research for this review. If you've listened to our latest podcast, you'll know Dino Master rips its gameplay off of some classic porn title. I assume the pornographic game ripped its gameplay from an even older, potentially more classic game, but neither Nick nor I could actually recall such a title existing. Leave it to Craig Harris at IGN, the only other person in America who has played this game, to inform me (and only me, who else read that review?) what game Dino Master shamelessly stole from. It's Qix. Note the edgy lack of a "u." Spitting in the face of popular conventions is red-hot fun. Office Create spat in the face of popular conventions, and one very eager dinosaur fan, by sticking lifeless dinosaurs in a boring, uninspired arcade title. I will curse them to my dying days.
If you don't remember Qix, and I sure didn't, I'll briefly explain how DM plays. Note the lack of dinosaurs in my description. You patrol the perimeter of a field - one that could have easily been stretched to two screens if the developer wasn't so lazy - and try not to die. You need to leave your safe home and venture to the middle, drawing lines and claiming land along the way. The funny part is there are fantastic monsters trying to kill you. Giant scorpions, projectile shooting snakes, and even spiders five times as large as a Jeep are inches from you face. Sometimes stomping on your dead body! I don't know why this explorer, this Dino Master, is so obsessed with dusty bones when there are living monsters trying to kill him.
Anyway, the game is completely broken. For some reason, the whole game is controlled via the touch screen. This doesn't work at all. Not even a little bit. Your character kind of follows your stylus around... I'm stopping this here. The game controls like ass. I'm not going to waste your time or mine describing the extent of ass.
Are you wondering where the dinosaurs come into play? There are fossils buried in this playing field you are trying to conquer. If you uncover a complete skeleton you and the other Dino Masters (the Jeep and Scientist) can resurrect the long dead beast. And then you can fight, dino-vs-dino, in a no-holds-barred battle! I could stop here, since I haven't technically lied yet, but Office Create refuses to pay me for this publicity. The battling is so boring I actually prefer the Qix rip-off. I haven't actually taken part in any dino battles for a few days now. It's just the worst game imaginable. You pick a point of your opponent's body to attack and a part of your own to defend and then hope for the best. That's seriously the whole game. It could be cool if the dinosaurs at least battled, but they don't. They only have one frame of animation each. Basically, you are fighting a picture of a dinosaur on a 3-inch screen. I'd rather read about it.
In conclusion, this is a really bad game. It makes me appreciate just how good most games are today. I may insult the lesser games out there, but they are at least playable. DM plays like a poor NES game. Everything is cheap and random. That is not fun. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from pouring hours into it via the comfort of my office bathroom, but we can all admit I have a problem. I just hope Contact comes out today. I can't stomach another day playing Dino Master.
I actually bought Dino Master. Quick side note here: when Tomb Raider exploded on to the scene in 1996, I thought the game was called Tomb Raiders. This wasn't just a passing thought either. I actually questioned who the other character was. If Lara Croft (who I thought was named Lara Craft for years. Yes, I am an English graduate) was the protagonist, there must be a male counterpart somewhere, right? It wasn't until I actually bought the game did I realize there was only one Raider. 10 years later, I am staring at the box for Dino Masters and wondering who the devil this other Master is. As far as I can tell, there is just one man in the game. Is the jeep he drives the other Master? Or is the scientist who gives the occasional baffling hint ("That thing on your back is a lizard") the mystery man Mastering dinosaurs on the side? Sadly, the incomplete narrative will never reveal its secrets.
Humiliating sidenote: once again, my secret plural problem has been exposed to the world. The game is called "Dino Master." It is a singular experience, in more ways the one. The previous paragraph will remain unchanged as a penance. Next time, I will correctly read the title.
I did a little research for this review. If you've listened to our latest podcast, you'll know Dino Master rips its gameplay off of some classic porn title. I assume the pornographic game ripped its gameplay from an even older, potentially more classic game, but neither Nick nor I could actually recall such a title existing. Leave it to Craig Harris at IGN, the only other person in America who has played this game, to inform me (and only me, who else read that review?) what game Dino Master shamelessly stole from. It's Qix. Note the edgy lack of a "u." Spitting in the face of popular conventions is red-hot fun. Office Create spat in the face of popular conventions, and one very eager dinosaur fan, by sticking lifeless dinosaurs in a boring, uninspired arcade title. I will curse them to my dying days.
If you don't remember Qix, and I sure didn't, I'll briefly explain how DM plays. Note the lack of dinosaurs in my description. You patrol the perimeter of a field - one that could have easily been stretched to two screens if the developer wasn't so lazy - and try not to die. You need to leave your safe home and venture to the middle, drawing lines and claiming land along the way. The funny part is there are fantastic monsters trying to kill you. Giant scorpions, projectile shooting snakes, and even spiders five times as large as a Jeep are inches from you face. Sometimes stomping on your dead body! I don't know why this explorer, this Dino Master, is so obsessed with dusty bones when there are living monsters trying to kill him.
Anyway, the game is completely broken. For some reason, the whole game is controlled via the touch screen. This doesn't work at all. Not even a little bit. Your character kind of follows your stylus around... I'm stopping this here. The game controls like ass. I'm not going to waste your time or mine describing the extent of ass.
Are you wondering where the dinosaurs come into play? There are fossils buried in this playing field you are trying to conquer. If you uncover a complete skeleton you and the other Dino Masters (the Jeep and Scientist) can resurrect the long dead beast. And then you can fight, dino-vs-dino, in a no-holds-barred battle! I could stop here, since I haven't technically lied yet, but Office Create refuses to pay me for this publicity. The battling is so boring I actually prefer the Qix rip-off. I haven't actually taken part in any dino battles for a few days now. It's just the worst game imaginable. You pick a point of your opponent's body to attack and a part of your own to defend and then hope for the best. That's seriously the whole game. It could be cool if the dinosaurs at least battled, but they don't. They only have one frame of animation each. Basically, you are fighting a picture of a dinosaur on a 3-inch screen. I'd rather read about it.
In conclusion, this is a really bad game. It makes me appreciate just how good most games are today. I may insult the lesser games out there, but they are at least playable. DM plays like a poor NES game. Everything is cheap and random. That is not fun. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from pouring hours into it via the comfort of my office bathroom, but we can all admit I have a problem. I just hope Contact comes out today. I can't stomach another day playing Dino Master.
// posted by Tom @ 11:52 AM 
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