G-pinions

I can say with 100% certainty that Japanese people in general and the people who work at Square specifically know absolutely nothing about American Basketball. Whereas other Mario sports titles take the basic essence of the sport they are parodying and add appropriate Mario-themed elements, Mario Hoops 3-on-3 does not even resemble the sport it is modeled after. I know my first complaint about this decidedly average title should be about the actual gameplay mechanics, but I just can't get over the screwy version of basketball on display here.

First, and most baffling of all quirks, the court looks exactly like an NBA court. Since the rules are drastically different, wouldn't it have made more sense to change this around? For instance, there is still a half court line located right where you imagine such a line would lie. In real life, this acts as an invisible boundary. If you are the offensive team, once you cross the half court line you are not allowed back to the other side. In Mario Basketball, it just acts as pretty decoration. You can straddle the line like a cowboy if you choose; it isn't going to affect anything on the court. With no backcourt violation or 10-second penalty, it makes that line seem just silly. Taking away these violations is akin to taking away faults in Mario Tennis. Needless to say, Mario Tennis is a great game and did not change the tried and true rules of the game.

There's also a three-point line in Mario Basketball even though there aren't any three-point shots. Come again? It doesn't matter if you make a dunk, an all too common over-the-shoulder sling, or a full court bomb, it's all worth the same. So what's the point of having a three-point line? Since you don't get three points for making a shot from behind it, is it even fair to call it that? "Daisy got hit with a spiny shell just outside that arbitrary arc thingy."

Mario Basketball doesn't actually have any rules. I know you hippies out there hate the idea of rules at all, but I like them. Rules in sports are very important. They keep the game balanced and fun. In Mario Basketball, you just run around willy nilly, trying to get by whomever is guarding you however you can. Obviously, hitting someone with a banana peal should be fair game in any Mario title, but goaltending? Double Dribbling? Does it really make the game more fun to play this as if you are a mentally deficient turtle? It just gets so boring after awhile.

Basketball purists look at the NBA right now and shake their head. ESPN is the most important sports invention of all time. It has single-handedly changed the way every sport is played - because it rewards flash over substance, the NBA has turned into a high-flying dunk-a-thon with no fundamental team play. All you see in the NBA are ridiculous dunks and big guys taking ill-advised three pointers. Mario Basketball does emulate this part well enough, except without three pointers in the game all you have is mascots driving to the rim. There is no skill to shooting at all, so if you're a big enough daredevil to take the outside shot you just have to pray it goes in. Every possession in Mario Basketball plays like a 1-on-3 obstacle course to get to the hoop. Gets kind of tedious after awhile, you know?

Scoring is done with coin blocks. By default, if you make a basket you get twenty points. But there are coin blocks on the ground as well; you can dribble on top of them to up how many points you get per basket. This is an interesting twist. You have to decide if you want to score a lot of low scoring baskets, or try to up your bank for the big payoff. It is quite fun hitting a 73-point shot at the buzzer to win. It's not exactly fun actually accumulating all these coins, but I do like scoring a lot in one go. In the hands of a competent developer, (such as Camelot who has seemingly mastered these Mario sports games), this could have been really fun. As it is, it's the only bright spot in a rather dull game.

Is this worth even playing? Not really. Because it requires two copies of the game to play multiplayer, it's going to be a real pain to get any legitimate competition going. And the one-player experience is just tired. Either the computer is slow and easy or fast and incredibly hard. There is no in-between. Using the touch screen to play basketball is also anything but intuitive. The whole point of the NDS is to take away normal control frustrations and make games that couldn't have existed anywhere else. Mario Basketball does not encompass either of these ideals.

Erp... I just realized it was a bad idea to write about this game right after lunch. Better end this quick or I may have to go home early. Wait a second...