G-pinions

I thought it would be a good idea to start talking about all the new releases every Monday. What's the point of gaming without new games, right? As I'm looking at the schedule for this week, though, I am a bit horrified. I haven't even heard of most of the games coming out this week. I decided before looking at the schedule that I would do a weekly release list, though, so I'm sticking to my guns. It's funny that all the big games come out at the end of the year, and yet here we are in October and there's nothing but who dat crap. Oh well, on to the games that no one cares about.

Star Trek Encounters - I'm kicking off this week's release slate with STE because it's one of the few games I actually know something about. I had a really great appointment with Bethesda at last year's E3. It was actually the best appointment I had with any developer at the show. This was when I talked to the producer of Oblivion and found out, once and for all, that Oblivion is lacking RPG elements because Bethesda didn't want to make an RPG. It's so nice knowing that I was right. Anyway, for all the fun I had in talking with Bethesda, I had to put up with one very bad thing: a seemingly endless presentation of STE. It started cool enough. The producer started talking about how this would be the definitive Star Trek experience. Now, I've never seen so much as an episode, but I love definitive things. This was going to have all the vehicles, all the different aliens, all the captains and all the other crap. Sounded pretty cool. I assumed it would have some RPG elements where you control Captain Kirk directly. You'd be able to set up relations with other species, order Spock to do nasty things with Worf, and all the other crap Star Trek fans dream about at night.1 Turns out, you can't do any of that awesome stuff. You just fly around in the Enterprise attacking shit. Boring!

NHL2K7 - I am fan of sports. In fact, I am listening to ESPN radio while I write this. I know all about the baseball playoffs even though I haven't seen a single game this season. I know more about the NFL than people who are paid to watch it. I have derided American basketball just like every other bitter white guy. And yet I have no idea who won the Stanley Cup last season. While watching football with my buddy yesterday, a man who bought an HDTV just to watch ESPN in High Def, I brought this up. He didn't even know who won. He thinks it was Tampa Bay. I'm thinking Buffalo was involved somehow. Either way, I assume we're both wrong. Coming on the heels of that riveting hockey conversation is some new hockey game. I have no idea what's new this time around and I don't really care. NHL '95 is still the best hockey game ever made. The more realistic these sports games become the less fun they are. Developers are simply not talented enough to offer a realistic interpretation of the games. Madden '07 was a travesty. It's just not fun seeing a poor imitation of the real thing. I think I'm in a really tough position over here: I'm a hardcore gamer and a diehard sports fan. Because I know the real thing so well, I judge the video games against those. And I judge the games against other video games. They don't hold up. I find it hard to believe anyone who loves sports and games can love sports games.

Mercury Meltdown - I first heard about this game five minutes before starting this column. However, the box art is pretty cool. You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but anything if fair game when the PSP is involved. MM looks like some cool puzzle game. Since this is a PSP game, hence I can carry it around with me (if I owned the system), I can only assume it's a blast. Other than Snood 2, has there ever been a bad portable puzzle game? It's just not possible. It's like making a bad game with dinosaurs. You have to actually try to put crap on a disc to mess up something so easy. Without knowing anything about Mercury Meltdown, I am confident enough in my box art judging to recommend this full-heartedly.

Stacked - Another PSP game! What a week! However, this is not a puzzle game so it will suck. The biggest problem with this game is that it could have been interesting. I mean, it's called stacked. It's on the "adult" handheld system. Shouldn't it be about breasts? With a name like Stacked it should either be a bunch of breast related mini-games or just a well-endowed main character running and bouncing. I bet there's a developer out there that is just pissed some poker game stole this title. Even worse, because some irresponsible developer used this name for such a lame title, there can't be a video game based on that awful Pamela Anderson show. Oh the travesty! You could have controlled Pam! Virtual Pam stacking books (I think she worked in a bookstore...) while trying to avoid the creepy guy ogling her from across the room. Now that would have been entertaining.