G-pinions

Here's a shock: the third entry in the re-invented world of Prince of Persia is complete garbage. Maybe not the rubbish that's piled under mounds of trash at the bottom of a landfill, maybe it's just the banana peel you toss onto the top of your own pile of mess, but garbage is still garbage no matter where it lives within the hierarchical scale of tossed away crap. It's a damn shame, too, because, like a painting that is covered in grape juice but still has a usable frame surrounding it, PoP: TTT actually has some worth as a video game. Unfortunately, when compared to its high art brother Sands of Time, its worth may only be that of a warning sign. Read: Do Not Do What Two Thrones Does. I repeat, for the love of God, do not mimic this abomination.

Maybe I should mention what actually makes this game fun from time to time before I get into the many ways it fails. It is still vaguely a Prince of Persia title. Nick and I are about half way through the game and we've come across a few really cool environmental puzzles. I love this stuff. In fact, if the game was just built around this, it would probably be even more fun than SoT. Every sequel adds new moves into the mix, but TTT actually adds moves that make the whole adventure more fun. You can spring off of triangle jumps while wall running now, as well as latch on to soft spots in the wall. Heck, you can even use a grappling hook when you're the Dark Prince. Who doesn't love those bad boys?

And that's about it for the good. Anything else you can think of that would be found in a video game is of the lowest quality in TTT. Take, for instance, sound. I don't think I've ever complained about sound before. Sure, music can be bad at times, but who actually messes up the raw application of how sound is processed? The TTT team apparently tried their hardest to make every aspect of this game below par; you'll find your left speaker doesn't emit sounds most of the time. You'll also find that the initial volume is all messed up. Keeping the sound effects and music on high like the default has means you won't be able to hear the voice, the narrated story, at all. It's things like this that show just how sloppy this game was put together.

The worst part is the combat. I honestly think there is as much combat in the first five hours of TTT as could be found in the first five hours of God of War. This is a very bad thing when you consider that GoW is centered around fighting whereas TTT is centered around environmental navigation. I guess I could forgive their love of blood if it was at least fun to fight. Sadly, it's a chore. The buttons simply do not correspond to what is happening on screen. To illustrate my point when I was playing with Nick, I would hold the controller with one hand and push A or Y (the jump/dodge buttons) while yelling "I'm hitting A!" and we would both see the Prince swinging away as if I was still hitting X. This is bad control. When I go up to an enemy and hit X to hit him and, instead, jump off of him and fly in the other direction, this is bad control. When my enemy does a three hit combo to me and I can neither move nor defend, whereas my three hit combo gets blocked on the second hit, this is frustrating combat. Eventually, I realized I can just run up to enemies, hit Y, and toss them off buildings. Nick was angry that I was avoiding every fight, but when fighting is tedious and offers no leveling up rewards, why go through the pain?

Honestly, this would be tolerable if the art design was on par with SoT. Unfortunately, it's garish. It's bleak and uninviting. I understand you want this city to seem like the last place on earth you would want to vacation, but shouldn't the player want to explore? Shouldn't the game look good enough that I am anxious to see the next room? Instead, it all looks the same and quite atrocious. I don't know how you make something worse than the predecessor. Just use the same models and textures from SoT if you must, but make an environment I want to be in.

And then there's the Prince. Wow. I'm not sure if he's the hero or anti-hero because I know I wasn't rooting for him. He has this whole dual personality thing - hence the Two Thrones moniker - that just drives home the point that marketing ignoramuses made this game. He has no personality yet is quite hate-able. And, for some reason, his right arm is wrapped with barbed wire. It is so hideous to look at that I actually had to turn away during the cut-scenes. Do you really think a main character that I can't look at is a good idea Ubi?

A below average game becomes unplayable when your dark side surfaces. You actually have to play as the Dark Prince sometime and I have to say it is one of the least fun things I have done in any game since sailing the boat in Wind Waker. In fact, after playing through one section as the DP, I decided to simply hand the controller over whenever I am forced to control this horrible identity. There is almost no exploration at all in this form, just non-stop combat. Worse still, if you don't kill things constantly, you die. What? Does anyone think this is actually fun?

I did play five hours because I was hoping against hope that the TTT exterior would be scraped away to make room for SoT. Unfortunately, it only gets worse. The last hour Nick and I played featured no exploration. We stopped while fighting a lame, pattern-based boss which should not be in a PoP title. Please avoid this title. I would rather Ubi Soft just sit on the PoP franchise forever than make another game like this.