G-pinions

I must apologize for ignoring G-Pinions for the last two weeks. Unfortunately, since I am an English major and all my classes fall into that category, there are stretches where I feel dirty writing anything other than the assigned papers. While I spend more time avoiding all actual work whatsoever, as the deadline approaches I am even less likely to write about my favorite pastime because, seriously, I should at least get started. Ironically enough, I am typing this post two hours before my paper on French-turned-American-turned-Indian-turn-whatever Crevecoeur is to be handed in, yet it is still unfinished. However, I have restrained myself long enough, so J. Hector will just have to wait in its unfinished state while I talk about another in a long line of post-launch crappy Xbox 360 titles.

That may not be a fair designation. I widely exaggerated with the use of "long." Full Auto, featuring the song Fully Automatic, is only the second game to grace this sleek console since Perfect Dark, Kameo and all the rest burst on to the scene along with one or two actual systems to buy way back in November. I can't remember if I actually played Dead or Alive 4 or merely watched Nick for a few matches, but I can say with full faith that it is another worthless, shallow entry in the shockingly still relevant series, at least to those who have not yet played Soul Calibur. Unfortunately, Full Auto had only a marginally better chance of being a title worthy of my time than Team Ninja's latest flashy entry, and while it did offer a more fulfilling experience, it is hardly one that should usurp your time with Marble Blast Ultra or Geometry Wars.

I can imagine the head of Sega, who personally petitioned Wrigley or Extra or whoever actually made this game, saying "We need a shallow, forgettable title that we can release during the post-launch lull. How about something like Burnout except with guns?" Assuming that's how the conversation went, I can assure you that Eclipse (the real developer) missed their mark by quite a bit. Yes, there are guns present, but when you're racing on the same three tracks over and over again while slamming on the boost button to coax your odometer past 60MPH, I consider this a piss poor imitator of one of the most frantic racers out there.

For those who have played Full Auto, you're probably wondering why I am being so harsh towards this average title. Well, in this day and age, with so many titles available for less than $20, with a backlog of games on a short list of Best Games Ever, with next generation gaming in full swing, it's hard to respect such a weak effort. Yes, it is fun. It's an arcade-y, violent racing game. It controls decently well and looks like a really good Xbox title. But why should I play this when Burnout: Takedown is already out? The video game industry, coming off its best year in history, has reached a point when a solid though uninspired effort like Full Auto simply has to be forgotten and tossed aside immediately. There simply is no room for titles that are less than great anymore. With the PS2 hovering six inches off the ground at all times as it is dusted with thick coat of angel juice, the Nintendo DS offering amazing software on a consistent basis, and the PSP finally coming into its own, why would anyone spend $60 on this bland imitator? The Xbox 360 already has enough quality titles to make it impossible for any sane individual to justify a purchase of this game. You mean to tell me you played through Perfect Dark, Kameo, King Kong, Call of Duty 2, Condemned and Project Gothem Racing? You've already embarrassed your friends with your Geometry Wars score? You've beaten the ridiculous time requirements in Marble Blast Ultra and got a black gem in Hexic XD? Even if you answer "yes" to all of those questions, you still have no reason to buy this game. Have you not looked at the March release list? Do the words Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter mean anything to you? How about The Outfit and Oblivion?

I understand it's silly to review a game by just listing why you shouldn't play it rather than an honest critique of what's inside, but Full Auto just isn't worth the effort. If the world was truly run by the most intelligent beings on the planet, FA would sell zero copies and Eclipse Games would be forced to suspend all production until they come up with a worthwhile concept. Maybe every game can't be the jaw dropping experience I crave, but wasting my time with games that will only exist as trivia questions in the future because they are so darn trivial simply doesn't make any sense to me anymore. If you're not creating your own genre or at least improving on what's already out there, I have no idea why you're wasting my time with your existence.