Sunday, October 23, 2005
I'm not soft, am I?
Nothing is more emasculating for me than having to admit a game is better at being a game than I am at being a player. Though I'm not quite at that level right now, I can honestly admit that if I receive just one more butt-whooping, I can say with no doubt that Battalion Wars is simply too difficult for me. How can a cute war game that prominently features a character named Brigadier Betty be too hard? I'm glad you asked.
Battalion Wars is a perfect mix of action and strategy. And by perfect I mean it mixes the two. I don't play many strategy games but that doesn't mean I've never had to think while gaming before. For instance, I once played Donkey Konga with my feet. I wasn't very good, but I had to think... on my toes! Also, I'm an insane 50 hours into Advance Wars: Dual Strike. So insane, in fact, that the game actually labeled me "Hardcore." So obviously, I have no problem holding my own in a pure strategy title.
As far as action goes, well, I don't want to brag, but you can see by the sheepish look former opponents of mine are sporting right now to get an idea at just how amazing I am at hitting the red button quickly. Take for example, oh... I don't know... Super Mario Kart. Haven't heard that one before, have you? I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm the best in the world. Go on, challenge me. You all know where I live. With my penchant for kicking butt in action titles and logging a depressing amount of hours into (a) strategy title(s), you would think that combining the two would extract some uber-gamer from my ravishing bowels. You would be wrong. For some reason, when games feature both strategy and action, my gaming skills start to resemble a novice Goldeneye player whose friends changed the default setting of the analog stick when he went to the bathroom. In a word, I suck. At counting and BW.
When each new BW mission starts up I'm actually quite good. I take my troops, a battalion of troops if you will, against one or two enemies and, using both my ample cunning and deft thumb work, I dispatch of them with ease. But then the game starts complicating things. For instance, it throws in multiple enemy types. In Advance Wars this is never a big deal - I have plenty of time to see what's coming at me and can plan accordingly. But trying to quickly command your Air Strikers to fire at the Bomber while steering your Artillery away so it doesn't get blown up and trying to take out advancing Flame Thrower jerks with your Rifle Men while you, as the Machine Gun Guy try to take out the Bazooka guys all by yourself... well, things get a little hectic.
As good as the control scheme is (and if you don't know it you should really check out the columns section once in a while) it just doesn't work when things get really crazy. I know war is hell, but I always pictured hell as a quiet bout of agonizing pain. There is nothing quiet about Battalion Wars, but the pain is still there. What kind of gyp hell is this anyway? A lot of times I want to send one set of troops far away while commanding the rest to attack oncoming foes. For instance, in the mission I'm stuck on now, I have one Air Strike unit which is imperative to the mission. Consider it an escort mission in a war game - if it gets destroyed the mission ends. Obviously, I try to keep it in a safe place. But this leaves me with a dilemma: when tanks and troops storm my base I need to kill them as quickly as possible. I would love to simply point at an enemy and tell everyone to attack, but that "everyone" unfortunately includes that weak ass Air Strike unit as well. So I have to manually tell everyone to attack, which almost always leads to problems.
Thankfully, only 17,000 people bought this game so I don't have to worry about the peanut gallery mocking my ineptitude. In fact, I take pride in the fact that I am lousy at war. What kind of blood-lusting savage is good at war anyway? There, I said it. Anyway, my biggest problem is trying to micromanage troops in real-time. When things get out of hand, it's nigh impossible to keep track of what everyone else is doing while you are trying to fight off advancing troops. If I had to come up with an alternative (and I do because no one likes bitching columns) I would love the ability to dictate some strategies in the pause screen. Just like in NBA titles I can tell my guys to always double team when a certain player catches the ball. I would love to issue some "if... then..." commands in this game. For instance, if my Air Strike units need to stay alive for me to win, Stay Alive! Or if Acid Wielders charge my base, but have a weapon that only shoots 10 feet, my troops should stay 11 feet away from them at all times. If real troops can try to avoid death, I don't know why my cartoon-like troops can't.
The most frustrated thing about Battalion Wars is that it really is a fantastic game. I would love to see the rest of the vehicle types (I haven't gotten a plane yet) and see where this ridiculous story goes. If I could have one wish I would wish for a difficulty setting. Wait, that's not good. If I could have one wish (that pertains to Battalion Wars, this column has deviated enough already) I would like a co-op mode. Then I can blame Nick (who else would I play with?) when he screws up instead of my kamikaze approach being our downfall.
Battalion Wars is a perfect mix of action and strategy. And by perfect I mean it mixes the two. I don't play many strategy games but that doesn't mean I've never had to think while gaming before. For instance, I once played Donkey Konga with my feet. I wasn't very good, but I had to think... on my toes! Also, I'm an insane 50 hours into Advance Wars: Dual Strike. So insane, in fact, that the game actually labeled me "Hardcore." So obviously, I have no problem holding my own in a pure strategy title.
As far as action goes, well, I don't want to brag, but you can see by the sheepish look former opponents of mine are sporting right now to get an idea at just how amazing I am at hitting the red button quickly. Take for example, oh... I don't know... Super Mario Kart. Haven't heard that one before, have you? I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm the best in the world. Go on, challenge me. You all know where I live. With my penchant for kicking butt in action titles and logging a depressing amount of hours into (a) strategy title(s), you would think that combining the two would extract some uber-gamer from my ravishing bowels. You would be wrong. For some reason, when games feature both strategy and action, my gaming skills start to resemble a novice Goldeneye player whose friends changed the default setting of the analog stick when he went to the bathroom. In a word, I suck. At counting and BW.
When each new BW mission starts up I'm actually quite good. I take my troops, a battalion of troops if you will, against one or two enemies and, using both my ample cunning and deft thumb work, I dispatch of them with ease. But then the game starts complicating things. For instance, it throws in multiple enemy types. In Advance Wars this is never a big deal - I have plenty of time to see what's coming at me and can plan accordingly. But trying to quickly command your Air Strikers to fire at the Bomber while steering your Artillery away so it doesn't get blown up and trying to take out advancing Flame Thrower jerks with your Rifle Men while you, as the Machine Gun Guy try to take out the Bazooka guys all by yourself... well, things get a little hectic.
As good as the control scheme is (and if you don't know it you should really check out the columns section once in a while) it just doesn't work when things get really crazy. I know war is hell, but I always pictured hell as a quiet bout of agonizing pain. There is nothing quiet about Battalion Wars, but the pain is still there. What kind of gyp hell is this anyway? A lot of times I want to send one set of troops far away while commanding the rest to attack oncoming foes. For instance, in the mission I'm stuck on now, I have one Air Strike unit which is imperative to the mission. Consider it an escort mission in a war game - if it gets destroyed the mission ends. Obviously, I try to keep it in a safe place. But this leaves me with a dilemma: when tanks and troops storm my base I need to kill them as quickly as possible. I would love to simply point at an enemy and tell everyone to attack, but that "everyone" unfortunately includes that weak ass Air Strike unit as well. So I have to manually tell everyone to attack, which almost always leads to problems.
Thankfully, only 17,000 people bought this game so I don't have to worry about the peanut gallery mocking my ineptitude. In fact, I take pride in the fact that I am lousy at war. What kind of blood-lusting savage is good at war anyway? There, I said it. Anyway, my biggest problem is trying to micromanage troops in real-time. When things get out of hand, it's nigh impossible to keep track of what everyone else is doing while you are trying to fight off advancing troops. If I had to come up with an alternative (and I do because no one likes bitching columns) I would love the ability to dictate some strategies in the pause screen. Just like in NBA titles I can tell my guys to always double team when a certain player catches the ball. I would love to issue some "if... then..." commands in this game. For instance, if my Air Strike units need to stay alive for me to win, Stay Alive! Or if Acid Wielders charge my base, but have a weapon that only shoots 10 feet, my troops should stay 11 feet away from them at all times. If real troops can try to avoid death, I don't know why my cartoon-like troops can't.
The most frustrated thing about Battalion Wars is that it really is a fantastic game. I would love to see the rest of the vehicle types (I haven't gotten a plane yet) and see where this ridiculous story goes. If I could have one wish I would wish for a difficulty setting. Wait, that's not good. If I could have one wish (that pertains to Battalion Wars, this column has deviated enough already) I would like a co-op mode. Then I can blame Nick (who else would I play with?) when he screws up instead of my kamikaze approach being our downfall.
// posted by Tom @ 9:05 PM 
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