G-pinions

I think I have entered a very bad place. Do you remember when I wrote about Paper Mario 2 a few weeks ago? Do you remember how I said it was quite boring and completely unimaginative? That intelligent Systems should be ashamed of themselves for releasing such an uninspired RPG after Mario's last such adventure, Superstar Saga, was pure gaming bliss? Surprise surprise, despite the numerous flaws seemingly bubbling out of every silicon pore, I am still knee deep in this game. In fact, after completing the three hundred and second fetch quest last night, I eased the odometer into the 40 hour range.

I assume you have turned off your mind while reading this, so I'll propose a question to further this post: why the heck are you still playing this game? This is where the tears form in my eyes as I recount my days before I started playing Paper Mario. In January I was playing Metroid Prime: Echoes. It was a really good game, but it has the same problems as Metroid Prime; it's just too much. I spent more time racking my brain where that previously inaccessible area was than actually jumping and shooting. Every second of Echoes felt like I was solving some overly complex, Cube-esque puzzle. I needed a break. I needed a game that would allow me to fasten a drool cup under my chin and a bib around my neck. I needed Paper Mario.

So why did I think Paper Mario would help? First of all, it's an RPG. Though Nick and maybe other readers of this site may not believe it, RPGs are one of my favorite genres. There are many reasons why this is true, but one of the most important ones is that they are some of the most relaxing games around. I played Ninja Gaiden for five hours last Saturday, and I was completely exhausted when I was done. There is nothing quite like being on the edge of your seat for five straight hours, tense with fear the entire time and constantly seeing your video game dreams crushed by yet another death.

Paper Mario, and every other RPG for that matter, is the Sunday of games. I'm never on the edge of my seat, I never have to rack my brain to move on, and I never sweat with fear. Resident Evil and Ninja Gaiden may be two of the best games ever, but Paper Mario is what calls to me. It's the next best thing to sitting on my butt watching reruns of Friends. So I guess I just went the extra step, in the midst of a hobby shrouded in being lazy, and found the laziest game in the laziest genre out there.

Also, RPGs are a chance for me to really work that creative, video game developing mind of mine. You see, when a game like RE4 comes around and just is perfection in almost every way (except the story, which stinks) there isn't anything else to do but enjoy the experience. But Paper Mario, and just about every RPG not named Chrono Trigger, are so full of problems that I can't help but think of ways to improve it while I'm playing. I really hate being restricted in RPG, yet every single RPG out there offers severe limitations. Why can't I do anything I want? I don't think every game needs to throw in the good vs evil dynamic, but I would like some choice in how the story takes place. Paper Mario is just a long, poorly written book - and I can't even skip to the good parts. I think the days of scripted RPGs are over.

I wonder what an RPG that incorporated Pikmin's time system would be like. For example, I've been at the end of the game for about five hours now. What would happen if, because I didn't show up right away, the Shadow Queen rose from the tomb and started to take over the world? Everything is so scripted that the story is relegated to waiting idly until I come and turn the page. Shouldn't this be a living, breathing world where events happen without Mario being present? And why can't I get Luigi to team up with me? He's in this game, always talking about some boring adventure he's having, but I can't get him to tag along. Does this make any sense? Wouldn't it be better to have Luigi than a Gomba and a toddler Yoshi?

And why does everything take so long? At the end of the game there is a ten minute cutscene before you are able to fight the end boss. And then, in the middle of that battle, there is another 10 minute cutscene, this one even lamer than the last, that can't be skipped. I've sat through these twice now, the first time I read it, diligent story reader that I am, but the GC froze towards the end of the second cutscene. The second time, I just flipped to the TV and continually hit B to run through the dialog while watching highlights from the previous nights NBA games. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but necessary because Intelligent Systems hates me. I ended up dying at the end boss, which means I have to sit through another 20 minute of cutscenes when I finally win the game today. Can this really be called entertainment?

Anyway, I have only myself to blame. 40 hours is a long time to spend on a game you don't even like that much.