Monday, May 17, 2004
Random Rant of the Day
Ok, this is not a topic out to bash all that is sacred in our world. Honestly, it’s not. But there are just certain things that video games should not even attempt to embrace and the Bible is most certainly one of them. I mean, come on, it’s the Bible! Who thought it was a good idea to incorporate Bible characters such as David in Bible Adventures or Moses in Exodus and turn them into action heroes? Come forward, please, and receive your punishment for making me play a religiously themed video game.
Granted, there are certainly ideas, sacrilegious and blasphemous ideas, but ideas nonetheless, in which it could be sickly entertaining to make a game with Bible figures. To just throw a random idea out there... how about a Super Smash Bros. Melee - God Vs the Apostles? But, of course, I, as a good, moral man, would never endorse something so sadistic and twisted.
But, since we do live in a society with certain unspoken rules, such as don’t make a game in which Jesus can hit Doubting Thomas with a happy hammer, we will never see a game that lets the Bible be fun. So, I propose that any publisher who wants to make a game starring Biblical characters think about the potential fun factor of rounding up sheep for Noah’s Ark. Doesn’t sound life fun, does it? Sounds almost like a job, right? Right. So don’t make the darn thing, please. Oh, and for those of you who didn’t get a chance to play Exodus, let me fill you in a little bit about how this game works so you can try to muster the hate that I have for this game: levels consisted of you collecting Manna. To fulfill this task you must frantically slam on the B button which produces, and I am not making this up, the Word of God. Yup, you can attack enemies with the Word of God. By the way, for the truly baffled here who are using logic to understand this, stop. The Word of God, contrary to what you might assume, is actually just a floating ‘W’ that kills opponents as if it was a bullet. And, after you pass a level, you are forced to answer 5 Bible related questions. And not just simple things like “Who was that guy who was born on Christmas” (answer: Jesus). But hard stuff. Gah... terrible memories. The marketing department must have geared this one exclusively towards the Flanders.
Granted, there are certainly ideas, sacrilegious and blasphemous ideas, but ideas nonetheless, in which it could be sickly entertaining to make a game with Bible figures. To just throw a random idea out there... how about a Super Smash Bros. Melee - God Vs the Apostles? But, of course, I, as a good, moral man, would never endorse something so sadistic and twisted.
But, since we do live in a society with certain unspoken rules, such as don’t make a game in which Jesus can hit Doubting Thomas with a happy hammer, we will never see a game that lets the Bible be fun. So, I propose that any publisher who wants to make a game starring Biblical characters think about the potential fun factor of rounding up sheep for Noah’s Ark. Doesn’t sound life fun, does it? Sounds almost like a job, right? Right. So don’t make the darn thing, please. Oh, and for those of you who didn’t get a chance to play Exodus, let me fill you in a little bit about how this game works so you can try to muster the hate that I have for this game: levels consisted of you collecting Manna. To fulfill this task you must frantically slam on the B button which produces, and I am not making this up, the Word of God. Yup, you can attack enemies with the Word of God. By the way, for the truly baffled here who are using logic to understand this, stop. The Word of God, contrary to what you might assume, is actually just a floating ‘W’ that kills opponents as if it was a bullet. And, after you pass a level, you are forced to answer 5 Bible related questions. And not just simple things like “Who was that guy who was born on Christmas” (answer: Jesus). But hard stuff. Gah... terrible memories. The marketing department must have geared this one exclusively towards the Flanders.
// posted by Tom @ 10:09 PM 
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