G-pinions

This is a video game site and a video game site alone. This is not a site where we talk about politics, litter boxes or movies. We are game players and our roles, as handed down from The Giver of Roles, is to express our opinions and ideas about the industry that lies before us.

Because of these self-imposed restrictions, I am not able to tell you about Secret Window, the new movie starring Johnny Depp. I am not able to express whether it is worth seeing, even with a good or bad ending, because my opinions on movies are not why our readers come to this site. No, they want to know about games. One track mind our readers have, and I am not one to disappoint.

That is why the topic of this post is not the overall quality of Secret Window compared to other celluloid based medium products. No, the topic of this post is a breakdown of the yet unannounced game of the same name. Johnny Depp was even kind enough to stop by the developer’s studio for the day to lend his terrific voice acting to the game with his picture on the box. All together now, “Thank You Johnny.”

Be forewarned: because of the sometimes close correlation between the game and the movie, there may be parts of this post that spoil corresponding parts of the movie. Sorry, I'm halving the already slim pickings from our readers, but I feel it is worth it in the long run.

The game starts out with a cut scene. I know, movies in video games are bad, at best. But this one will be different. This scene will go back to a kinder, gentler period when a developer with certain time constraints or hardware limitations, were forced to use the in game engine to create a cut scene. This had its plusses and minuses.

First, the minuses of in game cut scenes using the actual game graphics: They don't look nearly as good as CG rendered art.

Now the plusses: by using the engine you are not restricted to only one movie. You could change the movie you are viewing based on what your character in the game is doing. For instance, if you're character is holding a knife during the game, they will hold a knife during the movie. If they have a crown of thrones (different movie, don't worry), you will don the painful cap in the movie. For the purposes of this game, I feel it is best to have the versatility rather than the beauty. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder anyway.

So, the beginning of the game starts with a cut scene. No title screen even. That pretty boy gets enough glamour shots as it is. Game loads from the memory card automatically. If no save is detected on said card, you will see the following cut scene:

Johnny Depp, the video game character not the person, is in a car. You hear his voice but see no movement in his mouthal region. He is thinking. He is deciding what to do. Subtlety, the control shifts to you. You have a decision to make.

You chose to get out of the car. Good choice or the game wouldn't go anywhere. You chose to enter the hotel behind you. As you enter the door the camera shifts to an overhead, classic Zelda perspective. Yes, the dreaded stealth mode makes an early appearance. There is a man sitting behind the desk. You can see a revolver sitting near his hand, but don't worry, he is asleep right now. His hat is actually pulled over his eyes. This couldn't be easier.

But this isn't an ordinary stealth mode. Nope. You have both a time limit, to speed things up, and a growing heart rate meter. Don't let that heart rate get too loud. If you can get to the other side of the desk, grab the keys, and sprint away before time runs out and without waking the guard, you win!

Now, sprint down the road outside. Don't worry about the guard. He's awake now but he won't catch you. Bust open the door and, Oh No! It's naked people in bed! Shooting time.

Game switches to a first person perspective so you can practice your shot. The naked girl on the left, she's your wife. You still love her, or at least want her to live. Hit her and you have to start over. The guy next to her is Ted. You want to kill him. You need to kill him. But, alas, there are certain laws that forbid that. But you do want to scare him. Like a Crazy Drift in Crazy Taxi, you have to shoot close enough to him to make the sheets turn brown, but far enough away not to shave off some dermis. Got it?

Phew... intense first scenes, no? This could be game of the year! Just remember who came up with it Acclaim.

Next, little caption at the bottom says "6 months later." Hey, if both Stephen King and David Koepp didn't have the decency to have a scene or two in between, I'm sure not going to invent something for them. The movie skips half a year, so does the game.

Another cutscene: Johnny Depp on the couch with a clock ticking in the background. Don't worry, this scene isn't for naught. If you look closely, maybe turn your head to the side a little, you can faintly make out the letters V-I-L-L-A-I-N-C-O-G-N-I-T-O on a book to the side of the clock. What's that? Could it be....? Nah. He wouldn't be in a video game, would he?

Thankfully, a loud rapping at the door stops the cut scene short. Better hope you have your 5.1 speaker setup for this. Remember to turn that bass way up. Oh no! It's a southerner! And he's ker-azay! Crazy and named Shooter. Did someone say run? Prince of Persia style would be perfect here. Run along the wall to the balcony, he's going to catch you! Good, now jump to the trapeze looking thing, careful, he's right below you now. Wow, nice one. That opened up the back door, but he's standing next to it with his manuscript. Don't let him give you his story! Dive off to the side when he attacks, then run out the door.

You made it out alive, but barely. The first page of the manuscript floated out to you. Don't read it! It can only be trouble! Oh no, it's just like one of your stories. How did that happen?

Now, it's time for some good old-fashioned dog fighting. Sure, Depp didn't fly a plane in the movie, but he could have. You don't know what he was dreaming. The trick here is to fly into the Borax Tower with enough power to shoot Queen Boobooka in the head. It won't be easy, she's sent her Royal Canadian Airforce after you. And, guess what, since I'm designing this game, I say there is a limitless amount of planes after you. Yup. You’re going to have to make your run into the tower with troops still attacking you. The trick is to just keep shooting. If you fly directly above the tower you can dive bomb the roof and make it in cleanly. Just watch out for the Guards of Veriski and you're all set.

Wake up from dream, resume normal sequence of events. The big black guy you call Ken just left your place, claiming everything is A-OK. But is it? He looks like a liar. Now it’s time for some Luigi's Mansion style snooping. Hey, if you didn't play the game you can't make fun. For those that did, you know it was cool for awhile. And this will only be one part of the game.

So get your vacuum and get ready to find Shooter. Remember to suck every curtain, he could be hiding anywhere. When you find him he'll run away screaming. That'll buy you some time to do other stuff.

Once you clear that objective, you're given another cutscene. Same couch. Same clock. Same book? Wake up and suddenly you're at your house. Er... you're old house. But you forgot to stop at the hardware store beforehand. Time for some MacGyver action. Look around the house for pieces you need to make a bomb. Champaign bottle? Check! Gasoline? Check! Really? You have two gallons of gasoline? Hang on... check! A dirty rag? Check! Dirtier than that! Um... check! Ok, now you need a flame. And not just a match either, you want to burn us both up, do you? Yes, a flame-thrower will do nicely. Now light that mother up.

Uh oh, now you've angered Ted. Insert cutscene showing Ted is a giant, cheating baby. Now it's time for some street fighting. Or, more accurately, Virtua Fighting! Weeeee! Ted can be Sarah... Roar... and our hero Depp will be the Drunken Master. Fight to the wounding!

Now here's a fun scene. There are two dead bodies in a car, and you didn't kill them. More important than that, you don't want to get in trouble. First things first, grab that screwdriver out of Sonny's head. Careful, don't want to spurt blood all over the car. Careful I say! Too much blood, start over.

The removal of the screwdriver will be handled in way vaguely reminiscent of, but in no way related to, the lock picking mechanism from Splinter Cell. The added element of time will come into play here, though. Go too slow, or fast, and risk getting your face all red.

Now we get some old fashioned Track and Field type gameplay. For those too young to remember the game (Dan....) just think Mario Party with 2-inch pixels racing. Slam on the A button to build up speed here, you need to push the car all the way over the cliff. No half assing this objective, you'll go to jail for sure. Use the analog stick to steer clear of any rocks or deer in the road. Use L and R to check your blind spots, you don't want anyone to see you push a car over a cliff with two dead bodies inside, do you?

The last part of the game is a one on one showdown between you and Shooter. Think Conker with humans here. Most people will run for the gun here, easiest way to kill a man, but Shooter is no ordinary man. Go for the sword or, better yet, that brick on the table. But just as you are about to finish him off...

New cutscene! Yay! This one is a longy so you better sit back.

Now, the real final fight. You vs Amy. Prince of Persia action again, except you have to lead her outside. Run along the walls and swing from the ceiling to chase her down, but don’t attack her. I repeat: Don't attack her. Not now, it’s too soon. Your goal is to make her scared. Make her run. Watch out for her legs! She can kick hard. Once you lead her outside it's just a matter of finishing her off.

But first!

Ted is back and he's got a broadsword. One on one fight, this time to the death. This mode takes place like Bushido Blade. So don't get cut, and aim your stabs at his cold, black heart.

The ESRB has ruled the actual ending is too violent, so Amy now turns into a giant alien plant creature. And the final battle is a turn-based battle like Grandia II. So, position yourself far so she can't swipe you with her leaflike tentacle, then stab her in the head with your shovel if she gets too close.

Phew, you won the game. Congrats. Now sit back and enjoy the movie. And always dip your corn in butter.