Tuesday, March 02, 2004
The hazards of gaming
We've all heard about how too much masturbation can make you blind and if you don't eat your fruits you'll get scurvy. But what kind of harm can a video game cause? I mean physical harm since we all know it turns us into bloodthirsty killers. But that only hurts the wimps who don't play games. Well, I found out the hard way that video games can hurt.
There I was, minding my own business, playing another rousing, one player showdown of Mario Party 4. It's the first Mario Party I ever bought - even though I own an N64, 4 controllers and a number of willing friends - so I'm milking the fun for all it's worth. Some might laugh and say "Tom, why are you playing alone? You just said you own plenty of gaming friends." To that I would say, "I do and I don't." Also, you can earn cool stuff, like a brand new board, by playing the Story mode.
However, as fun as it can be having a party by yourself... it's really frickin' boring. I have the game going as fast as possible, turning the text speed to fast and skipping the pre mini game explanations, but damned if the computer still doesn't take multiple minutes to take their turn. Those minutes were time I couldn't afford to waste. So, in a game where I was the 4th player rolling, I usually got up and walked around some while the first 3 players took their turn.
On one occasion, I ventured to the kitchen. My pasta was all done cooking so I was putting some sauce and cheese on it, not to mention pouring myself a healthy glass of milk (2% Deans, of course). I figured "Hey, it's not my turn, I can take my sweet time while the computer does its thing." How wrong I was.
I casually looked up at one point and saw the screen has faded to white. "That's odd" I thought, "I don't remember there being a white screen between turns." In the next second, it all makes sense. The stupid computer had landed on a bomb square, forcing an impromptu mini game. Winner gets over 100 coins. I was still in the kitchen when I saw that a mini game had started. It's the game where there is a curvy line in front of you and you have to trace the line as closely as possible. There wasn't a second to lose.
Flash back 5 days earlier. Tim, Dan, Nick and I are playing the same game, Mario Party 4. The cables behind my GC are tangled up, which means the GC has to stay nestled under my TV. The extra short cord is not long enough to reach my couch, so Nick is forced to move the couch about 6 inches closer to the TV. The couch now rests a rather uncomfortable 6 inches away from the heavy, wooden table in front of the TV.
Back to the present. I saw that a game had started and I couldn’t afford to lose. So, with fork in my mouth (horizontally of course, I'm not stupid) I raced to the couch. It's about 20 feet away, but I probably got all the way there in a second. Maybe less. We'll say half a second. I'm mad fast when I need to be. Did I ever mention that my super power is running unbelievably fast for short distances? I'm like an out of shape Flash I am.
So, I was sprinting to the couch, my only concern was getting the controller in my hand. In one smooth motion I pushed off my soft, carpeted floor with my right leg, propelling me a good 4 feet off the ground. I sailed over the back of the couch with ease. My right arm stretching out, in mid air, to grab the controller resting on the ground. The mini game was about to start; I had no time to lose.
Unfortunately, the cushion of the couch was not as solidly locked on as I had anticipated. As my left foot hit the cushion, I could feel it slide off. There was nothing I could do, though. My right leg hit the ground first and I grabbed the controller. My left leg was still moving at full speed, however. It actually gained some momentum as the cushion, leg attacked, fell to the ground. My leg, specifically my knee, slammed into the table. I heard a loud crash, but as the mini game had started, I felt nothing.
A minute later, reveling in a hard fought victory, I stood to bring my food from the kitchen. My leg buckled. Apparently, throwing your knee full speed into a table really, really hurts.
Anyway, the moral of the lesson is to keep your couch a safe distance from the table at all times. I can't touch or bend my knee for a few days, but it was worth it to see the look on that bastard Wario's face.
There I was, minding my own business, playing another rousing, one player showdown of Mario Party 4. It's the first Mario Party I ever bought - even though I own an N64, 4 controllers and a number of willing friends - so I'm milking the fun for all it's worth. Some might laugh and say "Tom, why are you playing alone? You just said you own plenty of gaming friends." To that I would say, "I do and I don't." Also, you can earn cool stuff, like a brand new board, by playing the Story mode.
However, as fun as it can be having a party by yourself... it's really frickin' boring. I have the game going as fast as possible, turning the text speed to fast and skipping the pre mini game explanations, but damned if the computer still doesn't take multiple minutes to take their turn. Those minutes were time I couldn't afford to waste. So, in a game where I was the 4th player rolling, I usually got up and walked around some while the first 3 players took their turn.
On one occasion, I ventured to the kitchen. My pasta was all done cooking so I was putting some sauce and cheese on it, not to mention pouring myself a healthy glass of milk (2% Deans, of course). I figured "Hey, it's not my turn, I can take my sweet time while the computer does its thing." How wrong I was.
I casually looked up at one point and saw the screen has faded to white. "That's odd" I thought, "I don't remember there being a white screen between turns." In the next second, it all makes sense. The stupid computer had landed on a bomb square, forcing an impromptu mini game. Winner gets over 100 coins. I was still in the kitchen when I saw that a mini game had started. It's the game where there is a curvy line in front of you and you have to trace the line as closely as possible. There wasn't a second to lose.
Flash back 5 days earlier. Tim, Dan, Nick and I are playing the same game, Mario Party 4. The cables behind my GC are tangled up, which means the GC has to stay nestled under my TV. The extra short cord is not long enough to reach my couch, so Nick is forced to move the couch about 6 inches closer to the TV. The couch now rests a rather uncomfortable 6 inches away from the heavy, wooden table in front of the TV.
Back to the present. I saw that a game had started and I couldn’t afford to lose. So, with fork in my mouth (horizontally of course, I'm not stupid) I raced to the couch. It's about 20 feet away, but I probably got all the way there in a second. Maybe less. We'll say half a second. I'm mad fast when I need to be. Did I ever mention that my super power is running unbelievably fast for short distances? I'm like an out of shape Flash I am.
So, I was sprinting to the couch, my only concern was getting the controller in my hand. In one smooth motion I pushed off my soft, carpeted floor with my right leg, propelling me a good 4 feet off the ground. I sailed over the back of the couch with ease. My right arm stretching out, in mid air, to grab the controller resting on the ground. The mini game was about to start; I had no time to lose.
Unfortunately, the cushion of the couch was not as solidly locked on as I had anticipated. As my left foot hit the cushion, I could feel it slide off. There was nothing I could do, though. My right leg hit the ground first and I grabbed the controller. My left leg was still moving at full speed, however. It actually gained some momentum as the cushion, leg attacked, fell to the ground. My leg, specifically my knee, slammed into the table. I heard a loud crash, but as the mini game had started, I felt nothing.
A minute later, reveling in a hard fought victory, I stood to bring my food from the kitchen. My leg buckled. Apparently, throwing your knee full speed into a table really, really hurts.
Anyway, the moral of the lesson is to keep your couch a safe distance from the table at all times. I can't touch or bend my knee for a few days, but it was worth it to see the look on that bastard Wario's face.
// posted by Tom @ 7:33 PM 
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