Saturday, February 07, 2004
News to me
So I'm just reading a post by my colleague Mr. Suttner and see that he mentions Big Fish as a point of disagreement between us. I love the movie, what possible other stance is there to take So he tells me, with full sincerity, that he thinks it's a good movie but nothing special. This upsets me greatly.
Obviously, Big Fish is the greatest Tim Burton movie in a long, long time. He started his career out with 4 amazing movies: Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman and Edward Scissorhands. Then his movies went to shit. Batman Returns was almost unwatchably bad. Wasn't Penguin supposed to be real sophisticated and smooth? Why was he a mutated freak in this movie? And it was also boring. I don't like boring action movies. Then he made Mars Attacks. I guess I could imagine people liking this movie, I sure have nothing against campy movies. But it was just so poorly done. And the aliens were so lame! All they needed was a Playboy joke of... oh wait, they had that. I didn't see Ed Wood at all, but I assume it stinks. Sleepy Hollow had all this hype and a great poster but it, too, was bad. But I didn't really start to dislike the man until a little movie called Planet of the Apes came out. This requires many separate paragraphs.
I wasn't a big fan of Planet of the Apes until the day the Tim Burton crapfest was released. My friend happened to own the box set of the 5 original Planet of the Ape movies so we planned to watch all five of them, back to back to back... ect and then watch the new one the last show of the day.
I just spelled files "fials" in an IM. This needs to be documented for historic purposes.
Ok, so on the 20 something-th of June in 2001, a Friday, my ex girlfriend Courtney and her brother James watched all 5 movies. We timed it out perfectly so we could fit in 5 complete movies and then have enough time to drive to the theater. Various other friends came and left throughout the day, but we were the only 3 hardcore fans who watched all 6 movies that day.
I was shocked to see that the movies are actually good. The 4th one, Conquest of..., is my favorite. It's after the Apes go back in time and are enslaved by the foolish humans. They are forced to do menial tasks like pick up trash and, um, clean up trash and other trash related things. So they revolt and take "back" the planet. Yay! The 3rd one is the 2nd best, it's when the Apes first go back in time, to when humans rule the earth. I don't remember much, there was a lot of talking and stuff, but there was this one great scene. The Apes we all know and love from Planet of the Apes were mistaken as real apes, the kind that don't talk and jerk off with their foot, and locked in a cage. Next to them was a 'real ape' but he was just a man in a monkey costume. I know all the apes were just men, but this was a horrible costume. Like Night Monkey from Jackass or something. Anyway, he does something and gets killed. I don't remember why, but it was great.
The 1st and 2nd PotA were good... but nothing great. The 2nd one most likely sucked actually. It was on AMC last night and I watched some of it, it was quite boring. Too much talking and there aren't even any apes in it. It's all these super human... humans who have mind control and fuck shit up. But they're underground so they can only fuck up rock and boring stuff.
The 5th Planet, Battle of, was horrible. Really horrible. They had no budget or script at all. I don't remember much... but there are two pretty great things. They say "Ape can't kill Ape" a lot, which is funny. It's their only rule or something. Also, they only had 3 vehicles at their disposal and one of them was a school bus. So there's this one 15 minute scene where there's a convoy of humans driving to attack the apes (I think that's the scene, who cares?) and you keep seeing the same 3 cars drive by. It's funny because of the school bus. I mean, if you only have 3 cars you should have 3 of the same or something so people don't notice. I can't believe that movie was released in theaters. It really is horrible.
Oh, one more thing about the original Quintilogy. There's a great paradox that occurs in the 3rd and possibly 5th movie. First of all, the existence of the Apes in the first place. According to the movie, the Apes existed in the 1970s only because in the year 3942, when PotA 1 is going on, two of the apes steal a time machine and go back to the "present." So it's this weird loop thing. I like it a lot. Also, unless I'm remembering wrong, the way the 5th movie ends the 1st movie would never have happened. I know I've said this outloud before so it must be true, I just don't remember what happens... maybe the humans won the war or something. Can anyone fill me in? Dan?
Anyway, as bad as the 5th PotA was, it's nowhere near as bad as Planet of the Apes by Tim Burton. What's the deal with that movie anyway? I mean, if it doesn't take place on Earth, where does it take place? And don't say the Planet of the Apes! And why does Earth's history change when they go back in time? The two moons present on the PotA clearly negates any theory it took place on Earth, so why is there that ape statue instead of Abe Lincoln at the end? And why did the idiot kid in front of me say "Ape Jefferson" instead of much funnier "Apebraham Lincoln? And why did Tim Roth breath so heavy all the time? And is it ok for me to be a little turned on by Ape Helena Bonham Carter?
Anyway, I clearly hated Tim Burton by the time Big Fish came out. Forgot I was going to talk about Big Fish, didn't you? But, I found out beforehand that Pearl Jam had a special screening and Burton asked them to write a song for it. And they did. And the song is great. So I had some hope the movie would be good. But it turned out to be the 2nd best movie of the year. Man, was that a shock. It was just one of those movies that gives you a happy, tingling feeling all over. I like happy feelings. How could anyone see that movie and not be happy? That's why I see movies in the first place. I didn't see that Mystic River crap because it's super depressing. "Oh boo hoo, my daughter is dead." I don't have a daughter, I don't' care if yours is dead. Stupid dead daughter movies.
Obviously, Big Fish is the greatest Tim Burton movie in a long, long time. He started his career out with 4 amazing movies: Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman and Edward Scissorhands. Then his movies went to shit. Batman Returns was almost unwatchably bad. Wasn't Penguin supposed to be real sophisticated and smooth? Why was he a mutated freak in this movie? And it was also boring. I don't like boring action movies. Then he made Mars Attacks. I guess I could imagine people liking this movie, I sure have nothing against campy movies. But it was just so poorly done. And the aliens were so lame! All they needed was a Playboy joke of... oh wait, they had that. I didn't see Ed Wood at all, but I assume it stinks. Sleepy Hollow had all this hype and a great poster but it, too, was bad. But I didn't really start to dislike the man until a little movie called Planet of the Apes came out. This requires many separate paragraphs.
I wasn't a big fan of Planet of the Apes until the day the Tim Burton crapfest was released. My friend happened to own the box set of the 5 original Planet of the Ape movies so we planned to watch all five of them, back to back to back... ect and then watch the new one the last show of the day.
I just spelled files "fials" in an IM. This needs to be documented for historic purposes.
Ok, so on the 20 something-th of June in 2001, a Friday, my ex girlfriend Courtney and her brother James watched all 5 movies. We timed it out perfectly so we could fit in 5 complete movies and then have enough time to drive to the theater. Various other friends came and left throughout the day, but we were the only 3 hardcore fans who watched all 6 movies that day.
I was shocked to see that the movies are actually good. The 4th one, Conquest of..., is my favorite. It's after the Apes go back in time and are enslaved by the foolish humans. They are forced to do menial tasks like pick up trash and, um, clean up trash and other trash related things. So they revolt and take "back" the planet. Yay! The 3rd one is the 2nd best, it's when the Apes first go back in time, to when humans rule the earth. I don't remember much, there was a lot of talking and stuff, but there was this one great scene. The Apes we all know and love from Planet of the Apes were mistaken as real apes, the kind that don't talk and jerk off with their foot, and locked in a cage. Next to them was a 'real ape' but he was just a man in a monkey costume. I know all the apes were just men, but this was a horrible costume. Like Night Monkey from Jackass or something. Anyway, he does something and gets killed. I don't remember why, but it was great.
The 1st and 2nd PotA were good... but nothing great. The 2nd one most likely sucked actually. It was on AMC last night and I watched some of it, it was quite boring. Too much talking and there aren't even any apes in it. It's all these super human... humans who have mind control and fuck shit up. But they're underground so they can only fuck up rock and boring stuff.
The 5th Planet, Battle of, was horrible. Really horrible. They had no budget or script at all. I don't remember much... but there are two pretty great things. They say "Ape can't kill Ape" a lot, which is funny. It's their only rule or something. Also, they only had 3 vehicles at their disposal and one of them was a school bus. So there's this one 15 minute scene where there's a convoy of humans driving to attack the apes (I think that's the scene, who cares?) and you keep seeing the same 3 cars drive by. It's funny because of the school bus. I mean, if you only have 3 cars you should have 3 of the same or something so people don't notice. I can't believe that movie was released in theaters. It really is horrible.
Oh, one more thing about the original Quintilogy. There's a great paradox that occurs in the 3rd and possibly 5th movie. First of all, the existence of the Apes in the first place. According to the movie, the Apes existed in the 1970s only because in the year 3942, when PotA 1 is going on, two of the apes steal a time machine and go back to the "present." So it's this weird loop thing. I like it a lot. Also, unless I'm remembering wrong, the way the 5th movie ends the 1st movie would never have happened. I know I've said this outloud before so it must be true, I just don't remember what happens... maybe the humans won the war or something. Can anyone fill me in? Dan?
Anyway, as bad as the 5th PotA was, it's nowhere near as bad as Planet of the Apes by Tim Burton. What's the deal with that movie anyway? I mean, if it doesn't take place on Earth, where does it take place? And don't say the Planet of the Apes! And why does Earth's history change when they go back in time? The two moons present on the PotA clearly negates any theory it took place on Earth, so why is there that ape statue instead of Abe Lincoln at the end? And why did the idiot kid in front of me say "Ape Jefferson" instead of much funnier "Apebraham Lincoln? And why did Tim Roth breath so heavy all the time? And is it ok for me to be a little turned on by Ape Helena Bonham Carter?
Anyway, I clearly hated Tim Burton by the time Big Fish came out. Forgot I was going to talk about Big Fish, didn't you? But, I found out beforehand that Pearl Jam had a special screening and Burton asked them to write a song for it. And they did. And the song is great. So I had some hope the movie would be good. But it turned out to be the 2nd best movie of the year. Man, was that a shock. It was just one of those movies that gives you a happy, tingling feeling all over. I like happy feelings. How could anyone see that movie and not be happy? That's why I see movies in the first place. I didn't see that Mystic River crap because it's super depressing. "Oh boo hoo, my daughter is dead." I don't have a daughter, I don't' care if yours is dead. Stupid dead daughter movies.
// posted by Tom @ 5:48 PM 
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