G-pinions

Half Life 2

2008-01-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

I have been hearing about this development studio called Valve for a almost a decade. They were supposedly this cutting edge developer taking first person shooters to the proverbial next level. But they were making games for the PC. I can't play games the same place I write my tragic poetry. It's like using the shower soap in the kitchen! I have been happily playing Perfect Dark and Halo this century, completely oblivious to their rather impressive achievements. That has all changed now. I have seen the light. Valve's three year old opus running on outdated technology even the Wii would be capable of emulating has opened my eyes to a whole new world of first person shooting.

It's crazy how much I have changed during these years I have written for G-Pinions. During the Early Years, Nick and I used to argue about the relative merits of story and presentation in video games. I was feverishly against anything that could potentially spoil my gameplay. "Games are about about action and reaction," I would yell. "No fancy color scheme or generic video game personality is going to get in the way of my gameplay!" I was adamant. Things are obviously different now, or I wouldn't have brought up this example. I would argue that games have evolved during that stretch. Half Life 2 is a great example of games that just didn't exist a few years ago. The gameplay isn't exactly jaw-dropping, but the story is so well-told and engrossing, the world is so real, the problems so immediate, that it was impossible for me not to be swept up in the damning saga of City 17.

I have never played a game with levels comparable to Half Life 2's. It is almost like a straight forward puzzle game, if that makes any sense. There is only one path through the majority of the adventure, but finding that path is where the problems lie. The full environment is your playground as you try to get from the terrifying Point A in which you currently reside to the glorious Point B that awaits. Sometimes you'll need to hop along structures that seem at first to be too unstable to hold a leaping man. Other times, you'll have to mold the environment yourself, blowing up bridges or moving heavy objects out of the way to make the pass accessible. And then there are the myriad scripted events - when you reach a certain point, a gift from god will open a door. Be it an enemy laser or a helpful hand from your mechanical friend, d0g.

The reason the level design works so well is that no section is overly difficult, but most present some slight obstacle. It works as a pacing device, to keep your focus shifting throughout the journey so your actions never get tedious. The game does a good job of shifting quickly between shooting, exploration and story sections to keep the player constantly accomplishing something new.

The story is handled in a fairly unique way as well. Instead of game-halting cut scenes, players talk to you without binding your movements. Feel free to toss boxes around the laboratory or strike your ally with a crowbar while they tell you about the plight of your rather oppressed people. It's a way to keep the player fully involved while important motivation devices are being layed out.

I'm sure other games have stolen pieces of Half Life 2's structure since it was released three years ago, but I have never played a game that fully incorporates all these ideas in one tight package. Half Life 2 may be the best single-player FPS I have ever played. It does not hold a candle to the complex story or striking ethical choices found in Bioshock, nor does it offer the unbridled fun of riding a Warthog with a buddy in any of the Halo games, but it has a much more complete package than any FPS since Goldeneye.

Two more quick notes before I end this review. First, the only real problem this game has is unforgiving collision detection while trying to navigate. It's easy to get caught on broken crates during the most hectic moments of a firefight or accidentally missing a ledge you should be able to jump to with ease. Not a game-breaking flaw, but it is certainly frustrating.

Second, Half Life 2 does not allow you to regain full health by simply avoiding fire for a few seconds. Theres are actual med packs scattered throughout levels. I forgot how much I enjoyed having to seek extra health instead of having it handed to me. I hope this trend of automatically refilling life bars ends soon. It's a very lame game mechanic.

I realize I am extremely late relaying this information. Clearly, G-Pinions has never prided itself on cutting edge PC information. The Orange Box just happens to include the first version of Half Life 2 that is actually playable on consoles, without severe framerate compromises. If you've never played Half Life 2, Orange Box is a mighty fine package. And if you have played Half Life 2 before, stop laughing. Not everyone can be as hip as you are.

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

2007-12-03T21:42:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to review only a portion of a video game? The first 90% of Uncharted is, without a doubt, one of the best games I have played this year. The level design can serve as the ultimate blueprint for developers trying to understand how to make a treasure hunting adventure. The shooting, platforming and puzzle solving are combined in a realistic manner, making the quest a pure joy that never suffers from boredom, repetition or unrealistic leaps of faith. The story, which appears to be a standard tomb raiding affair on the surface, offers a few twists towards the end that offer more than a slight nod of inspiration towards the literary classic Robinson Crusoe. The only thing holding this back from hyperbolic-less perfection is a harsh turn away from the established gameplay conventions towards the very end of the adventure. For a game as focused and well-constructed as Uncharted, it's a shame to see Naughty Dog's vision falter slightly. Those small sections aside, this is a landmark of game design and a true video game marvel.

Uncharted does borrow elements from some of the most popular video game franchises in the world, but it tweaks the ideas to make them fit into this ultimately unique adventure. First of all, the shooting elements seem to be ripped straight from the code of Gears of War. In other words, you can use cover in Uncharted. But the comparisons start and stop immediately. There are three main elements that separate Uncharted's gunplay from Gears'.

First: weapon strength. Fights in Gears of War seemed to drag on far too long because your enemies were overpowered Locusts from the center of the Earth. In Uncharted, you use man-made guns against humans, so individuals fights can be won in no more than three shots. I found myself wishing the fights would last slightly longer in Uncharted rather than growing tired long before the last enemy fell like I did in Gears.

Second: agility. Gears of War has you controlling a rather large man with the innate quickness of a dying slug. Your movement was restricting to plodding from one piece of cover to the next, making each fight seem like an extreme case of deja vu. In Uncharted, you control a man who could have been a world class gymnast had his love of treasure not gotten in the way. You can approach battles just like you would in Gears if you prefer. Or you can run around the battlefield, taking down one enemy at a time as you quickly zoom around your enemies. Or, if you're feeling particularly nasty, you can use your speed and athleticism to get close to your foes, breaking their necks to send a message to everyone else. The ability to approach each battle from many different angles is a welcome addition to duck and cover gunplay.

Third: level design. In Gears, the battlefields were artificially covered with huge rocks to make sure the stop 'n pop technique could be used ad nauseam. Because of the unabashed repetition of the level design, Gears actually reused landscapes, making players fight through the same arenas multiple times. Not only were your techniques extremely limited in Gears, but the battlefields all looked the same. In Uncharted, the level design varies in every new location. Some sections could have been pulled straight from Gears but others offer much more variety. Certain sections remove almost all the cover, so you are forced to brave into the open. Other times, you will have to traverse platforms while avoiding gunfire. The world is also much more vertical than any section in Gears. You'll have to fight your way up and down stairs, take down snipers perched up high and climb up statues to find tactical position. By using a combination of these elements in every fight, the game is able to avoid the repetition of the world's most famous cover shooter.

Basically, aside from the most superficial element of using cover in a gunfight, there is nothing in Uncharted that actually feel like Gears of War. Comparisons have been brought up in almost every review, though, so I thought it was important to address this concern. I just hope I don't have to go through the same checklist with every game that uses cover. Just like every open world shooter does not feels like Doom, every game that uses cover will not actually resemble Gears of War.

Another apparent inspiration: Prince of Persia. Nathan Drake, the star of Uncharted, is almost as agile as everyone's favorite Prince. Uncharted is not in the same league as The Sands of Time for platforming prowess, but it doesn't try to be. Like the gunfights, the platforming in Uncharted is organic. Have you ever stood atop a building (in real life), looked across the way at the building next door and said aloud "I bet I could make that jump." That is how the platforming is designed in Uncharted. Instead of arbitrary constructs and conveniently placed handholds, Uncharted realistically emulates crumbling ruins. This is a slight distinction, but the fictional tombs present in Uncharted are so expertly designed, so utterly realistic, it makes the platforming seem somehow real. Though the complexity of PoP's awesome levels is never even attempted in Uncharted, the platforming elements are still very entertaining and do a good job of providing a break from the shooting.

Now that obvious comparisons are out of the way, I can bring up the story. First of all, I have no clue where the idea that Nathan Drake is an "every man" springs from, but that is decidedly false. From that description, I always assumed Drake found himself trapped on an anarchistic island and had to fight his way off it. This couldn't be further from the truth. Drake is a treasure hunter. That's actually his job. He is fluent in ancient Spanish, can wield a wide variety of guns and is in peak athletic condition. He is not some lost Gap model who can't figure out how to take the safety off his gun. He has been in this position before. His companion throughout the journey, Elena, brings back fond memories of Jade from Beyond Good and Evil fame. Attractive without defying physics, and even brings a camera with her.

Towards the end of the journey, you find out there are other people inhabiting this island. Unfortunately, all the fighting techniques you learned through the majority of your quest are thrown out the window at this point. Whereas before, cover was vital and any time spent in the open all but assured your untimely death, cover is completely eschewed while fighting your final foes. They are not intelligent, so if you duck and cry behind the nearest brick wall, they will simply climb over and attack you. The most efficient way to kill them is to simply stand in the open and let your auto aim do the rest. It's not bad, and can still be quite fun, but it is a drastic departure from what made Uncharted so great. When I think about how focused the journey was before these new enemies appeared, I can only curse with frustration. Like I said, these few battles at the end are the only thing keeping this game from perfection.

When these new foes appeared, I initially chalked it up to lazy video game conventions. Many games change enemies at the end, a twist to unnecessarily prolong an adventure. But then I realized how this story mirrors Robinson Crusoe. You know how weak I am to classic British literature. First of all, both stories have a lead character shunning the standard ideals of humanity and making their own way through life. Crusoe deliberately disobeys his father's wishes and becomes a sailor, looking to get rich on supposedly uncivilized islands. Drake is a treasure hunter. He's looking to get rich by discovering his dead ancestor Francis Drake's lost fortune on some supposedly deserted island. Still not convinced? After settling in on an island and assuming they are fully aware of every obstacle they might face, both characters happen upon a lone footprint in the mud. Both characters realize the implications of a footprint, but a long time passes without any change in their respective circumstances. Eventually, Crusoe realizes the peaceful island he has been stranded on is really overrun by tribes of warring cannibals. Drake also finds new life on his island, though I won't go into specific details what he finds.

Since the parallels are pretty obvious, I assume there are one or two more major points that I have forgotten since I read Robinson Crusoe. But I find it pretty awesome that Naughty Dog was able to seamlessly bring one of the first and most well-known works of literature to gaming. I'm really interested to see if more developers try such a convergence in the future. It may not be long before the cannibalistic cravings of Gulliver creep into a holiday blockbuster. Personally, I can't wait until Link utters his first words, "Can I have more gruel, sir?"

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the jaw-dropping graphics at some point in this review. Uncharted is easily the best looking game I have ever played. Period. I may not know the names of the fancy graphical techniques Naughty Dog has on display, but I do know that nothing - not Bioshock or Ratchet or even Earth Defense Force - comes close to this game. The lighting is completely realistic, from the shafts of light breaking through thick foliage to the dimly lit underground tombs; it looks just like I would imagine a crumbling Incan rune would. And the animation! Oh my, how impressive. Every little nuance is on full display here. It's almost eerie. The cut scenes are also brimming with life. Sure, they aren't in the same league as Heavenly Sword, which more closely resembles an animated film than a mere video game cinema, but the impressive animation and well-thought out story make the usually abrasive cut scenes something I eagerly anticipated.

Despite one unfortunate design choice towards the end of the game, Uncharted is one of the most focused, well-designed and overall fun games released this year. Though it may seems like a clever combination of the best elements from Tomb Raider, Gears of War and Prince of Persia on the surface, the end result is an entirely unique adventure. Yes, the idea of buying a system for just one game is still a poor idea at best. But, if you are looking for a justification for owning a PS3 and Blu Ray movies just aren't cutting it anymore, Uncharted is without a doubt the best game on the system and one of the best games, for any system, released this year.

A taste of Mario

2007-11-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

I am freaking out with the sheer awesomeness that is Super Mario Galaxy. I am bursting with Mario love and need to contain it somewhere while I'm trapped at work. My expectations for this game were simply Game of the Year. After playing it for a few hours yesterday, it has risen to a place far above simple awards. Galaxy has redefined platforming and adventure games forever. It has fundamentally changed how to construct a level in 3D space. Most importantly, Mario Galaxy is the new high water mark for pure gaming fun.

I am not prepared to write a full review yet, but I have to at least give you a taste of this experience. Bear with me as I try to arrange mere words to describe this truly revolutionary experience. I won't try to explain why this game is so very different from everything else quite yet. Let me play through the whole game and digest its gooey center first. But I can say, it will make everything smell like septic slime for quite some time. If it is possible for a game to be too good, this would be the prime candidate to take this award.

Note: The following three paragraphs describe three separate experiences I have had in the early goings of what promises to be one of the greatest games ever created. If you would like your Galaxy experience to be completely pure, you should probably skip this column entirely.

At one point early in the game I found myself inside a small cube. Gravity was not welcomed in this domain. The walls and ceiling were fair game for my wanderlust. Using ramps to navigate the six sides, I was sprinting around the enclosed world like an overactive rat on amphetamines. It was fun and pointless, just like a game should be. But then, as I set foot on the ceiling, a box beckoned to me. I am well-trained in Mario. I know to open tempting boxes. I spun into it, revealing... notes? Rainbow colored musical notes bounced out, forming a line along the ceiling and walls. As I collected them, the music changed. With each note I picked up, one note from the original Mario theme was played. As I sped up, so too did the tune. I would have clapped with joy had I not been holding a controller, but I did shout.

At another section, I found myself in an open world with a towering mountain ahead of me. From the bottom hole, a cave three times as high as Mario and ten times as wide, a black thing began to slowly emerge. I walked towards this hole, eager to see what would spring forth. I walked in front of it just as a boulder came rushing out. I did a turn-flip and sprinted down the path in front of me. Just as it was about to squash me, I did a long jump. The boulder turned slightly and rolled harmless away from me. Just as I caught my breath from a near-death experience, a whoosh of black flashed from my left. I spun the camera and saw a Bullet Bill speeding towards me. His nose was turning red (was he about to explode?) as I started to run away. I jumped over a little hill and ran back around to the front side. I had lost him. His little arms waved in frustration as he crashed into the hill.

During a race on the back of a manta ray, I accelerated into an approaching wave at an odd angle. My craft shot into the air with me still firmly attached to it. I landed an inch from the edge of a bottomless pit, my momentum carrying me to sudden doom. I grabbed the controller with two hands and slammed it to the side. My ray turned sharply, still drifting towards our mutual death. With one fin hanging precariously off the side, we both finally stopped. Thanking our lucky stars, I turned us back towards the race track and began to speed off towards the finish line. As I was trying to reorient myself, another wave crashed into us, finally knocking us into the dark reaches of space.

In every section of the game, Galaxy offers memorable experiences like this. It quickly changes between an exploration heavy adventure to a combat oriented action game to an intense platforming challenge to an off-the-wall gravity-be-damned navigational nightmare and back to exploration without even a blink or a warning. This is the most tightly designed game I have ever experienced. If Mario 64 showed how a 3D adventure game could be made, Galaxy shows how one should be made.

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

2007-11-13T15:04:00.000-08:00

If the world was an entirely just place, my review of Phantom Hourglass would be a carbon copy of what I wrote in my Ratchet and Clank Future review last week. Both are uninspired sequels that are virtually indistinguishable from past entries in the series. Since both games are the first for their respective consoles, the developers seemed content to throw a bone to the novelties these systems make possible without enhancing the tried and true gameplay one bit. But while I ripped Ratchet for its blatant unoriginality, I am actually going to praise Zelda. Not because it's unoriginal, but because, even despite its familiar gameplay and world, it's still noticeably better than recent Zelda games. Phantom Hourglass is undoubtedly a flawed game that further exposes the problems inherent in the Zelda formula, but the streamlined experience is infinitely more enjoyable than what I was starting to expect of this series.

The main reason Phantom Hourglass is so much more fun than Twilight Princess and Wind Waker is simple: Nintendo removed the boring parts. It's such a brilliant idea! Oh, how many hours I could have saved if Nintendo had only made this change years ago. Both Twilight Princess and Wind Waker were chuck-full of excruciating side quests between dungeons that just dragged the entire experience through a pig's poop-filled bathroom. Do you realize how huge Hyrule is? Why do I have to continually walk across the whole damn thing running errands for ungrateful brats in TP? And Wind Waker, with its tedious boat navigation, who thought that was good idea? If I wanted to spend a week on a boat I would join the Navy's "Ride a Boat for 7 Days" program. Phantom Hourglass thankfully removed those grueling bits so you can quickly jump from one dungeon to the next. I can't believe it took Nintendo this long to emphasize the strength of one of their biggest series.

The dungeon design in PH is simply awesome. First of all, Nintendo did an excellent job designing this for the portable crowd. Most dungeons allow you to unlock doors at various points so you can take a break without having to trudge through the whole damn thing all over again. More importantly, the puzzles are a joy. I had forgotten just how fun a traditional Zelda dungeon can be after wading through all that torturous crap in previous games. Everything is completely logical this time around too. No more puzzles where you have to light all the candles in a room. In fact, the pointless lantern isn't even in this game! You still have the occasional lever to pull or switch to stand on, but the game does force you to use your mind more often than Zeldas past. At one point, you have to shoot a shy eyeball that closes when you look at it. I was stuck for a few minutes at this point. I tried to turn really quickly and catch it staring dumbly (I think everyone does this, as if the game is alive and not a flawless computer program). I tried to toss my boomerang. I tried to leave the room, like I didn't care about the eye at all. Eventually, I realized I had to string my grappling hook between two posts. I could shoot the rope with my back turned to the eye, causing an epic ricochet that would blind that stupid statue. Puzzles like this made each dungeon a blast to play through.

The main problem with Phantom Hourglass, and the Zelda franchise as a whole, is the actual combat is simply awful. In PH, both movement and swordplay is controlled using only the touchscreen. This is a very bad idea. First of all, your movement is way too limited now since you're using a touchscreen to do what used to takes an analog stick and multiple buttons. Rolling is almost impossible to execute and circle strafing around an enemy feels clunky and unresponsive. It also means you will swing when you want to run and vice versa way too often. Thankfully, Nintendo seemed to acknowledge this problem. There are very few times in the game where you have to partake in hardcore sword combat, and it is so easy when you do that you won't be hampered by the crappy controls. A Zelda experience with worthwhile combat would be a much better option than simply avoiding the problem altogether, though.

Another Zelda mainstay rears its ugly head in Phantom Hourglass: the story is insultingly bad. I have no problem with crappy stories in games. Two of my favorite games this year - Earth Defense Force and Crackdown - had completely useless stories. You know why that wasn't a problem? These games just ignored the whole story thing completely. In Phantom Hourglass, like every Zelda game, you have to sit through long, boring cutscenes when all you really need is someone to point you in the direction of your next dungeon. If a game is going to make you sit through a story, it better be worthwhile. There should be some work put into it. I would love to play a Zelda game where Link had a personality. I would love to have an actual plot instead of elaborate fetch quests. But if Nintendo is not wiling to let this universe grow, they should just cut out the pointless crap entirely.

The Zelda franchise will never evolve until Nintendo spends some time crafting an intelligent story and making sure the combat is on par with other adventure games. Until that happens, everything other than dungeon puzzle solving will just be a giant waste of time. I really have no idea why Nintendo is completely unwilling to include an interesting story in any of their games. Yes, the Nintendo fanbase is predominantly much younger than Microsoft's and Sony's, but that is not a valid excuse anymore. Harry Potter has proven that children love compelling stories. Nintendo can claim they are just trying to appeal to the family until they are blue in face, but it is apparent they simply think their fanbase is comprised of individuals who do not want to be intellectually challenged while playing a game. This strategy will ultimately hurt Nintendo more than their harshest competitor will ever be able to.

Until that time comes, Phantom Hourglass will be one of the showcase entries in the Zelda franchise. It may not be particularly deep, but it is fun in ways recent Zelda games could only grasp in small doses. In the future, Nintendo does need to realize that quirky controls alone do not make a game innovative. The last two Zelda games have relied entirely on their new-fangled control schemes rather than push the gameplay further with actual innovation. Now that we have seen what a traditional Zelda game plays like with motion and touchscreen controls, I hope Nintendo tries something drastically different in the future. Fun is the most important part of gaming, but when so many titles offer a deeper experience on top of unbridled fun, it has become clear that Nintendo will need to evolve along with everyone else.

Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction

2007-11-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting on this review for a week now. It's not often that I came across a game so wonderfully fun but still woefully unspectacular. I simply love the Ratchet and Clank franchise. It offers unabashed fun even the kings of the genre, Mario and Banjo, cannot come close to. By stripping away the standard problems associated with 3D platforming, namely platform navigation and sparse environments, R&C has always been able to hone in on pure fun much quicker than its exploration heavy counterparts. But this newest Ratchet, the sixth in seven years, simply feels too similar to prior outings. Though the only game that has given me more pleasure this year is the nearly perfect God of War II, Ratchet and Clank Future is so far from what I demand in a next generation experience that I am genuinely shocked Insomniac would release it in this state.

Ratchet and Clank Future is more of a next generation remake than a true sequel. The graphics are impressive and the game makes heavy use of Sony's motion controller, but everything else had already been done in previous entries. And much better to boot. The weapons, always the trademark of this franchise, are a complete let down this time around. Aside from two unique standouts, the game compiles a catalogue of slightly retooled versions of classic weapons. The two most interesting weapons make use of the game's next generation home. The Pyro Blaster, a flamethrower, most likely could not be done with the PS2's limited power. The flame is quite impressive and made me giggle with glee as a mowed down row upon row of emotionless robots. And the Tornado Launcher (guess what it does) can be a trying experience but I found it a blast to use. Ratchet shoots out a mini twister and, using the Sixaxis controller, you tilt you controller to steer it around the stage. Again, a very satisfying and useful weapon that simply could not be done last generaton. A few more of these and Insomniac might have had something special.

However, every other weapon falls flat simply because I have played three previous Ratchet and Clank games so thoroughly. For instance, you'll find a blade throwing weapon called the Buzz Blades in Ratchet and Clank Future. The same weapon was known as the Chopper in Going Commando. Future has a whip-like weapon known as the Shock Ravenger whereas Up Your Arsenal called it a Plasma Whip. Since the main lure of the franchise is the fantastic weapons Insomniac comes up with, I was disheartened to see so many of them had appeared in previous games. Usually, you are able to purchase classic weapons at a discounted price (game price, not real dollars) if a game save from an older title was found on your memory card. With the jump to a new system and potentially a new audience, it seems Insomniac was content offering classic weapons almost exclusively.

Even worse than bland weapons, the motion-controlled mini games are more of a chore than even your average Wii game. From rolling a ball to connect circuits in a security hacking game to tilting the controller away from missiles in a sky diving excursion, the distractions add annoyance to what is predominantly a very fun game. An even bigger problem is the return of the awful flying missions from Going Commando. I have no idea why Insomniac keeps forcing a crappy flying game in their otherwise awesome games. This is just a poor version of Star Fox that once again takes away from the brilliant action that should be the sole focus of a Ratchet and Clank game. These side missions certainly aren't game killers, but they do take away from the experience as a whole.

Essentially, Ratchet and Clank Future follows the same blueprint Insomniac created six years ago without adding anything significant to the equation. In fact, they have even removed modes. The online multiplayer mode from Up Your Arsenal has been taken out completely as has the co-op mode from Deadlocked. Though the core experience of Ratchet is the robust single player mode, it's surprising they would choose to release a less diverse product than previous offerings. And while I wouldn't have gone online anyway, one subtraction really does anger me. The arena modes, where you battle hundreds of enemies in adverse conditions, have also been toned down considerably from previous games. Not only are they much easier this time around (no more 100 rounds of death), but the diversity is once again lacking. There are only about 20 such challenges in the entire game. Since this is probably my favorite part of the franchise, I was sad to see such a poor representation of it.

However, even with all that negativity spread across this page, I still had a very good time playing the game. The weapons may be uninspired but I still thoroughly enjoy leveling up my Tools of Destruction and seeing what new features my guns developed. As expected, the game is simply gorgeous now. And though you travel to the most cliche places in the universe (ice, fire, and dinosaur-laden planets), it's still really fun to explore each world. I hate having to bash a game I really loved, but I have already written all about the positive aspects of the Ratchet and Clank franchise in previous reviews. I simply expected more in Ratchet's next generation debut.

Don't let my negativity get you down. This is still the best game on the PS3 and, if you aren't a stickler for innovation, it's another near perfect release for Insomniac. It should still be a must buy for any PS3 owners who demand fun in their games. But it's going to seem pretty insignificant when Mario Galaxy, a truly revolutionary platformer, comes out next week.

Everyday Shooter

2007-10-29T13:57:00.001-07:00

Everyday Shooter is one of the few games I have ever played that seamlessly combines the creative appeal of conceptual art with the exhausting demands of a hardcore game. My favorite games that strive towards something bigger - games that are commonly referred to as art - rely on movie conventions to create an emotional bridge between the game and player. Titles such as Okami and BioShock use epic stories and clever characters to deliver their message. And they do that beautifully. But Everyday Shooter attacks the art debate from a much different angle and provides an experience that is just as compelling.

Everyday Shooter is an extremely ironic game. Though the action itself is all about blowing up enemies in classic shooter fashion, the art elements create a backbone of beauty and creation. From a purely gameplay perspective, ES is merely a Geometry Wars clone. You control a tiny ship lost in a sea of antagonistic debris. Using the left stick to move and the right stick to shoot, you fly around the arena trying to dispense deadly objects in the most efficient way possible. This type of game has existed since the very first video games were created thirty years ago. But to look at just the gameplay in Everyday Shooter would be doing a huge disservice to this incredibly deep game.

From a visual standpoint, this game is every bit as striking as high budget productions tearing up the sales charts. But it will not make you scream "Wow" with particle effects or bump mapping. Rather, it is the color and patterns of your enemies that is truly breathtaking. Every level offers a completely unique visual experience that made me literally smile with joy. The pictures are so simple, composed predominantly of primary colors, that it seems as though a small child may have been the lead art designer. But the way the colors contrast with the background, or explode and evaporate, is just so striking. It's a gorgeous game.

The sound is even more impressive than the graphics. Instead of listening to the roar of your missiles and the blast of exploding objects, the world spits out a song with every one of your attacks. Your shots and kills essentially provide the harmony to the ever changing background music. With a random assortment of notes bursting through your speakers, you would think this musical mishmash would sound unpleasant. And sometimes the music does sound rather abrasive. But when you find the correct pattern in a stage, and you start to execute the correct strategy, the music comes together as well.

To me, this game is about creation and living in the present. The creation element comes from this ability to make music while you are destroying objects. Even if a swarm of enemies is overwhelming your tiny ship, you can still create a riveting soundtrack and beautiful images to make the passing into your next life really easy. Believe me, I spend a lot of time dying in this ridiculously hard game, so I know all about making the process as enjoyable as possible.

But the second thematic element of this game is what is really striking to me. So many games seem to focus primarily on getting to that next point. Whether it's the next level or a new high score, the act of playing is oftentimes overshadowed by the ultimate goal. Though Everyday Shooter still has levels to pass and high scores to strive for, the actual levels are constructed very differently. I spend so much time trying to make everything look and sound "right" that I don't really get bothered by my low scores or my inability to get far in the game. It is about being in the present, making my level perfect, more than anything else.

Everyday Shooter is not the gameplay revolution people may expect from the PlayStation 3, but it is a new level of art game. It is physically beautiful and aurally pleasing. Without question, it's one of the most interesting and rewarding games to come out this year.

Heavenly Sword

2007-10-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Sword is one of the easiest games around to dissect. On one hand, the story is as strong as you will find in a video game. With an engaging plot, unpredictable characters and genuine emotion, the experience wrapped my attention in a neat bow for my entire time with the game. And though the story alone is good enough to deserve applause from gamers and non-gamers alike, it is the presentation that pushes this beyond the realm of mere video game greatness. The acting and cinematography (is that the first time I've used that word on this site?) are so striking, it makes every other video game cut scene look like a Full House puppet show. On the other hand, this is a game you will play just so you can get to the sections where you idly watch. Heavenly Sword has fundamental gameplay flaws that keep it from pure gaming goodness, but the story is strong enough to ignore that pesky, predictable gameplay.

I fear that dwelling on the faults of Heavenly Sword will steer people away from this entirely worthy game, but I can't just ignore the gamplay completely. Can I? The combat, which borrows heavily from God of War, is simply not all that engaging. It is a game that focuses entirely on the bland relationship between blocks and counter attacks. You know what's not fun? Having my flashy attacks respond with the dull clink of steel hitting steel. Shouldn't I be carving into heretic flesh with every strike? Furthermore, shouldn't I be able to see what I'm hitting? The camera does its best to show the beautiful locale where you are fighting while avoiding the actual combat. The camera and fighting are serviceable, but rarely rise above mediocrity. Though some will surely find the give and take of combat rewarding, I found the experience exhausting and repetitive. Sometimes it is just more fun to ignore the standard rules of combat and spin around as fast as you can with your super sharp swords of death. Heavenly Sword is not difficult, but the fighting was drawn out to the point of boredom on more than one occasion. With a more diverse array of attacks or simply less focus on blocking and more on position, the combat would have been much more rewarding. As it is, combat is the cauliflower you choke down to get to the tasty desert.

So what is the meat in this food metaphor? Twing twang! Parts of this game have you controlling Kai, protagonist Nariko's adopted sister. I could shoot arrows from her crossbow all day and still make time to shoot some more tomorrow. In the finest use of motion control since Wii Tennis, you manually control your arrows in midair with the Sixaxis controller. It may sound gimmicky, and in truth it really is, but that doesn't detract from the fun one bit. From bending your arrows around a corner to hit a cowering foe in the face to guiding it through a level to set off some fireworks, archery is an extremely visceral, rewarding experience. And I'm not using those as buzz words either. You try steering an arrow around a barrel and into a man's skull without laughing.

When I think back about Heavenly Sword years from now, when the pretty graphics and intricate plot have long since been forgotten, the one thing I will still hold on to is Kai. She is one of the most unexpectedly interesting characters I have ever seen in a game. She is presented as having a Lenny mindset, for those familiar with Of Mice and Men. Though she is slight in stature, she is more than willing to kill anyone in her path. But like Lenny, she does not realize the power she possesses. Her family refers to her displays of killing as "Twing twang." She refers to it as "playtime." She does not seem to grasp the concept that an arrow into someone's forehead will kill them. She does as she is told, with a smile on her face, while I cringed and turned away. It is an extraordinarily dark concept. To use a mere child to kill your enemies, when they are completely ignorant of their power, is almost terrifying. Though that was my impression through half the game, by the end I had a whole new view of Kai. She has a horrible past and a legitimate dark streak, but she is fueled by love. She is a fascinating character and one I would love to see further explored in the future.

If you can't tell, I thoroughly enjoyed Heavenly Sword despite the cumbersome combat. It carries a creative vision rarely attempted in a mainstream game. From sweeping camera angles to picturesque landscapes, this is a showcase title for the future convergence of gaming and film. I would love to see the vision of Heavenly Sword's artistic director combined with the gameplay fundamentals of someone who has spent their life making fun video games. As it is, I am content with a game that only gets one of those elements right. Honestly, in a game this beautiful, even the finest gameplay would take a backseat.

Halo 3 Campaign

2007-09-24T11:31:00.001-07:00

There comes a point during the life of a franchise when a developer simply has to raise their middle finger to all the dissenters and focus on what makes their property unique. Though Halo 3 is merely a greatest hits retrospective of the first two Halo games, it is so true to itself and so focused on unrestrained fun, it has carved out its own niche as one of the most polished, vibrant and downright exhilarating experiences ever captured on silicon. Bungie was able to ensnare gamer's attentions earlier this year with an unrefined multiplayer demo that was still the most fun multiplayer experience on the Xbox 360. Now that Halo 3 is finished, and it surpasses all the hype heaped upon it, I fear for the productivity of this nation.

I run through the gamut of emotions when I play a video game. Rainbow Six produced the pure boredom usually reserved for war documentaries. Okami? A misty-eyed finish that would make David Jaffe proud. And who could forget my impression of an overeager child looking for praise after my latest Graffiti Kingdom creation? Games are able to manipulate my emotions on the same level as literature and cinema. Do you know what I was feeling playing Halo 3? Giddiness. I was actually laughing with sheer joy through most of this game. I cannot remember the last time I have done that. During the last level, I was laughing so hard and loud, with a smile simply plastered on my face, someone walked into the room and said, "Well if that isn't the picture of happiness." For all the technical magic and brilliant art direction, the thing Bungie should be praised and honored for is their ability to mass produce happiness. I laughed and yelled with joy for most of the seven hour Campaign, and the first thing I thought of when the ending played out was how much I wanted to go through it again.

There was one part halfway through the game which just epitomizes the Halo experience for me. Nick and I were hand delivered an assortment of vehicles to tackle those nasty alien imperialists. Our mission was to take our vehicles and drive into the very belly of the beast, fighting tons of troops along the way until we reached the behemoth at the end. Nick, being a sucker for virtual power, jumped into the Scorpion. An imposing force, yes, but a little on the slow side for someone as eager as I was. I grabbed the Mongoose, a tiny transport vehicle that doesn't have a single weapon but does have a ton of horsepower. Within seconds, I was but a tiny, still shrinking speck on Nick's screen. I weaved down a mountain path, swerving in and out of opposing troops, flying past turrets and speeding away from oncoming rockets. For a solid minute, I whooshed down the hill, laughing at my kamikaze attempt at victory and Nick's slow decent down the same mountain. Eventually, I reached my opponent and, so anxious to defeat the boss before Nick could even see the fight, I guided my Mongoose right into his lumbering body. I flew off a ramp, hoping I would be able to take him out with the explosive impact from my tiny vehicle. Instead, I smashed into his moving leg, which sent me spiraling away from him at 100 MPH. Yes, I was dead, but I had more fun in that short life than in just about any other game on the market.

Instead of trying to bog gamers down with redundant missions and technical feats that don't add a lick to gameplay, Bungie has made sure every element of this game enhances the overall experience to previously unheard of levels. The artificial intelligence, something that is usually derided or forgotten, is goofy and awesome in Halo 3. Enemies will dive away from your grenades and rockets. Or, if you happen to stick one enemy with a plasma grenade, his former friends will sprint from him before they share his dark fate. Sometimes, enemies will use a bubble shield just after you fire a shot, causing a perfectly aimed sniper bullet to thud harmlessly inches from their face. It's not the intelligence that makes the experience more fun, it's the sheer variety of what the enemies do. It is their ability to approach the same situation from different angles. There are moments when enemies will actually lure you out of a hiding place so a sniper can take a few pot shots at you. Or a Ghost will slam into your tattered vehicle, sacrificing their own lives so they can kill you with style. It makes every encounter unique and - do I sound like a broken record yet? - really frickin' fun

This is the first Halo game I have instantly fallen in love with. Halo 3 has absolutely perfect pacing. It always switches things up right before they become stale. From tight corridor battles to raging vehicle wars to bloody fights surrounded by a seemingly endless flow of ill-humored beasts, Halo packs everything people could possible want from a Halo game into one tight package. If this really is Bungie's last Halo game, I can not thank them enough for their effort and vision through the years. Halo: CE sent the standard by which all FPS have been judged for the last six years. Halo 3 has now raised that mark to insurmountable levels.

John Woo's Stranglehold

2007-09-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

How could a person laugh uproariously throughout the supremely stupid The Brothers Solomon but somehow be insulted by John Woo's Stranglehold? Continuing on the theme of stupidity which will crop up throughout this review, my first sentence proposes a question I cannot answer. But the facts are right there in the open. Even the modern day love child of Dumb and Dumber and Dirty Work has more intelligence than Stranglehold. This is not an example of a game with a misguided focus or one in which the potential was not realized. This is the sad vision of a development team that simply does not understand how to make a worthwhile video game. It may have its fun moments, but it's not worth the loss of precious IQ points this game will surely extract.

Let me get this out there before angry John Woo zealots grab a pitchfork in each hand to forcibly silence me: Stranglehold is fun. But what kind of criticism is that? I have fun with almost every game I play. Stranglehold is a poor representation of a video game, but it resides in a genre that is inherently fun. You run, you shoot and people die. This has been a winning formula since the beginning of time. However, even in a genre as basic as this, Stranglehold still stands as the new low point for intelligence. Whereas some shooters provide an incentive for mindless killing - in the form of upgradeable weapons, different playable characters or bonus levels - Stranglehold's gameplay does not waver in the slightest. Shooting is fun, but when the same movements are repeated ad nauseam, it starts to hurt me more than the virtual victims in game.

Unfortunately, though you only have a few different moves at your disposal, you'll still find your character doing moves you never intended. This is because the controls are extremely strict. This game is built around slow motion jumping and sliding on pieces of the environment. It should be easy to string together combos - sliding down a railing then jumping off a wall and onto a pushcart - but it doesn't happen nearly that easily. When you approach an object you can interact with, it is highlighted. Without bullets whizzing by your head, it would be easy to position your character at the perfect angle before you begin your attack. In the heat of action, though, it's difficult to highlight the correct object when you need to. Instead of jumping onto a railing, you'll find yourself diving to the side. Or you'll jump into a wall instead of using it as cover. It's a janky, broken system that quickly gets frustrating.

This problem could be lessened by some creative level designs, but obviously the developers messed that up as well. The levels are all extremely linear. There is only one path through, which means the vast array of pushcarts and railings become merely ornamental. More annoying is how claustrophobic everything feels. It would be much easier to perform ridiculous combos if there weren't four or five different objects immediately in front of you at all times. Though the basic gameplay mechanic could be cool, fights generally devolve into slow motion jumping until your time meter runs out followed by a brief rest and then you jump right back in the action.

Even the few new moves you earn do not ultimately add much to the game. Two of the three abilities are quite lame. One gives you infinite ammo and near invincibility for a short while. Again, it's fun, but it doesn't play any different than the main game. The other lame power is a kind of nuclear bomb. It's not an actual bomb, that would be far too cool for this game, but a move that kills all the enemies on screen. Your character just spins and shoots until his enemies are vanquished. It sounds fun, but it's merely a non-interactive cut scene in the middle of a fight. If you think summons are boring in a Final Fantasy game, wait until your gun slinging action is interrupted by a trite cut scene.

The final move is actually my favorite element of the game. It's merely a slow motion sniper zoom that instantly kills your enemy. But it is really fun to use. You can aim at any point in the body and see a graphic representation of what would happen if a bullet were to enter that location. Sick, yes, but very satisfying. Granted, this move makes boss fights quick and easy, but it does a nice job of breaking up the monotony of slow motion jumping.

Stranglehold is a bad game. It seems like it should be the Tony Hawk of shooters. You receive a score for each kill, the game should compel you to keep trying to up that score by jumping off more walls and sliding on more pushcarts. But with clunky controls and no in game rewards, it makes little sense to improve your kill score. The sheer repetition of the action and unimaginative level design bring the game to a crashing halt. Even the cooler action scenes seem like soulless filling, delivering more empty calories without an ounce of substance. The story is even bad when compared to kung fu movies. Though the game is ultimately fun, there is no reason to recommend this over any other action title.

Lunch with Tom - Bioshock

2007-08-29T13:57:00.000-07:00

It is impossible to talk about Bioshock without going deep into the extremely dark story and the almost perfect way it is presented. Because video games do not exist in a vacuum, the ideas Bioshock presents are not completely original. You find a dystopian society at the bottom of the sea where the residents have gone completely crazy after overdosing on genetic modification. It's just like a bedtime story my mom used to tell me. But what Bioshock seems to understand better than almost any game I have played is that this is entirely a video game. The story may come straight from a science fiction novel, but the way it is presented takes full advantage of the interactive medium it is being relayed on. This is a story about empathy versus greed, where the choice actually matters because you are making the ultimate decision. Video games have a long way to go before they are on par with the finest art cinema and literature have to offer, but if every developer takes a cue from Bioshock, we'll be living in a utopian society before long.

Now I'm going to move away from ridiculous hyperbole and explain why Bioshock is one of the best games around. Throughout the journey, you will periodically find people known as Big Daddy. Though armed with a construction grade drill that could bore through a diamond wall if given the opportunity, the Big Daddies are actually entirely peaceful beings. They exist only to protect the Little Sisters. These little girls, no older than eight years old, have been genetically modified to do the bidding of the most evil villain in all of Rapture (they actually called this society Rapture and didn't except consequences?). Their role is to collect Adam, the life force of dead citizens. Because Adam fuels this entire underground horror town, the Little Sisters are in constant danger of being attacked. Enter Big Daddy and his hulking drill. His job is to stand guard while the Little Sister extracts the precious fluid. You can walk right up to him if you wish, take a picture of his mug, and even kneel beside the little girl as she goes about her job. The Big Daddy is there to protect. If you aren't trying to harm him or his little friend, you are free to pass unscathed.

And this relationship is where the developers have manipulated human emotions like no other game I have played. You can choose to just walk right past these people if you want. But they have the precious Adam. Adam gives you more power. With Adam, you can shoot electricity from your hands and kill all who challenge you. Adam is power, and Big Daddy and the Little Sisters are the controllers of Adam. This dilemma has presented itself in countless video games. How often have you merciless mowed down an enemy and collected the loot they left behind? But Bioshock recognizes these conflicting motivations and presents this encounter as a serious moral dilemma.

When your first shot is fired, the Big Daddy roars with rage. Like a tyrannosaurs trapped in an underwater hellhole, it charges at you with the drill already raised. They are big, fast and incredibly strong. To provoke a Big Daddy is to spit in the face of death. But with Adam so close, how could I possibly just walk away? I need Adam! I need power. So I fought the Big Daddy. I would electrocute him so he couldn't move. I would litter the battlefield with proximity mines so he couldn't drill into my heart. I would lure him near security guns and into the random fire of the demented citizens. I would do whatever I needed to take him out. And all the while, his Little Sister stands by, crying for us to stop fighting. But we only stopped when he was dead.

I killed many peaceful bodyguards. It's what I had to do. What happened next was entirely my choice. After the battle, the Little Sister will run alongside her fallen companion. He is so large, even lying flat on his stomach he is as tall as the Little Sister. She kneels beside him and cries. She does not shed tears because she is in the middle of this horrible city without a bodyguard. She cries because her best friend in the world was just murdered in front of her eyes. She tries to wake him up, hoping that he is only faking. But she knows he isn't. She knows he's dead. So she sits beside him and mourns.

And then I killed her. I killed all of them. I killed every Little Sister in the game. I had already killed Big Daddy. I had already killed one innocent being. Why not one more? I needed to get more Adam. I needed to get more power. The game gives you a choice. You can Harvest the Little Sisters, extracting every ounce of Adam from their tiny bodies. Or you can let them go, taking just enough Adam to free them from their genetic prison, allowing them to live the life of a normal little girl. I choose to kill them. I wanted more Adam. They screamed every time. I would grab her with one hand, her tiny body could fit in just one of my hands, and I would extract her precious Adam with my free hand. Every time, over and over, for more than 20 hours, I killed every Little Sister in the game. And I am completely ashamed.

It feels pointless to dissect the other parts of this game. Bioshock is not about combat or graphics. It is not about how many weapons are present or how detailed the textures are. It is not even about water physics, of which there is no equal. Every element of this game is tied into the encounter between you and the Little Sisters. To make you feel the weight of your actions. The pieces of this game are not outstanding alone, but together they form a complete, emotionally exhausting experience. As a gamer, you can find better games out there. But as a human being, this is as jarring and real as you'll be able to handle.

I'm quacking up!

2007-08-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

I am now the proud owner of all three next generation consoles. When Twisted Metal 2 sang its siren song in 1997, weakening my resolve until I finally purchased a PlayStation, people were very accepting. Who wouldn't succumb to the call of wanton vehicular destruction? In 2002, Hot Shots Golf 3 proved too temping for me. I needed a PlayStation 2 so I could "grip it and rip it" with John Daly. A dubious choice, but HSG has its share of fans the world over. So what was the impetus for the PlayStation 3 to enter my home? Super Rub a Dub - the duckling wrangling game.

Obviously, I didn't get a PS3 just so I could play this water navigating tech demo, but it will always have the distinction of being my first PS3 game. Try as I might to distance myself from some horrible decisions in my past, I can't quite shake the aura of stink that surrounds me since I made Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo my first DVD purchase. Hopefully, the pastel-laden Super Rub, despite being largely forgettable, won't carry the same mean-spirited labels.

To anyone who would laugh at my seemingly ridiculous choice, I would counter that any man with a taste for the truly important things in life would have been powerless against the awe-filled pull of this mighty downloadable game. It is duckies in a bathtub! That's the entire game. You play as the *ahem* mother duck and you simply free your pre-natal, bubble-encased ducklings and lead them down the drain. Obviously, there are horrible consequences if you do not meet your task in an acceptable amount of time. Toy sharks, only slightly less fearsome than the real things, will savagely devour the helpless fowls if one strays too close to its always chomping jaws. If this game ditched the coloring book look and went with gritty realism, this would be too gruesome to show before midnight. But in its sugar-coated form, you merely see your ducks break off into tiny duck pieces before dissolving in the seemingly acidic water.

Even though unbridled joy is bursting from every pixel of this silly game, I was initially hesitant to even play the thing. I have grown to loath motion controlled games in the last few months. What started as a simple novelty has crippled the classic gaming experience I have been enjoying for the last two decades. But Super Rub is not a traditional game. Without the gimmicky controls, such a cheery title would not even exist in the first place. So I could lean and laugh like the developers intended. Super Rub is, after all, only $3. It's hard to find faults with a game that is so simple and so earnest in what it is trying to do. The water is beautiful, the ducks are, well, content to sit there while their predator circles, and the motion controls make the whole thing unpredictable and goofy.

Super Rub a Dub will eventually drift into complete irrelevance for most people, I assume it has already been largely forgotten, But I am glad I spent a few bucks to make it my first PS3 game. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cram a few more trusting birds down a drain pipe.

New games are coming

2007-07-30T21:02:00.001-07:00

Mario Strikers Charged - When I look down at my $250 YouTube machine I can't help but feel I'm missing something. The world is opening its mouth wide and inhaling the Wii with relish. Nintendo's perpetual motion machine is selling more than the PS3 and X360 combined and frequently appears in mainstream publications that previously shunned every aspect of gaming. The Wii has created a world where it is not only right to play tricks on grandma, but actively encourages it. She really think that 5 inch piece of plastic is a bowling ball, poor thing. But I, a gamer for the past 21 years and a Nintendo fan for life, can only watch with disdain as another Wii game attempts to destroy my favorite hobby.

So I approach this new soccer game with some caution. The one place where a motion controller should shine is on a sports field. Trying to play a traditional game on the Wii is a drag but sports are all about moving and shaking anyway. Would it really be a bad thing to extend that movement to the controller? The game is essentially the same as the Gamecube original, but it does provide a limited online experience. I'm sure it has all the wackiness you would expect from a Mario sports title as well. Wish me luck.

Picross DS - Have I mentioned that my new job is just as boring as my old job? While the work itself is tedious and draining, my NDS is chugging along like a champ. Those stolen moments in the bathroom, just me and my NDS, they make the day bearable. Hopefully, this new title will be able to fill the void that wretched Pokemon game could not plug. Picross is basically Suduko without numbers. It sounds easy but I imagine it gets ridiculously hard at some point, as all cerebral puzzle games do. Check out Wii Picross for a free trial. If you like it, the real game is only $20. If you don't like it, well, that's a sure sign you're soft in the head. This is a smart person game. Go back to playing tricks on grandma if you can't handle it.

Spelling Challenges - I have no idea what this game is. Sure, on paper it sounds fun. A game that tests your spelling ability, right? Sounds fairly basic. But then the tangible elements of how this game actually functions rears its horrible head of truth. Does the game yell out words, like a real spelling moderator would? Can you ask it for a definition or, if you're feeling cheeky, the country of origin? Or does the game show you a picture of a dog and demand that you spell it? It could even punish wrong answers by slamming the DS's convenient clam-shell design on your tender fingers! I honestly don't know the answer to these poignant questions. Without expertly drawn pictures or some heavy duty artificial intelligence with voice recognition, this seems like a lame attempt to cash in on the success of all those Brain games.

Yie Ar Kung-Fu

2007-07-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

If Xbox Live Arcade was a physical museum instead of a virtual one, Yie Ar Kung-Fu would be shunted somewhere towards the back. A sleepy-eyed tour guide would stress its importance in the early years of gaming while trying to ignore the stifled laughs of restless museum-goers. After thirty seconds of archaic gameplay footage, guests would happily sprint to more worthwhile exhibits, forgetting this dusty fighter as soon as it left their sights.

When you consider the vast treasure of early gaming that lays untapped, it is quite puzzling that Konami would retrieve this game from the ether. There is a reason people consider Street Fighter II the first relevant fighting game ever created: it is. With minuscule sprites and an even smaller move list, Yie Ar Kung-Fu should serve as a warning sign to every publisher hoping to dump their unloved creation on the unsuspecting public.

Sadly, you can only select one character to play as. But the main character has a name and personality we can all get behind. Oolong not only can fight with the best of them, he comes equipped with a brilliant pair of blue parachute pants. If you're going to hang out in a gaming sewer for an afternoon, you could do a lot worse than battling your way through the cast of characters in this literally translated tournament. Closely following the ancient martial arts rule that all fighters must be named after their weapon of choice, you'll battle the likes of Star, Pole and Fan. It's a shame Wang was left as an NES exclusive.

You may be wondering what sort of weapon Oolong wields. Could Oolong be another word for mace or (crosses fingers) rocket launcher? Unfortunately this is not the case. My Japanese is a little rusty, but I think Oolong means fist, foot or unarmed wuss. While you have to jump away from ninja stars and dive out of the way of speeding swords, you opponents just have to worry about your tiny fists of fury.

While the controls are as responsive as you could ask of a 22-year-old fighting game, the amount of moves you have at your disposal is shallow at best. One of the Achievements urges you to land every punch combination in a single match. Yeah, there's less than a handful of moves available. At least the game is two player, right? Every game is better with a friend! Well, none of my friends are simple enough to buy this game, but I did orchestrate an online match against a complete stranger. After losing, I am still not quite sure how the mode functions. I know that I did not fight my opponent, but since there are only two characters on screen, I have no idea what I did to lose.

Baffling multiplayer aside, this game has very few redeeming qualities. It just makes me laugh that Konami thought it would delight the masses by bringing this moldy relic to XBLA. It is the worst game on the service, vastly overpriced at $5. Or maybe Im just bitter about the egregious lack of Wang.

Turok E3

2007-07-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

Tuork has more pressure than just about any other game in development today. Consider these simple facts. First, dinosaurs are objectively awesome. Satan wouldn't have been able to make us doubt the existence of God if the bones he scattered around the earth were lame single-celled organisms or no longer leafy green plants. Second, Turok is the only game that actually stars these fantastic mythical beasts. How crazy is that? We finally have the technology to create the most realistic version of dinosaurs that have ever existed, and we're saddled with war games and, I don't know, Sudoku. Thankfully, the one dinosaur fueled game coming out not only looks incredible, it plays like a dream. With Rare shockingly absent from the E3 festivities this year, Turok was the one game that could make my trip worthwhile. Needless to say, watching a raptor feast on the entrails of my still breathing enemy as I walked up behind the animal and plunged a knife through his shockingly developed brain, I did not have an ounce of regret for taking a week off of work.

Granted, there is only one element separating Turok from the mass of other first person shooters on the market. But fighting dinosaurs changes the feel of the entire game. I have played so many games where I have to kill an invading alien army or, and this is as bad as it gets, mere humans, that the thrill of the hunt has been completely lost. But to run from a pack of raptors, to hunt one while being hunted by a hidden group just out of sight, is exponentially more intense than plugging some bipedal moron.

The level design caters to this invisible fear. Instead of carving a strict route through a barren jungle, the world is completely open. You can climb a giant rock to snipe your foes from afar or crawl through the grass with knife in hand. It really makes other shooters feel lifeless. I am shocked that, with all the heavy hitters proudly on display at E3, Turok was the most impressive game I saw at the show. It contains the visceral joy from Gears of War with an enemy that is actually interesting. I can't wait until this comes out in February.

Planet Puzzle League

2007-06-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Maybe there is a link between actions performed within the safe confines of a game and actions performed in the real world. Obviously, to actively emulate what your on screen avatar can do is a sure sign of insanity beyond repair. If your confidence in being able to jump across a bottomless pit stems from your adventures in the Mushroom Kingdom, you will never hold an award for Most Evolved Person. However, it's the involuntary actions that continue to exist long after a system has been turned off that plagues me. Though I haven't touched Planet Puzzle League in four days, I still attempt to rearrange everyday objects in groups of three. If only the keys on my keyboard would just line up for once.

With PPL's undeniable staying power, it would be very difficult for me to bash this game. How many titles can claim such a lasting impression? However, I am not ready to fawn over this like it's the second coming of Tetris Attack. PPL for the Nintendo DS does not reinvent puzzle games like the original Tetris Attack did with its crazy take on block stacking. Nor does it add a level of depth to an old classic like Pac-Man Championship Edition. PPL is not a must have game for those people who loved Tetris Attack and are begging for a new experience within that 6x12 universe. Instead, PPL is a portable clone of the original game, only now offering an impersonal multiplayer mode that is boring times ten.

The biggest difference between PPL and the classic it spawned from is online multiplayer. I can understand the fascination with online multiplayer in a complex, competitive environment such as Halo. When you are on a team with your friends and everyone is wearing a headset and making jokes. When you are trying to work together to secure that elusive flag. That is a good way to utilize the strengths of multiplayer gaming. Yes, it is still impersonal, but at least there is a reason for it to exist. In PPL, playing online feels exactly like playing against the computer. There is no feeling of camaraderie or even competitiveness. It is just the utilitarian task of making combos and clearing garbage. That you can now challenge the best PPL players in the world from the comforts of your nearest wireless depot is only interesting on paper. I would rather play a long distance chess game where you mail your next move to your mentor who happens to live in a region with no computers or telephones. At least there is a personal touch to that horrendously slow chess match. Without any voice or character, the online mode in PPL is completely worthless.

The other addition is a mixed bag. Now you can control your game using the stylus. Yes, this once again seems good on paper, but in practice doesn't actually add that much. Like all touch screen games, the control is not quite as precise as using buttons. If a level rises unexpectedly or shifts in a manner you didn't predict, you'll find yourself sliding the wrong block. Not a huge problem, but has caused a few angry yells to escape from the sanctuary I played this game. What the stylus does offer is speed. When things are clicking, you can move tiles much faster than the SNES pad would have ever allowed, making 5x chains seem like mere child's play. It adds a slightly new element that gives experts something to learn.

But isn't that the point of this game? For experts to show off their mad skills? PPL has turned into the hardcore puzzle players game of choice, and that is not a good thing for your less than skilled narrator. PPL is merely average if you lack inhuman spacial resoning. To play this game for three block matches is boring and pointless. It is about the massive chains and screen clearing combos. Without the ability to perform those complex maneuvers, the game grows stale much faster than more accessible puzzle games.

The stylus controls brings forth the obvious comparison to Meteos, and that made me long for the days when I could rocket pieces right out of the playing field rather than merely make them disappear. Meteos is a fun game for casual fans. You can get rid of pieces with pure luck and chains were not exactly emphasized. It was just a fun puzzle game that took advantage of the touch screen. It was as much about clearing the screen as it was about collecting objects and building new planets. Meteos is not only more original and accessible than PPL, it also offers a deeper experience away from the main puzzle game. And that is why I would still nominate Meteos as the best puzzle game on the Nintendo DS. For those hardcore gamers who live to compete, there is not a better game in the world than Tetris Attack and it's various offspring. For the rest of the population, if Tetris Attack has treated you poorly in the past, you can still find a home in Meteos.

I'm not going to say that Planet Puzzle League is a bad game. It's basically a remake of one of the greatest video games of all time so it is obviously a damn good game as well. But the core of the Tetris Attack games is competition. I've already explained why online play is quite lame, but even local matches take a serious hit compared to the SNES original. There is something lacking when everyone has their face buried in their own NDS rather than staring at a huge TV with all the action right in front of you. If you're on the road a lot, this is a great puzzle game to add to your collection. It isn't as good as the game it's based on, but it's still one of the best portable puzzle games around.

New job, new Pac-Man

2007-06-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

I have two rearview mirrors attached to my monitor so I can see people sneaking up behind me. To my left, though clearly and always in my view, is a little blue man, flexible as Flex Armstrong, with a clock for a head and the words "Quality Training" smeared across his chest. Away from technology and social interaction the past few days, he has become my best friend. I would die for him. I made him a vest from my only rubberband so he could keep warm. Eight or nine times a day, I rewrap his vest to keep it looking tight and presentable. A Tom first: I have been working at a job where I have had nothing to do - literally - for almost four complete days. A G-Pinions first: this entry was created in a spiral notebook. Can you see the blue lines? You can decipher my blind man scrawl?

Despite being gainfully employed for the first time in twelve fortnights, I have still been playing games at night with the fervor of a very large man trying to cram one last brisket down his throat before the buffet line is permanently closed. Thanks to the kind folks at Microsoft, who have kept me sane during this abhorrently long gaming drought, I have been enjoying a bevy of enthralling Xbox Live Arcade games. I have already written a comprehensive look at Settlers of Catan for next week, a game which requires an entry unto itself to decipher the huge impact it has had on my gaming habits, so this column will focus on the latest entry in Microsoft's increasingly relevant online gaming service. I present to you the first new Pac-Man game from the mind of Toru Iwatani since the original was released more than twenty five years ago. Pac-Man Championship Edition was worth the wait.

Though my first video game system was a moldy looking Intellivision, I did not lose myself in virtual worlds until I got an NES at the age of six. Since that time, I have not been able to understand the appeal in these simple, single-screen arcade games. With no tangible levels and the only goal to simply score as many points as possible, these primitive games could not keep my attention longer than one in-game life. I had never caught so much as a Pac-Man Head Cold. And yet, I found myself crashing and bleeding out - with joy! - playing this brand new Pac-Man game last night. I finally understand why songs have been written to honor the decapitated remains of this perpetually hungry ghost eating monster.

Why is PMCE so amazing? Because the levels are fast and dynamic. Whereas the original Pac-Man was a static, repetitive affair, CE brings morphing levels and tangible goals to the mix. By eating all the dots in one hemisphere, you cause an all-powerful piece of fruit to appear near the nest of your undead enemies. Eat the fruit to repopulate the side with (seemingly) tasty pellets as well as reorganize the very foundation of the levels. Though the basic mechanics remain untouched, the ever-changing levels add a level of unbridled chaos I have never before experienced in a Pac-Man game.

The ultimate goal is still to score as many points as possible. However, this game no longer continues indefinitely. You have time constraints to deal with now. Your entire game will last no more than ten minutes, no matter what your skill level is. To complete each mode, you need only stay alive until the clock finally saves you from this nightmarish world of respawning ghosts. To impress your friends, you will need to eat an unholy amount of ghosts and go through as many level variants as you conceivably can.

This is the game people have been waiting for since Geometry Wars Evolved debuted with the system. It is fast and dynamic and dangerously addicting. With strict boundaries, the highest score will always seem within reach. "Just a few more ghosts and cherries," you may think, "and I can stand at the top of my friend's leaderboard." By restricting how much time you can spend in a maze, the pressure to continuously eat is hanging over your head like the angry soul of a devoured ghost. This is an honest, captivating sequel to one of the most important games to ever grace this industry. I implore you to buy this game, despite the high asking price of $10. This is one of the most pure, visceral gaming experiences to hit a next gen console.

I'm not.

2007-06-07T00:10:00.001-07:00

:-P

I am already tired of Halo 3

2007-05-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Note: This is a review of a beta build. I understand how stupid that is. Please don't remind me.

I may be the only gamer on the planet who honestly does not enjoy playing unfinished builds of games. I have been traumatized by flashing lights and crashing games at three different Electronic Entertainment Expos, I have pleaded with developers to just cut their loses and cancel their crappy game at numerous focus groups, and I have had my eyes water with the brutal punishment found in countless demos. I do not understand the appeal of playing games before they are finished. Halo 3 beta reinforces this idea to the point that I am on all fours, begging for the abuse to stop. There is a reason Halo 3 is not actually coming out until September 25 - it's an incomplete mess.

I hate to use decimal points to insult a game, but the Halo 3 beta has earned that most petty of insults. This is Halo 2.2. The graphics are slightly better (although, when I first saw the game in motion on a 45" HD screen, I could not tell if it was Halo 3 or Halo 2) and there are some new weapons and scenarios to play around with. Those minor upgrades, the kind of upgrades (other than graphics) a developer could charge 800 points for on the Marketplace, are not enticing enough for me to dub thee Halo 3. The developers offered a few minor tweaks on the basic Halo formula and went back to their massive pile of money.

Why do I sound so bitter? I am actually bored of the game after playing just 35 matches. I haven't even touched the game in a week. When I see a friend online playing the Beta, I invite him to play Settlers of Catan with me instead of joining him for what will invariably be a frustrating and even boring experience. It can still be kind of fun when you play with a big group of friends, just like every multiplayer game ever released, and I am still looking forward to the cooperative campaign mode, but the basic mechanic of killing strangers with shotguns and plasma grenades has grown stale. I have loved and played Halo since the beginning, when my only Xbox owning buddy forced me to play the part of his reckless driving victim on the vast fields of Blood Gultch, but the formula seems antiquated to me now. With three years in development and expectations at an all time high, I expected Bungie to reinvent the way I play multiplayer games. I wanted them to shake the very foundation of First Person Shooters. Instead, they added a portable bubble shields and man cannons.

Halo 3 is not just for fans of the series, it is for people who want to play the same game with a different controller. I cannot believe Bungie has the gall to release a Beta that offers the most basic upgrades imaginable. Even more shocking, I can't believe people are actually praising them for their meager efforts. Anyone who has read this site at any point in the last few years should know that I hate what Electronic Arts and Activision are doing to this industry. I have said over and over again that yearly updates are a bad idea and will eventually cripple the entire industry. I think we can finally see the ill-effects of all those Tony Hawks and Need for Speeds in the public response to Halo 3. People have been so conditioned to expect next to nothing in their sequels that, even when a game overloaded with hype and three years development time comes around, people still cannot imagine a product that actually reaches beyond the grasp of its predecessor. Halo 3 is an Activision sequel. As a fan of Bungie and the Halo franchise, this sickens me.

I am not throwing a shovel on Halo yet, but I can say my expectations have been lowered significantly. I feel like I am a parent who has the unenviable task of raising a child who brings home straight Cs with every report card. Like Bungie, that child is clearly not even trying at this point. Anyone who truly cares can get a B in school if they actually work hard. But Bungie, like that obstinate child, knows where their next meal is coming from. They are going through the motions because they know that, at the end of the day, they will be embraced and told that everything they do is fine. I am not so forgiving. This Beta is a travesty and Bungie should be ashamed of themselves.

The rage, she boils

2007-05-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

Yay, my recently-replaced 360 just red-ringed on me. Shocking. Now I get to go through the drama I hear so much about of replacing the same console four or five times. I'm a bit beside myself with anger right now, excuse me. MS should be expending the Halo 3 Beta by an hour for every second I can't be playing it. Grr.

Happy new releases!

2007-05-21T12:34:00.000-07:00

Odin Sphere (PS2) - I am going to be perfectly honest with you: I don't really understand Odin Sphere at all. It seems to be some mangled concoction of four or five different genres held together by an exquisite 2D, hand drawn art style. Will the game actually be fun? I have no idea, but I desperately want to play it. From what I understand, a simple man could describe the game as an action RPG. Your character does improve over time, leveling up by fighting a horde of enemies just like in every other RPG. But there is much more than that. The combat is real time and more reminiscent of Golden Axe than Final Fantasy. Also, instead of buying items in a store, you have to grow them... in the heat of battle. Can you see why I am so confused? On the right of the screen there might be a dwarf riding a llama, which you have to fight to the death. On the left is your garden, where you are trying to grow some Watermelon for the post-fight chili cook off. This is Final Fight meets Secret of Mana with a healthy dose of Harvest Moon and Yoshi's Island thrown in. How can I resist?

New York Times Crosswords (NDS) - Just because Odin Sphere sounds awesome doesn't mean it's all of a sudden November. Decent game releases are still few and far between, which is why I am writing about a crossword puzzle game. But it sounds amazing! Ok, that exclamation point was a little too much, but this is a perfect game for word sleuths on the go. Imagine riding the Bart (see how casually I drop in references to San Francisco?) and seeing the devilish clue, "Headgear." You would scratch your own head if such a mysterious clue appeared. You may look around your car, trying to glance at the heads of your fellow voyagers for the answer to this clue, while trying to appear as discreet as possible. Remember, people do not like being crossword puzzle guinea pigs. The lady across from you has a bonnet on her head, will that fit? Nope, it's only three letters long and begins with an H. If you squeeze H and A in one box you could fit hair. But you realize too late that the game does not allow cheating. Miraculously, as the train pulls into the station and mere seconds before this joke becomes painful, you jot down "Hat" with a yelp of triumph. That happy commuter could be you.

Vegas has never been so boring

2007-05-09T01:56:00.001-07:00

I probably seem like a pretty jaded gamer at this point. I walk away from every game I play with a smirk on my face along with the rightful feeling of unabashed superiority. Aside from Crackdown, there hasn't really been much of anything released this year that has brought a smile to my face. But I must continue to write, lest Nick usurps my role as the giver of G-Pinions, even if I get a reputation for hating all that is gaming. While the following write up is once again soaked in negativity, I assure you that I am currently immersed in a game that has chased away these awful gaming blues. Come back later in the week to see that smile. For now, I present another flat war experience.

It probably isn't a good idea to visualize extreme boredom before I even put a game in my system. How could Rainbow 6 Vegas do anything but live up to the damning image I had already thrust upon it? I do not have the patience to play a stealth war game in a realistic environment, but I did try to play it with an objective mindset. Sadly, there was not one element in R6V that drew me in. Not one thing that forced me to keep playing so I could experience some indescribable gaming nirvana. For someone well versed in the war experience, I am sure this game is a hoot and a holler. It may even elicit a mild yelp. But as an average civilian, it felt both overwhelming and uninspired. The weapons all felt the same to me, the environment is excruciatingly bland and the story presented no urgency or emotion. I attempted to play through the game. I jumped into the critically acclaimed multiplayer mode and even tried in earnest to play through the single player campaign, but I could not do it.

From a technical standpoint, the game seems fairly adequate. The big new feature is the mandatory use of cover. I am not a First Person Shooter scholar, but Perfect Dark Zero was the first game I played that used this technique. In PDZ, you could tap a button to lean against a wall and systematically pick off enemies while staying out of harms way. This feature seemed to be largely ignored as the levels were not built around this technique, but the execution was serviceable. R6V uses the same maneuver, but Ubisoft did not bother to implement it any better. Like in Gears of War you are forced to move through the environment with a wall on your shoulder. Unlike Gears, your movement is far from fluid. Slamming against the wall feels fine, albeit far less visceral. Unfortunately, just like in PDZ, the act of unsticking yourself and gliding to your next position is cumbersome. In PDZ, I could ignore this problem because cover is merely one way to defeat an enemy. In R6V, the game is built around cover and it's less than perfect implementation makes this already difficult game border on frustrating.

Everything else about R6V (I do love that acronym) seemed solid though uninspired. The AI is actually intelligent. Troops will react to your violent penetration by finding cover themselves, tossing grenades and calling for backup. It feels like a real war experience where any mistake, such as peaking around the corner to see what your shotgun wielding friend is doing, will lead to a painful death. Sometimes the enemies are too smart, anticipating your position even when you are completely silent, but it's an understandable drawback for what is primarily an intense and lifelike experience.

The AI of your co-killers is even better. You can quickly issue commands with the tap of a button, even in the heat of battle. There aren't any lame menus to slow the experience down. Just point, click and watch your underlings kill all of your enemies while you cower in the corner. I enjoyed acting like a big shot around the lower ranked soldiers. I would take a position by one door and peak under to see what dangers lay beyond. Then I would tell them to go through the other door and clear out the place. After they brutally eliminated my foes, I would bust in, guns blazing, to take care of whatever "mess" remained. I imagined a shiny medal being pinned to my lapel for my unprecedented bravery while my charges were left peeling potatoes.

Anyway, Rainbow 6 Vegas seems like a perfectly adequate game if you envy those troops currently stationed in Iraq. The weapons are real, the setting is bleak and the violence is intense. Clearly, such brutality is not my thing, and the lack of innovation makes me wonder just what Ubisoft has been doing these last few years. Still, it's not a bad game to turn to when your gaming well was as dry as mine.

Catching up

2007-05-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

It sucks that tha G has fallen to the wayside in my day to day writing priorities, but such is employed life I suppose. And employed life that allows little time for games of my choosing, more specifically. But it's alright, Tommy boy has been holding up his end of the bargain fiercely, ripe with EA complaints and unbridled Rare love.

I finally perfected the single player game of Burnout Revenge (360), after picking it back up for the first time since September. Good stuff. You might remember how excited I am for Burnout 5. That wasn't an exaggeration. I've also been playing a spot of Halo 2 in preparation for the Halo 3 beta, which Tom and I will be checking out this Friday. Hopefully we can get a podcast up about it this weekend. Halo 2 is still grand, even if the foul-mouthed manchildren ruin the experience if you even think about putting on the headset. If there's one thing Halo 3 needs to improve on, it's being fun to play even when you're not partied up with pals. Sounds like they're truly putting effort into the anti-asshole movement though, so hopefully we'll see some results.

I also picked up Rhythm Tengoku and Soundvoyager, two amazing GBA rhythm games. I talked a little bit about RT on our last podcast, but Soundvoyager is spectacular too; you literally have to play it with headphones, but you also don't have to look at the screen when you're playing. So, yeah, there's that. And it's AWESOME.

Really I'm just biding my time for the Beta. With Mass Effect likely delayed and Culdcept Saga definitely delayed, there's a not a whole lot I'm dying for this summer. I'll probably run through The Darkness next month, but it's just kind of one of those guaranteed good experiences (from everything I've seen and played) that doesn't merit much further discussion than "it's hella sweet."

So yes, hopefully there will be much more to discuss this weekend. With love.

NBA Street Homecourt

2007-04-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

In a world where video game reviews are taken way too seriously, a street corner preacher will stand tall atop his soapbox and extol the virtues of reviewing games only after they have been played to exhaustion. If such a person actually existed, I would stand right alongside this screaming man, handing out pamphlets to further sway passersby. I suffered through the likes of Hotel Dusk and Lost Planet to give the definitive word on the horrendous experiences I had to endure. But sometimes, a game is so ill conceived, it takes little more than an hour to solve the puzzle and deem it a failure. Electronic Arts made my job pretty easy with NBA Street Homecourt. It is so ludicrously awful, I could not even figure out what elements people are supposed to have fun with.

Normally, I only play EA games with a loaded gun pointed unwavering at my brow. There is a reason I have avoided their products for more than a decade - they don't make good games. But my expectations were different with Homecourt. I was actually looking forward to playing it. With the NBA playoffs at full throttle, I needed a basketball video game to sooth my beating heart during the hours when live basketball was not an option. And not only did I crave video ball, but I specifically demanded one that veered away from the sometimes sluggish pace of a simulation. A game without the full assortment of players clogging the court or utilitarian rules weighing me down. I was in the mood for NBA Jam, and Homecourt is the closest thing the industry has going right now. If anything, I was so excited for some street balling action, I would have looked past any little problems. For once in my life, I was actually biased towards an EA game, and they still managed to let me down.

Homecourt breaks the two most important aspects of arcade-style basketball: the pace and the rules. The pace, which should move at a blistering rate, is chunky and uneven. Because the game is all about showboating, offensive possessions actually take longer than they would in a normal NBA contest. With players rolling the ball around the count and spinning like Mikhail Baryshnikov, it feels more like a dance competition than a basketball game. When you get the ball on offense, you madly jam on the X and Y buttons to perform moves. This makes your player dribble the ball through their legs, roll it along the court, and generally behave like the ass of an ill mannered horse. Every possession has you striving not only to score, but to rack up style points as well. So every possession takes forever. You just dribble around like a selfish Harlem Globetrotter until you feel like dunking.

Notice I said dunking. This brings us to the other fatal flaw: the rules. Jump shots are completely useless in Homecourt. When making a stripped down version of a real sport, you have to carefully decide which rules to keep and which to toss by the wayside. Obviously, the vast majority of rules are useless, serving only to slow down the frantic pace. But there are certain rules that are necessary for a game to maintain some structure. For some reason, EA abolished goaltending. This means that every time someone tries to shoot the ball, you can just jump up and grab it right out of the sky. In NBA Jam, this was a feature you had to earn. Homecourt makes the process of snatching a shot right out of the air so ordinary, it removes any thrill of playing defense.

This breaks the game beyond repair. Every offensive possession is the same because the only legitimate way to score is by way of a dunk. On the other side of the court, the best strategy is to just hang back by the hoop and try to knock shots out of the sky or push would be dunkers to the ground. I played a few games against the computer on various difficulty settings and saw no variation in offensive strategy. Dribble like a fool and then dunk. I tried a few online games as well to see how people who have been playing since February performed. Though the moves they used to humiliate their opponent (me) were more diverse, such as rocketing the ball off my face from a foot away, the game was still a sloppy dribbling fest followed by a crazy dunk. Over and over and over again.

I have no idea how this could be considered fun.

NBA Jam is infinitely more entertaining than this game despite being developed more than a decade ago. There is a bigger emphasis on defense, more variety on offense and the experience is not halted by unwieldy special moves and inane trash talking. Homecourt is a complete joke. If it can't please a diehard basketball fan craving some arcade action, it clearly has no place in this world.

Super Paper Mario

2007-04-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

It would be much easier to buy a gift for Intelligent Systems if they were a gardening company instead of a video game developer. If they worked with plants for a living, I would have the perfect gift for them to enjoy: pruning sheers. Any gardener worthy of a green thumb would already have a pair of razor sharp sheers at their disposal, but let's assume for a second that InSys had never heard of them. Their garden is lush and vibrant, but it has overgrown to the point of endangering those who enter its botanical refuge. The lilacs are undeniably beautiful but their vast numbers beckon forth a vicious swam of sting-wielding bees. Their maple trees are thick and hearty, but the sap oozes out in such a deadly flow you are liable to lose that arm you have resting against the trunk. Their garden threatens to engulf any being that wrongly chooses to find sanctuary under its shadowy leaves. The only way to save yourself is to hack away the petals and roots that threaten your very existence. If only there was a way to use those same sheers to trim the overgrown belly of Super Paper Mario.

I sense a horrible trend in the Paper Mario universe. Stylish graphics and witty writing take hold as the journey starts. The game urges you to see the world behind its doors, talk to the beings that live there, and laugh at the unbridled ridiculousness that is streaming forth at a constant rate. It is an inviting oasis to those who have wielded guns and been immersed in pools of blood for too long. Super Paper Mario is seemingly a bastion of hope for those who long for the days of gaming's simple past. It's a cute platforming/RPG hybrid that doesn't take itself too seriously. Unfortunately, the entire train ride of pleasure crashes abruptly into a mountain two thirds of the way through the game. With sheers in tow, Intelligent Systems could have chopped off the lagging later Chapters and delivered a satisfying experience from beginning to end. As it is, I long for the days when I was a naive boy shouting that Super Paper Mario was the best damn game on the Wii.

I don't think I have ever played a game quite like SPM, and that is a very good thing. Before release, I was not quite sure what genre this game resided in. As I watched video of Mario jumping upon the heads of Goobmas and Koopa Troopas, I chalked it up as a stylish new platformer. When I read tales of talkative characters, backtracking fetch quests and a story that does not end, I sadly admitted that it might be an RPG in disguise. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. As you manage items and listen to Count Blech cry about his unfair past, you'll recognize the agonizing pain of a classic Japanese RPG. But then you forget the pain while you shove bombs into the mouth of a hungry combustible being. The combination of the two genres provides enough action to please those dying for a new Mario platformer while dishing out the requisite story to make RPG gamers giggle with glee. It is fun and engaging and, despite the horrid finish, a really enjoyable game.

What makes the game take an abrupt U Turn towards the game's finale is a shift in what had worked so well the first five Chapters of the journey. This game is built on being completely irreverent. The levels are imaginative, the characters are unique and the game is genuinely funny. SPM is all about making fun of the both the gamer and the entire industry. One puzzle early in the game forced you to collect 1,000,000 rubies to pay back a debt. Searching in vain for an easy way to accumulate the wealth, you happen upon a hamster wheel. You have to actually run on the wheel for five minutes, numbly holding right on the D Pad while you wonder why such an insulting task would be in the game, to get a decent amount of money. Though many complained about this ridiculous chore, I thought it was very creative. Another task later in the game requires you to manually type out "Please" five times before you can coax a secret out of a reluctant caveman. It is puzzles like these that make the game unique and memorable. The game truly shines when it makes fun of video game conventions with the subtlety of a hammerhead shark.

Sadly, the later levels do not have any such ingenuity. The pastel wonderland is replaced by a lifeless castle. Even more damning, the story ceases to entertain. Where earlier scenes involve an obsessively geeky gecko trying to marry Peach, later levels are about human sacrifice. Sacrifice in a Nintendo game? Yeah, I thought it was a bad idea as well. SPM is about escaping the dark and mature games that inhabit this industry. It is supposed to be simple and enjoyable. When the creative puzzles fall by the wayside and the story turns into bitter tears, there is nothing left to hold the pieces together. The last level is a monochrome nightmare, removing the last semblance of fun from the early joy-filled chapters.

If only Intelligent Systems could have chopped off the last few levels and any reference to sacrifice. This could have been a shining example of game design. As it is, SPM is a bloated concept that falls into the same video game conventions it so thoroughly mocks. I still recommend this to any Wii owner yearning for a new experience. The first 15 hours are nothing short of a masterpiece in both art and writing. Just be prepared for a kamikaze crash at the end.

My morning with Rare

2007-04-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that Jetpac Refueled came out three weeks ago and I have not yet written about it on this website. The original Jetpac was released twenty four years ago, back when Rare was still going by the unwieldy name Ultimate Play The Game. Though the game took place on a single screen and could not even display five colors at a time, it still offered the first hint that Rare would go on to become one of the most prestigious developers in the industry. It is incredible to play the original Jetpac and realize how far beyond most of the industry Rare was in just their first year of existence. It is even more incredible to play the remake, Jetpac Refueled. While most developers are content dishing out old games with slight graphical upgrades, Rare has given us a completely revamped experience that ranks among the best games available on the service.

My incredibly short review of JR will have to suffice. I have much more important issues to discuss in this post. Some quick details before I move on to the real meat: one of the Achievements in Jetpac Refueled is called Infection. Basically, if you play against someone who is already infected, you become a carrier as well. To help fuel this binary pandemic, Rare recently held a contest. Simply email them your Gamertag and, if you are one of the lucky few chosen, you can play a short match with one of the developers of this game. Obviously, the only reason I'm writing about this at all is because I was one of the chosen few. That's right, at 8am this morning, I was playing Jetpac Refueled with the Lead Software Designer of the game.

I feel obliged to put this momentous occasion in perspective. Rare is my favorite developer in the industry by quite a wide margin. To play a match with someone from that company, someone that has given me hours upon hours of pure entertainment, is an honor I cannot talk about rationally. It is akin to playing catch with Steve Young or singing the chorus of Rearviewmirror with Eddie Vedder. Playing a round with someone from Rare would be like talking about Just Before the War with the Eskimos with J.D. Salinger. Or disarming a nuclear bomb with Jack Bauer by my side. In other words: Objectivity be damned!

Sadly, the entirety of Rare is cursed with having incredibly tight lips. I was not able to gleam any concrete information from this employee, although I did not pester him about things I knew he would not be able to reveal. I only had five minutes with the man. I saw no reason to ask when Banjo Kazooie 3 would be released or if Perfect Dark 2 is really in development. But I did poke a little bit.

First of all, I did ask if he could give any hint about what game he was currently working on. Obviously, he could not tell me what it was. But he did say it is far enough along to announce, but he would be in quite a bit of trouble with their PR department if word leaked out early. He said that Rare is actually much less secretive than they used to be, as evidence by how early they announced Banjo 3 last year. We both kind of laughed at this, though. I mentioned that they were still one of the most secretive companies in the industries. They are one of the most prominent developers in the world, have at least five games in development, but the public only knows of one. He said, "That sounds about right."

He grew up in the same position as I am right now. He was a huge fan of Rare and was always waiting for a hint of what they were working on next. He says it has been pretty nice being on the inside now. Then he cruelly laughed again.

He was hired by Rare nine years ago. His first game was Dinosaur Planet, which became Star Fox Adventures in its move from the N64 to the Gamecube. I have always had a theory about this game. Though I thoroughly enjoyed the gameplay, graphics and music, the game was just too bloated for its good. I asked him how he felt about the forced delay (Nintendo wanted it as a GC title rather than an end of life release for the N64) and the inclusion of the Star Fox license. He admitted that some of the added material, such as the flying portions and the battle with Andross at the end, didn't really fit, but as a whole the two games merged surprisingly well. This game has always been a huge question mark for me. It was really interesting to hear a few thoughts from someone who had actually worked on the game.

Sadly, our match ended shortly after we started to talk talking about Kameo, the other Rare game he had worked on. Five minutes can go by really quickly when you're talking about your favorite topic. Unfortunately, The G did not exactly hold its own in the actual match. I lost by almost 100,000 points. I swear I would fair much better in a rematch.

I really want to thank Rare for giving me this amazing opportunity. This was only the second time I was able to talk to a Rare employee, the other was last May when I got Gregg Mayles to autograph my copy of It's Mr. Pants, and I would have to rank both experiences towards the top of my All Time Great Gaming Moments list. It truly is an honor playing with someone whose products I have played and admired for two decades. I just hope I have a chance to have a more respectable showing some day. I was really quite pitiful this morning.

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 3, Episode 6

2007-04-16T00:19:00.001-07:00

Super Paper Mario, Boom Boom Rocket, Halo 3 news and the best of the rest we could muster in a miserably slow week!

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Battle for Suburbia

2007-04-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

With so many types of meat, cheeses and spreads in the world, it may seem presumptuous of me to select just two ingredients that combine to make a perfect sandwich. I may not be an expert in fine cuisines, but I know my sandwiches. Despite the wide array of cured meats and gourmet mustards available, two ingredients have been able to rise about the rest and become the staple against which every other sandwich is measured. Of course, I am talking about Peanut Butter and Jelly. It doesn't matter if your butter is smooth or chunky, your jelly made from grapes or strawberries or if your bread is cut with a horizontal or diagonal touch. These are the two best ingredients in the world of sandwiches.

In the world of gaming, there are two elements that also combine to form a delectable offering that even the most prudent connoisseur would not be able to turn away from. The first ingredient comes in the form of reckless destruction that would make a nun cry. The specific actions are not important. It doesn't matter if you are tossing a caber, swinging decapitated mannequins or firing a simple pistol powered by rocket fuel, blowing stuff up satisfies an inherent human desire that cannot be satisfied within the confines of the real world. However, just like peanut butter alone can leave your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth, mindless action needs a partner to truly succeed. And that partner is, of course, a human partner to help you along the way. It is impossible to shy away from the deadly combination of cooperative play mixed with blowing stuff up. And yet, in this modern world of gaming, where marketing dollars can guarantee sales and each title requires a multi million dollar investment, it is nearly impossible for an unlicensed game from a small publisher to get the recognition it truly deserves.

This post was inspired by the upcoming X360 game Monster Madness: Battle for Suburbia. I have heard the game mentioned before, mostly from a giddy Nick who was practically foaming at the mouth in anticipation, but I had not put together one coherent thought about the game until today. The publisher is South Peak Interactive. I had never heard of them before. They clearly do not have much of a budget to work with. I have not seen previews for this game. I have not read any gushing impressions. I have not even seen screaming fanboys countdown its release on message boards. It is an unknown entity in a sea of huge releases. It's hard to take notice of such a silly game when Mass Effect is right around the corner, right?

But this is a game worthy of your time. And I want to applaud South Peak for supplying a demo of this game on Xbox Live today. Without the usual hype I expect for noteworthy releases, this game was not even on my radar. But after only five minutes of playing it, and without even a friend by my side, I was in love. This is the next generation spiritual successor to Zombies Ate My Neighbors. It has the same isometric perspective that has been on the endangered list since real 3D became standard. And it is silly, stupid fun. The demo level places you in a house overrun with zombies. You know what you're supposed to do: grab anything that isn't bolted to the floor and blow stuff up. Pure entertainment. The demo even lets you play online with a friend so you get the full Monster Madness experience.

I am so happy I had a chance to play this game before release. I may have missed out on this completely had South Peak not supplied a demo. Which leads me directly into a major problem I have: why didn't D3 Publishing make a demo for Earth Defense Force: 2017. With average graphics and no online play, EDF is bound to struggle at retail. But with just a taste of the ridiculous enemies and intense combat, I guarantee casual gamers around the world would have been sucked in. It's practically impossible to blow up a mound of teeming ants and not smile. Like Monster Madness, it combines relentless destruction with cooperative play. This combination has worked for the last twenty years, providing the backbone for some of the most memorable gaming experiences of my lifetime. As games become more complicated and the costs continue to rise, simple experiences like these will become less and less frequent.

D3 Publishing, please get an EDF demo on the marketplace now, before people aren't willing to give an "old" game a chance. People can listen to me gush about the game until my fingers bleed, but they are going to have to blow up a giant spider for themselves to understand why I am such a strong supporter of this game. If you have finished with EDF, the Monster Madness demo should fill your mindless destitution void nicely until the finished product comes out next month. I just hope there are more games like these on the horizon.

No more rocking in the free world

2007-04-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

The easiest way to test human intelligence: if a person says, "Communism works in theory," forcibly remove their belt and shoelaces and escort them to the nearest poo poo farm. There is no "theory" in which humans will dutifully work together for the good of the community, ignoring their dark, greedy belly. However, there is a sliver of hope buried in this idiotic statement. When left to their own devices in this bleak Free Market World we currently reside, people will always try to screw over their neighbors. I'm not talking about biblical screwing either; I'm talking about anal rape that stops at the wallet. Give a seemingly honest company an inch and they'll take an acre along with every daughter, sheep and bathhouse you own. Oh Activision! You could have saved face with gamers after forcing a litany of soulless yearly licensed crap on the public for the last decade. But instead you spat on the olive branch that is Guitar Hero 2 and opted to buy a silk box to hold your wide array of ivory back scratchers. To hell with you and your greedy ways.

Though millions of people flocked to the PlayStation 2 release of Guitar Hero 2 last fall, a few strong willed individuals decided to hold off on that sizable purchase. Though their fun organs needed some serious coaxing to put down the shiny, black box, it seemed like a good decision at the time. Not only would the Spring release of Guitar Hero 2 (X360) bring with it Achievement and Leaderboards, you would be able to download the original Guitar Hero tracks as well. Obviously, those who choose this path understood the financial responsibilities they were committing to, but it was for the greater good. With the whole gang of Guitar Hero tracks on one shiny disc, it seemed like a dream come true for fans of the plastic instrument game. It was a perfect plan until Activision realized how much they enjoy bathing in soiled money.

Activision released the first nine downloadable tracks today, and it is not a pretty sight. Instead of allowing people to choose which songs they wish purchase and which should be left floating in the ethers of the Marketplace, Activision has jacked up the price and packaged the songs in evil little groups of three. If, for instance, you just want to play Killer Queen, you will have to spend 500 Points and be saddled with Take It Off and Frankenstein. For those not well versed in XBL pricing, 500 Points is $6.25 in the real world. The original Guitar Hero had 30 tracks in it. If the pricing remains the same for the rest of the downloadable content, you would have to spend $62.50 to buy all these songs. Add in the 17 bonus tracks and you would have to spend $100 to own the entire setlist from the first Guitar Hero. That is more than it would cost to buy a new copy of the game complete with plastic guitar and stickers. I am not a big fan of this.

The problem is, there are other music services available. Let's look at iTunes for a second. A downloadable track off iTunes will run you just $1. Furthermore, you don't have to buy songs you have no interest in listening to. Apple does not force you to buy an entire album or songs with a similar theme or any other worthless crap. You simply give them money, a reasonable amount of money, for the one item you wish to own. Activision's ridiculous pricing is even more egregious when you consider what you are purchasing. iTunes offers the original version of the songs you love. The songs in Guitar Hero are predominantly covers. So you have to pay more money, buy songs you don't want in the first place and wind up with inferior versions of those tracks. This is a huge ripoff.

I realize this website is but a tiny blip on the vast landscape of the internet, but I feel I must use what little power I have to inform my readers what a horrible situation this truly is. The only way to vote against this pricing is with your wallet. If you agree that charging twice as much money as iTunes is a bad thing, I implore you not to purchase these songs. If you think it is unfair that Activision is forcing you to buy bundled songs, instead of being able to choose which songs you do and do not want to own, please do not purchase these downloads. The only way these horrible companies will listen is when we refuse to give them any more money.

36 more days

2007-04-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

The worst part is, I have been lying to myself. For all my posturing, for all my forced separation from the drooling masses, I am still just another weak man. Try as I might, I cannot run away from this ever stalking presence. I have been flooding the internet with my slanted view of gaming's undeniable truth for far too long. As I stand on my tiptoes, listening for a whisper about the next Banjo and Mario games, or another peak at the Fable'd dog, I am clearly avoiding the Blue Whale of Happiness right in front of my face. Try as I might to avoid certain realities, it has come to my attention earlier today, in brutal terms even I could not avoid, that Halo 3 is unquestionably the one game I want to play right now more than any other title. The countdown has begun. Only 864 more hours until my first real taste of Halo 3 is served.

In some ridiculous circles, I have been treated as a lightweight, pencil pushing, dine with the fishies member of the Halo Brigade. I have not been invited to stay in the Grand Fandom nor has my love of the franchise ever reached fanatical levels. I was considered a guy who may have owned and played through the first two Halo games, but was not involved enough to speak about the Battle Rifle in polite company. I will admit to a few of these claims. My nose was buried in the likes of Perfect Dark Initial Vector instead of Halo: The Fall of Reach. I do not know a thing about the Halo mythology, who Cortana is and why the Flood seems to be made of something other than water. And I still don't understand why anyone would willingly choose to sit in the passenger seat of the Warthog. While my lack of certain aspects of Halo may prevent me from working for Bungie or composing a Halo Opera, I think my insatiable appetite for the game itself is strong enough to convince anyone but the blindest loyalist that I am a Halo Fan. I belong on the front lines, driving my own Warthog, with everyone else who chooses this path.

The Halo Beta is coming out on May 16th and will dominate the video game landscape until it is unceremoniously pulled on June 6th. With two fell swoops, Bungie has grabbed the retinas of every blue blooded gamer today and forced them to pay attention to their future. The release date for the Halo 3 Beta is already strong enough to warrant a news story from every video game website on the internet. It is on that day that developers the world over will see how flawed their own projects are. It is on that day that people will remember why they bought their X360 in the first place. It is on that day that Resistance and Gears of War will be forgotten. Every other FPS will seem stale and lifeless after tasting a pre-release version of Halo 3. They will seem inadequate and lacking. What tasted like sweet Lemon Meringue mere hours before will turn into a bucket of bum urine. Worthless and disgusting. Possibly containing diseases. The aura of Halo is so powerful it automatically takes two points off the score of every game within ten feet of it.

The news of the Beta was certainly important. It gave the timeline other developers have to live by now and a calender gamers should strictly follow. But what is even more exciting, what forced me to face the reality of my ridiculous Halo obsession, was the Video Documentary. Their third entry in this epic series, today's VidDoc documented the biggest time waster in the history of mankind: Halo 3's multiplayer mode. Not even World of Warcraft will be able to rival this masterpiece. Even with extremely early graphics, the VidDoc reaffirmed why Halo is the best shooter franchise of all time. I couldn't help but smile when brief flashes of new footage from the screen. I'm not good enough to start plotting strategies through these new levels, but I did imagine how much fun it would be to ride a Warthog recklessly over hills and through gates. I laughed during their demonstration of the in game video recorder. I imagined for a brief moment how fun it would be to send Nick a flood of videos of his death at my hands... only to remember that Nick is my superior in all things Halo. So I imagined making friends with a small child so I could spam his inbox with lasting mementos of his embarrassingly inept play.

I am literally shaking with anticipation for this game. I am ready to download those new Halo 2 maps one week from today. I am ready to once again lose myself in Ghosts and SMGs. I'll never admit that Halo is my favorite franchise, but I can unequivocally say it it my most wanted game right now. This wait will be painful.

Guitar Hero and Paper Mario make bunnies cry.

2007-04-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

I may not be a religious man, but I understand the purpose of Easter. It was originally some sort of pagan ritual with lots of dancing and maybe even a little hot coal walking. I don't know the specifics. But I do know one things - it is supposed to be about rebirth. Those dead trees and still saviors you see littering the road are supposed to come alive. And with their new life a whole sea of new beginnings is supposed to spread across the land like Ebola on an airplane. Here I am, watching the world turn green from my window, and I have to wonder why nature is able to follow a tidy schedule but the video game industry is so reluctant to stir even slightly. I didn't play Grabbed by the Ghoulies last week for my health! I try to write a column about the weekly releases. I am supposed to play a fancy new game every week. How am I going to do that with one last generation port coming out each week and not a single thing more?

Sorry I didn't inform you earlier, but Guitar Hero 2 came out last week... again. The biggest difference between the X360 version and the PS2 original is the new guitar design. The best engineers in the world put their heads together and drew up a tool that could turn my normal human hand into an unsightly claw in no more than three songs. This is a notable improvement from the first Guitar Hero, where it took as many as five songs to make my hand revoltingly unusable. In fact, I feel it is time to official wrestle the Most Painful Game Ever trophy away from the first Mario Party and crown Guitar Hero 360 as the king of pain. Guitar Hero 2: It will contort your hands, damage your ears and empty your wallet in one fell swoop.

I have one suggestion for future music games: no more covers. There are ten new tracks in this edition, two of them by a pair of my favorite bands of all time. The Toadies contributed their master tape, the original recording, of their one hit wonder from 1994, Possum Kingdom. Pearl Jam merely allowed less talented musicians to cover Life Wasted, the opening track of their most recent album. One of these songs rocks quite hard while the other feels dull and lifeless. Please, no more covers. It's for the good of the world.

If you don't own an X360 or have no interest in shelling out $100 more to play a last generation port that doesn't even have the decency to include online play, there is a new game coming out this week for the Wii. Sadly, it is just another port. Like Twilight Princess, Nintendo was content to slap some motion controls on an already finished game and announce it as a Wii Exclusive Extravaganza. Sadly, while a GC version of Zelda did surface a few weeks later, you have no choice but to play Super Paper Mario on your Wii. Thankfully, it's a port that may actually be worth playing (hide your head in shame Ubisoft). Super Paper Mario is the third game in the exceptionally verbose Paper Mario series. You may remember my slightly critical posts about its predecessor, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. I still can't believe I played through that whole game. Hours upon hours of dialog that tried to be funny but ended up stale coupled with never ending fetch quests and combat that would be too easy for a zygote. One of my least favorite games from last generation, and I played P.N. 03 and Brute Force. And yet, I am still interested in Super Paper Mario. This is what happens when nothing new comes out. I'm stuck playing through a sequel to a game I didn't even like. Wish me luck!

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 3, Episode 5

2007-04-07T11:56:00.001-07:00

Rhythm Heaven, Kororinpa, Grabbed by the Ghoulies, Red Steel, Luxor 2 and all sorts of other crazy games we've been playing, as well as Perfect Dark: Initial Vector (ugh), news of EGM interview controversy, RE4 Wii, Halo 2 maps, and Al!

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That one about the Wii Loop Machine

2007-04-03T06:29:00.000-07:00

I've been toying around with The Amazing Rolo's Wii Loop Machine, and it's fairly incredible. You load up sound loops in the software on your computer (he's provided several but you can load in your own), and control them with your Wiimote via Bluetooth. You can drop them in and out, add delay effects or scratch white noise, all on the fly and all with the remote (some motion controlled, some buttons). The demo video:

THIS is the kind of thing Nintendo has to be going after and actively implementing if they really want to expend their audience, even in the gaming demographic (there are plenty of 18-34 year olds who DON'T play video games). They recently bought WiijDj.com, which seems like a step in the right direction, but they really need to get Rolo on board.

Wario Smooth Moves recently convinced me the system can actually be fun when I want to play games, but something like this would make me pick it up even when I wasn't in the mood for gaming, and that is huge.

Electroplankton could have been big and important if it wasn't so visually esoteric and was actually sold and demonstrated at retail, but there's still a barrier of entry to artistically creative and satisfying games. As wonderful as LittleBigPlanet looks, a user still has to tackle the Sixaxis to enjoy it. If they got one thing stupidly right with the Wii, it's the controller design. And now they need to make it this fun, accessible and easy to create something.

If you have a Mac, check it out. If you don't, come over and play with mine, or an equally savvy buddy who does.

Guest Column: Brian's Nights

2007-04-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

Brian was nice enough to submit this sometimes creepy, always glowing remembrance of the Saturn's finest hour. Since he wrote this, a true sequel to Nights has been announced for the Wii. Will it be as incredible? Not a chance. Before the new iteration tarnishes people's idea of what a Nights game should be, allow Brian to explain why this game is revered in the first place.

Do you remember when the Sega Saturn was the hottest thing around? Come on, think back to 1995 in the interim between the launch of the Saturn and PlayStation. Surely you must have thought that Clockwork Knight was going to define gaming as you knew it. Please?

Ok, I'll admit it, I was a fool. I was riding high on a wave of euphoria brought on by the Sega Channel on the Genesis. Comix Zone, Vectorman, Sonic 2, Gunstar Heroes, and Shining Force II had me convinced that Sega would prevent me from going to college by keeping me glued to my couch for the rest of eternity. Whatever, I was 12 years old and thought that the Genesis' exclusivity of Street Fighter 2: Championship Edition automatically made the Genesis superior. So I bought a Sega Saturn.

Have you finished laughing? We all know the Saturn was a failure. I was forced to import games to keep my friends from laughing at me due to my poor choice of console. But to this day I will still defend the Saturn, which I still bring out from time to time, based off of one single title: Nights into Dreams.

Playing video games is supposed to be a magical experience, at least that's how I look at it. And let me tell you something: nothing defines magical better than Sonic Team's 1996 release. This was a game so revolutionary that it had to be played with a wacky invention known as an "analog controller." For those of you who are clueless as to the premise of this game, it is essentially a rail flyer. You speed along on predetermined tracks and you pick up orbs and do loops through the air. Perhaps this doesn't sound exciting to you spoiled gamers with your PlayStation 3s and your Xbox 360s, but over 10 years after its release, this game remains in my top 3 of all time. It's pretty damned good for a 3D game released in 1996. In fact, you can even look at it without cringing; and that in and of itself is an accomplishment for a ten year old 3D adventure.

Remember playing Tetris to the point where you would dream about falling bricks? Nights is the only other game in my life that has stayed with me beyond my waking hours. Can you imagine the excitement that I feel now that I hear about a Wii re-release/remake/sequel? Forget about Halo 3 and MGS 4, simply the possibility of Nights into Dreams being updated in any way, shape, or form is keeping me from spending a single penny on any game released ever again.

Wait, I should stop. This is where you cease reading, buy a Saturn off eBay for $40, get a copy of Nights with the analog controller for another $45, and begin to redefine what you know about console gaming. Fall in love with a ridiculous, purple-clad, flying jester and then lie in bed with me, spooning until Nintendo and/or Sega finally announce a Wii port or sequel. And then you won't laugh at me for still believing the Sega Saturn F'ing ruled.

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 3, Episode 4

2007-03-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

Get ready for a very special episode, as Arne Meyer from the Xbox and Microsoft Game Studios team joins us to talk Jetpac, EDF2017, Shadowrun, Boom Boom Rocket, the GTA IV trailer and much more. Also, simply leave a comment about the show on this post and you'll be automatically entered to win one of 3 Shadowrun Beta codes courtesy of Microsoft! (And yes, I realize my voice is too loud, still working out those technical problems. Ugh.)

Download link.

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Sonic and the Secret Rings

2007-03-29T16:46:00.000-07:00

Decrying the woeful ineptitude that is Sonic and the Secret Rings would qualify as a humanitarian act on the same level as performing a group Heimlich maneuver on a crowd of choking nuns. While my good deed will save the innocent from having to touch this pitiful dreck, it may also incite the wrath of the small percentage of gamers who not only played this digital punishment, but somehow turned a smiling heart towards its gaping hole of suck. If I am already going to offend the tiny legion of people who do not understand why Sonic Wii should be used as a non-lethal electric chair in those states who do not condone the death penalty, I might as well throw my thorny arms around the childhood memories of every gamer with grew up during the bloody 16-bit wars. Not only is Sonic and the Secret Rings the gaming equivalent of purgatory, the entire Sonic franchise was only relevant in the first place because console pundits wanted to champion their own mascot rather than embrace the far superior Mario franchise. Sonic has always been an overrated pile of binary feces. Sonic's perfect transition to 3D with Sonic Wii accurately illustrates my point that Sonic may be fun in theory, but should be avoided like a rusty tumor in the land of reality.

To quote a super hero loving friend of mine, "You can't make a Flash movie because all he does is run fast." I agree completely. And you know what? Unless your game involves racing, you can't build a solid video game around that premise either. Just like the original Genesis stillbirths, Sonic Wii is only enjoyable when the controls are wrestled from the player's hands. Watching the computer control a running Sonic through loops and over canyons is entertaining. Actually controlling this foul beast yourself is anything but.

Nintendo spent the last decade developing the technology in their media darling little console. They tested gyroscopic motions in various handheld experiments. They worked behind the scenes for years making sure this technology was good enough for home use. Their virtual reality game machine was a failure because, though it offered rudimentary holographic technology, it was not actually fun. A few more years left in the laboratory would have yielded far better results. With the Wii, Nintendo took their time. They made sure the technology was perfect before they let unclean hands try it out. The controller needed to be able to point, shake and know its own relation in 3D space within a blink of a hummingbird's eye. After perfecting this technology, and encasing it in a controller that would be inviting and accessible for everyone with limbs, they finally let gamers try it out for themselves.

Players have had no problems with the device. It is untalented developers who cannot quite grasp how to use it.

Sonic Wii controls like crap. An idle controller will spurn Sonic mindlessly forward like a mannequin riding a Segway. Problems do not arise until you actually pick up the controller. In theory, Sonic moves left and right by tilting the controller in the appropriate direction. Imagine a slowed down, less precise emulation of Excite Truck with a far less likable on screen avatar. The 2 button is used to jump. Now, if you assume jumping will work like every other platformer in the history of gaming, you would be wrong. Remember, this is Sonic. He can make the most basic concept scream with frustration. If you tap 2 you will do a short hop which serves no purpose. If you hold down 2 you will slow down in your tracks and charge up for a worthwhile jump. You may wonder how I can find fault with such a concept. Remember, this is a speed heavy platformer. To slow down at any point in these retched Sonic games is to sever the already fragile line to fun. As soon as you start to move through the levels with some grace you are forced to slow down to jump over enemies and across ravines.

Still don't understand why this is so bad? The closest Wii title to Sonic is Excite Truck. This is a racing game about speed. You fly over hills and into other cars just as Sonic jumps over pits and into enemies. In Excite Truck, you hold the controller back to jump. This is a smooth motion that ensures gameplay is not interrupted for even a second. In Sonic, you have to actually stop to make accurate jumps. The game is far too shallow to be an adequate platformer yet too slow and stunted to be a good racing game.

The worst part of this adventure is the forced motions you need to make. To attack enemies you have to actually thrust your controller towards the screen. Fun if you are a person who also finds joy in pushing an invisible cougar around, but oh so tedious when used with the unyielding repetition this game demands. Furthermore, the motion is so imprecise that, if you do not actually hit the enemy as planned, you do not know whether to blame the shoddy programming or the well built technology. Playing Sonic made me doubt the future of the Wii. It uses the revolutionary controller so poorly that I seriously feared that my favorite video game company (Nintendo) had doomed me to a future of imprecise tech demos.

It isn't until later in the game that you find out the developers thought it would be fun to make a platformer with horrendous controls. This is a platform game, even though it is shallow and not fun. And yet, you have to earn rudimentary moves that should be included from the beginning. Sure, adding a bit of fire to your standard attack is a perfectly acceptable practice. I love earning new moves in games. But Sonic goes further than just offering more powerful versions of existing moves. For instance, you can earn a magic orb that lets you jump more precisely. What? You mean I suffered through that string of horrible jumps for nothing? You can also unlock the ability to move more gracefully lateral. Can you imagine a Mario game in which your controls were intentionally crippled at the beginning? Where simply being able to move in a fun and satisfying manner was something you needed to earn? Even when Sonic enables these enhancements, the game is still sluggish and boring.

Sonic is the most overrated gaming franchise in the history of gaming. The 2D games are shallow and the 3D adventures are unplayable. I would rather alternate between marathon sessions of Lost Planet and Hotel Dusk than touch this cockroach fart again.

Earth Defense Force: 2017

2007-03-28T18:35:00.000-07:00

I really want to use grandiose statements to describe Earth Defense Force. Something like "The reason my pulmonary system churns" or "If God had a puppy, this would be it!" Something completely unreasonable that would make people shiver with glee. But I'm not going to pander, at least not that obviously. I did love every second of it. It's one of the most fun games on the system. And yet, when you try to dissect exactly why it is so fun, the game sounds like a real pile of pig's poop. The graphics are passable, though hardly better than you would find on the original Xbox. The voice acting sounds as though it's coming from Helen Keller after she burned her tongue on some tea. Even the controls are kind of crappy. Only four buttons are used and yet they stuck jump and evade on the same button? Who do they think they are kidding? And yet, despite the countless flaws, this game kicks seven kinds of ass. Imagine that Cerberus had a plethora of butts instead of heads, and this game kicked every one of them. That is Earth Defense Force.

Here's the deal: you are placed in a city overrun by alien ants the size of the pope's oversized Hummer. There are fifty seven thousand of these insects in every level, and that's just on the easiest difficulty setting. You have a barrel full of explosive weapons - grenades, both of the thrown and launched variety, rockets and missiles - as well as more traditional weapons such as shotguns, sniper rifles and acid spewers. With a story relegated to a mere twenty word description before each level, you set off to destroy this overgrown menace with nothing to get in the way.

Why is this so much fun? Because it harkens back to the days when shooting was enough. This plays like a next generation update to Robotron. You shoot, you run, you shoot again and if you're feeling spry, you can jump. It is mindless, repetitive fun that puts high budget shooters, such as the putrid Lost Planet or baffling Call of Duty, to shame. This is the very essence of what makes gaming fun. Add in the always lovable co-op mode, and you could easily spend the next fifty hours of your life destroying the alien threat without even taking the time to wipe the waterfall of drool spilling down your chin. It's the type of game that every parent should fear even more than the likes of chainsaw-tacular Gears of War or hooker fresh Grand Theft Auto. To sink into EDF is to understand what the human mind was like before evolution gave us the power of thought. It is mindless fun and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Or could I? Let's assume for a second that this game is not perfect. It's a rather cruel assumption but play along for a second. How could EDF possibly be improved in the next incarnation? I have a couple suggestions. First of all, I love killing giant ants and, since giant robots killed my father, I will gladly avenge his death for hours on end. But this game could use a little variety. Giant insects and robots are awesome, but how about more giant things? Who doesn't want to kill a giant zebra or an overgrown petunia? The fine folks at Sandlot should just look around their office and make every thing they see a giant enemy in the next game. From staplers to half eaten submarine sandwiches, I want to blow up a thousand enlarged versions of all the things that haunt me in my every day life.

Also, while there are over 150 guns in the game, I only used a handful of them. I like having sniper rifles and assault rifles in my inventory, but I'm not going to use them over a rocket launcher or shotgun. If they halved the number of guns but made each weapon upgradeable, I would still be playing this now instead of trying to persuade everyone else to buy it. Ratchet and Clank proved that monotony doesn't matter if I can upgrade my gear. Just throw that little feature in there and I'll eradicate the alien threat for good.

Other than those slight tweaks, this game is perfect as is. EDF is the standout entry in a genre we desperately need more quality games: B Video Games. Low production values and limited graphics can be fun in a game just like laughable dialog and rubber suits lure masochistic movie fans out of hiding. I love that the giant spiders don't splatter into a million pieces after being hit by a homing missile. I think it is really funny blasting an ant with a shotgun, watching him soar beyond a hill some three miles in the distance, but not so much as move a leg during the rough flight. This is a genuinely funny game that is undeniably fun.

I haven't even mentioned the sheer scale of the game yet. Each level is bloody huge. Most of them take place in a downtown metropolis with tall buildings taunting you to take a shot. And that is the just what I did in every level. The quickest path to a nest of ants is invariable blocked by a row of skyscrapers. With a few shots from my rocket launcher, I can cause more damage than my breeding foes could ever dream of. Who will police the police? Who cares? Everyone just grab a rocket launcher and destroy that monument! In 53 levels of chaotic action, I only found an invisible wall one time. The levels are staggering in their size.

Earth Defense Force: 2017 costs a mere $40 at retail, has more than fifty hours of gameplay, and can be enjoyed even by preschool dropouts. If you have an Xbox 360 and a friend who doesn't mind traveling to your place whenever you hang out, there is no reason not to buy this game.

Wanderer kills colossi

2007-03-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

I finally finished Shadow of the Colossus a few days ago. I spent the last year and a half grappling with this game. Every few months I would put this in my PS2, take down another towering gigantes, and then lose my motivation. I just could not find a reason why I should finish this game. But because I play almost all my games through to the very end, I kept coming back to it. Something was causing people to go wonky with love. I wanted to find it for myself. Now that I have seen all that this game has to offer I am even more confused. The concept behind this game, of traveling around a barren land defeating dormant colossus after dormant colossus, is one of the most interesting premises I have ever encountered in more than 20 years of playing video games. However, it was not a particularly fun experience. Shadow of the Colossus is the video game equivalent of Philip Glass. You can turn art on its head and get people to notice you, but that doesn't mean it's actually good. SotC is a game that everyone should experience, but don't expect the most complete gaming experience out there.

Shadow of the Colossus takes the idea of minimalist story and strips away just about every aspect related to story. There are only three story sequences in the entire game and a few scattered symbols if you're really paying attention. I will talk about the story in more detail later on, but first I want to describe how far Fumita Ueda, the artist behind this game, takes the idea that less is more. Every aspect of this game further emphasizes the creative need for less. The story, as I mentioned, is infrequent and lacks details. There are two main characters. One of which is presumably dead throughout the entirety of the game. The other is a quieter version of The Legend of Zelda's Link. It was hard for me to care about this journey when these characters are a virtual blank slate.

The gameplay is just as sparse as the story. You can climb, swing a sword and shoot a bow. You'll use these tools during battle. Half of the game is spent atop a horse looking for the next colossus to unceremonious kill. The world is certainly beautiful, but traveling from place to place across this barren land only dulled my enjoyment as the journey dragged onward. Ueda may have dove into his minimalist approach to excess, but you have to at least admire his steadfast nature. As you travel through forests and into sand covered plateaus, you will be traveling by the soothing sounds of your horse's trusty hooves and nothing more. The music comes when it pleases, and that seems to only be during the tense battles with the colossi or when a cut scene needs little life. The graphics and music are certainly quite impressive, but their sparse nature only weighed me down more. The game lacks energy. It lacks passion. Like an old man telling a long story after downing some horse tranquilizers, SotC requires determination just to stay awake.

Unfortunately, while the artistic vision, the backbone of this game, is solid and daring, the technical aspects are anything but. In the hands of a more adept development team, this game could have mustered the quiet awe it is striving for while providing a compelling video game experience as well. But the gameplay, the controls and camera, feel sloppy and unpredictable. The motions of your main character are built upon his relationship with the ground. When you push left to move, you do not simply move left like other games out there. Rather, you begin to lean to that side, slowly picking your foot off the ground as you begin to move in earnest. All the moves behave like this. So if you are balancing on the wrist of a giant colossus later in the game and would like to jump across to his other hand, you cannot simply hold in the appropriate direction and jump. Your body needs to be positioned at the optimal angle for this maneuver to take place. This would not be a game breaking mechanism if the camera allowed you to see how your character was positioned. Sadly, it does not. The camera has a mind of its own and does not place a particularly high priority on gameplay visibility. While it strives to give you a picturesque view of the action, it is often hidden behind a rock or giant body part. Trying to swing the camera and move your character while trying balancing on a giant, swaying body all at the same time is tedious at best.

The gameplay may be frustrating, but is the story good enough to make this journey worth completing? Sadly, the story is just as amateurish as the gameplay. Throughout the entire game, as I found reasons to keep playing that the game never offered, I kept thinking about the minimalist approach. It was unavoidable and I needed something to think about during those lonely walks to my next victim. As a person who has studied literature for four years in college, I have some grasp of the value of a minimalist story. I also understand when it goes too far, offers too few details, and ends up falling on its own ass. The idea of subtlety in writing is a very difficult thing to properly implement. First of all, you need to have a strong feeling on where you want the story to end up. There has to be a defined goal at the end that you are constantly striving towards. Furthermore, you have to provide enough information for your audience to be able to logically happen upon that idea. A story told with a subtle hand can have many plausible explanations, but there is a very real conclusion as well.

SotC lacks any real point. Instead of being subtle, the story simply lacks detail. This is a very big distinction. There are various questions that can never be answered. An expert storyteller would lace subtle hints throughout the game to offer an explanation as to why this journey is taking place at all, who the main characters are, and what is their relationship to their foes. You would also have some idea what the relationship between the two main characters is. At the end of SotC, you could guess that they are lovers or siblings or maybe they never even met, but there isn't a concrete nudge in any direction. In essence, you are forced to create the whole story yourself. This is lazy storytelling. I read poetry because I love figuring out what the intention of an artist was. I enjoy dissecting the structure and words used to create a hypothesis why a poem was written in the first place. After scratching my head over SotC for the past two days, I can only come to the conclusion that there is no reason for this story to be told. Ueda merely wanted people to scratch their heads for awhile. Instead of enlighten he wanted to baffle. Because he had no concrete vision in mind, he left the storytelling up the gamer in the hopes that he would be immortalized in whatever direction they took the story.

Shadow of the Colossus is really a beautiful game. Anyone who thinks gaming has stagnated should play this game just to see how much more this medium can grow. But I do not consider this a fine example of gaming art. I look forward to the next adventure on the PlayStation 3. The industry needs people willing to take risks. I applaud Fumita Ueda for trying something different, but I don't feel SotC is anything more than a pretty picture lacking real depth.

God of War 2

2007-03-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Tchaikovsky's violin concerto is playing in the background. We will soon find out how Kratos mixes with the serenade of a dead man.

If the question is ever asked, "Why do video games need a story?" you should point your inquisitive friend to the sublime God of War series. This may be the best example of video games working on the same level as the high art found in other mediums. The characters have real emotions, real motivations, and have a purpose beyond merely filling up space in a video game. The story, though one filled with hate and vengeance that would make Martin Scorsese blush, has a sense of pacing that even skilled authors struggle to match. Plus, there is a reason for its existence other than an excuse to shed more blood. The graphics themselves are jaw-dropping on a technical level and breathtaking in their sheer beauty. The score is able to subtlety move the player to quiet desperation and then, with a quickening of tempo and a crash from the percussion section, remind players of the anger and grief welling inside. And finally, the reason why this game is a perfect example of high art in video games, the controls and gameplay are refined to perfection. One can close their eyes and feel the rhythm of battle just like a cellist may vibrate slightly with each C plucked. This is the game the industry has been building towards.

I played through the entirety of God of War 2 during two glorious days last week. I could feel something special taking place from the moment I picked up the controller, but I almost took the experience for granted. The original God of War was so amazing I actually expected a nearly flawless sequel. The perfect combination of technical prowess and artistic beauty was merely some other game to be dissected and probed. Another game to find faults with. The sometimes obtuse puzzles or a silly animation glitch was cause for ridicule. As I neared the end, surviving an epic battle with the Sisters of Fate, I realized what I was experiencing. I realized how perfect the last ten hours have been, how they made every previous adventure seem trite by comparison. I realized that I wanted nothing more than to exact my revenge on Zeus. While at the same time, I wanted the game to go on forever. I had finally dropped my critical gloves and allowed myself to enter this experience.

God of War 2 has no peer. It is the most riveting, complete experience of last generation. While other games are content with mere levels, GoW2 gives you an entire civilization to roam. Where other stories offer a quick breather between battles, GoW2 takes full advantage of the medium. Tearing through Olympia with the fury of an angry rhinoceros would still be a compelling experience. But this story is much deeper. It is about trying to destroy an immortal. A being that has lived without equal for hundreds of years. It is the powerful message that no person, no matter how invincible they may seem, is immune to the arrows of a hero scorned. It is a warning to anyone who thinks they are untouchable while they sit on their throne. If Kratos can go after the God of Gods and survive, no one should get too comfortable in their own lives.

A few years ago I had not yet grasped the importance of story in video games. Cut scenes were excuses for me to get food from the kitchen or, if I was already full, a chance to slam on the Start button. Although every other aspect of gaming has grown through the years, story has taken a back seat for some reason. People have been content with alien invasion tales and teenage love triangles. They have accepted poorly translated dialog and two dimensional characters cut from the back of a cereal box. God of War 2 proves that a compelling story is as important as graphics and sound. It is the segment of a game that urges you forward and will stay in your cerebrum years down the road. GoW2 is able to combine vast environments, towering enemies and a reason why you should care in the first place. It's not only fun to kick Perseus' ass, but it's immensely rewarding to desecrate his corpse afterwards because of what a little rat he was.

I could write an entire paper about the motivations behind Kratos' rage, but I will condense his tale to a mere paragraph. Kratos does not realize he is the star of a video game noir. He will never be happy. There is only one way this trilogy can end: Kratos falling in battle, not quite able to overcome the overwhelming number of selfish and despicable beings in the world. He is a doomed figure. His goal is to right the many wrongs of the world, but that is an impossible order. With each fallen tyrant a new one will spring up. It is a dark message and one that can only lead to depression and death. But Kratos is an interesting figure because of his predetermined fate. To watch a man struggle against immortals only to be brought down by his inflated sense of duty is a fascinating look at the human mind. Given the proper motivation, one can destroy the very makers of fate if they desire. But fate is a human idea. Kratos will never be able to change what drives him.

God of War II is the best game on the most impressive system of all time. It combines every element of gaming into a masterpiece that raises the bar higher than most developers can even see. It may be years before another video game as complete as God of War 2 is created.

Who doesn't want new games?

2007-03-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

There is a Titanic-sized boatload of new releases coming out this week. If I didn't write about a game you care about, it's either too expensive (Cooking Mama: Cook Off), too much like real tennis (Virtua Tennis 3) or I just feel dirty talking about it in the first place (The Godfather). Just remember: if it is based on a license that should have stayed dormant (Ubisoft's new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game) or forces you to imagine that your Wiimote is a tiny biplane (Wing Island and Blazing Angels) you should just turn up your nose and walk away. And don't forget about the Xbox Live Arcade release this week. It may not be multiplayer, but it is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.

Earth Defense Force: 2017 (X360) - To see a small spider climbing up my apartment wall is to look into the eyes of fear itself. The only defense to such a strong threat is distance, and lots of it. After years of unbridled torment I will finally be able to exact my revenge upon the entire world of arachnids. Only this time, the insects are bigger than a blue whale and have at least twice as many legs. The Earth Defense Force was the unfortunate team hired to fight Godzilla back when he was young enough to destroy entire cities with a burst of his magma hot breath. After years of hanging out at the EDF headquarters, waiting patiently for another massive monster attack that never materialized, the crew has all sorts of pent up energy. While my girlfriend may use a sheaf of paper to exterminate my mortal foes, it is rocket launchers, homing lasers and dynamite rocket plungers (guess where you shove that) used to spill green blood upon the Earth in this fictional retelling of all my vengeance fueled dreams. This is only $40 so I fully expect every person reading my pleas to procure a copy in whatever manner they see fit. Sure, you can't actually play co-op online or even with a Local Area Network, but it does have single screen co-op. I ask you, would you really want to fight giant insects alone?

Kororinpa Marble Mania (Wii) - Would I be more excited for this unpronounceable ball rolling sim if it included giant creatures of some kind? Yes. But is it fair to hold such a weakness against it? After my run in with Excite Truck and Wario Ware: Smooth Moves, I am all over the Wii again. And what better way to show my slowly swelling love of tilting controls than a delicate marble adventure? I'm sure this game is seven rings of hell difficult, just like every other marble starring game ever thrust onto the world, but that is not going to deter me. I am going to guide Mr. Marble over mountains and through tunnels until he reaches the goal, and eternal happiness. It is my duty, after all, to please this inanimate being. Who else but I has the courage to tilt my controller in the pursuit of freedom?

Radio Allergy (GC) - The PlayStation 2 issued its first of many dying gurgles last week when God of War 2 finally came out. Possibly the best game on the greatest system of all time put a proper exclamation point on the eulogy of our favorite Emotion Engine. And then there is the Gamecube, the little lunch box that no one wanted. Its swan song? A 2D shooter originally released for the Dreamcast. Laugh if you must, but don't you dare leave the baffling name out of your hate filled chuckle fest. I am not sure what the premise is, but I will bet a suitcase of cash for your bucket of krill that it does not actually involve a being whose throat closes shut when in the vicinity of amplitude modulation. If this game featured some two player, co-op action like that bug blowing up game at the top of this entry, I would order my denizens to plop down their $20 to briefly rekindle some GC lovin'. But it's a solo experience. I don't play these games to die repeatedly alone. Hopefully, some relevant exclusive game will come out in the distant future so I can give the Gamecube a proper pat on the back. Just a quick note: Radio Allergy has been pushed back at the last minute before, so don't ignite your pitchforks if it gets delayed again.

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 3, Episode 3

2007-03-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is episode three despite what I say in the intro (oops). We beat God of War 2 and Wario Smooth Moves this week, and have plenty to say! We also go over next week's releases, chat about focus in games and run through recent news as always.

Download link.

(Or better yet, use the iTunes subscription link near the top of the page and review us!)

Excite Truck rocks?

2007-03-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was one of those kids who leaned into my turns in racing games. I'm not talking about the car itself - I'm talking about my physical, human body. I would lean to make my turns tighter. I would stand on my tiptoes so Mario could jump that extra inch more across the bottomless pit. I would knock my friend to the ground to prevent another Bo Jackson touchdown in Tecmo Bowl. As a kid, I may not have quite grasped the separation between controller and game. They were one in the same. A world where every action and word in real life somehow correlated to my on screen avatar's livelihood. Needless to say, people didn't like playing me in Mortal Kombat until long after the series drifted into irrelevance.

Have I mentioned how awesome Excite Truck is yet? All those gestures I forcefully weaned myself off through the years are back in full force. To make difficult turns, I actually move my whole body 90 degrees. I learn way back, head slamming into uncushioned sofa, when I need an extra bit of air for a wicked jump. I continually yell, "Whoa whoa whoa!" like my horse is on fire. And I love every second of it. Until I played Excite Truck last week, I feared that our Waggle Overlords were slowly going to turn my favorite hobby into a smelly cesspool of casual gamers and shallow games. Now? I wish Alex Ward would ditch that bloated Burnout 5 project and make a Wii racing game instead.

What makes Excite Truck so damn exciting? It's fast and completely ridiculous. The controls are simple because it's something we've all been practicing for our whole lives. The Wiimote stays on its side throughout the race, kind of like a white banana with gryro controls. Sure, it's sloppy, but would you rather be stuck with that Ubi Soft PSX racing game they ported to the Wii with the plastic steering wheel add-on? I didn't think so. So you turn the Wiimote like you're a mime with a prop, tilting the controller in the logical direction to make turns, get air or, if you're feeling low, keep your truck as close to the ground as possible. Your left hand calls forth turbo with a slap of the D pad and your right hand controls the gas and brake buttons. Guess which button you won't be using. Thankfully, there aren't any boring maneuvers like shifting gears or stopping your car to let glass carriers cross the road, though I would have loved a sniper scope option.

(Quick Sidenote - Red Octane, developer of Guitar Hero, had a pep rally last week where they cried out against games with complicated controls. The displayed a Dual Shock controller where every button was used. The Square was used for Turbo while the X button was a Sniper Scope. I would love to see this game.)

Back to Excite Truck, the game is all about speed and air. Fire should always be spewing out of your car as you frantically slam on the D pad. The game encourages crazy jumps, like every any good game should. The longer you stay suspended a mile above the ground, the quicker the turbo gauge refuels. Races consist of flying off jumps, slamming into lesser cars, and playing God: Day 1 as you deftly mold the earth to your liking. Didn't hear about that feature, did you? There are icons strewed around the track that act as tokens of creation. Nab one and watch as a flat road gives birth to a towering hill leading to the heavens. Or knock down a giant iceberg to reveal a sunken oil tanker that, you guessed it, needs to be jumped over. Races are extremely fast and different every time. It's just a fantastic experience all around.

And then there is the minimalist though highly enjoyable two player mode. Sure, it's just a one-on-one, no frills race to the finish. Or at least it would be if this wasn't Excite Truck. There is nothing quite like hitting a jump perfectly, flying 1900 feet through the air, and landing perfectly on the back of your slow driving friend. Joy of joys, to slam into the back of your buddy's car and propel them into an ancient redwood, an act that would bring a smile to even Princess Diana's eye.

Excite Truck is what I expected from the Wii when it was first announced. Accessible, fun but unplayable with a mere analog stick. It's all about tilting your body and yelling like a five-year-old again. Maybe Nintendo was on to something with this waggle wand of theirs.

New releases are surprisingly light this week

2007-03-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

God of War 2 (PS2) - There are only two appropriate responses to the news that GoW2 is coming out this week. The first and most charming would be, "Duh, I already had my first menage a trois." The second response that I would accept, and the one our very own Nick has shouted over and over again, is just as heart-warming, "God of War 2 is coming out THIS WEEK?" He even yelled in all caps. I think he bellowed those exact words two or three times during our last podcast. I really shouldn't have shoved all that cotton in his nose when he told me it would mess up his memory. Oh well, live and learn.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (XBLA) - How are you enjoying Worms? Did it make you smile when you first tried to toss a sheep onto a group of your invertebrate friends? Did you squeal with joy when the stupid mini-mule leaped over them and landed in a pool of the tears of his departed colleagues? I'm glad we can all find solace in wrecking the lives of the lowest species on Earth, even if it is one that has proven itself to ultimately be the most important. Wait a second, shouldn't I write a few words about TMNT? This is the big one. The XBLA game we've all been waiting for. It's that Turtles game we all played in the arcades 14 years ago. The game that taught us all that stealing pizza is always a good idea, even if our buddy has one sliver of health left. And you can relive all your memories for only $5. How can you possibly say no to that offer? I'll tell you what, if you download this game, I'll even let you play as Donatello. Deal?

Viva Pinata Demo (XBL) - I refuse to write about a portable Nazi killing game or its re-released big screen cousin. Instead, I will rave once more about this overlooked game. Viva Pinata is amazing. It is the most in-depth sim I have ever played on a console, and one of the cutest games ever to boot. Do you have a stone heart or something? This is not some cheesy demo either. It is practically the entire game. There's no time limit so feel free to catch pinatas and grow trees until you feel like actually compensating the fine folks at Rare. If you were too embarrassed to ask a clerk to retrieve a copy of this pastel paradise for you, now you can enjoy its candy goodness from the secret comfort of your own home. You have no excuse for not playing this amazing game now. Prove the skeptics wrong! The X360 audience demands more than just shooters!

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 3, Episode 1 - GDC special

2007-03-10T14:17:00.000-08:00

GDC time! We're back from the show with many a story and insight to share; Home, LittleBigPlanet and much more, as well as the usual what we've been playing and news all wrapped up in a tight little package.

Download link.

(Or better yet, use the iTunes subscription link near the top of the page and review us!)

P.S. I'm aware of my voice fading out later in the show. It was either that or more loud airplane noises, apparently.

GDC: Live from GDC! GDC!

2007-03-09T13:47:00.000-08:00

Just attended a great planel on the autobiography of flOw, where thatgamecompany and creator Jenova Chen discussed how they came to be and the last year in their lives which took them from USC design students to a small team with the #1 game on the PSN network. Great presentation, one of the more interesting tidbits being that they had to decide between PS3 and Wii for the title; it seems like such a good fit for Sony and their more risky publishing tastes, but it could certainly be argued that it would be an even better fit for the Wii with the more complex motion control. I'm happy with their choice though, and it's definitely working out for them.

Yesterday was a bit of a ridiculous morning, with back to back to back to back talks by industry icons and legends. Tom and I went to see Cliffy B talk Gears of War iteration first thing in the morning, then attended Shigeru Miyamoto's keynote on the "creative vision," went straight to Peter Molyneux talking innovations in Fable 2, then a very refreshing and hilarious game design challenge with David Jaffe, Alexey Pajitnov (Tetris, Hexic) and Harvey Smith (Deus Ex). Regarding the challenge, the three designers were given the challenge of creating a game concept around a needle and thread interface, whereby the controller is a piece of cloth, plastic needles and thread. I'll talk more detail another time, but Jaffe had a hilariously presented Paper Airplane designing game called Playper, Pajitnov had a very mathematically, systematically explained simple-yet-brilliant puzzle game design reminiscent of Snak.... okay what the hell? Laura Foy is sitting on the computer next to me and just answered the phone at the top of her voice and proceeded to have the loudest conversation of all time. What a famous bitch. Anyhow... yeah, and Harvey made a ludicrously ambitious, well thought out adventure game with RPG elements. Good stuff.

Tom and I played a four-player game of Calling All Cars yesterday, and I've gotta say it's the most fun I've had at the show so far (and it's been a damn great show). It's just one of those instantly great, instantly accessible and entertaining games. The controls and concept take about a minute to pick up, and then it's just riotous fun until the game is over. You just drive around picking up criminals, and try to return them to drop-off points of different value before someone steals them from you by bumping into you or hits you with one of many available weapons. And that's about the extent of it. I dominated the game thanks to my thirty seven years with the LAPD, naturally, but even those other losers still had a great time. Between CaC, Home and LittleBigPlanet, I once again need a PS3. But I also need a job and an HDTV, in that order... but still! It's a close third.

Really, GDC is just a great place for business. I've met a ton of great contacts; if you have someone you want to talk to you, walk around long enough and you'll run into them. It's smaller, more professional and exponentially more focused than E3. And instead of waiting in line to play embarrassing builds of too-early games, you get to hear the best talent in the industry talk about how they make great games, imparting their philosophies and methods to the people who matter to the future of games. And all in a setting where there's not a blaring half pipe four feet away from you while you're trying to ask someone a question.

Gotta run to a session called "SPORE's Magic Crayons." Wish me luck!

(and tune in tonight for a podcast, hopefully)

Little Big Planet

2007-03-07T23:20:00.000-08:00

I'm wrought with exhaustion from today's GDC adventure, and I plan to wake up tomorrow morning and do it all again. I'll have a very thorough wrap-up at the end of the show, but for today I just wanted to make sure that everyone sees Little Big Planet; it's by far the most important and interesting thing I've seen from the show yet, and makes me so excited for the future of games I can't discuss it in level tones. Here's the crappy YouTube version for the lazy single-clickers:

I really encourage you to check out all of the videos though to get the full scope of what the game's about - without the background, it's like looking at a beautifully constructed chair without having the vaguest clue about how furniture is made. But then being given a tool set and told that anyhow can create a piece of work of that caliber. GO HERE and watch, trust me on this. And then come back on Friday (maybe tomorrow?) for a full update and hopefully a new podcast.

What's your favorite Halo episode?

2007-03-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

With the anemic story in both Halo games, until now that question would have been met with comedic anger and polite mocking. But in the distant future, when Peter Jackson gets his hands on the series, strong opinions will be formed. According to Shane Kim at a Blogger's Breakfast today, Peter Jackson will head the development of a series of episodic Halo titles. Though the genre and release date, not to mention the very story by which these titles are strung together, have not yet been revealed, it is safe to assume these will be considered a bastion of hope for those upset by the arc in the first two games in the series.

Hopefully, the Academy Awards will retool their strict requirements of only allowing only movies to win awards by the time these games hit. If Meet the Feebles and Bad Taste are any indication of how the Halo Episodes will unfold, well, they better hand out barf bags to everyone in attendance.

New games arriving

2007-03-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

Motorstorm (PS3) - Have you ever hung out with a dog breeder? They take you around their massive, dog-humping estate and talk your ear off about these perfect little specimens they have created. You, being cordial, smile and nod as another round of pups says its hellos. To the average person, puppies may be cute but they are virtually indistinguishable from one another. They all have floppy ears, poop incessantly, and inspire tales about Big Red Dogs who terrorize vulnerable children. As a dog aficionado, I don't share your simple-minded affliction. But I can relate. Just about every racing game simply blends into the crowd for me. Sure, there are standout entries like Burnout and Mario Kart, but the vast majority are merely graphically enhanced versions of Rally X. Motorstorm has that next generation sheen and mud that could blind a yak, but I'd rather play another round of Super Off Road. Who's with me?

Def Jam: Icon (X360/PS3) - Every time a new Def Jam comes out, I fondly remember the days when Thrill Kill was going to single-handedly destroy the society our founding fathers struggled to build. Does anyone even remember this game anymore? It was a four player fighting game for the original PlayStation that set out to make Super Smash Bros obsolete before it even hit the streets. Of course, the concept sounds cool enough as is, but Virgin went the extra mile. They tossed sadistic hedonists into this M rated brawler in the hopes of garnering more attention for their poorly crafted creation. Electronic Arts actually took notice, not because of the shocking material, but because a developer had some how programmed a four player fighter to run on that ancient hardware. Needless to say, EA bought Virgin, stole their property, and turned it into the thug-mashing beat 'em up you see before you. What's new about Icon? It's $60. Welcome to next gen.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories (PS2) - The PSP version came out last year. It was outsold by the Nintendo DS version of Hanna Montana.

Worms (XBLA) - The Xbox Live Arcade is finally cooking. Who would have ever thought that worms could be such violent little creatures, or that they would somehow be able to use a rope without any appendages whatsoever? I certainly wouldn't have believed such a statement, but the facts speak for themselves. Another little know fact about my favorite invertebrates: though they battle frequently, they can only move after their wormy opponent has already taken his turn. Courtesy or stupidity? You'll have to decide tomorrow, for a small $10 observation fee. A strange, fascinating species that I hope lets us see even deeper into their demented society with future expansion packs.

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 3, Episode 1

2007-03-01T23:58:00.000-08:00

We kick off our historic third season with a huge catch up list of what we've been playing - Crackdown, Lost Planet, all the goods - discuss some upcoming releases, where we stand on each console, run through a GDC preview and the great potential of Sony's rumored Home service! Come get crazy with us!

Download link.

(Or better yet, use the iTunes subscription link near the top of the page and review us!)

Back in Cyrodiil

2007-02-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, is one of the most captivating games I have ever played. When I first played the game almost a year ago, I was completely floored by what Bethesda accomplished. They somehow crafted an entire world where every action you take, from firing an arrow to simply walking down a tree-lined road, affects the physical attributes of your character. The amount of things you can do are simply staggering. There are eight cities in the game, each complete with scores of stores and mobs of people who need items retrieved or trolls removed. There are guilds to join, houses to buy and even skeletons to summon and command. And yet, the last time I wrote about Oblivion, I ripped it. Now that I am back in the world, spending almost twenty hours developing my new character in the last five days, do I stand by my criticisms of this game? Or do I forgive its petty sins and accept it as the greatest time sink of all time?

Or is it somewhere in between?

When you consider how long I have spent playing Oblivion, it seems silly and hypocritical to insult its slight problems. Of course, after playing so many hours of it, I will come across the occasional flaw. Very few games are perfect. Video games may be an art form, but they are a commodity first and foremost. Games are rarely shipped when everyone is completely satisfied. They are done when publishers tell them they are done. When the developer's hand is forcibly removed from the computer and they are told they cannot add one more item or pixel to this already jam packed experience. Reviewing a game is like trying to critique a painting that may not fully represent the artist's true intent. My problems with Oblivion come from the fact that time does exist, money is finite, and Bethesda may have simply not had enough time to add everything I expect from an RPG.

Basically, as fun as Oblivion is, and I don't believe a single game released last year provided more fun than Oblivion, it does feel severely stunted at times. Though every action you take affects your character's physical attributes, you have very little influence on the actual world around you. There is no way to form relationships or even create an identity in which people react to you strongly based on what deeds you have accomplished. I want my actions to have an effect not only on me but the people I meet and the world I inhabit. Though that concept may have been too advanced for Bethesda to fully explore in this edition of the Elder Scrolls series, it does hurt my overall enjoyment of the game.

While Oblivion does not offer real choices or sizable consequences, what it does right has never been mirrored in another title. Many games offer side quests to spend your time in when the main quest seems too arduous, but few really embrace this idea. Oblivion gives you the option to completely ignore the plight of this nation if you prefer. Though I was supposed to avenge the death of the emperor as the game began, I decided to try my hand at the Mage's Guild instead. After 15 long hours of killing Necromancers and retrieving lost books, I was finally promoted to the head of the guild. I have my own fancy quarters, complete with a chest that duplicates items placed in it, as well as an eager barrage of mage understudies willing to help me on whatever quest I next choose. The fact that Oblivion allowed me to study magic instead of forcing me to save the province is a testimony to the sheer freedom Bethesda offered. Not only am I allowed to partake in activities that interest me more than returning precious amulets, the game offers a ridiculous number of side quests to waste your time doing.

Also, though you cannot develop the mental state of your character, I love being able to choose my physical presence. When Nick and I started our quest last year, we choose your standard well-rounded adventurer. Good with a sword, good with magic, but great at nothing. He was fun and powerful, but did not exactly represent the character I'd want to be. Now, with my own game (Nick's borrowed copy) and my own character, I can do something completely different. Now, my only physical weapon is a bow imbued with frost magic. I have a staff that shoots powerful lightning spells as well. I have forgone traditional armor entirely, choosing instead a magic cloak that does not protect me from physical attacks but makes me stronger in magic. Magic, you say? I am exceedingly powerful in that area. I was able to take down the head of the Necromancers, a fellow who doesn't compare to Voldemort but is still a pretty crummy dude, in just a few strikes from my magic hand. I love being this powerful. I don't have a sword, axe or lance in my arsenal.

I love that I can create a character exactly how I see fit.

I think my problems with the game are completely reasonable, but it's easy to overlook them with all the things Oblivion does right. I only hope we see a true RPG in the future that still caries the freedom of this game. A game that may not offer a limitless number of quests, but one that offers real consequences for your actions. One in which, when I ask the head Necromancer if I can join him, he accepts rather than try to kill me. One in which my presence in this world strongly impacts the lives of all around me. I can choose my physical powers but can't do anything about my mental state. I would like a game that includes both options. I don't think that is too much to ask. While I count down the seconds for Mass Effect to come out, I will continue to play Oblivion.

Lost Planet - Get Lost!

2007-02-13T23:39:00.000-08:00

Capcom sure loves throwing controversial political ideas into their science fiction adventures. Last year, Dead Rising taught the world that Americans are mindless zombies of consumerism. You can chop off their arms with a samurai sword or even place a Servbot helmet over their greedy heads, but they will never stop buying crap they don't need. It was a lesson well taught since I never actually purchased said game, even though it was one of the best games released last year. Anyway, their lecturing of the American public continues in Lost Planet: Extreme Condition. The lesson this time: cut back on the fossil fuels! The planet will freeze and giant insects will take over! If the future of gaming is anything like this sorry game, I welcome our ant overlords.

I think Capcom really missed the boat on Lost Planet. The first few levels are actually really entertaining. You find yourself virtually all alone on this horrible, frozen wasteland of a planet. To make matters worse, there are giant insects crawling out of every building you come across and they even make postulating nests of evil to breed their kin. It's quite revolting. I loved making my way across the tundra, using my grappling hook to climb buildings while I methodically dismembered the tyrannical trilobites. Every great science fiction tale includes horrible bugs whose sole purpose is to make our lovable human compatriots live a wretched existence. I could get behind a title that advocated the systematic extermination of these horrible beings.

But then Capcom threw it these god damned Mechs.

This should have been the preeminent grappling hook adventure of the modern age of gaming. Levels should have been constructed with multiple pathways in which your grappling hook became your best friend. Battles should have required the quick rappelling action only a grappling hook can provide. This could have been Spider Man in the snow with a gun. This should have been a great action game. But the mechs are not particularly fun to controls and are certainly not fun to fight against. When the mechs entered stage right, they dropped the stage lights right on the head of all that was fun in this game.

Enough dreaming about what the game could have been. What it is is a disjointed adventure title with average control and very little originality. I am utterly shocked that Capcom is behind this. They have been on a roll recently. They have already developed two of the most entertaining games released this century - Resident Evil 4 and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. Even more shocking, Keiji Inafune was the man responsible for this inconsistent mess. Just last year, he graced the world with Dead Rising, one of the most original and satisfying games I have played in a long time. And now he's combining Global Warming, an underutilized grappling hook, and mechs into this hodge podge assortment of cliche action themes whose only saving grace is the bleak wilderness where the battles take place.

The control in Lost Planet has given me nightmares. The difficulty is centered on the fact that this game controls like dog poop. In a mech or on foot, your character has no significant defensive maneuvers. Basically, if the computer wants to hit you, there is very little chance you will be able to move out of the way. Because the animations for every action, from jumping to reloading and even switching weapons, takes a second after pushing the button before it activates, you can be sure that you will rarely do what you want when you want.

Any fight that takes place in close quarters is a migraine inducer. Enemies are equipped with fast firing rocket launchers that can hit you repeatedly until you die, with no ability to move out of the way. The beautiful particle effects Capcom worked tirelessly to create means you won't be able to see your opponent during most fights. There is a perpetual cloud of smoke and snow floating around your head. Lost Planet gives you the experience of piloting a mech as Stevie Wonder. I just called to say I loathe you.

Do not even consider playing this game. Lost Planet may not be bad, but it's not particularly fun either. I spent most of my time either concocting new curses that could fully express what I was feeling or lecturing Bethany about the finer points of game design and how Lost Planet fails at every opportunity. Without an audience to listen to my cries, I would never have had the strength to finish it. If you are halfway through and expecting a crescendo at the end, give it up now. The final battle throws everything you have been doing through the entire adventure straight out the window, replacing it with a bland Zone of the Enders clone that would have felt outdated last decade. Xbox 360 fans deserve much better than this.

Hotel Dusk - No replacement for real literature

2007-02-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, when I first started playing Hotel Dusk I was completely engrossed. I love games and I love books. How could I not love Hotel Dusk? For all intents and purposes, this is not a video game at all. It's much more akin to an interactive novel. There are a few rudimentary puzzles sprinkled throughout and the occasional interrogation sequences in which a wrong questioned will elicit an abrupt Game Over, but the vast majority of this adventure is just a straight forward narrative. Unfortunately, I cannot actually review this game without sounding pretentious. You see, Hotel Dusk is a game for people who are ashamed of playing games. It is for people who want to appear well-read while still actively avoiding actual novels. The few pieces of gameplay scattered throughout are not strong enough to make this a worthwhile video game, and the story is so insultingly slow and predictable you will not be able to pass this off as an alternative to literature either. I am not sure why this game is garnering so much positive attention, but I seriously fear for the future of our generation, the one's who so love video games, if Hotel Dusk is noted for strong characters and a gripping story. As I stand up straight and hold my pretentious chin level with the ground, I have to yell, "Read a damn book!" Hotel Dusk just makes me sad.

Do you remember my long rant about Marvel: Ultimate Alliance? Nick had already critiqued the abysmal gameplay a week earlier, so I had to settle for deconstructing one of the worst stories in comic game history. My biggest complaint was the forced inclusion of every conceivable character from the Marvel universe. They spent more time explaining how every character tied in to the larger story, trying desperately to convince gamers of their relevance, and very little time actually developing a worthwhile plot or adequate motivations. Why do I bring this up now? Hotel Dusk forms its story in the exact same manner.

You play as Kyle Hyde, an ex-cop turned door-to-door salesman who can't quite give up the badge life. Your boss hired you for a good reason, and it has nothing to do with the adhesive remover or portable sewing machine in your briefcase. The business behind the facade of the salesman business is actually about finding lost items for desperate individuals. You find yourself in this out of the way hotel, picking up items for a client who has not revealed himself, while you try to solve a mystery that forced you to leave the force in the first place. The hotel is filled with the requisite number of seemingly random loonies, though they all end up having a strong relationship to each other. Surprise surprise. You mean the writer has a secret? The owner of the hotel is more than he seems? And don't forget about the bell boy. I know I've seen him before.

The problem? None of these characters are particularly compelling. While that assessment is completely subjective, I had one issue with the script that cannot be denied: the pacing is impossibly slow. You will spend hours upon hours playing this game before any detail, even the most banal detail, is revealed. This is not entertaining. But the time some of the juicy ideas are surfacing during the latter chapters, the drudge of a story had piled so high upon my back I didn't even care anymore. Twists are only successful if the reader is deeply interested in the plot and characters. By artificially extending every detail to ridiculous proportions, the game eschews any sense of tension and just creates suffocating boredom. By the time the conclusion was playing out, I was frantically tapping the screen in an attempt to make the credits roll sooner.

Do you remember reading an awful book for school? Maybe you had to read The Pearl or The Adventures of Huckleberry Fin. You know how tedious those are to go through? Hotel Dusk is much, much worse. You are forced to read at a ridiculously slow speed because the game truly was made for morons. You have to solve pointless puzzles that, like the abrupt end to every conversation just when it begins to get interesting, are only implemented to extend the life of this drab experience. Worst of all, you have to go through every second of this game. You can't flip forward a couple chapters or peruse SparkNotes. It's just bone numbing boredom until the game wraps things up in an untidy bow.

If Hotel Dusk was a novel, an actual novel written for adults, it would never have been published. Why would I want to waste my time reading a story that isn't good enough for print when there is not one ounce of gameplay to pad the experience? I wouldn't, and I hope you heed my advice. If you want an interesting story on your NDS, just play Phoenix Wright. If you crave mystery, pick up a Raymond Chandler novel. Either way, stay far, far away from Hotel Dusk.

West side

2007-02-07T21:26:00.000-08:00

Really, I just haven't had a lot to say. As you've no doubt gleaned from my stalwart co-writer Tom, moving can suck for your gaming life, especially when your games are all packed away. Mine thankfully arrived with me, as I drove Out West instead of flew (I can't afford those pricey aeromobiles that Tom flits around in), but it's still been a headache organizing things to the point where I feel comfortable plopping down in front of Lost Planet for a spell.

Regarding said wayward terrestrial sphere, I've definitely enjoyed the time I've put into the game thus far. It's really a very simple action/adventure game at heart; linear levels capped with a boss, action over puzzles, and a thoroughly uninteresting story. That said, it's paced extraordinarily well and makes good use of the gameplay variety that's offered.

You'll do a lot of running around snowy cities, snowy fields and snowy caves (and ice cold factories!), shooting at swarms of pretty aliens, human snow pirates and the occasional giant moth. The structure of the bigger shootouts allow for some decent experimenting, as you usually have a few different weapons, grenades and mechs at your disposal, and a fancy pants grappling hook to whip around the environment with.

The methodical pace of the game (read: slow movement) takes a bit of getting used to, but it works well with the sensitivity of the aiming mechanic and the general exploration of the ultimately small levels. It's definitely gratifying to make it out of a firefight with plenty of health and ammo left, and by that same token if you have to use every last bullet to down a boss you'll feel a nice sense of accomplishment. It would of been nice if they had added some sort of upgrade mechanic to the weapons you use most over time (ala Ratchet & Clank 2+3), but they're well balanced so I suppose I shouldn't rock the boat.

I'm also really looking forward to Crackdown in a couple of weeks. The demo was a very hearty taste, but I've held off playing it further until the final game so I get to keep my leveled character and get some nerd points for my work. I found the co-op mechanic to be a bit disappointing to the narrative aspect of the game as you don't actually have to work together to get things accomplished (and usually end up half the city away from one another), but being able to muck around in an urban sandbox with a buddy is definitely something that's been worth the wait.

Tom and I were discussing game design philosophy over a bout of LP multiplayer tonight, and decided that while all games need co-op, very few actually need multiplayer. Games like Lost Planet and Saint's Row have fairly robust multiplayer features which are fun for a few hours, but most online communities die off after a couple of months and it just becomes frustrating that the development time wasn't spent polishing or lengthening the heart of the game. I was thrilled when they announced that there wouldn't be multiplayer in Bioshock; it would just be completely unnecessary, and a complete waste of resources.

It should also be mentioned that this whole Killzone 2 thing is getting way out of hand. It's inevitable that it's coming out, Sony needs a great exclusive shooter, it's reasonable that we'd expect it this year. These things we know. The whole goddamn ridiculous rumor mill that Luke Smith (1up) started in his blog and finally Ryan Bowling (Sony) shut down about a KZ2 GDC appearance and demo, well it's become a stupidly large ordeal. Luke is allowed to make all the guesses and do all the rumor-mongering he wants as long as it's in his blog. That has nothing to do with his news reporting skills (that's another topic entirely, of which Tom is surely dying to tell you about). More importantly, every other website should have done their own research and gotten their own answers before writing stories that purple monkey dishwashered into what could be perceived as fact. Now everyone in the gaming media looks a jackass, and only have themselves to blame. Then again, perhaps the gamers are at fault for being the type of group that rewards bullshitting your way into a story just to feast on tiny nuggets of info that can further fuel an asinine console war. I'd love to talk about my expectations for the game and whether it could actually be good or compete whatsoever with Halo, etc., but that's apparently a discussion we're not even at yet. I hate everyone.

Just one more chance

2007-02-06T12:52:00.000-08:00

For the many G readers who do not actively follow or even play video games, this may come as a bit of a shock - Bungie is going to allow the world to play a pre-release version of Halo 3. Yes, a beta will be bestowed upon Microsoft's loyal subjects in just a few short months. And you doubt the existence of god. Clearly, a benevolent force greater than us does exist. We should gladly jump through any hoop Microsoft constructs, no matter how flaming it may be, to take part in this once in a lifetime event. Who wants to Play Beyond when they can just Jump Into Halo?

Microsoft has devised three plans, each more cunning than the last, to allow gamers a chance to put Halo 3 through its paces a tad early. Our first opportunity surfaced late last year. For one glorious 24 hour interval, MS opened a website to register prospective gamers. From this massive collection of eager Halo nuts a select few were tagged, the most randomly elite of the blindly chosen, to play this beta when it surfaces in a few months. The rest, the people who bought an Xbox 360 at launch, the people who slagged through Full Auto and Call of Duty 2 when nothing else was available, are left grinding their teeth for another day.

The hype had begun.

Two months later, Microsoft tapped gamers on the shoulder and reminded them that Halo is king. To bow before other games, or - wash your tongue! - other systems was to spit in the face of modern gaming conventions. During the first three days of February, Microsoft opened a door to the future by way of the past. "Remember your chosen hero!" MS bellowed, urging players to take part in a few more explosive rounds of the aged but still glowing Halo 2. People who missed out in the initial selection process still had a chance to play the Halo 3 beta. They just needed to log onto Xbox Live and play three hours of Halo 2. Just 180 minutes of Warthog stealing, sword swinging, grenade sticking action and they were guaranteed to have a chance to play the Halo 3 beta. A few more people were selected while the rest, the people who want Halo 3 more than sweet ice cream and fluffy puppies combined, were left to anxiously wait for the third and final round of selections.

Time is getting short. Two opportunities have come and gone. How will the remaining diehards, the people who have actually taken the time to read Halo-themed novels and are already holding tryouts for their Halo 3 clan, how will they be able to take part in the Halo 3 beta? These are the people, they would argue, who MS should want to be involved. This is a beta after all. Not some sleazy demo. You are a part of the development process. You will have a direct link to Bungie's ear. Rifle too powerful? Pink suit too girly? Man cannon too sexy? Tell Bungie. You have the power of a tester. If there was only some way to guarantee a place in the beta.

Lucky for you, you can buy your way in. No more suffering through cruel fate's twisted sense of humor. For $60, you can buy a place in gaming history. Oh yeah, you get a full copy of some other game as well. I think it's called Crackhouse or Caulkdown or something. Who cares about that? It's all about the Halo 3 beta.

Sadly, I will not be taking part in this cultural experiment. I do not like to be teased, prodding and taunted. I rarely play demos anyway. Demos may inform casual gamers what's coming out soon, but how does that help me? I know all about Lost Planet and Crackdown and all the other demos that hit the marketplace. I would rather play through one of the many games in my always growing backlog than waste time checking out a game I won't be able to fully enjoy for many months down the road. So, if the idea of a demo annoys me, and the only hoop one has to jump through to play that is both large and inviting, why would I bother with a stress-inducing beta?

Microsoft is placing all of their stock in Halo 3. It makes sense, since Halo is the most popular exclusive franchise in America, but I can smell the desperation from here. They are either ignoring their other titles completely or blatantly insulting them. Realtime Worlds spent three years developing Crackdown and it looks like a damn fine game, but the buzz surrounding it is all about the Halo 3 beta. Sure, MS is getting Crackdown into the homes of many more people, but at what cost? All of their attention is focused on Halo, the all mighty Halo, with the other titles shunned in some awful dank corner somewhere.

Microsoft's tunnel vision could lead to their downfall this generation. They have a plethora, a bonanza even, of quality games coming out, but everything without the big LO in it will be ignored. Look at last year's marketing debacle. Viva Pinata muscled its way into every relevant critics top 10 list, but it sold exactly 23 copies worldwide. Blood and chainsaw carnage may be all the rage, but why not promote a quality title in a genre that is not completely overdone? There is more to gaming than Halo. At some point, Microsoft will realize this.

New Games!

2007-02-05T17:58:00.000-08:00

Henry David Thoreau would puke if he saw my apartment. Still unopened boxes stacked atop other unopened boxes. A wooden chair floating aimlessly in my kitchen. The occasional scratch of a puppy trying to find freedom. But there are games. They aren't hooked up yet, but all my games, and all my systems, are surrounding me once more. And, for all you math fans, my gaming screen will be cubed in a few short hours. Gaming on a 3" screen for an entire month would blind an eagle. I'm not sure how I'll adjust to 27" of Lost Planet. I'm sure it will be pleasant, though. Oh, and one more note before I present the latest entries in gaming's expanding library - my last post, detailing the epic adventure Quiz and Dragons, was the 600th post in the history of this site. All you doubters who said we would never pass 599 were wrong. Dead wrong. On with the show!

Lunar Knights - Isn't there a law against false advertising? You would think this game would be awesome. Knights on the moon? Who wouldn't love that?

"Knave! Thou hast besmirched this fair maiden's name. I hereby banish thee to the Sea of Tranquility!"

I'm sorry, I can't even write about the real game now. This medieval venture on the moon just sounds like way too much fun to sully my head with thoughts of vampires and mindless combat. Though a question does come to mind: since there isn't any water on the moon, what would a king fill his moat with? Will I ever be able to come up with a substitute better than Space Water? Either way, someone should really make this game instead of the real Lunar Knights.

Final Fantasy VI - Square is in a very bad place. Not only did they run out of new ideas five years ago, but they are now blowing through all their old properties at an alarming rate. They just finished releasing two updated classics late last year. Final Fantasy III came out in November. Just 80 days ago they finally released the "real" Final Fantasy III and now, just when people are finally coming to terms with their crazy counting system, they release the version of Final Fantasy III that everyone grew up with. What is even more ridiculous is that Final Fantasy V, the prequel to FFVI that was actually released for the first time in America ten years after its predecessor, saw a GBA update of its own a mere 90 days ago. For those counting, that is three Final Fantasy ports in three very short months. They released FFI and II back in 2004 and FFIV in 2005. So they have now used up all of their classic titles. Looks like we're stuck with a never ending stream of Final Fantasy VII remakes and spin-offs until Square can come up with an original idea.

Diddy Kong Racing DS - Finally, a game that's actually worth talking about. The Nintendo 64 original is one of the finest examples of a mascot racer I have ever played. The only superior entry in the bloated genre is the game that started it all - Super Mario Kart. Until Nintendo gets an online version of the original running on their Virtual Console, kart fans will have to settle playing this saccharine-drenched offering. Unfortunately, this is merely an update to the original. But it does have a few new elements. Most importantly, you can race online. Early word is that six racers can compete (up from the four player battles in Mario Kart DS) and you can even use your microphones to communicate before racing begins. Not too shabby. For those who strive to be the next Picasso or Dali, you can even design your own courses. Unfortunately, good news is always followed by bad on this site. Rare has taken "advantage" of the many tools of the NDS. You actually have to blow on the microphone to start your hovercraft and scratch the touch screen to propel your kart. It seems like a horrendous idea, and it could potentially ruin the entire experience, but I am still hopeful. You'll have to tune in next week when I finally get my hands on this game. I'm crossing my fingers from now.

Another blast from the past: Capcom edition

2007-01-31T00:50:00.000-08:00

For the first time this year I actually have some good news. According to unconfirmed reports the movers are finally doing their job at some point today. No more sitting on the floor for me. I can now lay down in style on a coach made from the finest Egyptian cotton while I plow through Hotel Dusk. You didn't actually think I would switch over to a current generation console, did you? If there is one thing I learned from this horrible experience, it's that I am an old school gamer at heart. Give me a good NDS game over any of the current crop of generic first person shooters. You know what's even better than an old school game on a new age handheld? A vintage classic culled from the depths of some forgotten archive in the sky. If you loved my column on Dungeon Explorer, get ready for a whole new set of love spewed on games you've most likely never heard of and definitely haven't played. Say hello to Capcom's Classics Collection Volume 2. Clearly, they saved the real gems for the second installment.

Apparently, before Clover ever existed, before Resident Evil spun off into a dinosaur-crazed space opera, even before Street Fighter grew stale, Capcom was the leader in generic hack 'n slash adventures. You may remember Final Fight, the game that introduced Mike Haggar and his spinning fists to the unprepared world, but Capcom did not stop with that. If you consider Final Fight "old school" Capcom has three words for you: The Dark Ages. That's right, before dinosaurs roamed the Earth, King Arthur and his two most loyal knights were kicking butt all over England. Knights of the Round is a simplified version of one of the least thought provoking genres around, but it is still darn fun. And it's historically accurate. Thomas Malory, the foremost scholar of all things Arthur, chronicled his many battles against the legendary Tigers of England (why do you think the big cats are only found out East now?) as well as his arch nemesis: Tall Man. As Arthur's power grew so too did the variety of enemies he would face. It takes a certain amount of infamy to face the wrath of Mask Man. These and other enemies are all in Knights of the Round. As long as you aren't stuck with Sir "I am a lover not a fighter" Lancelot, you'll have a blast in this game.

And now I seamlessly segue into a classic you most certainly have never heard of: Three Wonders. This is even better than KotR. Why, you ask? Because it has three games in it, that's why. Now, I didn't actually play the third game in the set (a cooperative platformer) but Brendan and I not only played the other two, we finished them. I can say, with full certainty, that we are currently the only people in the world who could be considered masters in this fine game. One of the games is an ordinary side scrolling shooter. It plays like R Type, with a variety of weapons you constantly upgrade while defeating the forces of evil. It did use some rather, ahem, erotic imagery later in the game, but that is neither here nor there. It certainly won't be mentioned again on this site. Aside from the questionable material, it does one thing exceedingly well in an otherwise forgettable shooter: it lets you screw over your friend. Any co-op game where you can not only place knives in your good friend's back but right in his face as well, with a loud warning of what's coming, has to be fun, right? In this, you can steal your friend's power ups as soon as he dies. As the game is set on free play, meaning no amount of dying will keep you from battling the hideous end boss, the only real strategy comes from staying alive longer than your friend. When he dies, you reap the rewards. It's a life lesson. Another life lesson? I can't be trusted.

The other game in this three pack may not fit into the overall story arc, but is ridiculously fun in its own right. It's a single screen game in which you slide blocks into enemies. Seems simple, and it is, but it has one of the best names ever. Ready? It's called Don't Pull. Get it? Because you can only push the blocks! Oh man, that's great. There is also a secret power up that only professional Don't Pull players such as Brendan and I know about. But I'll let you in on the secret right here. Each level has three heart blocks. Sure, you can push them into enemies if you like. It's a crass but effective way of finished them off. But if you can somehow line up the three blocks, well, the fun begins. The game stops and enticing letters fill the screen. "Let's Dance!" the game commands. When you resume, the music has shifted to a funky beat and all the characters, from fire-breathing dragons to spineless slimes, are doing a jig. Pure entertainment. I almost felt bad squashing their quaking bodies and feasting on the protein rich food inside.

We only spent significant time with one more game on the collection, but I can say with full certainty that it is the best of the bunch. If you think Don't Pull is the perfect name for fun, check out this one: Quiz and Dragons. Makes you want to go back in time and market the hell out of this, right? Just think how different the world would be if Reign of Fire never existed while a medieval version of Jeopardy was taking over the Nielsens. For you see, much like Knights of the Round revealed the truth of England's fabled hero, Quiz and Dragons shows, without a doubt, that dragons didn't eat and char their victims. Rather, they tried to stump them with obscure 1970s television trivia. How about that? This is the only video rip-off of Trivial Pursuit that is actually worth playing. This game is undeniably fun. Your character - Wizard, Fighter, Amazon or Ninja - moves around on tiles as if you were playing a real board game. Instead of colors, which are boring at best, you land on extinct creatures. And there are more than just Dragons. You "fight" Magic Swords, Inn Keepers, Witches and even a Golem. And they all threaten you with knowledge. Oh, if only all wars could be fought on the dewy planes of the neo cortex.

I may have only played three games in this collection, but I can recommend this game, Capcom's Classics Collection Volume 2, to anyone who would rather have some fun than shake their arm like a fool or blow up Nazis for the three hundredth time. If you are ridiculously hardcore, you can unlock a Capcom-themed version of Quiz and Dragons. Mundane questions about the Cold War and long dead French authors have been replaced with extraordinary minutia from Capcom's extensive past. Can you name the Street Fighter character whose roundhouse kick is not a slide? Or the color suit Mega Man wears after defeating Crash Man? Better start studying.

Ten Minute Post

2007-01-26T15:43:00.000-08:00

It's the damnedest thing: I finally have a computer complete with an ultra modern internet connection in my very own home. Don't be alarmed - the movers have still not completed the task they were hired to do more than twenty four days ago. They are still in Las Vegas, with all of my material possessions. It's the little things you start to miss. I long to throw some trash into my old 49ers garbage can I fear I will never see again. I've also grown tired of drinking from an old Taco Bell cup. I require elegant crystal! Thankfully, the items filling my apartment are not all refuse. One of the useful items, a laptop donated to me by a longtime G reader, has been most kind in delivering the kind of services I expect from a computer. Namely, I have finally had the pleasure of going online from the comfort of my new abode. However, and here's where the "damnedest thing" I mentioned at the start of this paragraph comes into play, I can't access my email. Sadly, Gmail is tied into my Blogger account which means I cannot check my email, send out my resume, nor update my website. The world continues to weep for the pain I am going through. Does the term "Punitive Damages" make anyone else smile?

I have still been spending hours of my time cradling my precious Nintendo DS. After finishing Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime last week, I was momentarily left without a single game to call my own. I nearly cried from boredom. I raced to my local EB Games, a place so heinous I will now spit whenever its distasteful words leave my mouth, to fill the huge void the completion of DQH:RS had left in me. I raced there the day Phoenix Wright: Justice for All came out, a game I have been anticipated since the last entry made me realize why so many people yearn for the glory days when adventure games roamed the gaming landscape like Raptors on trained T Rexes. I said, "Can I have a copy of that great new lawyer game?" "Did you preorder?" the hippie bastard asked?

Can you believe we live in a world where there is only one major retail chain that specializes in video games, and yet they do not even stock new releases the day they are made available to the starving masses? Can you imagine if every movie theater required an advanced ticket purchase to see a new release within the first week? Or, in a world where people actually bought CDs, people were forced to wait a week to listen to their favorite artist if they didn't slap down $5 a few months in advance?

I called EB Games the day PW:JfA shipped. I wanted to clarify the release date and make sure they were getting copies. I was urged to put money down in order to secure a copy the next day. As if, twenty hours before release, they had not actually ordered copies yet. I was so desperate for a new NDS game at that time I actually would have put down $5 to make sure I got a copy as soon as possible. But it would have been quite the inconvenience. At the time, I did not have my car yet. I could have walked 2.7 miles into the city and then walked all the way home. I could have taken a train. I could have spent a lot of time walking or $3 riding the train to reserve a copy. But that would have been completely ridiculous. Why should I have to go through this trouble? Why is it so hard for a video game retailer, who sells nothing but video games and video game accessories, to stock new games? And why, if you insist on collecting people's hard-earned money to fill your god awful preorder quotas, would you refuse to take a credit card order over the phone?

I understand EB Games' philosophy, but that just makes me more angry. They do not care one iota about pleasing the customer. They don't make much money off of new game purchases. If they are really lucky, they'll take in $1 on a $60 game. So, they don't want you to buy new games. They want you to buy used games. They want you to purchase the games they have bought from desperate consumers who were all too happy to receive $7 for a game they had grown tired of. EB Games marks the title up to $30 and is just praying you'll plunk down a $23 profit for their salivating pockets. Why would they go out of their way to get the newest titles when they have so much more to gain from used ones? If you want to secure a new game, you have to give them money, interest free money, so they will be kind enough to order one for you on the day of release. Why would I do this? It would be easier for me to just use Amazon.com, not have my credit card charged until the game is in my possession, and not have to put up with backasswards business policies.

I ended up buying a copy of Yoshi's Island DS, priced $5 higher than anywhere else, because I was so desperate to have a new game. It honestly caused me pain to hand over my money to them. I would like to start a boycott of EB Games, but they are simply not worth the effort. Anyone with half a brain will realize their anti-consumer actions can be avoided by frequenting less hostile stores. However, EB Games is no longer getting a cent of my money. They are a greedy, heartless corporation that can go the way of those dinosaurs no one thinks about anymore. You know, the ones that are smaller than a chicken. Bah, who needs tiny dinosaurs anyway?

I have a Crush.

2007-01-23T23:44:00.000-08:00

Bear with me, I'm excited.

For all of Sega's grievous crimes against mankind since their inception as a software-only company, they still manage to get lucky and publish the odd gem once in a while. Crush, announced today and developed by Kuju (Reign of Fire, Battalion Wars, Weird Gory Bobblehead Game) intrigues me in such a way usually reserved for Turduckens and the golden ratio. When it comes down to it my favorite genre is puzzle games, by a landslide - it's just not something I usually bore people with. Crush is a puzzle/platformer of sorts (think Intelligent Qube meets the aesthetic of Psychonauts), whose primary game mechanic involves transforming the world around you back and forth from 2D to 3D.

I'll let Scott Steinberg, Sega's head mouthpiece, describe it to you:
"The spatial concept of the crushing mechanic is something truly unique that encourages users to think back and forth between 3D and 2D objects and environments to engage different parts of their brain, and see beyond what is literally in front them."

Now have a look:

Pretty fantastic, right? Right now it's only for the PSP, so I won't be able to play it until I rob Brenda...I mean, not rob Brendan. Definitely not robbing Brendan. Now that we're done talking about robbing Brendan, I can tell you that this is exactly the type of thing I'm expecting from the Wii. Imagine the same game, where the Wiimote controls your character movements and the nunchuck shifts the world between dimensional planes as you tilt it in your hand. PSP to Wii ports aren't something I should be actively encouraging, I know, I'm just saying this is exactly the kind of out of the box thinking we need on a system that is built on that philosophy. Someone suggested on GAF long ago that Mario Galaxy should involve manipulating the world around Mario instead of the character himself; I thought that was a brilliant concept, and while I'm excited for the actual game I fear it will ultimately do no more than prove platformers can be done pitch perfect on the Wii.

I am indeed excited about Super Paper Mario now that we know it's coming to the system in April, but that still doesn't seem half as innovative as this - when you're attached firmly to an existing property, you can only stray so far from the initial concept. Crush is a bit more bland visually, but had my mind reeling with possibilities by the end of the trailer. Kuju aren't really known for any sort of consistency (outside of producing three equally horrendous PS2 games with the word "fire" in the title), but this immediately excites me about their future.

See how that works, everyone in the industry? Small team, small budget (I would sensibly imagine), one very big idea - and I'm looking forward to it more than toast tomorrow.

Seaman 2?

2007-01-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if a sequel to Seaman is the thing you crave most in life. Ok, I can understand the few people who love the absolute power Seaman brings. But let me ask this: how many people would want the star of the original, a human/fish creature from parts unknown, unceremoniously taken away? How many want that cranky bastard to be replaced by a nearly naked caveman? Anyone? I imagine Sega conducted the same poll, got the same results (three people want a new Seaman, none of them like the idea of ordering a hairy caveman around) and then, as Sega seems to do, they decided to spend a lot of money developing a game no one will play. Oh Sega, what happened to you?

The original Seaman was actually pretty cool. Sadly, along with everything else on the Dreamcast, it has gotten kind of stale. Basically, you play god to this horrible little fish being. As the game begins, you have to go through the painstaking process of growing the little fishman from egg to maturity. It either takes two real life days or two real life weeks (I forget which) to get a fully functioning creature, which is one of the all time great butt pains in gaming. It's like playing B-17 Bomber on the Intellivision. You have to wait a good 20 minutes before you can actually start flying the plane. Don't we play games for instant gratification?

Anyway, after you have a living Seaman, you can mess with him until you get bored. Deprive him of food to make him cranky, swear at him with the attached microphone or just ignore him and make him rot in his isolated hell. It's a fun game to mess around with, but not deep enough to replace an actual pet. But at least the main character was cool. Who wants to order around a stupid Caveman? You will be in constant fear of accidentally seeing his unevolved wang. That's not entertainment.

This is just another baffling decision from Sega. Since it's coming out the on the PS2 (I think...) they'll at least sell a few hundred copies for the sheer novelty of playing this game. Sadly, only the reviewers will actually spend significant time with it. Oh, how I pity their bleak existence. I have no problem with Sega reviving older franchises, but it seems like they have a knack for very poor implementation. They either use the wrong main character (Shadow the Hedgehog), make it for the wrong platform (Panzer Dragoon Orta on the Xbox) or decide to make an unplayable spin-off (Virtua Quest). If you're going to make sequels to long forgotten games, Sega, don't include a friggin' naked caveman!

My first Dragon Quest

2007-01-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

I have almost nothing in my brand new apartment. No pans with which to cook. Not one picture of my dog trying to use the barbecue. Not even a television to watch. My internet access is limited to one hour a day in which I have to quickly read my email, apply for jobs, and find out how my depressing Pacers are doing. So how have I been spending my days? Playing my Nintendo DS, of course. Gamefly was kind enough to send Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime to my old home in Libertyville mere days before I moved, and I have been enjoying its companionship ever since. Is it a great game? No, not even close. If you want to get a taste of what my life is currently like, isolate yourself from all your possessions, remove the car you so rely on, and lock yourself in a room with this game. You may hate it at first. You may curse it for damning you to a hell you didn't deserve. But, as your only silicon companion, you will learn to love it like its Chrono Trigger's long lost cousin.

It is unfair for me to judge the entire Dragon Quest series based on one spin-off game which does not resemble the classic gameplay found in the eight main adventures in the slightest. Some people, from some far off place where even the likes of Oblivion are considered RPGs, may peg DQH:RS in the same category. But those people would be wrong. This plays more like a simplified Zelda than anything else. The combat is real time, the story is practically non-existent, and the main draw is collecting every last items and monster that populate the land. In other words, if you are trapped in a technology free world, you will relish the shockingly high level of collecting this game requires.

The story is very simple: the Plogs, an evil breed of Platypuses, are trying to destroy the peaceful kingdom of Slimeania. The names may not be accurate, but they are close enough, right? I mean, how many people have even played this game? So these evil duck-billed creatures have captured every Slime in the village, except for your hero and mine: Rocket. So you have to rescue them all, while learning the true motive of the evil Platypus boss. I could tell you the "twist" if you want. It won't ruin the experience at all. Like I said, the plot is almost completely absent. If you don't want to know the evil motives, just skip to the next paragraph. Here I go: Don Platypus wants to steal the precious Warrior's Flute from the Slimes in order to impress a fine, young celebrity. Clearly, the game doesn't take itself too seriously.

The above spoiler mentioned a magic flute, and that flute is what drives the most entertaining gameplay aspect of Rocket Slime. You, as the chosen hero, blow on the flute to call your Battle Tank! Weeee! Who doesn't love battle tanks? The game has about 30 one-on-one battles with evil tanks, in which you easily whack them into submission. It's actually really fun. You have two different cannons: one fires at an upward angle, the other straight ahead. There are various weapon dispersing pipes throughout the tank, where the items you have collecting throughout your adventure fall from some mysterious place. You grab as many as you can - three - and fire them at the enemy. If two items collide, they fall harmlessly to the ground. When their health reaches zero, you storm the tank. Either walk lamely across the ground or fire yourself into their base. Then you travel to the center of the tank and destroy their heart (literally) with one fatal blow. It may be easy, but it is really fun.

The rest of the game has you traveling through various worlds trying to round up the rest of the Slimevillian's. Every level has carts that deliver goods back to town. So, when you defeat an enemy or find a bomb, you can toss it on the cart and make god use of it later. As I already mentioned, the items are used in tank combat. The enemies can be used as assistants in battles. Collect 30 of the same species and you can command them in a tank battle. It adds a nice little element and provides so reason to collect as many enemies as you can.

Not surprisingly, the gameplay is really simple as well. You are a slime. You hop around the level because you have no legs. If you see an enemy or item, you hold down "A" and stretch yourself in the direction you wish to fling. Hit something important and it will pop into the air. If you catch it, you can toss it at another foe or on a nearby cart. You don't learn any new moves through the game, so the gameplay never evolves from the first stage. I still spent more than 20 hours playing it, though. I was clearly desperate.

Thankfully, the game doesn't take itself seriously. All the tanks you fight come equipped with a silly name and a pun description. Who doesn't like puns? Sadly, I only remember one, but it's the best in the game. The tank is called DQ Swords. The description: The Revolution is coming! Weeee!

Now that's comedy! DQ Swords is, of course, the upcoming DQ spin-off for the Wii. Come on, you know that's great. Well, you would if you had no TV or internet to occupy your time.

And so ends today's update. If you find a grammatical quirk or slight spelling error, please be kind. I do not have the ability to go online later and update the post. The library may seem kind, but they allow a mere one hour of internet time a day. Cavemen use the internet longer than that.

Library sponsored quickie: Dungeon Explorer

2007-01-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

Not only has Brendan offered me his home and access to a television that seems to relish in displaying my precious football almost constantly, he has handed me his fabled Wiimote as well. And, with him donning a fighter's armor by my side, we have ventured forth in the Turbo Graphix 16 classic Dungeon Explorer. Don't look ashamed if you had never heard those word muttered in succession before. I know I haven't heard of half the TG-16 games that have graced the Virtual Console. But I can say, with full honesty, that DE is an absolute blast.

Though Hudson would have you believe this is a Zelda clone, in reality, it is a "modern" update to Gauntlet. And, though the TG-16 came equipped with only one controller port, it actively allows FIVE people to join in the fun. In essence, take Gauntlet, add one more controllable character, touch the graphics up slightly, include one completely pointless overworld and you have Dungeon Explorer. In other words, what's not to like?

The game does tease you with the available character types, though. You have something like eight different archetypes to choose from, but they are all pretty much identical. The only thing that seems to change is the amount of health you begin with. Clearly, it was a bad idea for me to venture forth with a Bard as my avatar. He was dead after merely spying a spider resting in the grass. Since then, I have juggled between a Bishop (who uses the Word of God to destroy evil), Elf, Gnome, and even a Warlock. All the while, Brendan and his Fighter laugh as he vanquishes another worm hole. Oh, to one day be a Fighter.

At $6, there is no reason you shouldn't download this game. If not for the extreme incompetence of Five Star Moving and Storage, whose delay in delivering my toys will soon reach Judicial levels, I would have my Wii right now along with the two Wiimotes I own. Playing Dungeon Explorer with two people may be the most fun I've had on the Wii thus far (excluding Zelda of course) but four player adventuring could give most any game a run for its money. There is something to be said for focused, old-school gameplay. It may not have the flash and thrills of modern games and the instruction booklet is so sparse I can't figure out the difference between a Bishop and a Warlock (irony!), but they are just as fun as gaming gets. I look forward to finally playing Lost Planet and Crackdown, but I won't leave the classics far from reach.

Don't say I didn't warn you

2007-01-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

Games games games. Haven't really been playing them. There are few things better in life, and I've been enjoying them while I can. That, and planning a hectic cross-country move like the one Tom apparently just completed. Yes, I'll be living significantly closer to the City of Games in about two weeks, and I'll be a solid step closer to being paid for this crazy ol' lifestyle. I'll do my best to catch you up on the gaming I've accomplished in the last month, but I warn you it's not pretty:

Call of Duty 3 - Yes, for all my bitching about Activision (which is well-founded, don't get me wrong) I still play their games from time to time. I would condemn myself to hell if I bought the game, but I figured a rental to play the game through on Veteran difficulty with my buddy Matt (whom I played through the second game with) was a sound investment. Well, now he's gone back to school, I'm on chapter 10 of 14, and I just can't imagine this game will get finished. Without someone to pass the controller to when that Nazi pops around the corner and shoots you in your French face for the 37th time, it's just too frustrating an experience. Well, it's frustrating either way on Veteran, but not being alone in your endeavor at least makes the sadistic achievements that can be gleaned not quite so soul-crushing. What of the game? It looks great (even after Gears of War), it has a decent amount of small improvements over CoD2, and as long as you're not expecting any innovation whatsoever, it can be a very fun, rewarding shooter.

Point Blank DS - Weird, huh? Couldn't pass it up for $10 at TRU, and I'm glad I didn't. Because it's Point Blank. On a DS. It's exactly what you'd expect: tapping the screen like Michael J. Fox with a jackhammer. There isn't much of a learning curve to the difficulties since you're probably about as good at tapping accurately at this point in your life as you'll ever be, but it's somehow still fun having a minor panic attack only to come in two targets short of the goal.

XBL Arcade - Yup, back to Hexic. Broke a million finally. And...*shudder*...Zuma. It's so, so lame, such a fundamentally unentertaining game, and yet I must finish it for the achievement, and so I never have to touch it again. I've had buyers remorse since the moment I clicked 'purchase', but I won't feel quite so bad if it's been bested. Also still trying to get that last par time in Marble Blast Ultra, and wrap up the Assault Heroes achievements. The Arcade is where I find myself more often than not when I sit down to play these days, and with Alien Hominid, Worms HD and Symphony of the Night coming down the pipeline relatively soon that time can only increase.

New games you say? Yeah, I'll go rent Lost Planet when I finally get the time to play a real game, no rush. I want to go pick up Wario Ware Smooth Moves today (and probably will), but I still have to finish Elebits. My Wii hasn't been touched in weeks, and it's not my fault. See you soon?

Lost Planet: Extreme Party

2007-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

I've always wondered what the difference was between Very Important People and merely Important People. Last night, I finally found out. Using the wonders of the internet and this revolutionary bridge technology (which allows people to drive over a massive body of water!) I was able to worm my way into the Official American Lost Planet: Extreme Condition Launch Party. Even though only the most elite members of the general public were on hand, the promoters thought further segregation was required. While I was enjoying the bountiful spread of food along with a rock-climbing wall of the lower level, my eyes kept drifting towards the forbidden VIP room. If we have an honest to goodness Lego God mixing with the Important People, what could possibly be on the second floor?

Alcohol.

Seems VIPs are very similar to you and I, they just need a magic liquid to make their lives manageable. I was mistakenly forced into the VIP room when a guard thought my Blackberry energy drink was comprised of conscience-disarming alcohol. He forced me "back" into the room, where I found fewer light bulbs, only a couple TVs displaying the game we were supposedly all there to play, and lots of bars overflowing with free booze. After making sure none of the people lounging in their dark stupor were actually important, I left just as casually as I had entered. To think that I had pined for that room when the real show was down below.

I had arrived on the surprisingly cold streets of San Francisco three hours before the doors opened. Unfortunately, the line was already many shivering bodies deep. I actually waited outside for three hours, discussing the vagaries of the industry with a couple guys in front of me whose website I cannot remember. Little did I know then that I would spend more time waiting in line outside than hanging out inside.

Once inside I was immediately engulfed in a wall of fog. I would have taken a picture, but, you know, it's fog. Capcom must have gotten fog machines on the cheap years ago and now felt the need to use them at every event. As people in front of me coughed a path through the haze, I came to a table. Bethany and I decided to enter the tournament having never played the game. Stupidly, we thought the matches would be team based and, if we wormed into the right crowd, we would be handed a barrel full of swag we did not rightfully earn. But we would have to wait a half hour to find out where we stood in the world of competitive Lost Planet tournaments.

From the multiplayer registration tournament we made our way, through more fog, to the food table. I actually looked around for a price list or cashier before I realized they were just giving me free food. And it was good food too. A feast provided by Wolfgang Puck. I loaded my plate with beef and chicken, grabbed a green flavored Monster energy drink and found a quiet seat on a bench in front of a new copy of Lost Planet. I wanted to eat but Bethany thought it her duty to learn the game whose tournament she would soon be entering. Needless to say, I should have spent some time learning the controls and Bethany should have spent some time learning how to use that tricky right analog stick.

From our brief foray to the icy planet, we decided to roam the showfloor. Through the fog, on the other side of the room, we spied an inflatable rock-climbing wall. It was small, only 15 feet high, but it sure did look tempting. It would have been more like Lost Planet had they given us grappling hooks, but my manly man arms were all the tools I needed to rise to the top. I ascended the mountain with so much grace, you would have thought I was an otter sliding down a water slide. The silence I heard when I had reached the top and looked down was of the quiet awe reserved for sculptors and hand models. Bethany, of course, made my rise look clunky as she leaped up like a cat on speed. Five minutes later, we had conquered the fabled beast.

Now, would you like to hear a bit about the actual game? I haven't played any of the demos available on Live since I knew Gamefly would send it to me soon after release. Demos are such a tease. I figured I could hold my own in any shooter, though. I thought wrong. I at least had some fun with the organizers before the match. After everyone had joined the match, the server crashed. I took advantage of the situation and set up my own room. They wanted us to play "Elimination," an every man for himself deathmatch. I made my own Team Elimination room and watched with glee as everyone flocked to it. When it was all set, all 16 seats filled, the organizer realized what I had done. He forced us to quit so they could make a lame ass game of their own. Boring!

I never figured out how to kill people in the game. I was good with the rocket launcher and grenades, but couldn't get one kill with a normal gun. It was really fun, though. I loved grappling onto walls when an enemy would approach, fleeing the scene like a scared cougar. It's easier to stay alive if you actively avoid people with guns. At one point, I was ranked sixth overall. And then I started dying, over and over, until I ended up at 12. Pretty lousy, I'm aware, but I was playing with people who have been honing their skills for months. I am not ashamed.

After the match, Bethany and I just strolled around for a bit. A man was building a Lost Planet character with Lego blocks. There were ice blocks filled with computer equipment. I guess it was art. And there was a line of people still trying to get inside. Bethany and I left about 90 minutes after the show started. It may not have been the greatest thing ever, but it was certainly worth moving all the way across the country to attend.

This one is for the Freqs

2007-01-07T18:39:00.000-08:00

Oh that Sony. I'm really not pleased about this. Apparently Harmonix suggested a PSP sequel to Frequency/Amplitude, and Sony shot them down. As Tom and I have tried to communicate DOZENS of times before, Amplitude is a far superior, deeper game than their vastly more successful Guitar Hero, and I know we're not the only ones who would welcome a sequel with open arms. Sony also canceled Traxion, another music game headed to the PSP (from LucasArts). I shouldn't care since I don't even own the system anymore, but that's perhaps the most frustrating part of all; it's a great piece of hardware with so much potential, and not a single game I'm looking forward to playing. Knowing that Sony is actively discouraging any game development on the system, especially a sequel to one of their very best franchises, is simply frustrating.

Elebits: The Quest for Too Much Power

2007-01-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

I don't think I am naive to the moving process. I knew it would require a lot of work, and some careful planning, to orchestrate a cross country move in just a couple weeks. So far, my move has been a glowing success. The arrangements have been made, boxes have been packed and shipped, and I am merely waiting for the airplane to take off in 60 hours. However, in all my deliberations, I forgot one very important thing - I need video games. Every system I have owned and loved is packed in a dark box in some strange man's truck. The games that I have spent a Netherlander's life time to amass are serving as mere cushions right now, ensuring my precious system make the journey in one piece. And here I am, typing in a barren living room, wishing I had left just one system behind. I should rephrase that - one system with game. My Nintendo DS is sitting right behind me, although it has only the custom made piece of white plastic occupying the cartridge slot. Oh Gamefly, how could you take so long to ship Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime when I am in need?

I must use my recollection of past gaming achievements to fill the void. On Sunday night, while the world Auld Lang'd another new year, I was leafing through books I haven't seen in half a decade, trying to decide if they were worthy of making the move with me. Time was short, I had plenty of boxes that needed filling, but I had a plan. When everything was nestled away and all that was left was the interminable wait, I would have a precious moment of respite. The last boss of Elebits was still waiting to be conquered. My room was completely empty save a TV and a Wii. What a way to ring in the New Year.

Elebits is a really difficult game for me to judge. For once in my green-eyed life, I do not envy the reviewer asked to score this game. It's a fun game on a brand new system. The mechanics for the Wii are completely ridiculous for people who grew up swinging on vines on the Intellivision. Why would I want to move my arm, physically whip the thing around, when the D-Pad has served so valiantly all these years? Times change and Nintendo has traipsed around the world looking for a more athletic gamer. To review Elebits is to review the Nintendo Wii itself. How well does this capture the experience, the "playing is believing" feel, Nintendo has strived so hard to achieve? Is this truly Wii software, or just an early piece of new gen crap that will join the ranks of Kessen in the years to come? I have no idea how valiantly Elebits shows off the mechanics of the Wii, but I do know this - Elebits is a fun game, deeper than I had imagined, that loses its charm much too early in the adventure.

Elebits is the free-swinging, spiritual successor to Katamari Damacy. Now, if you have listened to our most recent podcast, you would know that I hold Katamari Damacy in very high regard. I said on that show that Katamari Damacy has risen above every other exclusive PS2 game. It is the best title on the system. Based on its accessibility, great music, immediately fun gameplay and a play style that cannot be significantly improved upon, I think Katamari Damacy will still be loved and talked about a decade from now. It is a real classic, on par with the likes of Mega Man 2 and Lemmings. It is a niche title that has somehow reached mass appeal. In other words, it is everything Nintendo is trying to achieve with the Wii. It is everything Konami is trying to be with Elebits. But Elebits doesn't even come close to Katamari Damacy.

The Elebits themselves are cute enough to make you take notice while remaining mysterious enough to force you to concoct horrible stories about their horrific lives. For the instance, though the story goes into excruciating detail about the main character's relationship with his neglectful parents, it never bothers to explain how these little bastards function. Are they such a powerful force of electricity that, when positioned near a light or vacuum cleaner, they exude watts though their pastel skin? If this is true, do they supply an indefinite source of power? Do they eat a slice of bread to produce more energy? Or is the human use for the helpless Elebits much more sinister? Do we mash them in machines, crushing them into a thin pulp, and pour their stolen energy out in liquid form? Do we keep them in cages, pin-cushioned with energy-drained electrodes, forced to feed and fuck until their life has been completely transferred to our clocks and automated toilet paper spinners? Are we enslaving these aliens, forcing them to toil for our entertainment? Why don't we just use the decomposed bones of dinosaurs and long dead plants like everyone else? Why must we torture an entire species? And why do we feign surprise when they begin to hide from us, form rebellious groups, and eventually fight us? We are the oppressors! Yet somehow, the game is urging us to squash their rebellious uprising. With Konami teaching us that slavery is ok if it benefits the strong and Activision showing us that war is nothing but a mild, bloodless game, I am not looking forward to the eventual adulthood of children weaned on such dirty propaganda.

But I digress.

Katamari Damacy makes this game look like pig puke for a much different, non-political reason. Both games are about building your power to interact with increasingly more complex objects. In Katamari, you grow in size to engulf bulls, buildings and eventually islands. In Elebits, you go from struggling to lift a mere microwave to easily raising a building over your head. Both games are about the acquisition of power, but Elebits fails in one very important facet - it is not really fun to get more powerful. As the game progresses and the world gets larger and more complex, the game declines in fun. It is a blast in the early going, when the world is merely a room in the house, and you are trying desperately to move a table. It is not nearly as fun to be out on the town, tossing lampposts aside like so much cat poop, as you lackadaisically capture an entire family of Elebits. The game morphs from a nerve racking game of hide-and-seek to a monstrous hunt to find the Elebits. Believe me, the metamorphosis sucks the fun clean off the disc itself. You can no longer hide behind ignorance in the later stages. The excuse of "aw, I though we was just playing" is no longer applicable when tossing giant skyscrapers aside in your bloodthirsty quest for more power! Any semblance of strategy and skill is actually lost in the later stages, spitting in the face of popular video game convention. Remember how Katamari Damacy kept building? The last level was clearly the most fun. You started out smaller than a grapefruit but grew to a god eating mass of future star dust. There is no such progress in Elebits. By the end of the last stage, when I was tossing buildings aside with no problem, I found myself staring blissfully at the game clock, urging it to count down faster so I could just get on with my day.

What Elebits does is show the world that Wii games can be fun. You actually will have fun pointing at the screen. But that is all Elebits will offer. Elebits is a few hours of fun followed by many tedious hours going through the motions. Katamari Damacy was filled with charm and wit. Elebits is a soulless tech demo. If you expect the revolution to appear on my TV, I need more than a simple diversion.

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 2, Episode 11

2006-12-28T19:48:00.000-08:00

Check out our ENORMOUS (1:47 - yikes!) year-end extravaganza! Our 'Best of 2006' lists, the PS2's turn in the third part of our 'End of a Generation' countdown, what we've been playing and all sorts of other things you'll probably stop listening to after the 1-hour mark!

Download link.

(Or better yet, use the iTunes subscription link near the top of the page and review us!)

Castlevania is a portrait of ruin

2006-12-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

Metroidvania has officially run its course. I thought the formula was so simplistic that every game that fell within its stronghold would, at worst, turn out to be really fun. Symphony of the Night was the first game to use this approach. It is structured exactly like Metroid: an open world where you only need the appropriate item to get to the next section. SotN actually expanded upon Metroid's structure by adding those oh so tasty RPG elements. You can level up as you backtrack through the world, and even collect items from fallen foes. It was a match made in heaven. And that simple formula was able to continue unchanged for almost a decade. It's not quite so fun anymore, though. The only way to describe this obsolete series is to use a term the kids grew tired of about three years ago - Metroidvania has jumped the shark.

I should have known this game was going to be garbage. It is a yearly update after all, the very thing I preach against. Dawn of Sorrow had just come out last November. I had dutifully played more than twenty hours, tediously collecting all the souls to make my evil venture complete. It was a great game in my mind. One of the deepest games I had experienced on the NDS. And I did not imagine a developer would ever be able to mess it up. But Konami has done just. Portrait of Ruin is almost indistinguishable from DoS. It is almost the same game as Circle of the Moon as well. And Symphony? You guessed it: same game. I can't imagine I would be able to enjoy even SotN at this point. These are all the same fucking game!

All of these games feature the same tired play mechanic, although they use a different name to describe it. In SotN, you get weapons from vanquished foes. Each enemy has a specific weapon they leave when they are gone. So, you have to kill the same bad guy over and over until you can fill another spot in your slowly growing arsenal. In DoS, enemies leave their souls instead. These act as weapons, giving you new attacks, but they take the form of glowing balls of light instead of axes or lances. Same concept, though: kill the same enemy until he gives you all that he has. In PoR, you can get a special attack from the filth you exterminate. It may not be called a weapon, but it is used to kill. It may not be a soul, but it is a ball of light. This is the basic play mechanic of every game in the series, and, quite frankly, it has become awfully tired.

To make matters worse, the level design has an autistic zeal to it that would make pregnant mothers faint. Metroid suffers from the same tired ideas. Is that door way up there too high for you to reach? Come back when you can double jump! Most of the time, when you are given a new ability, you don't even have to seek out the obstacle you can now conquer. As soon as you are able to turn into a bat, there is a long tunnel above you that needs to be investigated. You think I should try it out? If you are stuck, you can just take a quick peak at the map. If you see a room where you couldn't explore all the way to the ceiling before, just teleport down there and fly around. There is no need to explore because the game has carefully laid out the easiest path through the castle. You just need to read maps with the expertise of Rand McNally's dog to figure out where to go next.

When I was halfway through this game last week, I was going to recommend picking this up for $20 someday. I rescind that recommendation. If you need a new game, just pick up a used copy of any of the preceding Castlevania titles. They're all the same anyway. Don't raise the sale figures of PoR any higher. Konami must know that people are tired of yearly sequels. This is as bad as Call of Duty, Need for Speed and all those other games I rail against. It is bland, and boring, and it is turning into a rather transparent cash cow. Take a year or two off and make something worthy of the Castlevania name.

You may thing I am being overly harsh. You may drift over to Game Rankings, see that Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin has a rating in the mid-80s, and once again ignore my opinion. I may be just one lone voice in the vast sea of the internet, but I'm the only one who apparently isn't scared to speak the truth. When big companies release a game, they need only make the graphics on par with other titles in the genre while making sure the controls respond adequately. That is the formula to getting an 8 out of 10 in this industry. That does not mean games such as C:PoR should be supported. It is the epitome of the uninspired crap that is really hurting this industry. Do you really believe Konami will rework this tired series if review scores stay as high as they are? Do yourself a favor and pick up a game worthy of your time and money. Castlevania fans deserve much better than this rehash.

Tis the season

2006-12-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a similar gift guide for the industry, but 1UP did it so well I figured I'd just link to them:

Naughty or Nice: Presents for the Games Industry from 1UP.com

Happy Holidays to all from The G (and you can all go to hell for having presents to open tomorrow morning while I solemnly spin a Dreidel in the corner).

I wish I was a Dude with an Attitude

2006-12-22T19:15:00.000-08:00

In just one short month of owning Nintendo's revolutionary new system, I have taken it out of the house four times. Two of those times were during Thanksgiving, where the casual and non-gamers broke out of whatever holes these people reside to experience the joy of swinging their arms. Complete success, just like Nintendo had predicted. The other two times I showed off my Wii, to genuine fans of video games, the response was less enthusiastic. An hour or two of trying to coax fun out of Elebits and Wii Sports before moving on to games with more substance. I would not have written about my adventures in gaming's past (both of these outings ended in old school Nintendo action) except for a slanderous YouTube video I just came across. Dudes with Attitudes has been out of the limelight for far too long. It's time the world realizes that old games still have worth in today's society. You thought Gears of War was visceral. Wait until you control decapitated heads in a puzzle/action game from hell.

First, a story that ends in irony. While playing Elebits last night, I casually mentioned Taboo: The Sixth Sense to my buddy Andy. For the uninitiated, Taboo is probably the worst video game I have ever played. No hyperbola needed - this game is dreck. The reason it is so notable twenty years after release is because of the prestigious developer behind it. My favorite developer of all time, Rare, crafted this tortuous turd. Andy did not believe such a game could exist so we fired it up on the Dreamcast and experienced the lowest point in gaming history. He agreed it was putrid - a video tarot card reader pretty much has to be - but challenged the idea that it was the worst thing ever slapped onto silicon. Enter: Space Shuttle Command. The first "level" of this travesty has you entering the correct flight number and name of your shuttle. Get one of the five answers wrong and it is Game Over. Yes, this is an actual game people spent money on back in the day. Because there is a semblance of gameplay in Space Shuttle Command, it gets the nod over Taboo: The Sixth Sense. But not by much.

And people complained about Grabbed by the Ghoulies?

Still waiting for the irony? I nominated Dudes with Attitudes as another candidate for worst game ever. I know what you're thinking but this was no setup. Yes, it does have a co-op mode, which instantly makes even the most uninspired games fun, but I distinctly remember hating DwA when I had last played it a few years ago. Clearly, I just didn't understand how to play. While searching for a horrible game, Andy and I found an old school puzzle game that held our attention for more than three hours. When the game crashed, erasing our hard-earned progress, we let out an audible cry that must have attracted a lonely Yeti.

I have to throw out these warnings before I dive in to why Dudes is so compelling: Dudes with 'tudes looks horrendous and controls even worse. The objectives aren't clear and the level design is murderous. Oh, and the music is non-existent. Other than that, it's a great game. I'm not joking. The premise, as the YouTube bastard clearly missed, is to destroy all the gems in the single screen level. You and your friend control a pair of disembodied heads. Once you start moving in the beginning of the level you are never allowed to stop. So you rocket back and forth across the screen, avoid traps on the fly while trying to figure out how to destroy the last few gems. Sounds like a great recipe, right?

I wish I was playing this right now

Your main task, in addition to navigating an out-of-control head, is to match your color to the color of certain objects on screen. You can only destroy a green gem when you're green. Some levels have enemies. These will kill you fast - two hits and you are dead. However, if you are the same color, you pass right through them. The game actually resembles the much loved Clu Clu Land. Both are very difficult to control and both involve solving puzzles in a single-screen environment while avoiding enemies and black holes. Oh, and they are both ridiculously hard. The simple formula Dudes presents in the beginning gets exponentially more difficult as you progress. For instance, in some levels, you have to deal with water. Touch a ship icon to safely cross the blue colored squares. However, because you fly so quickly and recklessly around the place, you'll find yourself inadvertently slamming into ship blocks, destroying your ship, and then find out that drowning is a very painful way to die. Other levels throw invisible blocks your way. When you combine these seemingly mundane obstacles with ultra twitchy controls, even the simplest tasks become as hard as a shirt that has been soaked in urine and hung out in the sun for three months.

Why isn't Clu Clu Land on the VC yet?

It's one of those games where, no matter how hard the level appears, you know you can pass it. So you try and try until you finally figure out the pattern to the madness. This is old school gaming at its best. Completely unforgiving but so rewarding when you finally succeed. Anyone can just go to GameFAQs to learn the secrets of Twilight Princess' dungeons. It takes a real gamer to fight their way through these levels with no sign of help save from your own tired thumbs. The NES may have been home to many a crappy game, but Dudes with Attitudes is not one of them. Game design clearly takes a front seat when you don't have fancy visuals or decent controls to work with. Dudes shows off the wonder of level design and continues to impress years after it first came out. I have to admit, though, after losing my progress so far into the game last night, I don't know if I'll have the strength to pass those levels again. But, if you're starring blankly at your Wii right now, I suggest breaking out the old Dreamcast and giving Dudes a spin.

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 2, Episode 10

2006-12-21T15:49:00.000-08:00

Elebits! Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin! Assault Heroes! Plus our takes on a few recent sizable news announcements, as well as a stylish send-off to the original Xbox in the second part of our 'End of a Generation' countdown.

Download link.

(Or better yet, use the iTunes subscription link near the top of the page and review us!)

Tom is back with a new rating system

2006-12-20T13:12:00.000-08:00

I am sorry I have been absent for almost a whole week. Nick valiantly carried on the G tradition in my stead, but I'm sure you were wanting for Haikus and random rants, right? Right? Sadly, the reason for my brief stink away could lead to an even longer hiatus in the coming weeks. I was staking out the Greater Bay Area for a place to call home. And, as this picture clearly demonstrates, I found a perfect, flat apartment to call my own. Let's see if you Google Earth sleuths can figure out where this building is located based on images taken miles above the surface we dwell on. To make it ever more difficult, the red arrow which seems to be indicating my future home may actually be pointing to the wrong building altogether. That's just how I roll.

Do not fear, I may not have been updating but I have still been very much immersed in the gaming industry while I made my Western voyage. For instance, I have played roughly ten hours of the new Castlevania game. How is it? I haven't technically finished it yet so you may have to wait a few days for a comprehensive analysis, but if you're holding the package above a checkout counter right now and need to know if it's worth $35, I can assure you that it is most definitely not. While that one sentence opinion may not have helped anyone in the grand scheme of life's plans, it did plant a tasty idea in my mind. I have literally thought of this while typing the preceding sentences so, if it seems half-baked, you are correct. Please don't laugh.

You know how everyone hates numerical ratings? Nick and I have made a concerted effort to avoid using numbers of any kind in our almost three years (or is four?) of barfing up our opinion. But one theme has rung true throughout - a propensity for buying cheap games. Why would Nick and I rip on Electronic Art' latest atrocity and then happily buy a brand new copy of Luigi's Mansion or Gun X360? It's all about price. I purchased the Gamecube's sole noteworthy launch title years after the fact because I felt $10 was well worth the experience of playing a ghost-hunting game with little in the gameplay department but undeniable charm. Nick scrounged up a last generation port of Gun X360 at launch because, after much finagling, he was able to get it in his hands for less than half the price of retail. While Nick and I would never push old women to the ground for the chance to plop down the absurd price retail stores were initially asking for these games, it was easy to slop out some dough when the price rounded more to our liking.

How about a review system that places a monetary value on every games? I realize the logistics are nearly impossible, but the idea seems solid enough. Viva Pinata, for instance, is a game I could hole-heartedly endorse. I spent $50 on the game and felt as though a bargain was offered. I can confidently state the game is actually worth the MSRP. Kameo, on the other hand, is fun and beautiful, but I never would have spent $50 on it. However, I am ecstatic that I was able to snare it for $20. Price is one of the major reasons to buy, or avoid, a specific game. To rate games on their worth would save some hassle for would-be buyers.

Obviously, this system has some major flaws. Most glaring is the capitalistic treatment of games in this system. Even if you include the likes of Hamsterz and Ping Pals, games are still a form of art. To place a monetary value on art is an insult to the artist. However, it cannot be ignored that games are a commodity. If developers had to live on the street just to code a few more lines, games would not exist today. I apologize in advance if anyone is insulted by sticking a price tag on games, but I can't worry about insulting a select few with my grand ideas to help the greater good.

Another problem? I play every game I can get my hands on. I wouldn't be able to recommend spending $60 for Gears of War because it just isn't different enough or fun enough to grab my attention for long. But if you play only a few games a year and want a graphical powerhouse that packs a wallop in the gameplay department, GoW would be well worth $60. My new rating system has some quirks that need to be worked out, but it makes reviewing off-beat titles with limited appeal much easier. Plus, it makes reviews timeless in a way traditional number ratings do not. The monetary value of games should not vary much during the life of a system. Obviously, no one would spend $60 to play Super Mario Kart now. But, it would have been worth that much at any point in the SNES' life.

I'll use Dead Rising as an example of a game that should retain its value through the life of the X360. Dead Rising was a game I really loved. Easily one of my favorite titles of the year. But the gameplay was simplistic and the story mode over all too quickly. If someone was reading that review when I wrote it back in August, they may have moved on to other, more affordable titles. However, when the price drops to $40, someone could read my review, see all the good things DR has to offer, and could feel confident in their purchase.

Don't worry, Nick and I aren't going to invent a standard G scoring system anytime soon, but I may just toss the ol' "it's not great, but if you can find it for $20 you should scoop it up" line in a review in the near future. If that isn't an obvious hint about the actual worth of Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin, I don't know what else to say.

2,007 more reasons to stay indoors

2006-12-15T15:45:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I ran through all of the new, original games hitting next year that I'm excited about. We can't ignore sequels though, the bread and butter of the industry, as unfortunate as that may be. I've tried my best to choose games that could potentially push their genres forwards, or in new directions; I fully acknowledge that all sequels are ultimately cash-ins, but there's a big difference between EA/Activision and Valve/Bungie in the way they approach profiting further off of successful ideas. We'll see how things pan out, but here's what I'm excited about right now.

10. Turok

I managed to finagle my way into the last BCD showing of Turok at E3 this year, a simple one-level playthrough with some developer commentary. And it seriously impressed me. They have a ridiculously talented group of people building the game, and the idea that we may finally see futuristic technology versus dinosaurs done correctly is thrilling. They've captured the ferocity and terror of dinosaur attacks, and should have plenty of time to build an engrossing game around it.

9. Culdcept Saga

One of the greatest things anyone has ever done for me was Al teaching me how to play Culdcept correctly. The Monopoly meets Magic the Gathering description it usually gets couldn't be more accurate, and it's as addictive and rewarding as that implies. This 360 sequel doesn't look much better than it's PS2 predecessor, but online play fits this game like a glove (unless they somehow botched it horribly). There are just so many reasons to be excited about an experience like this on a console.

8. Warhawk

There are two very good reasons why this game should wind up fantastic : Incog. doesn't make games that are anything less than ridiculously fun, and the motion control worked really well at E3 once you got used to it. The PS3 launch could have definitely used that game, but I'm glad they're getting another nine months to polish things to a sheen. The ground segments are also looking a bit like Mercenaries, which is a very good thing. I will have a PS3 by the time this game comes out.

7. Mercenaries 2: World in Flames

Hey, I remember you from such places as last paragraph! Mercs was one of my favorite games last gen, a perfect fusion of sandbox structure and explosive military goodness. It looked great at E3 (sorry, I know you're getting sick of me saying that), as beautiful and destructive as ever, with co-op no less! They've also built the engine from the ground up, which is very exciting since the original one was so great and is still being used.

6. Mario Galaxy

This is what I want from the Wii. Experiences that are immediately intuitive and fun, and as response and visceral as using a traditional controller. With gorgeous art design to make up for limited graphical power (though the game does look technically beautiful as well). The Wii has proven that it can work in traditional genres, but Mario is the first example (of many, I hope) I've seen of trying to fundamentally evolve a genre. It's still the most profound fifteen minutes I've had with the system, and I can't imagine the final game will be anything less than brilliant.

5. Half-Life 2

Let's go over what you get for your (assumed) $60 here: Half-Life 2 (arguably the best game ever), Episode 1 (which everyone loves), Episode 2 (takes place in the woods!), Portal (obscenely innovative FPS puzzler), and Team Fortress 2 (sequel to the most beloved multiplayer game on the PC). Are they actually going to go through with this? I would pay like $200 for this package, and they really going to give it to me for $12 a game? Some of the best FPS experiences available anywhere, in their highest-resolution versions yet, playable from my couch. What's not to love?

4. Grand Theft Auto IV

This would probably be ranked higher if I knew what the hell to expect. But with three years, 150-person staff and I'm sure an obscene budget, the potential this game has is a little hard to wrap my head around. The experiences I've gleaned from the other GTA games are damned near enlightened, especially coming from a game where you can run over a hooker with an ice cream truck. What innovations lie in store for us in October? Running over a bear, in space, with a dinosaur? The mind boggles.

3. Earth Defense Force X

I don't quite understand why this took so long to make it over to the States. What do Americans like more than blowing up giant insects, robots and aliens? You're a tiny man, with a big gun, fighting hordes and hordes of the before-mentioned epidemics. It also happens to have the best co-op play known to man. This 360 version has less levels and no girl with a jetpack to play as, but what it lacks in those areas it makes up for by being able to be played on a goddamned US machine, and be in English. Spring, please come here now.

2. Halo 3

I was going to be cute and just write "It's Halo 3.", here, but I guess I should come up with a couple other reasons why I would tackle a porcupine to play this game for ten minutes. It has a new and improved matchmaking and party system, you can record clips of all your brilliant single and multi-player exploits and share them with your friends or in the post game lobby, and a drivable ATV. There you go. Now when do I find out for sure if I'm in the beta test, so I can stop having hourly panic attacks?

1. Burnout 5

Weird, huh? The best racing/action/puzzle/whatever game gets better, with an open world structure that sounds brilliantly thought out (go do some reading, or take my word for it), and all the graphical prowess, sense of speed and devastating crashes we're all become accustomed so being taken to the next level. Though Burnout Revenge wasn't quite as good as Burnout 3, I put an extra few dozen hours into it just trying to get gold medals everywhere I could. It's a perfect formula for fun and addiction, and everything I've read about this new one sounds like a step in the right direction. It's the only game that does a better job than Halo of making everything else in it's genre feel embarrassingly archaic and obsolete.

2,007 reasons to stay indoors

2006-12-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

This might be a bit early, but I can't contain myself - 2007 is going to be an enormously awesome year for games. This year will ultimately be remembered for it's multiple system launches, but outside of Okami and Oblivion there weren't really any games that had any sort of profound impact on me. That's fine though, I don't need to be wowed by every title, and I still enjoyed a wide variety of random other games (which I'm sure I'll recognize in a few weeks in a year-end list of sorts). So what am I psyched for next year? Let's start with the original games, then we'll run through the exciting sequels in a day or two.

10. Shadowrun

Yeah, yeah, it's technically not a new IP. But really, an arena-based FPS as a sequel to an RPG from three hardware generations ago? It's a new game, let's just face facts. And I'm weirdly looking forward to it. The art design is beyond horrendous, but the unique movement mechanics (gliding, teleporting) and magic look like they could end up turning into worthwhile innovations. That, and the first proper party system we've seen since Halo 2. That alone is worth a spot on any list.

9. Skate

Tony Hawk peaked five games ago, and thus the exciting sport of skateboarding did a nice big faceplant in the digital realm. Activision don't seem to have any interest in changing the one-a-year, no innovation formula, so the reigns fall to EA (strangely enough). Every movement in Skate is dictated by the physics of your rider, the surface and the specifics of the board, so no two tricks are alike; that, combined with this bizarre new concept they've developed called "gravity", and we might finally be in for some welcome competition.

8. Kane & Lynch: Dead Men

Honestly, I'm just hoping this is the spiritual successor to Freedom Fighters, one of my favorite games ever (and grossly ignored by the gaming populace) since it's developed by IO too. It has co-op, seemingly simplistic squad controls (one of the things that made FF so great), and environments that seem realistic in all the right ways (destructible bits, interactive crowds). It will probably end up being more like Hitman (IO's successful franchise), and I'll probably bitch, but at of this moment I'm still psyched for the possibility.

7. The Darkness

I don't know crap about the comic, but the game looked fantastic at E3. Devious darkling creatures do you sick bidding, your weird mouthy body/trenchcoat tentacles can throw around cars and impale the unfortunate, you can watch old movies on in-game TVs, and Henry Rollins voices the main character. Should be a really fun, beautiful FPS at the least.

6. Alan Wake

The hype has worked wonders on me. They've dribbled out bits and pieces and screenshots of the game over the last few years, and though I still don't know what the hell it is, I'm too intrigued not to be excited. Looks a bit like Silent Hill in the daytime, with stunningly photo-realistic seaside vistas. The plot reminds me of Swimming Pool, though I can't imagine it will have as much high-quality nudity. Wait, what? Oh, right, yes, Alan Wake looks badass.

5. Army of Two

If this game is nothing but homosexual innuendo (like has been suggested dozens of times), I'm as gay as a three dollar bill. It was probably the best-looking game as E3 outside of GoW and Bioshock, and the fact that it's built entirely around co-op is HUGELY attractive. This is one of those checks in the "Things EA are doing that are not complete atrocities" column, and though it's still guns and military and exploitation, it's also one of the more innovative concepts around at it's core.

4. Crackdown

As of May, the game was more fun to watch someone else play who knew what they were doing than to play it yourself. I still have very high hopes though. It's GTA with superpowers and a very distinct vertical element to the game and level design. Three reasons that make any game great that will make Crackdown great:
a) RPG elements - The more you do things, the better you get at them. Hello Oblivion.
b) Co-Op - Online, through the entire campaign. With co-op achievements.
c) Throwing trucks - Throwing trucks.
If the framerate and the controls come together by release, I'll be a terribly happy beaver.

3. Mass Effect

Have you SEEN this game recently? Take a look. I'm still not entirely sold on the more action-oriented battles yet (I played KoTOR entirely turn-based and love it), but the cinematic conversation dynamic and character development both look tits. I still say this won't be out until the fall, but maybe I just can't handle the excitement of a still supposed Spring release. Yowza.

2. Assassin's Creed

I remember being excited for Project Assassin, just based on the tech behind it that they explained a few years ago. Well, the game became real, and after finally seeing gameplay I was stunned. It's Prince of Persia evolved, which is already pretty damned evolved over most other action/adventure games. Some idiot TV star recently let the overall plot secret slip, but it only makes me more excited for the final product. The game certainly seems innovative, but not just for the sake of it - there's a lot of truly progressive game design behind it, and I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

1. Bioshock

They can release all the awesome trailers they want - I can't possibly look forward to the game any more than I am. It was far and away the best at E3 this year, and every moment of the playthrough we witnessed is still ingrained on my retinas. It's atmospheric beyond description, sublimely gorgeous, in a post-apocalyptic, Atlantean sort of way, and enough gameplay promise and potential to make EVERY other FPS next year seem boring by comparison. It's one of the most fully-realized game worlds I have ever seen, and I want nothing more than to explore it's every nook and cranny.

Not quite an elephant, not quite a bit

2006-12-13T22:58:00.000-08:00

Elebits is immediately fun, and I can't really say that for any other game on the Wii that I've played; I can appreciate a conscious learning curve, games like Zelda couldn't really be accomplished without it, but there's something to be said for instant, intuitive enjoyment. As universally successful as the system has been thus far, it's potential versus current software output is even more shameful than the PS3.

But anyhow, Elebits! Yay! It's an easy comparison, but I don't think that the Katamari aesthetic will be lost on anyone who has played both games. It's very Japanese, yes, but it's also very colorful, flourishes with sparse but memorable visual design, and revolves around a similarly simplistic but perpetually rewarding game mechanic. Ignoring the downright stupid story (replete with perhaps the most poorly acted, lazily translated dialogue since R.A.D.), you're tasked with collecting tiny Elebit creatures around your house, and eventually the world at large, with your gravity gun (of sorts). Half-Life 2 meets hide-and-go-seek.

Levels involve wandering around various parts of your house (though you do explore the world further in later stages I understand, I'm just speaking from what I've played), tearing the place to shreds looking for Elebits. They hide in drawers, under magazines, in the toilet and on the ceiling rafters. And every other goddamn place in-between, in every nook and cranny you could possibly theorize. You have to collect a certain amount within the time limit, and can keep playing until the end of the time if you finish early (remind you of anything?). Collecting them slowly turns on the power around the house, and if you activate eletronic they'll spit out powered Elebits, which increase the strength/wattage of your grabber gun, allowing you to lift heavier objects to find more Elebits to activate more electronics. Phew. It's a fun little cycle, and it makes each level perpetually rewarding.

There are lots of other little quirks beyond that basic gameplay premise too, such as specific items that need other items to function (find some laundry in the mess you've made to put in the dryer), levels with certain restrictions (keep the noise level down, don't break delicate items), and the different moods an Elebit can be in when captured (the most points being for when he's sleeping or singing, I believe). It's ultimately a very simplistic game, but these few variations and the utter gratification of the main gameplay elements (trashing a house, collecting cute lil' Elebits) keep things clipping along at a very nice pace.

My collecting hand is jittering as I type this, wanting to throw my new iMac across the room, just for the slim chance that a little green demon may be underneath. I should probably go play more now and write more later.

Sony is a sore loser and Elebits storms America

2006-12-13T11:22:00.000-08:00

Sony really bugs the hell out of me. I realize if I say something negative about one of the Big Three it may result in much teeth gnashing and insult slinging. But I'm above such trivial concerns. I've already said the PlayStation 2 is most likely the greatest system ever made. I feel the PS3 will turn out to be the best of the current generation consoles as well. But for all the good Sony has done - they have saturated the casual gaming market so completely that Nintendo is now, rather successfully, going after non-gamers - they are some of the most arrogant, pompous asshole ever to be given the right to publicly speak their mind.

As you may have heard, the Wii is selling at a phenomenal rate right now. It is flying off of store shelves in all three territories. Not only that, but the mainstream press, the US Todays and Newsweeks of the world, are standing in line to shake Nintendo's hand and welcome them back from the virtual abyss. In short, the Wii is everything Nintendo said it could be. Is the lineup great? Not even close, but it appeals to a very powerful segment of society: everyone. The PS3, on the other hand, is an overpriced piece of new-fangled technology. The three richest kings in the world are digging the Blast Factor, but everyone else is hiring homeless Chinese people to stand in line for them so they can hawk these things on eBay. In short, Sony should have waited until March. The games aren't ready, the system isn't ready, and they underestimated the appeal of swinging one's arm. Sony's failings right now are so obvious even the mainstream press has jumped on the pile. Nothing quite like kicking someone in the teeth while they lay prone on the dirty floor.

Sony has two options right now. They could admit that things aren't going as planned. Wouldn't it be nice if Sony said, "We have obviously not gotten off to a good start. But great games are coming. Here, download this demo of Metal Gear Solid 4." That would be far too civil for Sony, though. This is a war! Blood must be spilled!

"We feel very confident that the PlayStation fan is going to wait until they can get a PlayStation 3...If they do pick up a Wii, it's as more of a novelty," says Sony spokesman Dave Karraker.

Dave Karraker's mother is ashamed of him right now.

And now, a quick word about the only game coming out this week that's actually worth a damn.

Elebits: Nintendo is making kids lazier by the second. When I was growing up, I had to ride my bike a few miles, racket slung uncomfortably across my back, just to play tennis. With the power of the Wii you can just move your hand slightly and have the same experience. They've taken away my tennis, but they can't take away my favorite pastime, can they? Not Hide 'N Go Seek! Oh yes, the looking game we all love has now found a permanent home on the Wii. Of course, you don't get to hide in this game. It's a virtual reality seeking game... with a gravity gun. I am way too excited right now.

Dragon Quest: pioneer or crazy miscreant?

2006-12-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

I've never played Dragon Quest before. But I do know a thing or two about it. First thing: it's a very traditional RPG series. All the fancy innovations we've been seeing in RPGs for the last 20 years have completely passed over by this franchise. There is no ability to choose your own path through the game, no fancy new combat engine, there isn't even a lame Gamecube spin-off that requires several hundred dollars worth of equipment to enjoy. It's just a good ol' fashioned RPG. Second thing I know about Dragon Quest: it meets a basic need for human survival in Japan. The rumor that a national holiday is declared with each new release may not be entirely factual, but the nation does come to a crashing halt when the latest edition hits the stores. It's Halo and Grand Theft Auto rolled into one, with a healthy dash of Madden. It's the desert island game of everyone from Japanese descent. And now, it's coming to the Nintendo DS.

Portable systems have been home to various successful spin-off franchises through the years. Super Mario Land wasn't in the same ballpark as World, but it offered solid jumping entertainment for people waiting for the next "real" Mario game. Grand Theft Auto 4 is coming to next generation systems sometime next year, but GTA: Liberty City Stories has been filling a whore-killing void for gamers with a PSP. Spin-offs on portable systems happen all the time. In fact, the Nintendo DS got a spin-off version of Dragon Quest just a few months ago. But this is different. As of an announcement earlier today, Dragon Quest IX, the next installment in the main series, is headed to the Nintendo DS in just a few months. How crazy is this? I'll tell you.

It costs a ton of money to make games on the PlayStation 3. And, despite its modest specs, it costs a lot of money to make games on the Wii as well. As graphics and technology continue to advance, the margin for mistakes has been cut to the width of a baby's hair. Dragon Quest would not be a risk on any platfrom. Dragon Quest IX could come out exclusively on the Game.com and still sell several million. But the potential for massive profits is greatly increased when you develop for the NDS. There is already a massive installed base out there. Nintendo is selling more than half a million new systems every month. It dwarfs the installed base of all three next generation systems combined. Square Enix is no stranger to making money. So they will spend less money on development costs and sell more copies than if they released it for a real video game console. Seems like a brilliant business move, doesn't it?

But what does this mean for fans of TV games? Why wouldn't every company just shift development to the NDS? Why is Capcom spending a fortune making Devil May Cry 4 for the PS3 when they could just release a quirky action game for the NDS and make even more money? Honestly, I have no idea why. I think the video game landscape is quickly changing. This is a business and it simply is not a sound financial investment to make games for these next generation systems. I hope that developers don't read this column and nod their head in agreement, but I do not understand why anyone would make games for these uber-systems when the NDS is moving into unprecedented waters.

Capcom is leading the way in the console world. With Dead Rising already a huge hit and Lost Planet just a month away, they will have two of the best reviewed and best selling next generation games. And they have a sequel to all their popular franchises already in development. But what if Lost Planet only sells a million copies? What if the installed base for the PS3 isn't large enough when DMC4 comes out for Capcom to make a profit on the game? Will they shift development to the NDS as well?

The next few years are going to be very interesting. Dragon Quest is the only major franchise that has shifted to the handheld side so far. Is it an aberration or is it the start of a horrible trend?

Virtual haikus

2006-12-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

As of today, I am officially broke. That's the bad news. Since I no longer have a job, though, I don't have to play through the entirety of role playing games while sitting on a toilet with no auditory consolation. With the reemergence of Unemployed Tom, Lunch with Tom has been buried in a dark coffin where old columns are left to rot. Unfortunately, there is no word I can use to describe the state I currently reside. No catchy column title will preface this or any of my posts in the near future. But the updates will continue, unnamed but undaunted. You may notice one major change in today's update, though. Usually, I would spend my Monday's pouring over upcoming releases. The whole concept seems antiquated to me now. Games don't even come out on Monday! What was I thinking? In their stead, I present haiku summations of the weekly Virtual Console releases. Honestly, today should be a day where I talk about the "new" content for all three consoles. Since Microsoft does not stick to a release date mere mortals such as myself can comprehend and Sony's schedule does not seem to be set in stone at this point, I will have to stick firmly to the Wii and its backlog of old hits for this week. On with the Haikus!

Should we call this game
Fat Guys on Skates Whomp Thin Men
Or just Ice Hockey?

In Gunstar Heroes
Shooting takes a backseat to
Tossing friends off cliffs

Is Alien Crush
Dating sim, baby squashing
Or TV Pinball?

Ahoy Doctor R
These Mean Beans, they hurt me so
Your Machine, she's evil

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 2, Episode 9

2006-12-08T00:32:00.000-08:00

Back on schedule, how about that? It's the end of a generation, and we usher out the Gamecube by counting down it's best exclusive games. Plus the usual news, what we've been playing, and Al shows up to tell us the apparent merits of Earthbound, eleven years too late. Dig in!

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Lunch with Tom - You better have an Xbox 360 by March

2006-12-07T11:52:00.000-08:00

I must apologize. In my haste to complain about the PSP and gather support against the evil Electronic Arts, I never wrote about what truly matters. Nick and I played one of the greatest games of all time last March but there has been no mention of it on these virtual pages. My experiences are not fresh enough to recreate the experience here, but I did make a few notes back in March that I will share now. And then? A huge announcement that will move the Earth itself as it spins with joy.

"The other day, God and I were having a pretty serious conversation. Names were thrown around and feelings were hurt, but eventually God tried to make amends. He offering me a gift. "Anything in the world!" he said. Well, when you can have anything you can possibly imagine from God himself, you shouldn't just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. And believe me, I certainly didn't. I thought about all the starving children in the world and homeless puppies, but I didn't want God to think I was some lame do-gooder, trying to show my benevolence in exchange for more wishes. So I asked for something I think we can all appreciate - a really great video game. Don't laugh, I didn't just ask for any old game. That would be silly, no? I said I wanted a co-op game that would put all other cooperative endeavors to shame. I wanted an idea finally realized; one that has been drifting in and out of my conscienceless since birth. I wanted something with giant spiders. God nodded his head, thrice blinked his eyes, and spat out, in a way that only God can, Earth Defense Force 2.

Of course, I forgot to specify that I wanted a game on a system I actually own. The Japanese have been playing EDF2 for a year now, blissfully unaware that the silicon they were so enjoying was crafted from neuron particles drifting around my carbon coated cabeza. God must have had quite a laugh at my inability to play the game he created specifically for me. Eventually, he took pity and blessed my buddy Nick with the desire to import this dream game for the two of us to share. So finally, I have laid my hands upon the greatest cooperative game ever imagined by human and deity alike."

Ever since that day 8 months ago I have been pining for more Earth Defense Force action. But it has only been released in Japan. Neither I nor any of my friends have a foreign console. I was stuck reading other people's experiences with this great game, hoping that one day, God would finally bring it to American shores. Would you like some symmetry? Next March, exactly one year after I first experienced Earth saving bliss, a new EDF title will come to America for my Xbox 360. I cannot possibly capture how important this announcement is to me. There is no greater joy in gaming than playing with a friend. Notice I said "with." Competition may drive our society, but making your way through a video game with a buddy is about as good as life gets. Why do you think Nick and I spent 200 hours playing Champions of Norrath, Gauntlet: Seven Sorrows and Adventures of Cookies and Cream? Co-op makes everything more fun. So, when you have a game that is already brilliant and add in a second player, well, you have a classic for all of time.

Like everything in life, there is a slight catch. You may have read how God tricked me earlier. Don't worry, the sequel to the PlayStation 2 classic will come to America next year and it will have cooperative play. However, it will not let you and a friend team up online. My initial reaction was pure anger. You expect me to go all the way over to my friend's house? Or, god forbid, I have to shell out $60 for another controller? The nerve! But then I started thinking. Co-op is the best thing ever, but part of that fun comes from hanging out with a friend. Voice chat is impersonal. It's distant. I assume D3, the publisher of this game, left out online co-op because of technical limitations (did I mention the 10-story tall insects?), but, deep down inside, I'm sure they understand the joy of hitting your friend in real life because he shot you with a god-damned rocket launcher.

It's going to be some competition for my gaming time next March. Should I play Earth Defense Force X, possibly the new greatest co-op game of all time? Or should I try that Halo 3 Beta everyone is talking about? decisions, decisions...

Lunch with Tom - The Star Curse

2006-12-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

Trauma Center: Second Opinion is forcing me to relive the humiliation of being cut from the high school basketball team ten years ago. This may surprise readers of this site, but I used to dabble in athletics from time to time. I was never the most gifted player on the court, but I was good. I made up for my lack of pure talent by hustling, playing solid defense, and using the all mighty power of momentum to my advantage. But I'm short and slow, always have been, and simply could not compete with the world-class athletes from my high school. I walked away with my head down, vowing to never touch a ball again nor run more than ten feet at a time. And now, here comes Trauma Center, reusing the scenarios from the NDS version with pretty new graphics, and it makes me feel like an inadequate teenager.

I can't draw a star. I just physically cannot do it. I spent twenty minutes yesterday practicing. "Up, down, cross the middle... BAH! That one looks like a dwarf star. That's a red giant. That's a god-damned billy goat." None of them looked like the five point prince I was supposed to draw. I couldn't do it. My brain knew what needed to be done. My hand, usually a happy participant in all things gaming, just could not do the required motion. I switched to lefty at one point, hoping he could save me. Nope, not even close. So now Trauma Center sits in a cold mailbox, waiting to be sent back to sunny California, while I hang my head in shame.

This seems like as much an issue with Trauma Center as with the Wii itself. Are developers going to expect precision drawing? Am I going to have to perform complicated motions in the future? Is there a section in Zelda I won't be able to pass because I can't move the Wiimote in some arbitrary manner? How about Mario Galaxy or, god forbid, Mario Kart Wii? What if I have to fling the controller in a specific manner to use my Star Man? The Wii is all about mainstream bonding. It's about accessibility. Ease of use. All the crap Nintendo has been spouting and now I, an avid gamer, can't draw a god-damned star in a surgery simulator. Someone has failed here and it isn't just me.

The gestures have already become a problem. In Zelda, I have to lunge with the nunchuck to perform a shield bash. I am rarely able to mimic the motion demanded of me. I usually end up spinning around in a circle, flailing my sword like a dancing Muppet, while losing my healthy to an attacking enemy. Does Nintendo really expect me to learn multiple motions to progress through a game? I'm used to pushing buttons not conducting symphonies! This isn't a huge problem yet (except for Atlus, whose game I cannot adequately write about now), but it certainly could be. If this is the future of gaming as sales reports and mainstream news would have me believe, they better make sure their technology is solid and the games versatile enough to allow a sometimes spastic gamer to advance.

Lunch with Tom - A little help from the big guy

2006-12-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

The next generation retro gaming battle has finally begun. Microsoft started dumping crap from the late '70s on us last year and gamers resisted. It was a valiant effort on their part to attract an audience that doesn't play First Person Shooters, but I have no interest in Joust or Robotron. A year later, Nintendo has followed suit. Though they have actual games in their library to release, they are holding them all back for a rainy day while they milk gamers $5 at a time with Pinball and Soccer. Clearly, we need someone to intervene. Surely Sony must have a better plan to introduce their own classic games, right? They don't have anything approaching Nintendo's catalog of hits, but they've been doing this for 10 years already. They can still save us, right?

Yes and no. As far as games go, the initial offering of PlayStation One titles is both less entertaining than Nintendo's VC games and in even shorter supply. When the highlight of your five released games is Crash Bandicoot, well, you have some issues. But Sony has done something quite admirable. They are only charging $6 for these games. To compare, Nintendo is charging $5 for NES games, $6 for TG-16 games, $8 for SNES and Genesis games, and $10 for N64 games. The PSX lineup may not has aged as gracefully as the SNES library, but $6 versions of Jumping Flash and Twisted Metal 2 sound incredibly temping to me.

I honestly can't believe Sony has gone the cheap route with their downloadable titles. Their online service may be piss poor, but they aren't charging people so much as a dime to play online. They aren't even pushing nominal upgrades for their PS3 games. There is no Horse Armor or overpriced, relit maps available for purchase. As far as I can tell, Sony is not nickel and diming consumers at all. The console may cost $600, but everything else is either free or cheaper than the competition. I am floored. And, if you look at the picture located just below this paragraph, it seems like Sony is actually offering the occasional online deal as well. $2 off an original title for a limited time sounds like a fantastic idea to me.

Sony has had a lot of problems in the early going for their new uber-console. And it should be noted that these PSX games can only be played on your PSP right now, though that should be amended at some point. However, it is nice to see signs of improvement. Sony has a lot of ground to make up and I honestly don't know how they will ever manufacture enough systems to overtake the Wii, but this is at least a hint of what we can expect in the future. MS and Nintendo were content releasing old games for way too much money. Sony, as the reigning market leader, may be able to bring a little order to this chaos. We'll have to see what happens in the coming years, but I can't imagine Sony will allow EA to rape consumers with $50 worth of microtransactions for lame racing games. It almost feels like the parents had been gone for a weekend and the kids have thrown a disastrous party. A little discipline is just what this next generation of gaming needed

Lunch with Tom - Three fun games and a special prize

2006-12-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin - The second half of the year has been very disappointing for the Nintendo DS. Mario Basketball was incredibly cheap, Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2 wasn't nearly as good as its predecessor and Contact was just boring. Not even Elite Beat Agents could capture the magic of Ouendan. But I still have hope. I don't think there has ever been a bad 2D Castlevania game. It doesn't matter if it's of the linear action variety, is chuck full of role-playing elements like Castlevania 2 or the Metroid-vania games we've been enjoying since Symphony of the Night came out. Castlevania is one of the few franchises that seems to deliver every single time. It's uncanny actually. I honestly have no idea what is going to differentiate this game from SotN, Circle of the Moon, Harmony of Dissonance, Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow, but I do know it will be fantastic. I mean, it's a new Castlevania. I may rant and rave against yearly sequels, but I will never snap at a hand so eager to deliver treats. If you're as down on the NDS lineup this year as I have been, you can't go wrong with a new Castlevania.

Kirby Squeak Squad - Kirby was shown for the first time at this year's E3. I was pissed when I saw what they were trying to sell. A Kirby game that uses buttons? How crass. You actually expect me to move the pink puff with a D Pad? Like a common houseboy? I expected a real sequel to Kirby's Canvas Curse, but I was stuck with a "traditional platformer." How quaint. But I gave it a shot while waiting for someone to stop hogging Chibi Robo DS. The first thing I noticed was that the top screen is where the bulk of the action takes place. I am a journalist and therefore one of the most observant people in the world. I'm sure a lot of average folk would not have picked up on this detail. Looking slightly down, I found the bottom screen was occupied with something much more entertaining than suck 'n hop action. It was a view, from the inside of Kirby, of his always-overflowing belly. Yes, it's kind of a waste of a perfectly good touch screen, but who cares! It's Kirby's stomach, on fully display, for the entire adventure. That alone will persuade me to play this game. The NDS may be having a lousy year, but four classic 2D games (Mario and Yoshi's Island) in one year makes me quite happy.

Full Auto 2: Battlelines - You know something, I really enjoyed the first Full Auto. It was shallow and repetitive, but the core concept was quite enjoyable. Call me a simple American if you must, but I see no problem with a game centered around driving quickly through detailed cities with a hood-mounted gun. Isn't that just a recipe for fun? This PS3 exclusive adds a much needed multiplayer mode to the mix. I know there aren't enough PS3's out there to take advantage of a multiplayer mode, but in theory this sounds really fun. It should be just like those old school vehicular combat games that have disappeared for some reason. Twisted Metal and Rogue Trip were excellent in the mid-90s and I have no reason to believe Full Auto 2 can't be fun ten years after the fact. Once you're done playing through Resistance, what other choice is there?

If you're still reading at this point I have a prize for you - a chance to be entered in the Halo 3 beta! Isn't that fantastic? Just visit Halo3.com some time today and enter. The site is not up as of publication, but it is supposed to become active sometime on December 4. Good luck.

G-Pinions: Gaming Radio - Season 2, Episode 8

2006-12-01T00:15:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's been a while. We recorded two damn good shows in the interim, but a tiny unicorn got inside our server and started poking holes in the ceiling. Regardless, we're back. We decided to crap out an extra delicious amount of Zelda and Viva Pinata chatter, stopping to cover a couple of things we missed over the last month. We also almost go an entire show without talking about the PS3, completely accidentally. And Scott!

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Lunch with Tom - Beta Beta Beta

2006-11-30T12:02:00.000-08:00

Lucky people have all the fun. As everyone should know, Monday is the official start of the Halo 3 hype season. Monday Night Football is finally going to bring in an audience other than diehard football fans (sarcasm lost on people who didn't have to suffer through a thirty minute Jamie Foxx interview) when the first Halo 3 commercial airs in homes across the country. Also on Monday, people can start signing up for the Halo 3 Beta due for release sometime this spring.

I may be a naive, overly optimistic man-child, but I just assumed anyone with an X360 would be able to play the Halo 3 Beta in a few months. My Beta ignorance is startling, isn't it? PC gamers have to put up with this crap all the time. Every Blizzard release is tested on lucky consumer's computers via a Beta. You'll have to forgive me if this slipped my mind. I don't sully my hands with PC games very often. But us console gamers will have to feel some pain next year. Some of us will play test Halo 3 for the eager people at Bungie. Others will just wish they were chosen. I'm going to start making up a defense now. I won't want people to see my tears when I'm not selected. If irony is truly my god, Super Castlevania will come out the same day Nick downloads his fancy Halo 3 Beta.

Lunch with Tom - Virtual needs

2006-11-29T11:54:00.000-08:00

I really feel like playing Super Castlevania right now. I know the next Nintendo DS, Metroid-style Castlevania game is coming out sometime in December, but that doesn't interest me nearly as much. I crave some straightforward, whip-toting action right now. But I can't play it. Sure, I could check out eBay or my friendly neighborhood pawn shop. I could take my chances on a battered copy with a battery that ran out of juice seven years ago. I'm sure I could find a cart with a healthy yellow stain on the cover if I really wanted to. I admit that I'm lazy. I don't really want to search for a copy of the original, I don't want to pirate a copy, and I'm not even sure where all the parts to my SNES currently reside. You know what would be really cool? If Nintendo released a console that could play all these old hits. Think about the possibilities! Super Mario World and Sonic the Hedgehog on one system; being able to flick between The Lost Vikings and Bubble Bobble with the push of one button; using the same controller the whole time. It sounds like a magical, candy-filled world where unicorns do my laundry and the lunch lady tastes like Peeps. Alas, this world could exist now if Nintendo wasn't a dirty bastard.

Fancy controller aside, the most compelling aspect of the Wii is the Virtual Console. I love old school gaming. I have never played Actraiser or Devil's Crush. I want to buy these games, I want to give my hard-earned money for the right to play twenty-year-old games, but Nintendo is holding back the goods. The Wii launched 10 days ago with just a piddly amount of classic titles available for download. Crap like the original Mario Bros. and Donkey Kong were going for $5 a pop. They were selling Altered Beast, a game Sega struggled to give away free of charge 17 years ago, for $8. They had the nerve to offer Pinball for $5 as well. And Soccer! What the hell are these games? They did not give us a real Mario platformer. Japan got Super Castlevania, Super Mario World and Donkey Kong Country. The only two worthwhile games we got were The Legend of Zelda and Solomon's Key. These games are great, but come on!

Nintendo has a library of thousands of games. They have the complete catalog of the NES, SNES and N64 at their disposal. Sega is giving us Genesis games and Hudson is throwing in TG-16 classics as well. I'm sure we'll even see something from Sega CD, 32X (Kolibri!) and Saturn. I know I'm not the only person who would download NiGHTS in a heartbeat. Heck, I would spend $12 to see why people are willing to spend $100 on Panzer Dragoon Saga. Instead of capitalizing on this free money, Nintendo is just sitting and waiting while I pull my hair out. Since launch, we've seen four new games released - Ecco the Dolphin, Golden Axe, Bonk's Adventure and Super Star Soldier. Decent games, but why release so few at a time? At this rate, the Wii won't be a legitimate Virtual Console until 2015. Nintendo has 80 of the 100 best games of all time at their disposal, not to mention several hundred fun games to complement those ultra classics, but is perfectly content dangling these gems above our hungry mouths. I can understand holding back super Mario Kart. You need to implement leaderboards and online play. But there is no excuse releasing the original Mario Bros. as the closest thing to a Mario platformer. That doesn't even count as a platformer! It doesn't even scroll!

Even with just Solomon's Key and The Legend of Zelda, the Wii Virtual Console is already far beyond the XBLA's collect of retro hits. I am just extremely frustrated with how Nintendo is treating us eager gamers. They have a HUGE advantage over Sony and Microsoft. They have more classic games in their back catalog than MS has total games spread across two platforms. And when that well finally dries up, Nintendo will have made a billion dollars they can invest in future development. They can work on a new 2D Mario and a new 2D Kid Icarus to be released straight to the VC. Nintendo can print money with the VC but they are not capitalizing. It is so frustrating having money to spend and a need that can be easily filled while you watch a fat company sit on their butt.

Lunch with Tom - Avoid Contact with this crap

2006-11-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

Maybe Japanese RPGs are just boring. I did finish Contact a couple weeks ago. Though it was the only NDS game in my collection I had not finished, I was still quite pleased when the ending credits rolled. This was just a bland, uninspired entry in a genre that really should be dead. Is there a point to Japanese RPGs anymore? These are games that rely on strong characters and a compelling story but rarely deliver the goods. I would venture that no story, including the entirety of the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter series, require more than 40 hours to tell. No characters are so deep that you can't reveal all of their thoughts and desires in just a few hours. And yet, the genre is still thriving as people flock to slowly read a tale that has been told a thousand times before. I used to dig the genre, and I'm sure Chrono Trigger would still make me titter with delight, but companies are killing RPGs by reusing the same ideas over and over again until I just want to kill every spiky-haired kid on a mission to save the world.

Contact is about a scientist's quest for some stolen elements. For some reason, he cannot recover them himself. So he comes in "Contact" with the player and uses the unfortunate person to manipulate the actions of some ignorant little child. It sounds like a pretty cool idea, but in practice it plays just like every other game. The boy you control is not resistant to your input methods nor does he appear to have a mind of his own. You control him like you would control the main character in any other bland RPG. Though the scientist talks to you from time to time, and there is a dramatic scene late in the game when the child realizes he is being manipulated, the premise is ignored for the most part.

The biggest hook of the game is this ability to wear different clothes that grant you special abilities. Guess what, this isn't particularly fun either. First of all, you can only change clothes when you are in your home base. When out in the world, trying to find a fragment of the stolen gem, you are stuck with the same clothes and the same abilities for the whole time. What is the point of having these different abilities if you can't even use them? Worse, in order to actually use the suits well, you have to reach a very high level. For instance, in order to cook interesting dishes as the chef, you have to be higher than level 50. That would take hours and hours to achieve. To catch higher-level fish you have to be level 70. Who is going to take the time to level up their fishing abilities? A decent concept is wasted because of ridiculous requirements and a dressing room that is usually an hour behind where you currently reside.

It's been about two weeks since I beat the game and I hardly remember anything from my journey. If you want a JRPG for your NDS, you're much better off picking up Mario and Luigi 2. If you're really intense you could get that Final Fantasy 3 game everyone is talking about. You won't catch me playing one of these tired games for quite awhile, though. It's hard to commit time and energy playing a stagnant genre when there are developers out there offering new gameplay ideas or at least an interesting twist to an old classic. I cannot believe the developer of Killer 7 made a game so utterly devoid of life as Contact.

Lunch with Tom - Viva Rare!

2006-11-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

Nick and I talked about Viva Pinata quite a bit before it came out. It's a new Rare game. I was brimming with delight just thinking about it. But I had one major concern that I thought, no matter how good the game turned out, Viva would never be able to overcome. It was a casual, simulation experience on a console. I don't play sims on a console. It's so restrictive. Consoles are meant for real video games. First person shooter and adventure games. Epic adventures that can suck you in for five hours at a time. These are the type of games I expect to play on my consoles. I figured a sim like Viva Pinata would never be engaging enough to draw my attention to a TV for more than a half hour at a time. It should have been the first Rare game on the Nintendo DS. It should have been something I could play while traveling or when watching sports. Obviously, things didn't work out that way.

I am still playing Viva Pinata over Zelda. I can't explain it. Every second I spend with Zelda is incredible. The pacing is as good as I have ever seen in a game. Every half hour you are doing something completely different. From herding goats to fishing to playing as a wolf to sumo wrestling, every aspect of this epic adventure is broken down into bite-sized chunks. There is never a dull moment because you are constantly doing something completely new. If Nintendo can keep this up throughout the entire adventure, and keep the quality of the puzzles and combat equally as high, this really may be the best game ever made. But I am still spending most of my free time in my garden.

You can doubt my words because I am an admitted Rare fanboy, but Viva Pinata is the best game on the X360. It is also the best thing Rare has made since the original Perfect Dark. It is the most fun and the most engrossing experience on the system by quite a wide margin. I have hardly thought of Gears of War since I opened Viva Pinata. How can I worry about a sub par matchmaking system when I'm trying to lure another stubborn pinata into my garden? Honestly, GoW is merely a good game. A damn fun game in an established genre. Viva Pinata is unlike anything I have ever played. Whereas Sim City and Animal Crossing act as passive rest stops in a hobby that sometimes requires more energy and dexterity than I can willingly muster, VP is both intense and serene. You can spend time just watching your residents interact. You can casually try to feed various foods to the trusting beasts in the hopes of trying to produce a new variant. Or you can actively shape and mold your garden to the exact specifications that are demanded of you. The game constantly introduces both long-term and short term goals for you, and it is up to you whether you want to tax yourself to attract that extra fussy little guy, or if you want to just relax and hang out in your garden for a bit. Rare has found a perfect mix between a casual experience and one that will leave you on the edge of your seat.

If you are a new X360 owner and want something fun to show off your fancy new system, you cannot do better than Viva Pinata. It is far more fun and in-depth than Gears of War and Dead Rising. It is more focused and rewarding than Oblivion. Simply put, this is one of the best games I have played in a long time. You know I'll be back in a few days with even more to say about this gem. Whereas Bully and Okami were able to offer amazing, though singular gaming experiences, VP is the game that just keeps on giving. This is probably the first time Nintendo has kicked themselves since selling Rare four years ago. I'm sure every company wishes they could have created something this engaging and unique.

More Wii

2006-11-22T21:27:00.000-08:00

I arrived home from NYC yesterday afternoon to find Wii on my bed. After very carefully setting up and caressing the system and it's various attachments/genitals, I booted it up. Despite having played quite a bit of Wii at E3 earlier this year, there was a very distinct pleasure navigating the system from the confines of my couch for the first time.

The main system menu is a pleasure to navigate, and using the Wiimote is intuitive, responsive, and thanks to some cleverly-implemented rumble, surprisingly visceral. Dan and I spent a solid hour making Miis of the six people who would be playing Wii Sports at one point or another yesterday; the Mii creator is a blast, and can be shockingly accurate in it's recreations of your friends/family/random celebrities. I'll post some real-life comparisons in my next Wii update.

The only online channel right now is the Virtual Console, with a dozen or so games ready to go right now. I'll probably grab Super Mario 64 when things are slower, and Super Mario World when it's up, but outside of those there really aren't any old-school games that I need to re-buy simply for the nicety of immediate access. Especially when, thus far, they don't even supply the luxury addition of online multiplayer, a standard set firmly on XBL. I understand that it wouldn't be quite the same without the entire friends list/matchmaking process that we're used to, but putting Bomberman on there with only local multiplayer is a damn cruel tease. As tragically mediocre as Small Arms is (added today to XBL Arcade), I would MUCH rather support indie development than tell Nintendo I'm willing to accept paying too much for untouched "classics". I am looking forward to Wii Porn though. Er, I mean the Opera web browser.

Wii Sports does a pretty solid job of introducing you to the system right out of the gate. Bowling, Tennis, Golf, Boxing and Baseball, in descending order of quality (says I), are immediately accessible, and if nothing else elegantly communicate that building a gaming console around the subtleties of human movement is an idea worth keeping an open mind about.

Zelda, unfortunately, does not define the system. I can't tell you after six hours and one dungeon whether it's a great game or not, but I can tell you that it's not worth buying the system for if it's your only point of interest and you already own a Gamecube. Sure, some of the more skillful motions like projectiles are obviously more gratifying when the aim is 100% manual, but I'm not even sure if the experience would suffer at all if played on the GC - the system it was obviously developed for. People raving about how great a launch game it is are missing the bigger picture - the only reason we have a game like this at launch is because Nintendo spent so much time on it during the last generation. That said, it should satisfy gamers and new mainstream Wii inductees equally, which is really all Nintendo seems to be caring about initially.

There's definitely a DS launch vibe at the moment, where the hardware is one step ahead of the software, but hopefully we'll see it come into it's own in about six months just as it's younger portable brother did. I'm very happy with my purchase right now, and I'm not trying to get down on it - I just have impossibly high, industry-changing hopes for the system, and it has a very long way to go.

Lunch with Tom - Zelda on my mind

2006-11-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

Zelda: Twilight Princess is too good to play. I have been going through the early portions of this game as fast a snail would. Bear in mind, a snail could not properly wield a Wiimote. And yet, a slimy, shell-toting invertebrate could breeze to the first dungeon quicker than a two-limbed man such as myself. All I want to do now is play Zelda. I dream about it. I admire the shiny gold box sitting next to my miniscule white console. It is in my mind all the time. And yet, I force myself not to play it too much.

The game starts out fairly slow. You are a humble farmhand living in a small village. You are not a hero. You've never even left the village. One of your first tasks in the game is to round up a gaggle of stubborn goats. This turns out to be one of the most exciting, action-packed moments from the tutorial portion of this game. The first two hours of Zelda are spent in the village doing mundane tasks for your fellow villagers. Almost nothing of note happens. And yet, it feels perfect. Epic adventures don't start out with a boulder rolling towards a baby. You have to give the audience time to relate to the characters and show a world not yet overrun with horrible problems. And I am already emotionally invested.

I have never played Zelda games for their story before. In fact, I hardly remember what has happened in each of the adventures. Each game provides requisite filler, a silly excuse to plunder dungeons and fight poes in the dead of night, but they are just window dressing. Zelda is about adventuring. It is about exploring huge worlds, finding secrets for the sake of seeing all the game has to offer, and solving puzzles. The fact that your sister was stolen or the master sword needs to be held by the hero is irrelevant to the experience. And I was happy with that. Zelda skimped on the presentation because the gameplay has always been top notch. Video games are built on gameplay and Nintendo has always understood that killing an Octorok is more satisfying that watching a long-winded movie.

But Twilight Princess throws these conventions to the ground. The story is still used sparingly. You will not be overrun with twenty-minute cut scenes and fancy CG. But the story has a point this time. Instead of rushing to each dungeon because I can't wait to see what new item awaits, I have found myself walking slowly, talking to everyone I can, and taking in the entire world ahead of me. This is a mammoth game, every bit as fun as you would expect, but it has a depth to it I have never seen in a Zelda title before. I actually care about Link this time. I would gladly play this game, even if the gameplay was horrid, to find out the story behind Midna.

Because I am so emotionally invested, I find myself going slower than I normally would. This is more than exploring a new version of Hyrule. I'm only a few hours into the game, but Zelda: Twilight Princess already feels like a classic game. As I find out bits of the story and learn new gameplay mechanics, it feels as if I am experiencing the essence of what makes gaming great for the very first time. The whole game thus far has felt like the beginning of Mario 64. Remember just hanging outside the castle - climbing trees and swimming in the moat - for an hour before you officially began the adventure. There was no reason to rush because the simple act of existing in that world was so amazing. For Zelda, I find myself going at a snail's rate because I don't want to rush my first time through this game. I will only be able to experience the Forest Temple completely pure one time. Playing Twilight Princess feels like coming to the end of a fantastic first date. You know the woman is perfect for you. There is no reason to rush anything.

Lunch with Tom - Dirty scalpers and Wii surprise

2006-11-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

I hung out in a PlayStation 3 line last Thursday. I kept thinking about the upcoming system's launch. The PS3 costs $600 and the must have games aren't even coming out until next year. Why would anyone in their right mind wait outside, in the freezing cold, for a system that is currently vastly inferior to the X360? So I purchased a little "Reporter's Notebook" from Walgreen's and went to interview the poor saps waiting outside my local Best Buy. There are such lame people out here.

Because I am a master reporter I went to the front of the line. I wanted to talk to the most hardcore guy there. Unfortunately, Vernon Hill's law dictates that only softcore people can wait in line. The police department issued an artificially lame 24-hour limit to people willing to wait outside for a chance at a PS3. The front of the line had only been occupied for 12 hours when I arrived on the scene. I was thankful not to be engulfed with the smell of dirty geek, but I wanted little more insanity from my interviewee. Needless to say, I have no idea how to conduct an interview. After talking to the man in front for almost ten minutes, I finally found out that he was not actually a gamer at all. He plays games on PC sometimes but hasn't even played a console since the Super NES was the newest hot toy. My crest had fallen. I wanted to mock the people in line for their poor choice. I wanted to shove the fact that, while Resistance may be fun, they can get an X360 and Gears of War for cheaper without having to camp outside. I wanted to make people doubt this whole launch thing. Sadly, this guy was just in it for the money. Which made me even angrier. He couldn't name one launch title. He didn't care about the Wii because there was no money in selling that cheap and plentiful sucker. He knows what money tastes like and he knew the power of the PlayStation name.

I hate that scalpers were waiting outside for a PlayStation 3 while real video game fans, people who would love to play through Resistance and Genji, were left with nothing this weekend. Is that not the lamest thing in the world? At least the bottom has already fallen out on these eBay auctions. You could have sold your PS3 for more than $2,000 Friday morning, but with scalpers around the country trying to milk Americans from every cent they can, the demand has fallen sharply. Obviously, there are enough gamers in America to eat up 300,000 systems for $600. But there aren't nearly as many people willing to spend $2,000 on the same system. And the scalpers are finding out the hard way that the X360 and Wii are legit.

After I was done talking to this greedy shmuck who was technically the third person in line, I went looking for someone who was buying the system to play games on. I called out "Hey, is there anyone here who is not going to eBay this thing?" No one answered. I went up the line and asked people. They all said they wanted the money. Every single person had stupid dollar signs flashing in their eyes. After all the hard work and money Sony poured into the PlayStation 3, people thought it was their place to profit from it. How does that make sense at all? Greedy bastards.

Eventually, I found a group of high school kids, twenty people from the front of the line, who were actually excited about the prospect of a new video game system. Well, one kid was. The other five people he was with were planning on doing unmentionable things with their new system. Greedy bastards. But this one kid, Andrew K, was willing to talk about his unhealthy obsession with the PS3. This was my point after all, to find someone who was willing to sacrifice food and sleep to get this system at launch. I assumed a whole mess of gamers would be in line, but I would settle for one guy who liked playing video games more than rolling in singles. So why would someone wait outside in near freezing weather? Metal Gear Solid 4 and Motorstorm. Really? You're waiting in line for a game that isn't coming out until next November? You're waiting in line to buy a $600 console even though MGS4 may come out on the X360 as well? And Motorstorm? A dirt racing tech demo that isn't coming out until March? He knew he was going to buy the system at some point, Andrew said, so he was just going to jump on it right out of the gate. Games be damned, that system would be his.

How about Resistance? Andrew was going to get Resistance, but only because there wasn't anything else to buy. He didn't really care about the forty player online or the alternate history story. He just wanted something to play on his ultra expensive new toy. If push came to shove and eBay prices were soaring, he admitted that his PS3 would be shipped anywhere in the world if the price is right. These loyalists aren't even loyal.

I left after that. I could talk to 10,000 people and get the same two answers repeated over and over. Dirty scalpers were the main group purchasing the PS3. A few people were getting it because they were kind of curious about Resistance. If Sony is losing money on every system sold and no one is buying games...

Sadly, I have talked for far too long about the PS3 launch. There's no time left for me to talk about the Wii! I'll give you a few mercy sentences though. Zelda is great. Wii Sports is really fun. But I spent almost four hours yesterday playing Viva Pinata. Is Zelda overrated you ask? Is Wii Sports just a gimmick? Nope, they are both the real deal. But Viva Pinata is just so engrossing; I cannot pry myself away from it. I finally have a Fizzlebear in my garden with an Elephantilla lurking outside. I assumed my garden would be closed for the winter while I dove into Zelda. Shockingly, VP is good enough to distract me from what may be the greatest game of all time. Say what you want about MS blowing their early lead and only getting two games out this holiday. They have been able to hold the attention of a diehard Nintendo fan at the launch of a new system. After playing Viva Pinata and Zelda yesterday, I am actually more excited about the future of Rare than whatever is going to be on the Wii in the coming year. I did not think I would be saying that one day after the Wii released.

Lunch with Tom - Sony should have waited

2006-11-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

We are less than ten hours away from the American launch of the PlayStation 3. Just ten more hours until the successor to the greatest system of all time finally hits our Democratic shores. Are you excited? Can you feel the collective nervous energy of uber-geeks from coast to coast slowly building? Have you seen the lines forming outside your local Best Buy yet? It's coming. The PlayStation 3 is just a few hours away. And you know what? I couldn't care less.

Here is the sad truth about Sony - they don't have a single killer franchise. Nintendo has their nostalgic collection of genre creators we've all been playing for the past twenty years. Mario and Zelda carry a weight that other games would never even attempt to shoulder. And Microsoft has the grand daddy of them all. Is there a bigger franchise in the world today than Halo? Just by mouthing those beautiful two syllables, Bungie can distract millions of gamers from the upcoming console launches. What does Sony have to counter Zelda and Halo? Absolutely nothing. Metal Gear Solid and Final Fantasy are huge, but those appear on every system. Do you realize that three Final Fantasy titles have been released in the past month? It's hard to make people drool when a new entry in the series is coming out every other week. And Metal Gear Solid, which always pushes the PlayStation further than people thought possible, has been known to whore itself from time to time. The first two entries in the reestablished series made their way to competing systems. The most recent game, Snake Eater, was remade for the PS2 just a year after it first came out. These are great games, but they are never there at launch. More importantly, people who are allergic to football will tune into Monday Night Football on December 4th to see that Halo 3 commercial. Do you think Metal Gear Solid 4 will have that kind of pull?

Sony has been the king for the last two console generations because they have released about a million games in the last decade. Rarely is the PlayStation home to the unquestioned best game of the year. But it does have ten times as many games out for it. It does have a lot of really good titles. Sony has been able to win the last two generations by supplying good games in every genre. System launches never have a surplus of games available. And that is why PlaySation launches are always so lame. The PS3 is coming with only four original titles. Resistance looks like great fun, but everything else will be completely forgettable. Genji is an average action game. Untold Legends is a multiplayer version of Ninety Nine Nights. There's an exclusive NBA game coming out that no one in his right mind would buy a system to play. And then there's the pseudo-exclusive, Ridge Racer 7, which is a remade version of last year's X360 launch title, Ridge Racer 6. That's the launch. Everything else can be found on the X360. Why are people lining up to buy this system again?

I really believe that Sony should have delayed the system until next March in America. They are simply not ready to release a system this year. They are launching the system with one really good game in Resistance, and a bunch of forgettable games that people will immediately regret plopping down $60 to play. This is not a good way to please your hardcore fans. I wish they had held it back a few more months. By all accounts, Resistance is fun. But what if Insomniac had six more months to tinker with it? It could have been a classic. Sony has never had a premier First Person Shooter on their system. With a little more time, Resistance may have been able to compete with Halo. Now it pales in comparison to Gears of War. If Sony just held back the system launch a few months, they could have released an online version of Motorstorm as well. It's hard to be excited by a racing game, but a great FPS and a great looking racing game would go a long way to persuading casual gamers that the PS3 is the next generation system to own. With more time in development, Genji could have filled an important need until Devil May Cry 4 comes out. They could have gotten Forgotten Realms out here for a system that dearly needs an in-depth adventure game. Most importantly, they could have had Oblivion at launch. Guess what else Sony could have developed between now and next March? Enough systems to meet demand. Not only could they have provided top-notch software, they could have had enough systems for people to experience these games.

Sony is trying to stake a claim in the next generation market this year. They feel that it is important to remind gamers that Sony is still around. But I don't see the need to rush. Microsoft claimed they would have ten millions systems in the homes of gamers before the PS3 saw the light of day. They are four million behind that projection. Sony is risking their reputation to sell four hundred thousand consoles this year. Doesn't seem like a worthwhile risk to me.

While the Xbox 360 has not been flying off store shelves, it has been doing quite well. And the Wii could very well dominate if it can capture the heart of casual gamers. Sony has to go head to head with two competitors who are offering products light years beyond Sony's own. People will not be able to find a PS3 this year. People who are forced to leave the store empty-handed will probably try to play the PS3 some other way. Maybe they will play a kiosk. If they are really lucky, they will know someone who was fortunate enough to get a PS3 at launch. They will play these average games and think Sony has lost it. There are great games on the X360 already. And the Wii has Zelda. What is going to keep these people from buying another system? The X360 and Wii will be more plentiful than the PS3 for quite awhile. Their games are much better. Sony shot themselves in the foot by letting their incomplete games speak for their $600 system.

Want to hear something really scary? When Sony finally has enough quality software and systems out there, Microsoft will counter with Halo 3. I hope the PlayStation 3 has the seemingly limitless amount of quality games the PS2 had, but this looks like an uphill battle for Sony.

That time there was Halo 3 news

2006-11-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

There are times in life when a single piece of news can make your heart skip a beat, and briefly reconsider your place in the universe. "M'am, your baby is on fire". "That hurricane is certainly large, and close." "Excuse me, did you drop this solid gold revolver?" You know, those. When I read today that there will be a public beta of multiplayer Halo 3 and new Halo 2 multiplayer maps in the Spring, as well as a 60-second once-off CG trailer for the game on national television the day after my birthday, well, my esophagus, aorta and rectum all kind of spasmed at the same time in a gesture that would be neither possible or socially appropriate to replicate.

I said a few weeks ago that the Halo 3 news/screens leakage didn't excite me, as the enjoyment and brilliance of the game isn't in the details but in how the experience comes together once you make it a part of your life. That still stands. But now that I know I will actually be participating in Halo 3 within six months? Well, see the above paragraph and gauge my reaction for yourself.

From an industry perspective, I would say it's a brilliant move (not that Bungie has been known for any other types of movement). Releasing new Halo 2 maps is pure microtransaction profit, will sell untold swaths of 360s just when PS3s are more plentiful and Wiis see their first price drop (they will drop Wii Sports and the price to $200 in late Spring, you'll see), naturally starts it's own Halo 3 hype train without any other marketing, and gives people like myself one more reason to hold off on any other large hardware or game purchases.

Outside of the disgustingly immature, verbally offensive fanbase, Halo 2 multiplayer is a sublimely entertaining experience. With new content and the ol' Halo crowd of buddies to play alongside with, is there any reason why I wouldn't go back to the game? Gears of War multiplayer is (intentionally) crippled by Microsoft, no one else I know will own a PS3 even if I do pick one up to play Resistance online, and Super Smash Brothers Brawl won't be out until next holiday season. Is there any other online experience that's even remotely as compelling?

Well, there is one: Halo 3. Which I imagine they will roll out a month or two after the new maps. I would guess that we'll see a few different iterations of the beta based on progress and feedback over the course of the late Spring and summer, then see it shut down so we have time to while away our pennies to buy MASTER CHIEF'S HEAD at the end of the year. It's too perfect. I didn't give much of a damn about anything that came out within a year of Halo 2, and outside of Bioshock and Burnout 5 I could quite easily wait on anything else next year.

Halo 2 ultimately shattered all hype and expectation, and I have an immense grin on my face just thinking about how commandingly Halo 3 will do the same. Yay!

Lunch with Tom - The quest for an elusive Doenut

2006-11-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

I spent an hour last night trying to lure a Doenut into my garden. My garden was already teeming with life, but a Doenut would stop by every day and taunt me with its majestic presence. I loved my Raisants - Peanut and Butter gave birth to a happy and healthy little ant named Jelly - but they paled in comparison to this incredible beast. The Doenut would arrive outside my garden every day in the afternoon. Every day, for four or five in-game hours, it would roam around the perimeter of my land. It would look in every so often but never step foot inside. This was simply maddening. I wanted a Doenut of my own. I had a name picked out and everything. I was willing to make some sacrifices.

I went into my encyclopedia to see how I could attract a Doenut. It seemed pretty easy actually. I needed a least 10 Blackberries and a decent sized plot of Long Grass. Well, I already had five Blackberry bushes growing near my Sparrowmint's home. You could say I was inundated with Blackberries at this point. I was force-feeding them to Whirlms just to clear my garden floor. The Long Grass was a little bit tricky, though. First of all, it cost almost 1500 Chocolate Coins. I was stuck somewhere in the triple digits. I would need to make some money as quickly as possible. And so went some of my favorite animals.

I surveyed the land seeing who I could sell. My Bunnycombs were far too cute to sacrifice and I had grown quite attached to my Raisants. But those Syrupents always seemed like they were up to no good. They had already eaten a family of Lickatoads, what would they do to my pure, sweet Doenut? They had to go. It took me awhile to hunt them down. Apparently, they had been breeding without my consent. My family of three had doubled in size. The Syrupents had taken over my garden without my knowledge. I finally wrangled them all up and sold them to a black market Pinata dealer. I didn't know what their fate was going to be but I couldn't worry about it. I had a Doenut to catch.

I had enough money to buy some Long Grass finally. I cleaned up the north side of my garden, a section roughly one third of my entire land. The north side is separated from the south by a winding river right in the middle of my land. I cleared the land, selling some Taffies along with their house, so I could plant enough Long Grass to attract that blasted Doenut. It was hard work, took me almost twenty minutes to get my garden looking Doenut-worthy, but it was worth the effort. During the late afternoon the next day a Doenut finally stepped into my garden. Believe me, it was a tense moment. He strolled around the place, investigating what sorts of animals were currently living there while checking out my plentiful foliage. He admired my Apple tree for a while, probably noting how it casts a comforting shadow upon the Long Grass during the hot days.

Finally, he happened upon the Blackberry bushes. And what a sight! He hopped around in unbridled enthusiasm and then let out a magnificent bellow. Doenuts sure love their Blackberries. He quickly ate two and then, to my horror, walked away from the bush. What is he doing? He needs to eat six of those things before he'll stay! So I picked up a Blackberry and started to follow. He walked to the river and took a drink. Maybe he just needed something to wash down the Blackberry juice. Doenuts do have long necks. I should have put a glass of milk next to the bushes. How inconsiderate of me. I dropped the Blackberry I was holding right at his feet. He looked around, shocked that such good fortune should come to such a humble beast, and scarfed it up. He was halfway to being my most beloved pet.

And then he left.

He walked right out of my garden, belly brimming with my Blackberries, and disappeared in the surrounding foliage. Oh my, you cannot believe how upset I was. I had spent all that time razing buildings and selling my young to make him happy, and then he just eats his fill and leaves? This Doenut had some nerve.

If he didn't want to stay at my garden I wasn't going to beg. I went back to tending my own Pinatas. One of my Bunnycombs had become sick during the visit. A Crowla probably attacked him while I was trying to shove Blackberries down that ungrateful Doenut's throat. What a bad owner I was. I called Doctor Patchington over to fix up my poor pet and went around making sure everyone else was happy. I felt guilty after ignoring my Pinatas all day so I bought every one of them some Happy Candy from the Costalots. I spent the rest of the day trying to lure Buzzlegums into the garden so I could get my Lickatoads to do the Romance Dance.

The next day, while I was trying to get my Raisants to mate so I could get an Arocknid into my garden, a message popped up on the bottom of the screen. A Doenut had become a resident of Gigglepoo's Garden. My garden! I ran over to find the Doenut. He finally shed his black and white fur. He was pink and blue and awesome. I named him Camus.

An hour later, after growing Sunflowers and Tulips, as well as building a beautiful Doenut house in the shade of the Apple tree, I had five Doenuts running around my tiny garden. Now I'm wondering if I can attract a Lion Pinata. Something has to eat Doenuts, right?

Lunch with Tom - Even more Nintendo DS games

2006-11-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

Let's just all take a deep breath. It's only a matter of days until the PlayStation 3 and Wii finally come out. We only have to coax a few more days out of our crusty, though beloved, last generation systems before we toss them in the back of our closet forever. Just breathe deeply because, for better or worse, gaming is about to change forever. Will this hobby finally trickle down to people who have never played a game before? Or will the three richest kings of Europe be the only people with enough money to enjoy it? I'm getting a little ahead of myself, though. The new systems aren't coming out until the very end of the week. You'll hear no more next generation chatter from me until these games are mere hours from release. I'll rundown the launch titles for both systems later in the week. Until then, load up on another solid week of portable gaming.

Final Fantasy 3 - You know how impatient I am. The Wii controller was only officially shown 14 months ago. That isn't very long at all. I've spent most of the past year holding my breath and I'm still not blue. But for fans of Final Fantasy, well, they would have long since died from lack of oxygen waiting for FF3 to come out. Luckily, most FF fans are Hindu. People who held their breath waiting for someone to port this game to America have reached maturity in their new life. Perfect timing to celebrate the resurrection of this forgotten entry in one of the most powerful franchises around. For reasons I have never seen explained, this is the first time FF3 will ever be released in America. Either this game is simply unplayable or Square just confused themselves with that ill-advised counting system. No, this is not a remake of the Final Fantasy 3 you played on your SNES. This is a remake of the actual third adventure in the series, built from the ground up to take advantage of the fancy 3D graphics and dual screen gaming we take for granted nowadays. Apparently, the old school gameplay is still intact. You will die and you will curse because this game is essentially an NES title. I guess this game is for completionists who need to check every Final Fantasy off their list. Playing through Final Fantasy 1 and 2 was more than enough old school, Japanese Role Playing for me.

Yoshi's Island DS - I have never finished the original Yoshi's Island. I haven't even come close. I like the game, don't get me wrong, but I was never able to get into it. Every time I would fire it up, my eyes would drift down to Super Mario World and I would immediately lose interest in the affairs of Baby Mario. It may not have been fair, but I stand by my avoidance of this game. Super Mario World was just too fun for its own good. But the Nintendo DS doesn't have that perfect platformer casting a giant shadow upon the world. Super Mario Bros. DS is the best traditional platformer on the system and, to be frank, it's forgettable. Can Yoshi DS lead the NDS into a new golden age for platfromers? I don't think so, but it should be fun.

Lunch with Tom - Bloody good fun

2006-11-10T11:34:00.000-08:00

I've never had my hands so soaked in blood before. Gears of War is just a violent mess of a Third Person Shooter. Every battle in Gears is as immediate and pressing as a battle with the final boss. You can die at any time. There is no time to jump around and experiment. It's you versus your sworn enemy in a fight to the death. It doesn't matter if they are being controlled by an artificial algorithm created by some M.I.T. math wiz or the dexterous fingers of some 17 year old punk from West Philly, the fights all feel exactly the same. Each battle may only take a few seconds, never more than half a minute, but the amount of effort put into outmaneuvering your opponent and being quicker to the draw is just staggering. One slight mistake, a gun shot that hits the shoulder or a split second delay while you rip the cord to your chainsaw, and you will be dead. I have never played a shooter so full of emotion after each battle. You will either yell with glee that you overcame a worthy foe, or curse the gods for you stubby finger and slow-firing synapses. Gears of War does many things right, but the way they were able to elevate each individual battle to one of epic proportions just overwhelmed me at times.

The multiplayer mode really needs to be experienced to fully understand. Every second is hugely important. From the moment the round begins it is imperative to begin your offensive assault. You need to coordinate with your teammates to ensure you are on the same page. Some will run for the good weapons, others will form a slow-paced attack on the opposition. With only two teams and four players per side, each person, no matter what their skill level, is as important as the next. You cannot act on your own. You cannot run into the open, get gunned down, and leave the rest of your team a man short. They will be quickly overwhelmed. Gears feels like a more vicious version of Counter Strike. One in which position and tactics play as large of a role as pure shooting talent. To move your team into perfect position and overwhelm your enemy all at once is just pure bliss.

Basically, Epic has completely nailed the gameplay in Gears of War. I never thought a gritty, dark shooter could be this much fun. But there are flaws present that keep this from being the perfect game some publications have stated. First of all, I believe Epic has made a fatal flaw in the single player campaign. The majority of the campaign is a pure shooter. You progress through linear levels, taking out enemies while completing small tasks. Fundamentally, there is little difference between the level design and pacing of Gears of War compared to other shooters. This normally would not be a problem, but Gears has introduced a level of immersion that all but demands a strong departure from the norm. Epic seemed to only realize what they had during the Third Act of this game. The section begins in the middle of the night during a heavy thunderstorm. You are surrounded by water and rock in the middle of nowhere. The rain is so thick at times you cannot actually see structures and enemies ahead of you. It feels more like Resident Evil than a standard shooter. It is terrifying. Because each encounter could mean the end of your life, each step needs to be taken with care. You don't know what is ahead of you.

When you finally get out of the rain you find yourself in an abandoned factory. The wallpaper is peeling. Ceilings have caved in at places, forcing you to find alternate routes. The few lights flicker, obscuring your view even more. And there are the omnipresent sounds of imminent death reminding you what is at stake. This can be a truly terrifying game. The rest of the level offers gameplay twists that were not present in the first two acts of the game. For the first time, you and your buddy, who you have fought side-by-side with from the opening cinematic, must separate. No longer can you rely on your friend to shoot down a sneaking foe or help you when your gun jams. This is cooperative play done right. One in which you are not merely doubling firepower, but finding your own way through a dense level.

Gears of War should have been a horror game. It is at its best when the lights are out and you have no idea where to go. Because the combat is so visceral there is a constant feeling of dread as you turn every corner. The levels and story should have followed this theme throughout. Making you build up courage as you turned each corner. Unfortunately, only the Third Act is a truly memorable experience. The other Four Acts have very similar level design to each other - you battle through one section, clear out enemies, and then clear it out again when new threats emerge behind you. Every battle is fun and exhilarating, but subduing the fear element makes these battles seem lesser by comparison. It seems as though Epic tried to make the whole game truly scary - there is one mini boss who appears on two separate occasions who is just a blast to fight - but as a whole the level design sticks far too close to more traditional shooters.

Because GoW is able to elevate each fight to such a high level, I must recommend this game to anyone who loves shooters. You simply will not find better individual battles anywhere else in gaming. But the game as a whole is merely "Damn Good" instead of "Instant Classic." Now that the technology is built and the gameplay is solid, I hope Epic will be able to construct some truly fascinating levels in the inevitable sequel. Until then, I will be getting my thrills in the land of online multiplayer.

Classic Tom - I love rhythm games!

2006-11-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

I actually wrote this way back in the beginning of 2006, though I never posted it on this site. After ripping through some tracks in Guitar Hero 2 I can feel my love affair with rhythm games sparking up again. Can't wait to play that Elite Beat Agents next week.

Have you ever watched someone try to play a video game for the first time? It doesn't matter how simple the controller is they will invariably hold it wrong. Once you get it situated in their hands properly, they will hold it like it's a glass baby or a spider. People who aren't accustomed to controllers will always hold a controller as if it is covered in Ebola. You tell them to hit A to jump, and then they stare dumbly down at the controller as the hit the button. The character on screen jumps as they stare down, so they can never even see what's going on. After a minute of this, they'll usually get frustrated and walk away.

Video games are an abstract concept for those who were not lucky enough to grow up with them. However, while trying to explain to someone why they should want to jump can be very difficult, there is one genre out there that taps into an innate ability that all humans possess. Rhythm games are the most pure genre because they are the only ones that are actually connected to actions we, as humans, perform every day of our lives.

Think about how important music is to you for a second. It's something that comes naturally to most people, something that is performed without any thought. From little people whistling while they work to the impatient cashier tapping out a beat while they wait for your order, it is an act that is so deeply embedded in our brains that stopping entirely is out of the question. Rhythm games merely take this need to create music and give a little structure to it. Provide a beat to follow and shiny visual indicators to make it simple. And because of this, rhythm games can be played and enjoyed by anyone in the world.

One of the fundamental principles of gaming is how they dish out punishment and reward. Many games present you with new weapons or abilities after completing an especially hard task. While that's all well and good for gamers, most people in the world aren't willing to invest the time it takes to earn the Master Sword. More importantly, they just don't care.

Rhythm games are able to avoid this problem completely. There is a constant and obvious stream of progress. While hitting A to jump in a platformer accomplishes nothing by itself, hitting A in a rhythm game produces a note. It can be easily recognized if that note was played at the correct time or in the right key. Different games obviously approach this concept differently, but all of them offer music as a reward and that is something anyone can understand.

Rhythm games are also able to eschew those unwieldy controllers completely by offering peripherals that mimic objects everyone is familiar with. Guitar Hero comes packed with a guitar. Everyone knows what that is. Donkey Konga has a bongo drum. Heck, there are even games where you don't have to hit a controller at all. Karaoke Revolution has a microphone and Dance Dance Revolution has a dance pad. These are all games that are bought and enjoyed by people who don't even know who Solid Snake is.

The genre is so wide open that many titles in it hardly even qualify as games. Electroplankton just came out on the Nintendo DS and is getting average reviews because journalists are trying to comparing it to other games. This isn't fair because it isn't a game at all. Not to sound like a marketing tool, but it's an organic music experience. There is no goal. No right or wrong. No punishment even. You simply manipulate objects on screen to form your own unique sounds. This is a concept that reaches even farther than the previous games I mentioned. Without any sort of goal other than pleasing your ears, Electroplankton offers the ability to create music to those who may not have the coordination to play a real life instrument or video game facsimile.

The beauty of these games is how far they are able to reach. My focus has been on how accessible these are to non-gamers, but they are fantastic games that will push even hardcore gamers to their very limits. Have you ever played Amplitude for the PS2? This is my favorite rhythm game around, and one of the hardest games I have ever played. It starts out easy enough - notes come slow and sporadically - but the harder difficulty levels seem impossible without being able to slow down time. This game is immensely pleasing. You juggle playing six different instruments at once. If you mess up, one of the instruments will cut out completely until you get it going again. It's like a musical version of everyone's favorite pastime - spinning plates. While judging success in some games can be hard, it's obvious you're struggling if there aren't any drums or vocals in the song.

I know this may seem like an odd column, but I recently discovered this genre and cannot believe how rewarding it is. I have never been able to play an instrument in real life, so being able to hold a plastic guitar while I strum along to Iron Man is an experience I never thought I could have. For those of you who have ignored this genre for whatever reason, please give it a shot. If anyone is reading this who doesn't play games at all, these may tap into something buried within that has been waiting for years to burst out.

Lunch with Tom - MULA, or how to cash in on a hot license

2006-11-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

Gears of War is out right now. Nick and I played through the first act last night. It was incredible. A vicious, dark shooter unlike anything else I have played. Just a fantastic game any way you look at it. Of course, I am not here today to talk about the biggest Xbox 360 game released thus far. That would be far too easy. Every other site is pimping this game, why would The G blindly follow suit? Rather, I am going to offer my opinion on Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. I know Nick already complained last week about this putrid, licensed crapfest, but I am not Nick. I actually played through the entire game - all five mind-numbing acts - to bring you the most insightful look at this travesty in all the land. Whereas Nick was scared to even mutter the acronym for fear of bringing even more publicity to this abomination, I plan to yell about its incompetence to all who will listen. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance is a bad video game. Please avoid at all costs.

I do not read comic books. I think the only one I have ever made it through was a Kool-Aid Man adventure a former roommate procured through, I am told, some very difficult circumstances. The story in MULA may or may not be standard comic book fair. I would not know. I do know that it is, unequivocally, a bad story. Activision went out of their way to mention how many characters they crammed onto the silicon. There are more than 144 heroes, villains and butlers in this game. When you combine them all together it's every bit as gross as you would imagine. See what I did there? But I've spoken enough. Maybe J.D. Salinger could draw a little insight into the creative process of this game:

"Then he and old Sally started talking about a lot of people they both knew. It was the phoniest conversation you ever heard in your life. They both kept thinking of places as fast as they could. Then they'd think of somebody that lived there and mention their name. I was all set to puke when it was time to sit down again. I really was."

Remember, I have an English degree. I not only read Pilgrim's Progress but I was able to keep track of all the crappy characters and ridiculous settings. Heck, I even read Kafka for fun. But Marvel's story was completely beyond my grasp. A new character would be introduced every five minutes. Sometimes their allegiance would be clear. Other times they would appear with no exposition, making me guess who they were and why they were wasting my time. Most times I was left to fill in the holes myself.

Check out this baffling scenario: Loki was a bad Viking who was up to no good. His father, Odin, was the ruler of Valhalla and Loki wanted that land for himself. Thor is Odin's other son, a humble superhero who didn't want the responsibility of ruling an entire world. But somehow, even though they share a father, Loki and Thor are not related. I'm not really sure how that happened. After I killed Loki to get back the land he stole, I went back to the base to receive new orders from my commander, Nick Fury. I was to unfreeze this giant armored knight for some reason. So I dutifully did it, having to chase down four separate swords during a twenty-minute stretch of my life I will never get back.

After I unleashed this monster, Nick Fury turned into Loki and proceeded to mock me for being so trusting. I can understand this amateurish, Mission: Impossible-level of deception. It's a technique uncreative folks use to twist plots. But some things were never answered. Or even questioned. First of all, where was the real Nick Fury during all of this? Wouldn't Wolverine have been able to tell the difference between the real Fury and Loki wearing a Fury wig just by smell? Did any of the other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents know about this switch? Couldn't they have given me a heads up? Furthermore, if Loki was really sitting comfortably in my base the whole time, who did I kill? Did Loki make a clone of himself? Did some shmuck put on a Loki mask, unaware that angry mutants were out to kill him? Did we send a sympathy card or sad turkey to the widow when we found out we killed an innocent man?

I know video games are rarely played because of story, but that does not mean you can toss out crap like this and expect me to sit through it, drooling and nodding like the one million unwashed masses who actually bought this game. Just like a good comedy needs a strong narrative structure to bind the movie together, a plot driven game needs plausible scenarios and realistic characters to do the same. What is my motivation to save the world from Dr. Doom if I'm not sure who Dr. Doom is? Speaking of Dr. Doom, at one point he realized he could take control of superheroes, forcing them to turn on the people who trusted them. So he kills Colossus and Cyclops and resurrects them to do his bidding. That's all fine and good. I'm sure this phenomenon has been explained elsewhere in the Marvel universe. But then things break down as they invariably do when logic is involved. Along with fighting an evil version of the Fantastic Four, I had to fight Bad Peter Parker and Captain UnAmerican as well. The problem? Captain America was in my party. Since the evil versions of these characters were resurrected corpses of my fallen comrades, how was Captain America tossed into the mix? And, since the evil characters are merely palette-swapped versions of the real superheroes, why couldn't Activision just have me fight a character I wasn't controlling?

I know these gripes seem small, but I think it showcases just how little time was spent in the creation of this game. The graphics are as uneven as a first generation X360 title. Sometimes they look like a shiny coat of paint has enveloped the Xbox original, other times it looks exactly like the now outdated original. There is nothing about this game, other than the $60 price tag, that makes it a next gen title. Even worse, the gameplay is as old school as you can get. The characters are all identical to one another. Captain America throws his shield while Iron Man tosses an energy beam, but the moves don't feel different from one another. This is the worst example of a licensed game. They simply tossed famous characters into the same gameplay structure that has existed for more than a decade. They refused to include problems actual superheroes face. I still have to find a keycard to open a locked door? Even Ms. Marvel is strong enough to knock down a mere door. And why do I have to push blocks around a room like I'm Lara Croft? Has Electra ever pushed a block in her life? Come on! Give me some real super hero problems!

It infuriates me that Activision published this, Ravensoft developed it, reviewers are handing out good grades, and gamers are buying this. Basically, everyone involved in the creation or enjoyment of this title is on my list. You know my list. Until they prove otherwise, Activision is now sitting alongside Electronic Arts in the pantheon of companies whose game I should avoid. They simply do not care one iota about quality.